I really am not excited about teaching in the morning. Last week my student said that he wouldn’t be able to make it which is one of few reasons I decided to work this week. Oh well. It’ll be my last day teaching him and the last day I have that’s terrible with the hours. I’ll get up and go in the morning and then come back and take a nap right afterwards. I’m not really prepared for class, but I’ll have a little time to throw something together. I might get lucky and find that he cancels in the morning. That would be amazing!

I found myself walking around Besiktas tonight with no purpose or destination. There were so many people out, together, eating dinner this evening. I bought some chocolate stuff and sat by the water for a little bit and happened to see some fireworks. I then went to an Asian restaurant I’ve walked by a bunch of times without realizing it was not Turkish food. It wasn’t as good as the food I ate in Thailand, China or Japan, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

I’ve got to get this eating under control. I’ve gotten in the habit of going on sugar binges again. Tonight was pretty bad. I ate a shitload of sugar and then felt super gross about myself. I even purged which is not something I’ve done in a really long time. I didn’t feel super terrible about doing it afterwards like I thought I would, but it’s certainly not something I want to do again. I am going to try to make tomorrow a sugar/candy free day. I just don’t want to do it anymore.

And now it’s nearly 1 am. I’ve been back for a couple hours not doing anything but wasting time online. I’ve got to get up in like 5 hours to get to work for my 8 am class…. Blergh. I should go to bed.

Ok, so here is my quandary: If I stay out of the country for 4 more months I can transfer a substantial portion of my pretax IRA to a post tax Roth IRA. The problem is, I have no idea what I’d do for work for those 4 months and I need to be making money to support myself. If I’m not making money, I’ll have to be withdrawing from the account in order to live. Even in a cheaper country to live I’d probably end up spending enough that it would make more sense just to go back and find a job in the US and not transfer the money. There has to be a way out of this situation. I’m going to ask around and see if anyone has any suggestions on what I could do. I know I could try to start doing freelance work online and I could then try to find somewhere cheap to live while I get that started. That was my goal when I got to Istanbul, though, and I made no progress on doing that. Hmm. Tomorrow I’ll do some internet research and see what I can find out. I might be able to qualify for a working holiday visa of some kind. Then I could go to New Zealand, Australia or somewhere else and try to find a job. It could be pretty cool to work in one of those areas for a while. Hmm.

I’m really glad that I finished my long day today. I’m excited to be done soon. I wish I could have made staying in Istanbul work, but continuing this teaching job is not something I feel I could do. Even today it was a struggle to get through. Continuing for any period of time more would simply be unbearable.

I’ve been messaging a guy in NJ I’ve now known for quite a while. The messages haven’t gone to sexting, but they’ve gotten more romantic in nature. I’d really like to be dating again…. I’m currently a very, very lonely bird.

Yay for not having class in the morning! I’m going to sleep in tomorrow and it’s going to be amazing. I hope I don’t sleep excessively because that’s never good for me, but I’m very excited I don’t have to get up and teach in the morning.

My class this evening cancelled which I didn’t mind at all. I went into the school to prepare for my class tomorrow morning. I didn’t spend a lot of time getting ready for it, but that’s ok. I’ve got some stuff to do. I’m really glad I’ll be done with teaching this week. I have no intention of trying to do this ever again. I figure I gave teaching adults a try and now I’ll be done. It’s clearly not for me. I think that even if the hours were better, I still wouldn’t like teaching much. It’s ok though. I’ll find something more suited to my likes and abilities eventually. I just have to give it time. Tomorrow I’ll have a busy day, but the rest of this week will be much more relaxed. Thursday, my other busy teaching day, has already cancelled 2 of my 3 classes. I’m definitely not sad about that. I will miss the students as I like most of them, but doing tailor-made courses is a pain in the ass.

I told my mom I’m thinking about going to Nepal. I’m having second thoughts about it now. I mean it would be awesome and I think I’d really like it, but I’m not convinced I’m up for it. She also was under the impression I’d be there for a couple weeks, not that I’m thinking about just staying gone for the next few months. I spoke to my cousin last night and found out a little more about the volunteer work he did there. I’m hoping to get the name and contact of someone to try to coordinate something with that. It would be great to do some volunteer work and be busy. I could also find a meditation/yoga retreat of some kind to do. I just did a google search and saw a couple, but they appear to be around $50/day which doesn’t thrill me. I don’t really want something geared towards the wealthy tourist who’s off to find him or herself. I have a couple people I can reach out to and ask some advice. I might be better off pursuing that in India, too. I’m going to send a friend in NYC an email asking if she has any advice. I’m not sure if she’s been to Nepal or India, but my guess is she knows someone who has who can maybe give me some advice. It would be pretty awesome to do some kind of extended retreat. Hmm.

I think I’m up for the Nepal/India adventure. And really, if I don’t like it I can always fly to Thailand or Cambodia and bum around there for a month before going back to the US. There are lots and lots of options.

I was texting with a friend of mine who also teaches at the school where I’m working this evening. I sent her a message that I found to be really funny. It was a random idea that I had. Or, rather, it was a random idea I had because of the conversation we were having. It felt great to reconnect with my old sense of humor. I miss it. It also made me think about how much I’d like to be writing short stories. This would make an awesome, strange, possibly rambling short story of some kind. Now if only I actually sat down to write it… wouldn’t that be a miracle.

Ok, time to get to bed. I’ve got to get up so early in the morning and I should really prepare some more for class so getting to school a little early would be a really, really good idea. I don’t want to have to wing it. I’m going to miss this student. He’s a good guy.

One other thing – I’ve been thinking more about the writing and what exactly my dreams are. I’ve also been thinking about my past mental health history – both what it taught me and how it’s influenced my life. I’m not sure I can just walk away from that without doing something constructive with it all. I’ve got a wealth of experience because of it. I’ve also got a story to tell. I know that it’s telling would significantly help me, but it could also help other people, too. Things to think about, I suppose.

I went on a really amazing hike today. We probably ended up hiking/walking about 20 km. It really wasn’t very far outside Istanbul. We hiked through this huge forest and then ended up at the Black Sea where we went swimming. I’m exhausted today – like it feels like I was hit by a truck exhausted. I’m very, very ready to go to bed.

I have no classes in the morning. Yay! I do have a class in the evening, but that’s ok. I’ll go to school in the afternoon to prepare for that class and then my class Tuesday morning. I emailed my DoS and asked if next Friday could be my last day. She agreed! I’m really glad I won’t have to do that again. It’ll be difficult to be unemployed, but there could be worse things.

The Nepal/India adventure is getting away from me. I’ve been talking to all sorts of people about it. I really like the idea of going to Nepal. Even if I only stay a month or something, that would be more than fine. I could do a month in Nepal and then head home. I feel so much better now that I’m getting more rest and actually sleeping well at night. The room I’m currently renting gets hot, which sucks, but it’s so quiet and the bed is huge so I’ve been sleeping quite well. I could do some volunteering in Nepal and I could also spend some time studying yoga and meditation. I’d really like to do another meditation/yoga retreat of some kind. Hmm. I know that’s not the greatest decision financially, but I’d like to do this. I think, anyway. I have to spend some time really looking at the reality of this situation and if it’s something I do want to do. I mean really, Nepal is going to be a poor country. Beautiful, I’m sure, but poor and probably chaotic and I’m not sure I’m up for that part of it. I’ve got some time to think about it, though.

I always fall into this all or nothing thinking. Nepal for a month would be fine. I wouldn’t need to stay for 4 months. I could just kind of see what I think when I get there and maybe leave after a month, maybe stay longer. I wouldn’t need to commit to a 4 month adventure right away.

Ok, time to go to bed. Yay!

I’ve had a good, busy day. I met a fellow teacher this morning and we went and wandered around the archaeological museum and then grabbed some lunch afterwards. It was really great to hang out with her and do some sightseeing around Istanbul. There are a few things I’d like to do and see before leaving and she has a few things on her list as well. I enjoyed spending time with her.

I also got it in my mind that I should extend this trip I’ve been on for a few more months and head to Nepal and India. I’ve felt pulled there for a while. Unfortunately, the only way I can see making that work would involve pulling money out of my IRA account. I’m not super excited about that idea. It is appealing to extend the trip, though. I’d like to keep traveling and the idea of abandoning lots of stuff in Istanbul with the intention of not working or trying to work while I just focused on traveling for many months is appealing. In Nepal I could do some trekking, but I could also spend time somewhat stationary just writing and drawing pictures. I’d love to do that more and try to set up a schedule and routine that would allow me to focus on it. I am going to give it some thought. Financially it’s not a great idea, but I could make it work. I’m going to give it some thought and see where my gut takes me. I think the answer will become clear in time.

I had a very strange dream last night/this morning. I was swimming in a pool (I remember thinking I was with other people, but don’t actually remember anyone else being there). There were sharks in the water. I came across these little figurines. I’m not exactly sure how many there were, but I remember thinking in the dream that they were old, very valuable and that I didn’t want to leave them there. I lifted one and turned it over to look at the bottom, on which was printed Kierkegaard followed by a phone number with the area code 612. The strange thing about this dream is that I am not familiar with Kierkegaard and the name meant nothing to me when I woke up and was thinking about the dream. It wasn’t until I got up in the morning and googled the name that I found any information out about him. I’m not really sure what it means, but I’ve been intrigued by it all day. Maybe I’ll get another puzzle piece tonight. I hope so, anyway.

I’m meeting a program person in the morning to go hiking. I’m looking forward to it. I think it’ll be really cool. It also sounds like we’ll be gone nearly all day, but thankfully I’m not meeting him too early in the morning. I do need to get to bed so I can get a good night’s rest, though. I’m looking forward to another busy weekend day doing something fun.

I also emailed my DoS today and requested to be done this coming Friday. I certainly don’t want to work up until my last days in Turkey. I haven’t heard back from her, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

I’m really going home soon. Wow. I have a lot of feelings about it all. I went and watched what turned out to be an absolutely terrible movie tonight (I seriously debated leaving during intermission). During the movie I ate a shitload of candy… my wonderful way of dealing with the upcoming stress.

One of the first things I want to do when I get back to the US is go to an OA meeting. Things have been out of control for quite a while. I need to stop trying to manage my mood and emotions with food. It’s simply not working and the ‘escape’ it provides me is only fleeting. I should stop trying to escape and start living in reality.

I still have hope that I’m going to find something wonderful to do in the US. I keep thinking about moving to Chicago and pursuing some writing options there. It’s what excites me the most. I’m not quite sure how to make Chicago work, but that will become more clear as time goes on. I really need to find something that will allow me to explore my creative side and ideally work with other funny, creative people. I’m also desperately hoping to start dating again. I feel ready to date, even though I’m terribly out of shape. I can’t really say I’m super fat or anything – in all honesty, I’m not (despite how I feel!), but it’s been so long since I regularly worked out that I have a really low body image right now.

I’m meeting a friend for some sightseeing and tourist stuff tomorrow. I think it’ll be really fun. It’ll also get me up and out of bed in the morning which will be really nice. I still need to determine what my last day of work is going to be. Ideally I’m hoping for next Friday. I really don’t want to continue doing this job and I’d like a little bit of time to say goodbye to the city and prepare to leave. I’m still throwing around the idea of going to Budapest and maybe Prague before I leave Europe, but we’ll see whether I decide to make that happen. I’m going to be super broke very soon so it’s probably not a great idea. Thank God I still have all that retirement money from my old job. I really don’t want to have to use it, but it looks like I won’t have much of a choice.

I am on the verge of a shitload of more changes. I put in notice to leave my job today. While doing it I started to think ‘maybe I could stick this out,’ but the fact is I spent every day this week wondering how I was going to make it through the end of the week. The thought of teaching classes next week was more than I could handle. Leaving this school and Istanbul is the right decision. It’s scary to think of going back to the United States and having to find a job and figure out what I’m going to do there, but I’ve got hope that something truly amazing will pop up and I’ll be able to pursue it with my full attention. A year ago, before leaving the US, I wouldn’t have been able to pursue something with all my heart. Now I can. This last year has been challenging, difficult and amazing. Definitely a year I’ll never forget. I’m excited and hopeful for what the future will bring.

There are so many great possibilities ahead of me. I hope that I’m able to maintain this degree of hope when I actually start looking for jobs back home. Although, now that I think about it, I could really start doing that now. I wouldn’t have to wait until I’m back. Hmm…

I’m also considering going to Budapest for a few days or a week before leaving Europe. I have an itch to visit some place where I’ve never been. The flight from Istanbul is really not that expensive. It’s less than $200 which is pretty awesome. Really, I could even hit up Budapest and Prague before leaving. Maybe go for like 10 days or so. Afterwards I could fly back to Istanbul, grab my stuff and take off. Or stay a little longer. Who knows. The world is my oyster. Now if only I could figure out how to afford the life I want to live. I really hope that’s what’s going to happen next in my life. Woot woot!

My new roommate, who I’ve known for all of 3 days now, asked me tonight if I’m depressed. I had to agree. I am depressed. I’m loathe to admit it, but it’s the truth. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions, but it’s sad that someone I barely know could so easily see it and ask me about it.

I mentioned to my DoS today that I’m planning to go back to the US. I wasn’t able to have much of a conversation about it with her today, but tomorrow morning we are going to sit down and discuss it. I really hope that she doesn’t mind having me be done this week. I would really like Friday to be my last day. I can’t imagine working another week at the school. I just don’t have the energy for it and, like previously mentioned, I’m definitely a little depressed.

I think going back to the states will help. If it doesn’t I’m going to have to consider taking medication again. I really, really don’t want to have to go that route. I realize I might not have much of a choice. In a perfect world I would readily do whatever would be most beneficial for me, but it’s really hard to distance myself from the emotions of what taking an antidepressant would mean. Almost like giving up and admitting defeat – that although I might not need a shitload of medication anymore and that I’m most likely not bipolar, my brain still has a flaw in it and I simply can’t live without medication. I hope that isn’t the case. I really do think that moving back will alleviate a lot of the stress I’m feeling right now. It will certainly help with the feelings of loneliness that I’ve got right now. I do worry that there will be a backlash in the ‘things will never be ok and you’ll never be happy’ line of thinking, but I’ll deal with that if it comes. Hopefully anyway, I’ve become a master at avoiding things so who knows. Maybe I’ll not deal with it.

I’ve got class early in the morning. I really, really hope that it’s going to be my last class at 8 am. I like the student, but I don’t have the energy for this. I’m also not prepared. I’ve got a couple ideas for class, but no real plan for what I’ll do with him for an hour and a half. My goal is to get up early and make it to school with some time to think about a lesson plan, but in all likelihood that won’t happen. It never works like that when an early morning is at hand.

I’m probably going to skype with Liz tonight. I really just feel like going to bed, but it would be nice to talk to her. I feel depleted and like I have very little energy for life right now. Like something is sucking it all away from me and I just want to sleep and be left alone. I really wish I didn’t feel this way. As much as I want to be done working, I fear that a lot of free time (like a couple weeks) before I leave Istanbul will prove to be a bad thing for me. The weekends are hard enough to get through. Ok, time to quit rambling on.

I was pretty determined to get to bed early tonight. I will be in bed pretty early, but not as early as I was hoping. I’m exhausted from today. Today is my busiest day teaching. I teach a class from 8-9:30 am and then again from 5-10 pm. This morning I got up around 6:30 am, wrote morning pages and then left for work. My student had to leave early so I managed to get home around 10 am. I meditated for a little while and then practiced Reiki while I fell asleep. I then slept until about 1:30 pm when I got up, took a shower and went back to work. The point of this very long and terrible story is that nearly the entirety of today was spent either being at work, commuting to or from work, or sleeping. I get to do it all again on Thursday.

I’m going to quit my job tomorrow. I’m ready to be done. These are not sustainable working conditions. My hope is that she says I can be done on Friday, but if she wants I will offer to work next week as well. I just really don’t want to work next week. I’d really like to be done. Not working next week would also give me some time to solidify my plans to fly back to the US and also prepare some more for that (mentally). It’s going to be a big change. I’m ready to go back and feel positive that I can pursue something new. Hopefully find a badass job that I enjoy and work at paying down some debts. If that doesn’t work, I’ll maybe just leave again. I could fly down to South America for a while. I’m not really sure what I would do, but it sounds like there is a nice backpacking scene and it’s supposed to be a pretty inexpensive place to travel around. I could probably make some friends while I did that for a while. Who knows. The point is, I have options and people who are rooting for me, even if I can’t always root for myself.

I feel a real sense of calm and peace right now. It’s appreciated. I haven’t felt this in a number of days. Weeks, maybe. I’ve finally come to terms with what I need to to, which is go back home. I’ve been dragging my feet about actually committing for the past couple weeks, despite a lot of messages from my higher power that it’s the right thing to do. I’m not sure if I’ll feel this way tomorrow. I hope this feeling stays with me. It always seems that the storm brews, I reach my breaking point and then there’s a surrender and things improve after that. I wish I didn’t have to reach the breaking point. That I was able to follow what in my heart I know is the right path without tearing myself up about it. I suppose that’s something I can strive towards. And really, I think it’s something I can accomplish.

I got an email today from a guy I don’t know that well, but I’ve been in contact with a bit since coming to Istanbul. He basically just asked how I was doing and mentioned that he had a strange dream about me last night. Or a dream with me in it, rather. It was nice to get. I’ve been struggling a lot these past few days. I like that there are people out there concerned even if they don’t know me that well. It really brightened my day and makes me think about the unexplainable.