I’m searching for something. Meaning? Purpose? Joy? Contentment? Novelty? Self-expression?

I’ve spent the last few hours looking and applying for jobs. I’m not particularly excited about any of them, but my new goal is to get a job and see where that takes me. Working again could open a number of doors I can’t even recognize right now.

I still can’t help but think these jobs are nothing but a short-term fix for a long-term problem. What is my life path? What do I want it to be? Will one of these jobs get me closer to that or just pull me farther away?

I’m definitely stressed about money. I also have way more time on my hands than I need or want right now. A job would help with both of those. But long term I need to find love. I need to find a creative way to express myself. I think I’ll get there. I still wish I could fast forward to that point. I wish I could recognize that the fun comes in figuring that out, not in having it figured out. I know a job will provide me with some structure to make the rest of my dreams a reality. I need that structure right now.

I still want to write something more than random pages in a notebook or the increasingly sporadic updates on hear. I know that I need to make that happen if I’m ever to be free. God willing it will happen.

Gratitude List:

Being back in NJ

A nice day with M and M

Pistachios. Delicious, delicious pistachios.