Ok, 15 minutes. Get ready, set go!

I prayed this morning before going to work. I try to pray every night before going to bed, but praying in the morning isn’t something I’m in the habit of doing. As I was getting ready for work, I was thinking about how I really wanted to have a better day teaching today. Yesterday was very tough. In fact, the last couple weeks have been quite tough. I can’t seem to get myself into a great place mentally to teach the classes which makes them all difficult. My job isn’t that demanding or hard. I’m able to have fun with it if I want, but when I’m in a bad mood and don’t want to be there class seems to drag on forever. So, today the idea of praying popped into my head and before I left my apartment. I got onto my knees and asked for help making it through the day. I asked for help maintaining a positive attitude and having fun with my classes. While walking to work I ran into a Chinese TA from my school that I’m friends with. I explained to her that I’ve been having a lot of trouble with it all lately, but I’m still trying. It was nice to have that conversation with her. And, as it turned out, classes went much better today than they have been in recent weeks. So much better in fact that I wondered if I shouldn’t stick it out in China teaching for a while longer. I know in my heart that’s not the right path for me, but the thought did cross my mind. I’m extremely grateful to have had a better day teaching.

My parents will be here in a week! I’m so excited to see them! I can’t believe it’s been 10 months since I last shared physical space with them. I’ve decided I should tell them I’ve put in my notice to leave this job. I know it’ll worry them, but keeping it from them is starting to weigh on me. I had planned to just tell them when they get to China, but I think I should do it before then. Hopefully sometime this week.

Ok, that’s all. My computer is threatening to shut down for some updates and I don’t want to get caught mid post by that. This makes 3 days in a row being back KP. I’m grateful to have these short moments where I can talk to you about what’s going on in my life. Hopefully we can delve into something a little more meaningful than the boring, mundane day to day soon.

PS. I really hope Istanbul works out, but am I just trying to return to the scene of the crime? Will it really be beneficial? Would I be better off finding a place I’ve never been and starting fresh? Budapest? Prague? I guess we’ll see. I don’t have to make any decisions right now, but I will want to start thinking about it soon. I doubt it will be too tough to coordinate an apartment, but I’d rather not have any surprises. I’m soooo excited to be somewhere other than Asia. Yay!

I just noticed that yesterday the post was titled 911 instead of the date. I’m not quite sure how that happened. It’s certainly an odd coincidence, but it reminds me to ask for help. I’m not going to be able to do this on my own. That’s for sure.

Ok, I’m using a free trial of a VPN again so I’ve got 10 minutes to write this update. Let’s do this!

I felt much better about my decision to leave China. It’s the right thing to do. I need to be living in a place a little calmer and more relaxed, not to mention a city that’s prettier that I feel more of a connection with. Aside from the expensive parts of Asia – namely Hong Kong and Japan, I haven’t felt a spiritual connection to the area. I really want to go back to Istanbul because I felt that spiritual connection when I was there last time. Not to mention how stunningly beautiful and vibrant the city is. I’m pretty determined to make it to Istanbul, but if the protests continue or get worse I’ll most likely decide to go somewhere else. There are lots and lots of places I could go. Istanbul holds a dear place in my heart and I’d love to start there because it’s a place I would like to spend a few months and already have a connection with (versus choosing a city I’ve never visited), but I’ve got some time to think about it. And really, Istanbul isn’t going anywhere so if I go somewhere else for now I can always head back at a later date. I plan to do this traveling/living a bunch of different places for a while. I think it’ll be really neat.

Work was really, really difficult today. I’m having major motivational problems. I taught a class that I really like this evening, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get excited or put forth the effort it deserved. This was really sad. I hope that I’m able to change my attitude soon. I don’t know how I’ll make it through the next couple of months if things don’t improve.

I woke up today feeling really, really fat. And to be honest, after looking in the mirror I came to the conclusion that I also look really, really fat. Damn I’ve gained quite a bit of weight and I feel super uncomfortable with my body right now. I also broke down and ate a shitload of sugar. It’s been slowly creeping back into my diet in the form of juice and not very sweetened cookie things, but today I finally broke down and ate M&Ms, ice cream and a bunch of other junk. It certainly didn’t help the situation. Thankfully I ran up and down the stairs for an hour tonight so I at least got some exercise. I’m hoping to avoid the sugar tomorrow and to also feel better about my weight. I wonder if I didn’t eat something yesterday that’s partly to blame for this major uptick in body image issues I’m experiencing. I know I’ve gained some weight, but it hasn’t been this bad for a while and it seems to have just exploded in the last couple of days. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day with it all! 🙂

Ok, I should get to bed and get this posted. I’ve got less than 2 minutes left to get this update finished. I’ve also got a full day of classes tomorrow. I’m not excited for them, but at least after this weekend I have one more week and then it’s off for a full week. Plus, I get to see my parents. I’m super excited about that! It’s going to be amazing. I can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since I saw them. I’m planning to tell them I’m leaving Ningbo sometime this weekend. I figure I should break it to them before they get here.

My day was both good and bad. I felt good this morning with my decision to leave China and head to Turkey. Later on it was a bit more difficult. I found myself struggling with self-doubt and the confidence that I can make this work out. I know that leaving China and striking off to somewhere else is a good idea. I also know that another teaching job is probably not the way to go, but I’ve got a lot of fear which mostly stems from not knowing if I’ll be able to figure out freelance work online and be able to support myself. If it wasn’t for that I’d leave China in a heartbeat without looking back. The day was going really well until I got an email from this guy from the program who more or less offered me a job teaching in Shanghai. It’s not an ideal situation, but there are a lot of positive things about it. I just know in my heart that it’s not the right thing for me to do. I wouldn’t like another teaching job. It would at least give me some time to explore making money online, but I’m concerned it would monopolize so much of my time and energy that I’d not be able to put much effort into the online stuff.

I need to quit thinking about money so much. There’s so much uncertainty surrounding it all, but my higher power has made it so clear that as long as I follow my dreams and do in my heart what I know is right everything else will fall into place and financially I’ll be taken care of. Tomorrow I’m going to take some more time to look at this writing website I joined. I plan to introduce myself and ask for advice from the other members. I need to know if it’s feasible to have an income of $2000/month coming in within the next 4 months. I think I can make things work on that amount of money.

The other thing that really made me wonder if I’m making a terrible mistake is reading about the political unrest in Istanbul right now. I’d probably be ok, but if it escalates I’ll really have to think twice about going there. I do think if I just stayed away from the protests it wouldn’t be a problem, but you never know. Thankfully I’ve got 2 months to see how things change and if it settles down or not. I really hope it does. The articles today were not very positive. I just love Istanbul so much and want to live there for a bit. Worst case scenario is that I can always find somewhere else to go. As much as I’d like it to be Istanbul, I could find another city. I don’t need to make any decisions on that right now and I’m not going to. I know that leaving China is the right decision, but I’m being tempted with how easily everything in Shanghai has fallen into place. I’ll be giving up if I move to Shanghai though. I hope that my higher power makes things clearer for me. I hate being stuck in a negative head space surrounding all of that right now.

I’m grateful I have the courage to be thinking about striking off on my own and figuring out another way of doing things. I’m grateful that I’m not stuck in the cycle of suffering and the belief that I couldn’t, or didn’t deserve, to live a better, happier life. I do deserve to live a happy life. I’m also determined to find it. It’s within my reach and the time is now.

KP!

I can’t believe how long it’s been. Over 4 months since an update and before that the updates were very sporadic. I have so much to catch you up on KP.

I’m in China. In fact, I have to use a VPN to access you because wordpress is blocked in China. I’d really like to start updating daily again. It helped so much when I was doing daily updates. It might take a while to get back into the routine of things, but I’m really going to try.

Ok, so again I’m in China. It’s tough here. I’ve been here for over 4 months now and I’m ready to leave. I haven’t made many friends in Ningbo and certainly don’t have any good friends. There’s been a real lack of joy in my life these past few months. But really, it’s been longer than that. I wouldn’t say there was a ton of joy in my life in Thailand. Well, that is until I left.

I don’t like teaching. It’s been a difficult fact to face up to, but I simply don’t like it and can’t imagine doing it for too much longer. I don’t find the school to be very professional and I don’t like the kids that much either. Couple that with the loneliness I feel in Ningbo and things could definitely be better. I’m getting by and everything – still sober and glad I made the journey here, but I’m ready to leave.

And, thankfully, I am leaving. In 2 months time I will be done teaching. It was a difficult decision to put in my 90 day notice to leave this job, but it was the right decision. At the time I thought moving to Shanghai would be the best thing for me. Shanghai has a lot of contemporary art galleries, a really nice recovery community, comedy shows and a nice group of people I’ve managed to become friends with. Unfortunately, I’m now at the point with this job where I’m not sure I’ll be able to suffer through the next two months. I’m just at a point where I really, really don’t like it. The thought of finding another teaching job in Shanghai is simply not something I’m willing to do. Teaching isn’t for me and I’m ok with throwing in the towel. I’ve also got some exciting plans instead of Shanghai now. I’m going to head to Istanbul for a few months. I’m so excited about the prospect of being back in that city with a longer time to explore and discover all the cool things there are in Istanbul. It really hasn’t been a difficult decision to go back. I fell in love with that city a year ago and it’s time I visit it once again. I’m hoping to coordinate an apartment on Craigslist before I get there and then stay for 90 days which is how long the visa is good for. Logically Shanghai would be an easier and more financially savvy decision on my part, but I can’t teach any more and I feel I’m being pulled to Istanbul. My gut says Istanbul is where I’m meant to be so I’m going to trust my higher power and that the financial aspect of it all will fall into place.

It’s nice seeing you again KP. Like I said, I’m really hoping to make this a regular thing again. I enjoyed our time together before. I’ve also got a lot to process again because so much has changed since I quit the regular updates. Alright, I’m headed to bed now because I’m exhausted.

This might be goodbye KP!

I’m waiting to board a flight to Ningbo. I’m not sure if this site will be available in mainland China or not. If it isn’t I want you to know how greatly appreciative I’ve been to have you in my life. Someday we’ll meet again I’m sure.

The last few days in Hong Kong have been wonderful. I do really like this place. It’s been great staying with A and getting to stay in such a spacious, beautiful apartment. I hope to make it back soon. Or relatively soon. I’m a bit nervous about being in mainland China, but it’ll be an experience and if I absolutely hate it I can always just leave. I’m no ones slave, that’s for sure.

Gratitude List:
Kittenparachutes
New adventures, new friends and a life well lived
No longer being homeless

Today was a wonderful gift. I had such a great time wandering around Nara and all the beautiful temples and countryside. I feel a real connection to this place. The people, the natural beauty, and the structures just all make sense. I’m so grateful I decided to take this trip.

Yesterday was a pretty monumental day which I don’t think I mentioned in the update last night. Yesterday was the day I went from ‘what do I believe’ to ‘I believe.’ This is a major shift for me. I’m someone who can hardly make up his mind about what to order for dinner (so many choices!) so coming to the definitive conclusion that I do believe in God, Buddha, Sonten, etc, is a pretty big deal. Today I felt a much deeper connection to GBM. It’s nice to finally have her in my life.

I also bought a whole bunch of bracelets! I love them all. Woot woot!

And afterwards I relaxed in an onsen for a couple hours. It was a great, and relaxing, day.

I also ate dinner at this place in Nara and ended up chatting with this really nice woman while eating. During dinner, the song “Can Change the World” by Eric Clapton came on the radio. It’s been running through my head these past few days and it made me realize that I’ll never be able to figure out everything on my own. I need the help and guidance from the people around me. And, unless I reach out for that help I won’t be able to make it. Of course I’ll try to return the favor as well.

Gratitude List:
Onsen
New bracelets
A wonderful dinner

Kyoto is such an amazing place. I had an amazing day. Life changing, really.

After a few false starts, I figured out how to get to Mount Kurama. There is a temple and a trail I hiked that wandered through the mountains. As soon as I got to the temple I could just feel that it was a sacred place. Felt a bit familiar, too. I hiked the entire trail taking my time to stop at most of the shrines and buildings set up along the way. It was a bit surreal – magical, really. Once I’d hiked the trail I turned back around and hiked back to the town where I started. It took much less time on the way back.

Once I got back to town I went to an onsen in Kurama. That, too, was a great experience. It was basically a hot spring pool that you can sit in. The view of the mountains was amazing and it felt wonderful after being on my feet for so many hours hiking all around the mountain. The other thing about the onsen is that you’re completely nude while there. I got a towel that wasn’t really a towel – it didn’t cover anything, but it wasn’t supposed to, either. I felt a lot more comfortable being naked there than I thought I would. I think since there was nothing sexual about it. It’s not like being at the gym or a gay sauna where there’s a very real chance of rejection. This place wasn’t about sex or hooking up in any way so there was no fear of rejection. That said, there were about 10 different guys there in the 2 hours or so I spent soaking that I totally would have fooled around with. I tried not to stare, but it was hard not to look a little. Hot men always makes my gaydd kick in. And a few of these guys were really hot – and very naked. Anyway, all in all the day was amazing. I’m exhausted now and certain to sleep well tonight. I’m planning on getting up in the morning and maybe biking around Kyoto. I was thinking about taking a train to Nara, but I’d really like to research some things to do there first and have a plan. I’m not sure I’m up for making a plan at this point since I really just want to sleep.

I almost forgot – after the onsen I found a restaurant in the Geisha district and had a nice meal for dinner. I haven’t spent that much on a meal in a really long time. It was really delicious and well worth it, though. I’m totally glad I made that decision.

There is one other notable thing that happened today. I walked by this mercedes thinking about how I don’t see numbers everywhere here like I did in Thailand. When I looked at the license plate it was 14-8 and as soon as I saw the number it started spinning and flew away (in my mind’s eye, that is). It was incredibly beautiful to see it spin. I’ve never seen anything like that before. It reminded me a lot of being manic and throwing bottles in the air and catching them so I could watch them spin. And also the day I tried to draw the wind. It reminded me of that, too.

Gratitude List:
Coming home
Being able to be naked around people without extreme judgment of myself on my part
A yummy meal – if not a bit expensive

Hey KP!

I’m in Kyoto, Japan. I really like this place. After spending so many months in Thailand I didn’t think any Asian city could be charming, but Kyoto is most certainly charming. I saw a temple today and got a reiki treatment. Both were really great. The temple was so peaceful and serene. Unlike the thai temples in nearly every way. And get this: I got to wear a jacket most of the day! It rained, but I didn’t mind much. Tomorrow I’ve got some really fun things planned as well. I also really like the hostel I’m staying in now. I’m moving to a different one tomorrow that I think I’ll like quite a bit as well.

I’ll come back again soon and chat more!

Gratitude List:
A peaceful day
Some emotional truths
Reiki

First full day back in Hong Kong and it was a busy one. I got the medical check completed this morning. It really wasn’t too bad and it ended up costing me less than I’d expected which I’m grateful for. After the medical check I went to a meeting that had some really warm, welcoming people. I’m planning to go back to that meeting. If I were to stick around in HK it’s certainly a group I could get to know and really like. After the meeting I wandered around this big garden with a conservatory, aviary and man made lakes (ok, ponds really). It was beautiful and I especially liked the conservatory that had a show on fragrant plants. Walking into that room and smelling all the beautiful smells was certainly a highlight of my entire day.

This evening I met up with AP and got dinner. We wandered around Kowloon and it was really nice. I’m lonely and tired from not sleeping well last night (or long enough) which has skewed my emotions into fragile territory. I’m going to bed soon and planning to sleep longer tonight so that tomorrow will go a bit smoother. I really enjoyed today, but I can tell I’m just slightly off from not getting enough sleep last night and all the walking I did today.

I’m meeting AP in the morning and we are going to do something. I’m headed up to where he is staying and bringing my suitcase that he has so graciously said he can store while I’m in Japan. Speaking of Japan, I can’t wait. I decided I should get a reiki treatment while there. While researching that a little I realized I’m going to be so close to the birthplace of reiki. Perhaps that was where my fixation to on making it to Japan is coming from – a need for a pilgrimage of sorts to where it all started. Or if not started, somewhere I’ve already been. I have a feeling, and I’m giving myself some leeway on sounding crazy right now since I don’t do it often enough, that I’ve been working on figuring out this mystery of life for much longer than this one, relatively short incarnation I’ve had as myself. My gut tells me I’m meant to pick up where I left off, but in order to do that some truths from the past will need to bubble up to the surface so going forward I’ll be on sound footing. I think that’s what Japan is really about: reclaiming what’s been mine in the past. A repatriation of the soul.

Gratitude List:
Impromptu qi gong class in the room at the hostel
AP and all his help right now
Being tired after a busy day

I’m at the airport waiting to board a flight to Hong Kong. I’m so excited about being back there and my upcoming trip to Japan.

I’ve got a lot of mixed emotions about leaving Thailand. This place has been my home for the past 5 months. I’ve hit some rough patches here, but for the most part it’s been good. I saw my thai friend yesterday – lunch, massages and movie day. I’m going to miss them. As well as the comfort and security of SB’s apartment. Last night I took a leisurely walk home through Lumpini park. I knew I still had to pack, but I wanted to say goodbye to Bangkok. Once I got home I had the hardest time getting myself to pack and then when I woke up this morning I had this feeling of dread inside me. I’m so excited about being back in Hong Kong and living out my dreams – especially my upcoming visit to Japan. I really can’t figure out where the sense of dread is coming from. There is a lot of uncertainty in my near future which could be it, but I’ve gotten so much better at rolling with uncertainty that I really don’t think that’s it. If I had to guess, which I don’t, but I will, I’d say it’s about the uncharted territory of dating again that I feel very close to. I do plan to date once I’m settled. It’s hard, though, since I’m pretty uncomfortable with my body right now. I will keep in mind what JS told me in a dream and just take it slow. I don’t need to jump into bed with someone and don’t think that behavior will lead me to a boyfriend. Plus, I don’t plan to date anyone without a kind heart and any guy I’d want to date will be wiling to wait until I’m ready to take it to the sex stage. I’d certainly give someone I wanted to date all the time they needed to prepare for sex. It’s unfair of me not to give myself the same accommodation.

I talked to both my brothers about an hour ago. It was nice, but really drove home the fact that we’re all living such different lives right now. Or rather, that I’m choosing to live my life differently. Running all around the world, really. My older brother is doing a good job in my opinion of trying to get to where he wants to be, a better place, one of fulfillment and happiness, but my twin brother is floundering a bit. I see him reaching, hoping for something more, something better. I think he’ll get there, in time. Everything should be figured out in time.

Gratitude List:
SB and all his kindness
Getting to talk to my brothers today
Saying farewell to Thailand and the wonderful adventure I’ve had exploring this country. I may not have any trinkets from here, but I’ll cherish the memories, for a lifetime.