I can’t believe it’s been 3 weeks since an update. I continue to write in my notebook every morning. I like that habit and think I get a lot out of it, but coming on here regularly also serves a purpose that’s not fulfilled in my notebook every morning.

I just read my last post. Damn, that was dark. Thank god those moments don’t seem to last that long. Well, I shouldn’t say that I felt like I was cracking up for a couple weeks. It wasn’t a lot of fun.

I talked to a program friend last weekend for a long time. I spoke my truth and afterwards felt much better about everything. It’s funny how that works. I’m really glad to have her as someone to reach out to. She’s a gem.

Since then I really have felt much better. I also decided to quit drinking caffeine again. It hasn’t been too rough since I’ve been able to sleep until 1 pm everyday this week. I’m staying at A’s in the city and taking the week off from CF. It was a good decision I’m grateful I’ve made. It’s been fun being in the city. I can’t say I’ve really been doing that much, but I have been getting out which is nice. I’ve also been going to a meeting everyday. It’s nice to have them so accessible again.

I’ll be back in NJ this weekend. It’ll be kind of nice. I love being in the city, but I haven’t been doing a great job of looking for jobs or doing any of those things. I would really like to stay out here. I don’t quite know how that’s going to work out, but if I work at it I think it will. I saw a job on CL that looks interesting. Well, it probably wouldn’t be that great, but the pay was good and I think it’s something I’d be qualified for and good at. I’m going to apply for it.

And I’m going to try to make it back here more often. I say that every time I log in and post something. It’s nice just to bang out a few words at the end of the day. I wish I was writing more, creating. I have such a drive inside me to be doing that. I’ve been thinking more about how I should really go to design or art school. I love art so much. I went to the Guggenheim last weekend and saw a really amazing exhibit. I’d love to learn more about Islamic art and start creating things of my own of immense beauty. I could spend the rest of my day creating things of immense beauty and die feeling happy and fulfilled. I know that to be true. Working a soulless corporate job won’t provide that for me. I still don’t know why I’m so scared of pursuing my dreams. I think if I stick around here in NYC I’ll find more courage to pursue those things. There are lots of creative people doing interesting things. I’d like to be one of them.

Gratitude List:

Seeing a funny show at UCB

A week in the city

Feeling the motivation and drive to make something work (as far as work is concerned)