I have done next to nothing the last couple of days. I’m not that concerned about it, but I need to start being productive soon and looking for jobs so that I won’t have to go back to my old one. I’ve been pretty doped up on the pain medication which makes it really hard to concentrate on anything for very long. Tomorrow I’m going to try to cut back on how much of it I’m taking so I can hopefully avoid taking as many naps as I’ve taken in the last few days. It seems I’m never up for more than a couple hours before I need a nap. I’m getting frustrated with it all and am starting to feel a little stir crazy.

I keep thinking about what a dick my manager is. He scheduled a meeting with me at 3:30 pm on Thursday. I had no intention of staying that late, but did since he’d scheduled the meeting and I didn’t really have any reason to leave earlier. In the meeting he then was angry that I haven’t taken more initiative to learn more and push myself on the new team. He did admit that it’s partially his fault for not continuing to check in with me and see how things were going. I don’t really understand what he expected. I hate the job and he moved me to a new team. Did he really think I would then all of a sudden be completely engaged and transform into this superstar employee? What a dumbass. I definitely did the right thing by keeping my mouth shut. He clearly wanted me to open up more about everything and have an honest conversation about the situation, but as I’ve learned in the past 4 years at that job you can’t trust a snake and he’s definitely a snake.

My eyes keep going out of focus as I drift off. I’m so tired right now all I want to do is sleep. Hopefully I’ll make a post earlier in the day so I won’t have to go through this again tomorrow. I’m really glad to not be in the hospital any longer. Now it’s time to focus on the recovery.

I love going on rides at amusement parks. I have a special strategy I employ when I go. If the ride looks really scary, I’ll just get in line and not think about what’s going to happen once the ride starts. During the past couple months, I’ve done the same thing with this upcoming knee surgery. I know what’s going to happen – hell, I’ve even been through it once before, but I’ve tried to not focus on what my Dr is actually going to do to my knee. Now that I’m through the surgery and laying down in the hospital bed it’s hard to deny the reality of the situation: This sucks.

A (large) part of me is (incredibly) surprised I managed to make it through these past few months without getting fired at work. I’ve taken ‘fucking off at work’ to a whole new level. Thankfully, today was my last day and I survived. In a perfect world I’ll never have to sit in that shitty cubicle ever again – or any other shitty cubicle for that matter. I’m pretty determined to start living life on my own terms and supporting myself outside the horror that is the framework of corporate America. I want to travel, I want to write, and I want to live unencumbered by the societal expectations forced onto me.

My manager is a total dick and must have seen the curve in my work hours created by my leaving a little earlier every day this week. As a result that asshole scheduled a “touch point” meeting with me at 3:30 pm this afternoon. I’d not planned on staying past 3 so this was especially devastating. The meeting went alright. I was determined to not give him anything so basically agreed with his assessment that I’m a shitty worker. Granted it’s a pretty fair assessment, but there many things I wanted to say and a conversation I would have loved to have regarding all of that, but at this point it’s definitely best to leave things be. So I’m done. Tomorrow morning is surgery and then I’ll be on the other side of the knee surgeries and focused on recovering. That’s going to be great.

One more day of work. I only have 480 more minutes to suffer through. I might even tell my manager I don’t feel well and leave early tomorrow. That would most likely seal my fate on not coming back.

I was thinking today about how I’m always needing to test boundaries with other people and myself. See how far I can push someone or myself until something breaks. The unfortunate thing is, once something does break you’re kind of screwed. I’ve been doing that with my manager lately – intentionally pissing him off to see how much he’ll put up with. I need to not go back to that job. I’m certain if I do I won’t last very long before I’m fired.

I met this guy for coffee after work. We’d been chatting through an app for a couple days. We met at a coffee place just a couple blocks from my house. Before meeting him I had no intention of having him over, but these things happen. My apartment was super messy – like always. I had him over anyway. We made out on my couch, but things didn’t go further than that. I have been really craving human contact. Not really sex, but rather just the feeling of someone else’s hands touching me. A connection of some sort. Sex is nice, but I want more than to just get off. I would see him again, but the knee surgery definitely complicates things. I won’t be having sex for quite a while or probably even having anyone over like that. It’s not nearly as much fun making out on the couch with a fucked up knee. We’ll see I guess.

On an unrelated, but super awesome side note, I have 960 more minutes to work. Then I’m done. Yay!

I just realized this morning that it totally slipped my mind to make an update last night before going to bed. I was really tired and out of it last night when I got home. I had also told my brother I would give him a call when I got home and completely forgot. Mel, Liz and I went out to Maple Grove and bought a few stones. While we were there I got this really strange feeling in my stomach that I didn’t recognize. It almost felt like a ball of energy inside of me. It made me kind of nervous. I did not mention this to Liz or Mel.

This weekend was absolutely jam packed, but it was so awesome. The weather was beautiful and the time I got to spend with friends absolutely cherished. I couldn’t have asked for a better final weekend before I lose my mobility, again.

I’m so excited to move on with my life and finally realize my potential. Chicago here I come! There’s work to be done before I make that a reality, but I’m ready and capable to do that work. 4 more days this week and then I’m free. Free for good.

I feel like I’ve been loaded into a slingshot and for the past few months have just been cocked back waiting to explode. It’s nearly that time.

I feel like I spent my late teens and early twenties collecting afflictions, while my late twenties were spent divesting myself of them. It was a tremendous amount of work.

I had an absolutely fantastic day. I couldn’t have asked, or planned, for a better day. I seem to be having a lot of good days lately. Not ‘wow it feels like I just won the lottery’ kind of days, but rather ones in which I feel a contentment reaching down to my soul. It’s been wonderful. I’ve never felt like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing and that my life is headed exactly where I want it to go before now. All I need to do is keep doing what I’m doing – which requires quite a bit of work, but if I do I’ll get to where I want to be. Unlike the insidious afflictions I spent so much time collecting and solidifying as part of my life, I now actively seek out things to better myself and my situation. I’ve been able to break the self-destructive cycle that had me completely entrenched and kept me sick. I’m staring down some major changes in my life and I’m ready for them. I’m ready to see what the next phase is going to be and where it takes me. I’m excited to discover what the universe and my higher power have in store for me. I have a feeling it’s going to be an unforgettable ride.

I’ve been updating this site for just under 4 weeks now. The updates didn’t get the focus I’d have liked to give them while I was out East since I was tired and writing them on my phone. Now that I’m going to be spending a lot of time laid up, my goal is to start reflecting more on the past and projecting out to the future.

I think I was about 23 when I decided to start meeting with a therapist again. Previous experiences with them had always been short lived, but my life was beyond unmanageable so I needed to try something. I’d definitely say I was living in crisis mode and simply trying to make it through the day. From past experiences with therapists I knew I was best off walking in and laying it all on the table from the start, which is exactly what I did. In the very first session I admitted I was an active alcoholic, that I’d been suffering from bulimia for the past ten years and was currently binging and purging on copious amounts of food up to 5 times a day, and that I’d been diagnosed as bipolar just a few years earlier and the experience had basically destroyed me. I also told her I am gay.

In that first session she asked me to imagine life a year in the future. If I could be doing anything I wanted with my life what would that look like? If I wrote her a postcard in a year to let her know how things were going, what would it say? I couldn’t answer the question. I had no hope for the future and it wasn’t just that I couldn’t verbalize hopes and dreams I had, it was that I wasn’t able to even have them. Looking back at that now I realize how utterly devastated I was at that point. At the time it didn’t seem like it was a big deal.

I have hopes and dreams now. Things I want to accomplish in this lifetime and that I’m working towards. Many of them are still taking shape and changing as I learn more about myself and where I want my life to go, but the forward momentum continues to push me towards that end.

Fran and Jeff are in town so a bunch of us went to eat at Manny’s.  It was really great and so much fun to spend the night around great friends eating and being merry.  

I got paid today and I’m totally broke.  My paycheck wasn’t even enough to cover the credit card payment and rent that I have to pay.  This situation is stressing me out.  I’m sure it’ll get worked out, but I really need to cut back on spending money. It’s kind of hard to do knowing I’ll be on crutches again soon. I want to go out and be with friends and not worry about it.  And then I spend $75 I don’t have on dinner at Manny’s.  Blergh.