My new roommate, who I’ve known for all of 3 days now, asked me tonight if I’m depressed. I had to agree. I am depressed. I’m loathe to admit it, but it’s the truth. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions, but it’s sad that someone I barely know could so easily see it and ask me about it.

I mentioned to my DoS today that I’m planning to go back to the US. I wasn’t able to have much of a conversation about it with her today, but tomorrow morning we are going to sit down and discuss it. I really hope that she doesn’t mind having me be done this week. I would really like Friday to be my last day. I can’t imagine working another week at the school. I just don’t have the energy for it and, like previously mentioned, I’m definitely a little depressed.

I think going back to the states will help. If it doesn’t I’m going to have to consider taking medication again. I really, really don’t want to have to go that route. I realize I might not have much of a choice. In a perfect world I would readily do whatever would be most beneficial for me, but it’s really hard to distance myself from the emotions of what taking an antidepressant would mean. Almost like giving up and admitting defeat – that although I might not need a shitload of medication anymore and that I’m most likely not bipolar, my brain still has a flaw in it and I simply can’t live without medication. I hope that isn’t the case. I really do think that moving back will alleviate a lot of the stress I’m feeling right now. It will certainly help with the feelings of loneliness that I’ve got right now. I do worry that there will be a backlash in the ‘things will never be ok and you’ll never be happy’ line of thinking, but I’ll deal with that if it comes. Hopefully anyway, I’ve become a master at avoiding things so who knows. Maybe I’ll not deal with it.

I’ve got class early in the morning. I really, really hope that it’s going to be my last class at 8 am. I like the student, but I don’t have the energy for this. I’m also not prepared. I’ve got a couple ideas for class, but no real plan for what I’ll do with him for an hour and a half. My goal is to get up early and make it to school with some time to think about a lesson plan, but in all likelihood that won’t happen. It never works like that when an early morning is at hand.

I’m probably going to skype with Liz tonight. I really just feel like going to bed, but it would be nice to talk to her. I feel depleted and like I have very little energy for life right now. Like something is sucking it all away from me and I just want to sleep and be left alone. I really wish I didn’t feel this way. As much as I want to be done working, I fear that a lot of free time (like a couple weeks) before I leave Istanbul will prove to be a bad thing for me. The weekends are hard enough to get through. Ok, time to quit rambling on.

I was pretty determined to get to bed early tonight. I will be in bed pretty early, but not as early as I was hoping. I’m exhausted from today. Today is my busiest day teaching. I teach a class from 8-9:30 am and then again from 5-10 pm. This morning I got up around 6:30 am, wrote morning pages and then left for work. My student had to leave early so I managed to get home around 10 am. I meditated for a little while and then practiced Reiki while I fell asleep. I then slept until about 1:30 pm when I got up, took a shower and went back to work. The point of this very long and terrible story is that nearly the entirety of today was spent either being at work, commuting to or from work, or sleeping. I get to do it all again on Thursday.

I’m going to quit my job tomorrow. I’m ready to be done. These are not sustainable working conditions. My hope is that she says I can be done on Friday, but if she wants I will offer to work next week as well. I just really don’t want to work next week. I’d really like to be done. Not working next week would also give me some time to solidify my plans to fly back to the US and also prepare some more for that (mentally). It’s going to be a big change. I’m ready to go back and feel positive that I can pursue something new. Hopefully find a badass job that I enjoy and work at paying down some debts. If that doesn’t work, I’ll maybe just leave again. I could fly down to South America for a while. I’m not really sure what I would do, but it sounds like there is a nice backpacking scene and it’s supposed to be a pretty inexpensive place to travel around. I could probably make some friends while I did that for a while. Who knows. The point is, I have options and people who are rooting for me, even if I can’t always root for myself.

I feel a real sense of calm and peace right now. It’s appreciated. I haven’t felt this in a number of days. Weeks, maybe. I’ve finally come to terms with what I need to to, which is go back home. I’ve been dragging my feet about actually committing for the past couple weeks, despite a lot of messages from my higher power that it’s the right thing to do. I’m not sure if I’ll feel this way tomorrow. I hope this feeling stays with me. It always seems that the storm brews, I reach my breaking point and then there’s a surrender and things improve after that. I wish I didn’t have to reach the breaking point. That I was able to follow what in my heart I know is the right path without tearing myself up about it. I suppose that’s something I can strive towards. And really, I think it’s something I can accomplish.

I got an email today from a guy I don’t know that well, but I’ve been in contact with a bit since coming to Istanbul. He basically just asked how I was doing and mentioned that he had a strange dream about me last night. Or a dream with me in it, rather. It was nice to get. I’ve been struggling a lot these past few days. I like that there are people out there concerned even if they don’t know me that well. It really brightened my day and makes me think about the unexplainable.

My new roommate is a cute, 22 year old Turkish guy who apparently doesn’t mind walking around in his underwear. My other roommate I haven’t met, but I think he may be passed out on the couch in the living room.

I like this apartment because it’s quiet, but I found out tonight that the door to my room doesn’t close all the way. I really want to jerk off before going to bed… I think I’ll be ok. I should be able to hear if anyone is coming down the hall or opening or closing doors.

Today was, in a word, unpleasant. I got up this morning after not getting enough sleep, quickly finished packing and then got a cab to the new apartment. I managed to make it out without seeing any of my old roommates. I wish I had told him a few weeks ago I was planning to move out. It was a total dick move on my part to just bail without giving him any notice or even saying goodbye. I did send a text once I was safely gone. It was certainly not my finest moment.

I talked to a few different people from back home tonight. After feeling slightly crazy all day I really needed to talk to some old friends. I called my good friend Chris first. It was really great talking to him. I always get a lot out of his perspective. He’s very wise. He was excited to hear that I’m thinking about moving back. I’m really ready to be done with this. I left the US over a year ago because I wanted to pursue something more in my life. I’ve done that and now I’m ready to go back for the same reason. It seems that only my parents are not excited for me in closing this chapter and moving back. I know they’re excited, but they’re also being my parents. After talking to them I spoke to Maren in NJ on skype for a while. It’s always great talking to her because she’s very level-headed and down to Earth. She gave me some good advice about how to make things work. I’m grateful to have these friends in my life.

I’m getting more concerned about my mental health. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for quite a few years. They just seemed to stop at some point after basically being with me my entire life. This evening I found myself thinking that maybe it’s time to finally off myself. I then tried to do a little google research as to what you can buy at the pharmacy for over the counter medication. I’ve done the pill popping suicide attempts in the past and it didn’t work out. I assume another try like that would end in the same way, but I was still curious and wanted to explore my options. The unfortunate thing is, when I feel that way I want to continue feeling that way. I want to revel in the depression and the poor me and the life-will-never-be-better attitude. I don’t feel that way right now. Tomorrow is going to be a new day and quite possibly a much better day. I’m excited to see what it brings. Hopefully that will include a more positive outlook on this current situation. I keep falling into this depression and then I don’t want to be here, but when I come out of it and feel like I can make something work in my life I’m usually also wanting to leave Istanbul and go back to the states so that I can pursue something more. I just feel a lot more positive about what I could possibly pursue and how that would go.

I think I should really have a conversation with the DoS at my school tomorrow and let her know that I very well might decide to go back to the US soon. It’s only fair to warn her. And really, I’ve got to leave the country before my 90 day visa is up and it would be kind of nice to travel around a bit before going back home. Or at least to enjoy Istanbul a bit more before leaving this city. For that reason, I really need to have that conversation with her. I meant to do it last week, but every time I was around her I didn’t want to bring it up. I don’t want to leave her totally high and dry though. It sounds like there are enough part-time teachers starved for hours that I think she’d be able to make things work. I should still give her some notice though.

And with that it’s time to masturbate with the door ever so slightly ajar. Blergh. Although, truth be told, I totally wouldn’t mind if my cute 22 year old Turkish roommate joined me.

I feel so much better right now than I did even an hour ago. That conversation with M helped a lot.

Things have been difficult lately and I’ve been thinking a lot about coming home for many different reasons. I’m partly homesick, but I’m also ready to pursue something which I’m not sure I’ll really be able to do abroad. This last week was especially rough since I was trying to find a new room to rent and getting stressed out about it. I’m sick of the place where I’m currently living. It’s chaotic, loud and just an awkward situation. I found a place yesterday and made plans to move in tomorrow. The guy who is renting me the room in his apartment is super cool. I think it’ll be a really nice place to live for a while.

Based on my mental health history, it’s unrealistic to think that I’ll never feel depressed again or go through some rocky patches. Despite that knowledge, it’s still tough to admit when I’m struggling mentally. I was mildly depressed in China and this super stressful situation in Turkey that I shoved myself into was, in retrospect, not the best idea. I’ve always had to test boundaries – to see how far I can push myself before I break, both mentally and physically. The problem is, you never know where that boundary lies until you’ve crossed it.

I still might decide to come home. And honestly, if I do it’ll probably be pretty soon. This teaching job is really stressful right now because I don’t really know what I’m doing and the hours and pay are fucking terrible. I hope that things improve now that I’ve figured out a better place to live. If I can focus on the teaching for a month or two and get things under control I’ll stick out the rest of the contract. If not, I’m out. I’m nobody’s bitch for the amount I’m getting paid. Let’s skype sometime soon! I’ve got a few days off at the end of July and I’m debating going to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. The problem is, I only have 5 days off including the weekend so I wouldn’t have much time at all. Plus, I’m totally broke and going to be running a monthly deficit from here on out. Boo!

It’s the 4th of July! This is my second year abroad during the 4th. I called my grandma’s house earlier. I spoke to her, my aunt and my dad. I could hear everyone else in the background and really wished I was there. My cousins and the rest of my relatives are all really great.

This morning I thought a lot more about leaving Istanbul. Honestly, I think that’s the decision I’ll most likely come to. One way flights back to NYC are really expensive during the time it’s likely I’ll need one. That sucks, but it’ll work out.

I went into work today so that I could go back to the doctor. The doctor visit went fine, but then I got sucked into time with the DoS of my school. I’m overwhelmed with this job and not sure I can put in as much time and effort as will be required to do an adequate job. I could try to coast, but I wouldn’t be able to do that to the students and not being prepared for class would be incredibly stressful. I’m not good at winging it. I’m hoping to see an improvement in teaching and my current work situation in the coming weeks, but if I don’t I’m going to bail and probably head home. I suppose I could go somewhere else first for a couple months, but we’ll see. Actually, volunteering somewhere could be pretty cool. Maybe I could find a place in Nepal or something.

I looked at 2 more places today. One I really liked and I got a great vibe from the guy who would be renting me the apartment. It’s also on a quiet street and it’s near a park – two things that would be awesome. I can walk to the metro or take buses from Besiktas. The room itself wasn’t totally great, but it had a huge bed and I think I’d find it comfortable enough. I plan to look at one more place tomorrow and then hopefully move in the afternoon. I feel like I’m kind of moving out in the middle of the night which is a bit of a dick thing to do to my current flatmate (who will be expecting me to pay rent again really soon). Unfortunately that’s just the way this is going to go. Done.

I talked to M today in NJ. I’m basically ready to go home.

I looked at another place in Sisli today. I’m not ready to call this quits. I think the place would work. I didn’t really enjoy either of the two classes that I taught today. I don’t think the students really enjoyed them, either. Nor am I convinced that either of them learned much of anything in the classes. Blergh.

It was great to talk to M. She clearly thinks I’m depressed. And, who knows, maybe I am. I’ve certainly felt that way lately. It passes, but then it generally comes again. Istanbul has been a really tough situation to put myself into so I think that’s reasonable. I’m hoping once I get everything settled with the room I can find a gym and hopefully start working out pretty regularly. I’d love to be getting a lot of exercise. There is nothing better for my mood than getting exercise. I’ll investigate that once I’ve gotten settled. If things don’t improve over the next month I’ll just bail on this place. I’d rather not do that, but it is an option.

It would be unfair of me to think, especially considering my mental history, that I’d never get depressed again. I don’t want to deny the reality of a situation, but I’m also not a great judge of things. I know there are things I can do that will help. One of them is getting more exercise and the other is moving back to the US. Both are things to consider, I suppose.

I get to get up early tomorrow. I’m not super excited about it. I mean really, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ll get up, go teach for 1.5 hours and then come home and sleep for a while before getting up and going back. Whatever. Things could be worse.

Today I thought a lot about going back home. I feel ready to pursue something more and try to find some type of employment that will fit with my likes and personality. I’m not sure what that would be, but I’ve got faith that it exists. It’s hard living abroad and being in Turkey, although an improvement from the last few places I’ve been, is still challenging for it’s own reasons. I think that will become more clear as the days go on. I realize that part of my desire to go home could easily be coming from the fact that I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with this job and I hate that feeling. It’s possible, likely even, that as I get a better handle on it I’ll really enjoy it and be glad I stayed. It’s also possible that I’ll not ever like it and that the hours will wear me down quickly. It’s too early to tell right now. My goal is to meditate more regularly like I was doing before. That should provide me with the clarity to do what I know in my heart is right. It definitely won’t hurt, anyway. Cheers to that.

Oh, I’ve also not gotten any closer to settling this issue about where to live. Tomorrow I’m going to have to get more serious about it all. I hope that the perfect place pops up soon. I’d really like to move out of this apartment and I only have a few days to get that figured out.

The perfect place is waiting…. I just have to be patient and believe that it’s going to show up.

Today was less than spectacular. I slept way too late and then felt sleepy and out of it all day long. I’ve done that several times lately. I have a really hard time moderating how much I sleep at night. A job that required me to get up in the morning would actually be pretty great right now. My current one doesn’t do that. Hmm.

I’m off to bed now. I’ll try to get up in the morning. I’m still finding it difficult to plan for my lessons and teach them well. Today I spent a lot of time considering moving back to the US and whether that would be the best thing for me to do. I then think maybe I’ll just stay here until December and then go back, but I’m not sure about that, either. Moving to Chicago in December is maybe not the best idea in the world – talk about a shock to the system that would be. I did meditate for 30 minutes today. That was really great. I haven’t been making time for that like I should be. I’m glad I got it to work this morning.