I want to stay positive and project this calm, confident facade to the world that everything is working out and I’m not particularly worried about the details. Unfortunately that’s not me at all. I don’t know that everything is working out. Nor do I know that everything will work out. It always seems to, in the end, but this ‘working itself out period’ could last for months longer before a resolution appears. I don’t have months more of this. I want to be doing something now.

I don’t seem to be taking much action towards anything which is problem in itself. It’s been days since I looked for jobs or applied for any. I still have a hard time being very productive on that front because in my heart I know another 9 to 5 isn’t a sustainable path for me. I want to be doing something more with my time. I’d like to be working towards a goal – like exploring options for going back to school or taking writing classes, but I get caught up in the not having any money to spend on these things and feeling like my primary concern right now needs to be figuring out a job. I spent a lot of time today reading about people making money blogging and doing those sorts of things.  A few websites (the ones trying to sell me on expensive programs) make it seem so easy and straightforward. I love the idea of making money online and just needing a laptop and having the ability to work from anywhere in the world. I’d love to take advantage of a situation like that and spend a massive amount of time traveling, but I’d also like to be situated somewhere and able to put down more roots and develop close friendships and date.

I just feel so stuck. And like I’m never going to not be stuck. This situation is definitely not working and I think it’s time I go somewhere else. I’m not looking for jobs and it doesn’t appear that one is going to materialize. Leaving at this stage is not a great idea because I have no clear plan of action on how to support myself and I need to at least be working towards something before I take off again. Right now I’m just spinning my wheels which is frustrating beyond all belief.

Does my life have a happy ending?

Gratitude List:

Getting to talk to Aunt M today

Checking in with my mother

Pistachios

I’m writing. Imagine that!

I have a headache. And I feel tired. I took some benadryl not long ago with the intention of falling asleep soon. I think that time is coming quickly.

I’ve been meditating again which is good. I only sat for a few minutes last night because we were out so late, but the last few days I’ve been hitting 40 minutes pretty consistently. Yay!

I have a job interview tomorrow. It’s for a remote customer service type position. I found the ad on craigslist and think it’s pretty legit, but might find out during the interview tomorrow that it’s not. We’ll see. I’ve got a pretty well developed bullshit meter.

I met a guy today. I guess it was date. He’s nice, but I don’t necessarily see that going anywhere. Today was actually a second date. We went hiking. I’m not sure if I’ll see him again. He seems busy with stuff and there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to bother with men right now. Ugh, men.

I spent quite a bit of time tonight chatting with a girl in Bali. She’s working on a passive online income. I need to get more serious about doing that kind of thing. The freedom it would provide would be amazing. I don’t need a lot. I just want to be able to travel and see the world without having to have a regular 9 to 5 job. Financial freedom would be amazing. And having some money saved up so that I wasn’t always stressed about it. I don’t see myself becoming a cog in a wheel again. This is going to happen some way. For sure!

Gratitude List:

A nice conversation and a better perspective

Dreams in focus

Time spent in nature

I feel like I have so much clarity in regards to myself and what I need my life to look like going forward. What I don’t have is a plan (or even a clue) as to how to bring those things about in my life. I keep looking at jobs and thinking I’m going to magically find one I don’t hate and fall into a more normalized existence. The problem is, none of the jobs look any good or interesting and things simply don’t seem to be working out. I have a major desire to travel and see the world – there are so, so many places I’ve never been. I still like the idea of living abroad and bouncing around quite a bit, but I’m reluctant to pull the trigger on that because of the financial ramifications that decision would have. I have hope that things will fall into place and that all is working out for the best. I just don’t know if that hope is misguided or naive. Maybe things won’t work out. Maybe I’m not meant to have a meaningful life or live adventurously. There seems to be something clogging up the works and I don’t know what that something is.

I went to CF today and we had to run a mile outside at the beginning of the workout. I think I’m having some kind of not cool allergic reaction to something in the air because I’ve been sneezing and sniffling since the workout. I hope that I feel better tomorrow. I have taken some medicine, but it doesn’t seem to have helped that much.

I really want a fantastic, interesting life. I feel this creative drive inside me – this force that needs to creatively express itself. I know that following that force and its expression through the rest of my life is most likely going to help live a life I’m happy with and proud of. Why am I so afraid to pursue that with reckless abandon? Am I really that scared that I don’t have the talent or that I’ll fall flat on my face? Isn’t it about time I get over myself and my fear of failure. It sucks doing nothing in that regard.

I want to travel, but I also want to date and to love and to create beautiful works of art. I need those things to manifest themselves in my life. I need to find a way to make all of that happen.

Gratitude List:

A changing of the tides. Slow but steady is better than obstinately refusing to change.

Running a mile in less than 7 minutes (although not by much)

A sugar free day!

I’m in the city. I stayed at A’s last night. I didn’t want to bring in a bag so this is going to take the place of morning pages since I don’t have my notebook.

I went to my regular meeting last night only to find out it was canceled. A few people still showed up so we did have a meeting. I didn’t bring my charger into the city thinking I would use A’s like usual, but forgot that he lost his so now my phone is nearly dead. I’m going to see if I can figure out getting it charged today. Hopefully it would be too much work. I’ve seen charging stations at different stores. I just don’t remember if I need my own charger or if they’re built into the charging station. I know I’ve seen some that are built in before so I’m hoping that’s the case. When I leave A’s this morning that’s going to be the first order of business.

I can feel myself gearing up to leave. I still don’t know where I’ll go, but I would be surprised if staying in this area magically works out. I’ve got a couple applications to finish. I’m also going to continue looking for jobs on the off chance that staying here does work. I still fantasize about taking off to South America. It would be a reckless move, that’s for sure. But it also excites me. Things will work out. I just have to be patient.

There are a lot of different things I could do today. I think I’m going to try getting my phone charged and look for a new pair of shoes. I could really use a pair of versatile shoes I can wear a lot. I’ve been wearing my boots basically all the time and I’m sick of them. They’re also falling apart and don’t look that great anymore, not to mention how they hurt my feet when I wear them as much as I have been. I need something I can wear basically everywhere. I’m going to check out a DSW store today I think. And I’m also going to go to a meeting tonight. It should be a good day. I thought about going to a museum and walking around the park, but not having a charger has changed the game plan. I will most likely check out a bookstore as well. It would be nice to buy a new book.

And with that I’m going to get going on my day.

I was sitting here watching some singing show with M and M tonight. Some of the contestants are quite young – one was just 15. I thought about how great it would be to know exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life and to be able to pursue it.

I then thought about myself and my situation and how I do know exactly what I want to do. I might not have known it at 15 years old, but I definitely know it now. And I know it without a doubt in my mind. I really want to create art. I want to create beautiful things and appreciate beautiful things for the rest of my life. I am feeling the courage to make that a reality growing inside of me. I can’t imagine doing anything else (well, aside from writing). I’m on the lookout for opportunities. I’m sure they’ll be presented.

Gratitude List:

Moments of clarity

A nice evening with M and M

Getting some much needed laundry cleaned

I’m searching for something. Meaning? Purpose? Joy? Contentment? Novelty? Self-expression?

I’ve spent the last few hours looking and applying for jobs. I’m not particularly excited about any of them, but my new goal is to get a job and see where that takes me. Working again could open a number of doors I can’t even recognize right now.

I still can’t help but think these jobs are nothing but a short-term fix for a long-term problem. What is my life path? What do I want it to be? Will one of these jobs get me closer to that or just pull me farther away?

I’m definitely stressed about money. I also have way more time on my hands than I need or want right now. A job would help with both of those. But long term I need to find love. I need to find a creative way to express myself. I think I’ll get there. I still wish I could fast forward to that point. I wish I could recognize that the fun comes in figuring that out, not in having it figured out. I know a job will provide me with some structure to make the rest of my dreams a reality. I need that structure right now.

I still want to write something more than random pages in a notebook or the increasingly sporadic updates on hear. I know that I need to make that happen if I’m ever to be free. God willing it will happen.

Gratitude List:

Being back in NJ

A nice day with M and M

Pistachios. Delicious, delicious pistachios.

Today has been good. I was nervous because I agreed to share for just a few minutes at my normal Friday meeting. I spent all week procrastinating on figuring out what to say and then when I got up today planned to work on it, but of course put it off until the very last minute and didn’t spend nearly as much time on it today. When I got to the meeting I realized it’s simply not that big of a deal and I really didn’t need to get worked up about it. I shared and that was fine. I wouldn’t say my share was moving by any means, but it was totally acceptable and it’s a good way to let the other people in the room find out more about me because I tend to be on the quiet side.

After the meeting we went out for fellowship. Last week it was just the young, pretty guys since none of the older crowd went to fellowship. This week it was none of the young guys and just the older guy crowd which was much more enjoyable. All in all it was a good meeting and an enjoyable night.

After fellowship I walked from the Village area to Times Square and took the train from there. It was pretty warm and for the most part not raining so it was a beautiful night to walk. I also didn’t feel like coming back to the apartment yet. I thought about going to a movie, but decided that I’d be better off not spending the money on one.

I’m going to spend some time tomorrow cleaning this apartment. I plan to do the dishes and tidy up a little. It’s certainly not going to be spotless or super clean when A gets back tomorrow, but it’ll look better than it does right now.

I feel like I’ve finally (thankfully!) made it to that place where the pain of not following my dreams is greater than the fear I feel towards trying to make them a reality. I want to create art and write and live a highly creative life. Sticking around NYC would allow me to explore so much. I could also enroll in some classes or even seek a new degree. I’m going to start looking into that more and seeing what’s out there and what’s available. I’m also going to start applying for a lot more jobs and trying to make something happen. I’ve got to get working pretty soon or I’m going to leave this area. I’d be totally fine commuting into the city for a while. That would give me some time to find a place to live and get back on my feet financially. I know that things will work out, I’ve just got to put forth some effort into making them work out. They’re definitely not going to work out if I just sit around in Jersey not doing anything.

I’m upset that my knees still hurt. I had hoped that a full week off would be enough to get them back to a better place, but it really hasn’t been. I’m going back to CF next week and plan to make the best of it, but in the back of my head I’ve already started feeling like my CF days will be coming to an end soon. I know the workouts can be scaled, but I don’t want to constantly have knee pain or have to avoid doing squats all together. I suppose I should consider myself lucky to have gotten 3 months out of the deal. If I go back to a regular gym now I’m also used to lifting weights again so with any luck I’ll be able to work out and continue lifting weights and hopefully gaining some muscle mass. Of course nothing is settled, but I have a pretty good idea that’s how it’s going to play out. I really can’t see myself doing CF for too much longer. I’m bummed, but life will go on and I’ll figure something else out. Not exercising and going to the gym is not an option. And, I can always drop in for a class on occasion if I feel like it. Or put my membership on hold for a month and reevaluate when that month is over as to whether to start going again or not. We’ll see.

Gratitude List:

A nice meeting where I actually shared!

Fellowship with new friends

The motivation and desire to make staying in this area a reality

I can’t believe it’s been 3 weeks since an update. I continue to write in my notebook every morning. I like that habit and think I get a lot out of it, but coming on here regularly also serves a purpose that’s not fulfilled in my notebook every morning.

I just read my last post. Damn, that was dark. Thank god those moments don’t seem to last that long. Well, I shouldn’t say that I felt like I was cracking up for a couple weeks. It wasn’t a lot of fun.

I talked to a program friend last weekend for a long time. I spoke my truth and afterwards felt much better about everything. It’s funny how that works. I’m really glad to have her as someone to reach out to. She’s a gem.

Since then I really have felt much better. I also decided to quit drinking caffeine again. It hasn’t been too rough since I’ve been able to sleep until 1 pm everyday this week. I’m staying at A’s in the city and taking the week off from CF. It was a good decision I’m grateful I’ve made. It’s been fun being in the city. I can’t say I’ve really been doing that much, but I have been getting out which is nice. I’ve also been going to a meeting everyday. It’s nice to have them so accessible again.

I’ll be back in NJ this weekend. It’ll be kind of nice. I love being in the city, but I haven’t been doing a great job of looking for jobs or doing any of those things. I would really like to stay out here. I don’t quite know how that’s going to work out, but if I work at it I think it will. I saw a job on CL that looks interesting. Well, it probably wouldn’t be that great, but the pay was good and I think it’s something I’d be qualified for and good at. I’m going to apply for it.

And I’m going to try to make it back here more often. I say that every time I log in and post something. It’s nice just to bang out a few words at the end of the day. I wish I was writing more, creating. I have such a drive inside me to be doing that. I’ve been thinking more about how I should really go to design or art school. I love art so much. I went to the Guggenheim last weekend and saw a really amazing exhibit. I’d love to learn more about Islamic art and start creating things of my own of immense beauty. I could spend the rest of my day creating things of immense beauty and die feeling happy and fulfilled. I know that to be true. Working a soulless corporate job won’t provide that for me. I still don’t know why I’m so scared of pursuing my dreams. I think if I stick around here in NYC I’ll find more courage to pursue those things. There are lots of creative people doing interesting things. I’d like to be one of them.

Gratitude List:

Seeing a funny show at UCB

A week in the city

Feeling the motivation and drive to make something work (as far as work is concerned)

I feel that my soul has broken. Or been broken by circumstance, myself and the world around me. I feel more lost than ever. I wonder if I’ll ever find myself back on some path to something, anything.

I don’t know where to go from here. I know I can’t continue forth. I know I can’t go back. But will I ever find my way? Or is my place in life simply to drift, malnourished in spirit and love. I want something more for myself. I just don’t know how to get it, how to obtain that or how to live the life I crave.

Is there a God? Can he help me with this? The hour is getting late and the darkness has descended. I know that ultimately it is my responsibility to pull myself out of the pain, but right now I just feel mired and depleted. I can’t go another step forward. I want to give up. To rest and to never face the world again.

How can I allow myself to love and be loved when I feel I am not worthy of either of those things? Why do I feel I’m not worthy of those things? These notions run deep and have been with me longer than I understand. Why is that?

I have dreams, but will I ever have the courage to pursue them?

Gratitude List:

Warmer weather and the appearance of spring approaching

Clarity, even if it’s not something I want to own up to right now

Changes on the horizon

I’m on the bus headed back to Jersey now. I stayed in the city last night. It’s been a fun weekend. On Friday we went to this hip hop thing in Harlem that was put on in this cool, old stage house. I didn’t love the event, but I did enjoy doing somehing different. 

Last night I went to the art museum in Brooklyn for a monthly event they have (free of course!). I’ve never been there and really enjoyed walking through the galleries. They also had a holistic group doing different presentations. I went to a short presentation on crystals as well as healing with accupressure, both of which were interesting. I’d like to do some more research on the accupressure one. All in all it was a really fun night. I love art museums! We also ended it at this delicious Mexican restaurant. I ate a steak burrito bowl. Yum!

Today we went to China town. We walked around for a few minutes and then popped into a massage place. Andrew really wanted to go and I have no ability to turn down a massage. It was definitely $50 I don’t have to spend like that, but still an enjoyable experience. That’s for sure!

While getting the massage it dawned on me: what I really want to be doing right now is traveling. I didn’t get it out of my system, I merely whetted my appetite for international travel, living abroad and exploring this big grand world. Being stuck and stationary for any length of time isn’t going to work right now. I really want to take off again. Some things need to be tweaked and changed over my last experience, but I think I can make those changes. I have a hard time with this realization. I’m such an analytical person and logic in every way, shape and form is telling me that finding a job, getting myself in a better financial situation and settling down for a while is what I need to do right now, but then when I’m able to connect with my heart and my feeling nature, the only option I have is to travel. I feel stuck. Like I think I should stay here, but my heart isn’t in it. As a result, I’m not looking for jobs or doing anything that would enable me to stay. But, since traveling seems like an unwise decision (financially and for other reasons) I’ve not been able to move forward with that either. So I do neither and make no progress on staying here or going somewhere else. It’s frustrating. I also imagine as long as I’m working against what I know in my heart and refusing to live my truth, it’s probably not going to work out. My truth right now is traveling. The sooner I accept that the easier things will be and the quicker I’ll find myself in a state of peace. I’m going to appeal to my higher power to help me. 

Edit: I also forgot to mention, while we were in Chinatown I looked at Andrew and said “I just can’t decide if I should leave or go” and immediately realized I had my answer right there.

I feel emotionally spent right now, largely because of all the caffeine and sugar I’ve consumed today. We ate lunch in Chinatown and I had eggplant because it reminded me of living in China and I also ate dumplings with soup in them which were fantastic. It was an expensive day which is not good. I put a bunch of stuff on my credit card. I need to stop doing that. It wasn’t a ton of money or anything, but it’s certainly money I don’t have.

I almost forgot: I went to Church. The church was beautiful, but the service was boring and devoid of any spirituality (that I could pick up on, I’m sure other people found it). After church I went to a meeting which happened to be on the 11th step and the woman shared about her spiritual practice. It was very interesting and just what I needed. I’ll maybe check out another church service here or there, but really meetings are where I’m going to connect with my higher power. I really don’t think I’ll be finding my HP in or through a church.

Ok, this has been nice. I didn’t do MP this morning because I didn’t want to drag my notebook with me yesterday. It’s great to get all of this stuff running through my head out. Yay!