Today has been good. I was nervous because I agreed to share for just a few minutes at my normal Friday meeting. I spent all week procrastinating on figuring out what to say and then when I got up today planned to work on it, but of course put it off until the very last minute and didn’t spend nearly as much time on it today. When I got to the meeting I realized it’s simply not that big of a deal and I really didn’t need to get worked up about it. I shared and that was fine. I wouldn’t say my share was moving by any means, but it was totally acceptable and it’s a good way to let the other people in the room find out more about me because I tend to be on the quiet side.

After the meeting we went out for fellowship. Last week it was just the young, pretty guys since none of the older crowd went to fellowship. This week it was none of the young guys and just the older guy crowd which was much more enjoyable. All in all it was a good meeting and an enjoyable night.

After fellowship I walked from the Village area to Times Square and took the train from there. It was pretty warm and for the most part not raining so it was a beautiful night to walk. I also didn’t feel like coming back to the apartment yet. I thought about going to a movie, but decided that I’d be better off not spending the money on one.

I’m going to spend some time tomorrow cleaning this apartment. I plan to do the dishes and tidy up a little. It’s certainly not going to be spotless or super clean when A gets back tomorrow, but it’ll look better than it does right now.

I feel like I’ve finally (thankfully!) made it to that place where the pain of not following my dreams is greater than the fear I feel towards trying to make them a reality. I want to create art and write and live a highly creative life. Sticking around NYC would allow me to explore so much. I could also enroll in some classes or even seek a new degree. I’m going to start looking into that more and seeing what’s out there and what’s available. I’m also going to start applying for a lot more jobs and trying to make something happen. I’ve got to get working pretty soon or I’m going to leave this area. I’d be totally fine commuting into the city for a while. That would give me some time to find a place to live and get back on my feet financially. I know that things will work out, I’ve just got to put forth some effort into making them work out. They’re definitely not going to work out if I just sit around in Jersey not doing anything.

I’m upset that my knees still hurt. I had hoped that a full week off would be enough to get them back to a better place, but it really hasn’t been. I’m going back to CF next week and plan to make the best of it, but in the back of my head I’ve already started feeling like my CF days will be coming to an end soon. I know the workouts can be scaled, but I don’t want to constantly have knee pain or have to avoid doing squats all together. I suppose I should consider myself lucky to have gotten 3 months out of the deal. If I go back to a regular gym now I’m also used to lifting weights again so with any luck I’ll be able to work out and continue lifting weights and hopefully gaining some muscle mass. Of course nothing is settled, but I have a pretty good idea that’s how it’s going to play out. I really can’t see myself doing CF for too much longer. I’m bummed, but life will go on and I’ll figure something else out. Not exercising and going to the gym is not an option. And, I can always drop in for a class on occasion if I feel like it. Or put my membership on hold for a month and reevaluate when that month is over as to whether to start going again or not. We’ll see.

Gratitude List:

A nice meeting where I actually shared!

Fellowship with new friends

The motivation and desire to make staying in this area a reality