I was going to get up early and take the train into Newark with M, but she decided to leave earlier than anticipated. I knew I wouldn’t have time to write morning pages, so I decided to sleep for a while longer. I fell back asleep and didn’t wake up until 1 pm. I got a shitload of sleep last night. And when I awoke I felt good about it. Like I’d slept well and spent my time wisely. It was nice. I do hope I can manage to get up earlier tomorrow. It was fine to sleep in so late today, but getting 12-13 hours of sleep a night isn’t a great way to ensure productivity.

I did end up making it into Newark to work out. I took the bus there instead of the train. It took me an hour, but the bus picked me up closer to the house and dropped me off right next to the gym. I can’t really see myself doing that frequently to work out. Plus, they didn’t have the elliptical machines I like so I lifted weights for a little while, but didn’t work out the way I’d envisioned. Tomorrow I’m going to try to check out a place that’s closer to the house. After doing some internet research there are a few places that would work. The one I plan to go to tomorrow will most likely take me 30 minutes to walk to, maybe a little more. It’s definitely not ideal, but it’s better than an hour bus ride. There’s also another place that is a 30 minute bus ride. If they have the machine I like I’ll most likely join. Oh, but I also found a CF gym that’s about a 30 minute walk away. I’d love to be doing that again, but I’m afraid because I don’t think my knees will be able to handle it. I also don’t think I’ll have the restraint to avoid overdoing it if I’m back at a CF gym with unlimited WOD’s every week. We’ll see. They have a couple free classes for prospective members every week. I could pretty easily go and check out one of them this week or when I’m back from Christmas.

I haven’t felt like updating this. It just feels tedious and a little bit like it’s a waste of time. It doesn’t take long or anything, but I’m not sure where I’m going with it or if it’s worth my effort. I would definitely prefer to be working on writing that I’d share with other people.

I didn’t get anything productive done as far as the job search goes. Tomorrow I’m going to update my resume. I have to do that and get it sent to Andrew for review before I’m going to allow myself to go to the gym. That’s a rule I’m making for myself right now. Once I have it updated I can start applying for jobs.

Gratitude List:

Making it to the gym, even if my workout was less than ideal.

Being able to appreciate and enjoy sleeping in.

Taking the bus and trying something new.

I stayed in NJ last night, but now I’m back in Harlem at Andrew’s. It was fun to see M and M. I slept in really late today because we stayed up so late last night. Tonight I went to a party with Andrew. I’m so awkward. It was ok though. I kind of wish I had just hung out in Jersey all day, but I figured it would be nice to let M and M have the house to themselves because they haven’t in the past few weeks.

Gratitude List:
Meeting some new people tonight
Surviving a social setting where I felt out of place and uncomfortable
Finally getting to do laundry, even if I wasn’t able to finish it

I went to a meetup group tonight. It was fun. There were a lot of nice people there. I could see myself going more often and getting to know them. A few of the people also shared what they wrote. I don’t ever feel like I produce something worth sharing, but it’s a goal of mine to start. Everyone was very supportive and offered some great feedback. I think I’d definitely be best off writing something funny. No one really tried to write much of anything that was very funny. I can’t really seem to write anything that’s serious. I’d really like to start working on something to share at the next group. That would be awesome. I think.

I’d also really like to be creating. Maybe this weekend I can work on a drawing. I’ve gotten pretty serious about GoT and seem to spend a couple hours a day watching it. Since it’s mostly strategy I could easily draw while watching it. I think that would work really well.

I feel like there’s something inside of me that just wants to create and express itself. I don’t feel like I actually do that often enough. Or that I haven’t quite found the sweet spot when it comes to it all. I hope to do that. I really hope to do that.

I’ve still yet to apply to even one job. I haven’t even updated my resume yet. I need to get the ball rolling before I go back to MN for Christmas. I don’t feel like I have that much free time during my day. I can’t imagine working.

I spent some time meditating today and afterwards laid down to practice Reiki. I ended up falling asleep which was really, really comfortable and great, but it also meant that I didn’t get to the gym with nearly as much time as I’d hoped to. I had enough time to do some squats and then use the elliptical machine for an hour, but I’d really hoped to use it for 2 hours or run for 30 minutes and then go an hour on the elliptical. I should be able to make it back to the gym tomorrow before Andrew gets home from work. With any luck I’ll get there early enough to exercise longer. In all likelihood I won’t be going this weekend. Well, I could pretty easily make it, but I imagine I’ll be hanging out with M and M back in Jersey. Who knows, maybe I can find the time. I’d like to keep the momentum up as far as the gym goes.

Gratitude List:

The meetup group and a few things to think about, that’s for sure

Making the time to meditate this afternoon

Being able to watch more GoT

I didn’t go to the gym today. I should have, but it’s ok to take a day off. My knees appreciated it.

I got up and wrote morning pages and did a few things online. After, I went to MoMA. I really enjoyed being able to wander around the museum. I’m definitely glad I got the membership.

It’s been great staying at Andrew’s. I like being in the city, but I’m also looking forward to being back at M and M’s and getting settled. I’m looking forward to having a room and being able to take things out of my suitcase and unpack. I imagine I’ll be there this weekend.

I still haven’t done much actual job searching. I looked for a little while today, but didn’t apply for any. I need to update my resume so that if I do see a job that looks ok I can apply for it.

I’m going to a writer’s meetup tomorrow. It should be fun. Hopefully everyone is nice and I can make some new friends. I could definitely use some friends. Who knows, maybe someone will have some advice on job searching as well. Networking is always a good thing.

Gratitude List:

Sleeping few hours last night

Getting to view some amazing art and spend time in a fantastic museum

Seeing the snow fall in the city

I got up an hour earlier today than yesterday. That was at least an improvement, I guess. I looked at jobs online for a little while, but didn’t apply for any. I didn’t even see any I really wanted to apply for. I think my best bet is going to be applying at the temp places and trying to get some temp work going. That would at least provide me with some income which would be a major improvement over things right now. It would also give me some time to think, network and develop some ideas as to what I’d like to do. Tomorrow I’ll spend some time researching temp agencies.

Andrew and I cooked dinner tonight (well, frozen pizza) and watched two episodes of Game of Thrones. Neither of us had seen any of them before. I liked it. I could see myself getting pretty into that series. I’d definitely like to continue watching episodes.

I keep looking at writing classes, but I don’t really have the money to take one right now. I’d like to, but they’re really expensive. Plus, I don’t really know what’s going to be a good time to commit to a class that meets for 8 or 10 weeks. I looked for writing meetups and found a whole bunch listed. It wouldn’t be as comprehensive as a class, but I’d probably meet some pretty cool people and be able to network. It would also provide at least some time for me to write. And who knows, maybe I’d even gain some motivation and drive to work on some of the writing projects on my own outside of the meetup group.

I ran for 3 miles (about 28 minutes) on the treadmill and then used the elliptical machine for an hour (8 miles). I didn’t feel the greatest afterwards. I’m not sure if I didn’t drink enough water or have enough food, but I felt a bit sick and unsteady for a while after I finished. It wasn’t great fun. I felt better after eating dinner and drinking lots of water throughout the night. When I get up tomorrow morning I’m going to drink a lot of water so that if I work out and sweat a lot tomorrow I’ll be more hydrated. I can tell my knees are going to hurt tomorrow. They don’t feel the greatest right now. I imagine it was from the running, but it also could be the squats I did before running. Oh yeah, I did squats before running. Just 4 sets of 10 with the bar. I’m still trying to squat the bar a lot when I go so that my knees get used to squatting with weight again, but not with any amount of weight that should bother them much. If I had to guess I’d say the running is what really aggravated my knees. I didn’t run very fast or for very long, but my knees are going to be sore tomorrow. I really don’t want to have to rely on the elliptical machine or a stationary bike as my only source of cardio going forward. I hope my knees start to feel better. The elliptical doesn’t bother them at all, but as soon as I try something else like running I have problems. It’s still early and I’ve only been back at the gym a month. I’ll give the running a rest tomorrow and hope they feel better soon. Or maybe they’ll even feel better in the morning after a good night’s rest. Tomorrow I’m going to try to get up a little early. I’d also like to do something different – like go to a museum, yoga class or just get out and wander around the city.

I’m still super annoyed with my weight. I weighed myself this morning and I’ve gained a few pounds since I’ve been back at the gym. It’s not a super big deal, but I’ve never weighed this much and been happy with my weight. I do think I’m making progress and I can feel that I’ve got more muscle on me than I did before, but I’d still like to shed a few pounds. I weighed 230 pounds this morning which is a lot. I think a good goal weight for me would be 215. I realize with my disordered eating past I’m used to setting goals, achieving them and then setting a new goal, but I really think I’d be happy around 215. My mind is already saying 200. Oh well. Since I’m not losing any weight right now it’s unlikely I’ll ever find myself at 215. I don’t totally understand why I’m not losing weight. I’m eating better, although still not great. I wouldn’t say my calorie intake is super high, though. I’ve definitely been eating less even though I’m still eating some pretty crappy food. Once I’m more settled I’m totally going to tackle that. If I’m eating in and eating food I buy at Costco, or elsewhere, I’ll be eating much healthier and spending a ton less money on food. It’s a win win situation. And I know I’m making progress, I’m just surprised it’s not coming faster. I pushed myself hard for 1.5 hours of cardio at the gym today. I’ve been keeping up a pretty consisted schedule of hitting the gym and it’s definitely not uncommon for me to go longer than the initial hour I shoot for as my bare minimum. I would think the changes in my body would be happening lightning fast. I’ll give it more time and in time I’ll see the changes I want to see. I’m sure I still won’t be happy with my body and how I look since I never actually am. That’s something to work on, I suppose.

Gratitude List:

A longer workout that was pretty satisfying

Watching an interesting tv show tonight

Some hope as far as the writing stuff goes

I slept in so late today. I got nearly 12 hours of sleep last night. My mood was not good after getting up. I hate sleeping that much because I always just feel dull and lethargic when I get that much sleep. I finally made it out of the apartment and went over to the Y to workout. Before going I got on my knees and prayed. It’s definitely something I should do more regularly. I prayed to not have more days where I felt the same as I did today. Tomorrow I’m going to make more of an effort to get up in the morning and be productive earlier in the day. I could go to a museum or do a number of other things. I just don’t want to get up super late in the day and then not do anything for a long time.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. Who knows, maybe I’ll even meditate. Wouldn’t that be great?

Today I felt depressed. It’s not fun. I know that the reason I felt the way I did was in large part because I slept for so long, but if I was feeling better (not depressed) maybe I wouldn’t have slept so long. So really, if I went back on medication I might start sleeping less and feeling better about life. I’m a little overwhelmed right now with all the changes that are happening. Maybe I just bit off more than I can chew moving out to the East Coast. I like it out here, but considering I need to find a job and am returning from my time abroad and am having trouble figuring out what to do, it might have been better for me to settle back in Minnesota. I just don’t know. I am going to set an alarm for the morning and hopefully get up earlier than today. If I made it to the gym in the morning and then did something in the afternoon (like a museum) I think I’d feel better. Having a productive day would be really nice. Wish me luck KP! I feel like I need it.

Gratitude List:

Getting to witness an interesting conversation between two Buddhist teachers

The desire to change

A new day ahead of me tomorrow

We walked around 5th Avenue looking at the Christmas windows. It was a good time. Some of them are really beautiful. There were a million people out doing the same thing, but we managed to get around them somehow.

I spent a little bit of time looking at writing classes. I saw one I’d like to take, but it’s expensive. It’s a 10 week course and the reviews of the school online are all quite good. The class I was looking at doesn’t start for a month so I have some time to think about it. I’ll also look around and see what else is on offer. This is a big place and I’m sure there are many different places I could take a writing class. I’d like to be busy doing something. Or at least busier.

All in all today was a pretty good day. I think tomorrow will be too. I’m going to hit the gym and then meet Andrew for dinner before I go to this talk I signed up for. I should also squeeze some time into looking for a job. Or at least looking at jobs. Maybe something good will pop up.

Gratitude List:

Doing fun, touristy things in the city

Sitting and watching a movie

A relaxed day with lots of time on my own tomorrow

I’m back at Andrew’s.  M and M’s wedding was really nice. It was fun to meet Meda’s family and get a better idea of who they are. I’ve heard a lot of stories about them. They are fun and interesting. Definitely a friendly bunch of people.

I still don’t know what I’ll do for work, nor have I started really looking for or applying for jobs. I’ve been dragging my feet in the hopes that someone will pop into my life with an amazing job opportunity, but I also realize I’ll most likely have to work for it and do a lot of online searching to get a better idea of opportunities. I know that something will pop up. I also know the sooner I start working the better off I’ll be. I should be going to meetings and trying to network with people. I’ll start doing that soon enough.

It was tough being at the wedding last night because I didn’t know many people. I did meet a few people, but a lot of the time I just felt awkward and found it hard to make small talk. I wish I was better at that. Everyone was very friendly.

I don’t have any idea what I’ll do tomorrow. Probably hang out with Andrew. Maybe we can go and do something in the city. It would also be nice to make it to the Y to workout. Hopefully I can fit that in as well. I ate a lot of sugar and not great food these past few days. I’m excited about getting situated somewhere again so I can find some consistency with my diet. I’m grateful that I’m still making it to the gym pretty regularly. This is the 3rd day I’ve been back and I’ve made it to the gym twice, so I think that’s pretty good. It’ll be a little more difficult when I’m in NJ to get there, but I’m going to make it a priority so it’ll happen.

Gratitude List:

A fun time at M and M’s wedding

Making some new friends

Some interesting things to think about

I’m severely exhausted right now. I went to the Y and worked out earlier. They have 2 of the elliptical machines I like. I went for 2 hours which wasn’t very tough until about the last 10 minutes when I just really wanted to be done. The Y wasn’t very big, but I went in the early afternoon so there were very few people there. I’ll maybe go back tomorrow or else try to check out another location. It depends on how much time I have. I’ve got to get myself to M and M’s wedding in the afternoon so I’ll probably go back to the same Y because it’s easier. We’ll see though.

I went to the Reiki clinic tonight and enjoyed it. It was nice to practice on other people and to receive a treatment. It’s always nice to receive a treatment.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m not so stressed about money, but it would be great to be making some. I also feel lost when it comes to a career. I want a career. I want something I can dedicate myself to. I want to be an expert at something. I feel like I’ve got nothing right now and that I’m not very close to finding anything more than I have right now. I feel like I’ll never really fit into this structure of work and careers that so many others seem to understand and not second guess. I know that something good will come along or that I’ll get to where I need to be, but it’s really tough being where I am now. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever have anything more than I have right now, which is basically nothing.

Ok, I’m off to bed. I can’t wait to sleep. A’s bed is so comfortable, too.

Gratitude List:

Getting to work out today

Making progress on my body, even if it feels like it’s barely inching along at times

Getting to practice and receive a treatment tonight

I’m back in NYC!  The flight was pretty uneventful and it was easy enough meeting up with Andrew once my plane landed. I spent the morning running all around Minneapolis getting a few things done. Josh and I also went out for lunch which was really good. I’ll miss being in Minneapolis, but it feels good to be back here and I’m ready to figure something out. Hopefully a job and an income will make it’s way into my life.

I don’t have anything I have to do tomorrow. It’ll be nice. I plan to go to the gym and relax a little around Andrew’s apartment. I like his place. It’s small, but it’s nice and very homey. I could definitely live in a place like this. Not that I could afford it, but you know.

Gratitude List:

Being back in NYC

An easy, relaxing day ahead of me tomorrow

A great friend like Josh