My new roommate is a cute, 22 year old Turkish guy who apparently doesn’t mind walking around in his underwear. My other roommate I haven’t met, but I think he may be passed out on the couch in the living room.

I like this apartment because it’s quiet, but I found out tonight that the door to my room doesn’t close all the way. I really want to jerk off before going to bed… I think I’ll be ok. I should be able to hear if anyone is coming down the hall or opening or closing doors.

Today was, in a word, unpleasant. I got up this morning after not getting enough sleep, quickly finished packing and then got a cab to the new apartment. I managed to make it out without seeing any of my old roommates. I wish I had told him a few weeks ago I was planning to move out. It was a total dick move on my part to just bail without giving him any notice or even saying goodbye. I did send a text once I was safely gone. It was certainly not my finest moment.

I talked to a few different people from back home tonight. After feeling slightly crazy all day I really needed to talk to some old friends. I called my good friend Chris first. It was really great talking to him. I always get a lot out of his perspective. He’s very wise. He was excited to hear that I’m thinking about moving back. I’m really ready to be done with this. I left the US over a year ago because I wanted to pursue something more in my life. I’ve done that and now I’m ready to go back for the same reason. It seems that only my parents are not excited for me in closing this chapter and moving back. I know they’re excited, but they’re also being my parents. After talking to them I spoke to Maren in NJ on skype for a while. It’s always great talking to her because she’s very level-headed and down to Earth. She gave me some good advice about how to make things work. I’m grateful to have these friends in my life.

I’m getting more concerned about my mental health. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for quite a few years. They just seemed to stop at some point after basically being with me my entire life. This evening I found myself thinking that maybe it’s time to finally off myself. I then tried to do a little google research as to what you can buy at the pharmacy for over the counter medication. I’ve done the pill popping suicide attempts in the past and it didn’t work out. I assume another try like that would end in the same way, but I was still curious and wanted to explore my options. The unfortunate thing is, when I feel that way I want to continue feeling that way. I want to revel in the depression and the poor me and the life-will-never-be-better attitude. I don’t feel that way right now. Tomorrow is going to be a new day and quite possibly a much better day. I’m excited to see what it brings. Hopefully that will include a more positive outlook on this current situation. I keep falling into this depression and then I don’t want to be here, but when I come out of it and feel like I can make something work in my life I’m usually also wanting to leave Istanbul and go back to the states so that I can pursue something more. I just feel a lot more positive about what I could possibly pursue and how that would go.

I think I should really have a conversation with the DoS at my school tomorrow and let her know that I very well might decide to go back to the US soon. It’s only fair to warn her. And really, I’ve got to leave the country before my 90 day visa is up and it would be kind of nice to travel around a bit before going back home. Or at least to enjoy Istanbul a bit more before leaving this city. For that reason, I really need to have that conversation with her. I meant to do it last week, but every time I was around her I didn’t want to bring it up. I don’t want to leave her totally high and dry though. It sounds like there are enough part-time teachers starved for hours that I think she’d be able to make things work. I should still give her some notice though.

And with that it’s time to masturbate with the door ever so slightly ajar. Blergh. Although, truth be told, I totally wouldn’t mind if my cute 22 year old Turkish roommate joined me.

I feel so much better right now than I did even an hour ago. That conversation with M helped a lot.