I’m so glad the election is over and that Obama won. The marriage amendment in MN hasn’t been called yet, but it looks like that is going to fail which is awesome. Now we can hopefully put all of this election crap behind us. I’m so sick of hearing about it and hope to never see Mitt Romney’s sneer ever again.

I’m also seeing my Dr tomorrow for the first time since my surgery. I’m concerned that things aren’t right with my left knee. She replaced the screws when she did the right knee a month ago, but it hurts way more than I would have expected. I guess I’ll see what she has to say about it tomorrow.

I had a busy day with voting and everything else. I also made it to a meeting I haven’t been to in several weeks. It was really nice to be there and I got some great feedback from people. I’m excited to finally go to bed. I keep forgetting that since we set the clocks back it’s really almost 3 am right now. No wonder I feel so tired.

Tomorrow I have to do a better job of trying to stay sane throughout the day. I’ve basically failed today. I went to a coffee shop earlier to get out of the house to read for a little while before going to a meeting I sometimes attend on Monday nights. Due to a combination of the tea, which ended up getting burnt, and the narcotics I’d taken before starting my journey, I felt nauseous and gross. I sat and debated skipping the meeting and just going home, but decided to go to the meeting anyway. It’s really the only meeting I can get to on my own right now because it’s within hobbling distance of my apartment. So I went to the meeting not realizing until I sat down how fucked up I was. I think being in a meeting magnifies those feelings, but I sat down and just felt high. It was not a fun experience. I don’t mind that feeling when I’m around people I know really well. I don’t mind that feeling when I go to a movie and am able to just sit and watch. To be honest, sometimes I like that feeling of being high the narcotics give me. Sometimes I like it a lot. But, if there is one thing I hate, it’s feeling that way at a meeting of alcoholics or narcotics anonymous. Thankfully I was able to just sit and listen throughout the meeting. Despite that, it was still tough to make it through the meeting and I probably would have left early if it hadn’t gotten really full and my path to the door too tricky to navigate on crutches while the meeting was going on. I do not want to have that experience again. I still feel kind of nauseous right now actually and I haven’t had any of the narcotics since I left for the coffee shop this evening.

I can’t say the rest of the evening has been much better. I’ve sat around inside and played my stupid online game all night. My brain feels fried from another day spending too much time on my computer and not really doing anything of value all day. I didn’t look for jobs, I didn’t look into anything regarding Chicago or my (hopefully) imminent move there. I wasted most of the day and feel gross now because of it. I’m excited to vote tomorrow and finally have the election over. I really hope the election goes well and that Obama wins, the marriage amendment fails in MN and that Prop 37 in California passes. All 3 would be awesome, but the likelihood of all of those things happening is pretty bad.

I realized after looking at the calendar on my phone earlier how little I have going on this week. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and physical therapy on Thursday, but aside from that I don’t have much planned for the week. It’ll be nice to be able to sleep in and take it easy. I did apply for some jobs yesterday and hopefully will continue applying for more this coming week. I can’t believe that tomorrow is the start of my 5th week away from work. It doesn’t feel like it’s been nearly that long, nor do I feel like I’ve been nearly as productive as I’d hoped I’d be.

It’ll be nice to see my doctor and great to start getting some more freedoms. Hopefully I can start using my exercise bike at home again soon. I’d love to be able to start driving again, too, but that’s probably further down the road. I guess we’ll see. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll tell me I can start driving again.

I realized after laying down in bed last night I hadn’t updated anything. All I really wanted to do at that point was sleep… So here’s an after the fact update to make sure I get every day covered. Not too exciting, but meh.

My brain feels fried. This is a normal side effect of a day spent on the couch surfing the internet with the TV on. For some reason this doesn’t seem to happen to me in my apartment in the cities, but it does when I’m at my parents house. I’ve spent most of my time researching things in Thailand and trying to figure out if I can make that work. I realized I could probably teach english as a way to afford living there – or perhaps teach part time as a way to offset some living expenses. The more I think about the idea, though, the more it feels like I’m just kicking the can down the road and using this as an escape because I don’t want to find a new job or find something I find more suitable. Eventually I’ll probably have to, which sucks. Maybe I’d be better off just sucking it up and really searching for jobs and trying to find something in Chicago. I like the idea of having time to just exist, write and explore, but if it’s just putting off finding something more meaningful I’d probably be better off not going. On a positive note, it sounds like if you want to teach in Thailand it’s best to just head there with your resume in hand and actively start job searching once you’re there. I think my best bet would be to get everything in order to escape to Thailand – like get a background check I might need to work there and apply for whatever visa I’d need, as well as really job searching in Chicago and seeing if I can make something work out there. I guess we’ll see if I get any added much needed motivation in the coming days, or if I continue to use my days in less than ideal (and productive) ways. I know I don’t want to feel like this for too many more days, but I’m going to be here tomorrow and then headed back to the cities on Sunday.

I sometimes find it hard to vocalize things I want – especially when there is a high chance of failure. The last couple of days I’ve felt like creating some drawings and have spent hours doodling with black and red pens. I really like the two pictures I’ve completed. I like them a lot, actually. I taped them both on my wall above my bed last night when I went to sleep and this morning had the crazy idea that perhaps I could try and sell them online. I know websites like etsy and others allow people to sell art they’ve created. I figure I’d might as well give it a try. I’m not sure what the right price would be, but I can mull that over. I’m guessing I spent about 2 hours working on the less complicated one and probably 5 on the more complicated one. I enjoyed drawing them, but would probably want to average at least $10 an hour to make me feel like I was getting a return on the time I’m investing in them. Unfortunately, I’m really not sure that they are worth $20 and $50 respectively. I also realize that just as I’m bad at vocalizing things, I’m great at undervaluing my positive qualities and in this case my artwork. Even if I could sell them for a price that would equate to around $10/hr, I am certain I wouldn’t find demand enough to sell an unlimited quantity of them. In addition to that, I’m certain if I was trying to support myself by creating this art after not long I’d find drawing to be just as oppressive as the cubicle I hate spending time in. It’s just a matter of time. The thought I have had, and although this is not probably as realistic as I would like, is that if there was some demand and I could sell some of them online I could maybe bring in enough money every month to fund living abroad. Provided I found a much cheaper place to live where I could leverage the dollar. I saw a one way ticket to Thailand in early January is about $900. My new goal is to create 10 of these drawings and sketches and put them online priced at what I think is fair and see if any of them sell. If I’m able to start selling a few of them here and there maybe in a couple months I’ll be selling enough that I could go abroad for a while and use this as a way to have a little bit of income. I’m pretty sure I could sell my car for at least some more than I owe on it which I could also put towards an extended trip abroad. If I had a few thousand dollars in my bank account when I started and I used this as a way to stave off the draining of that money it’s possible I’d be able to live for a year somewhere else. It would be a great experience. An adventure, really. One I’d love to have. I could also use the time away to write and perhaps see a return in some regard from that. So the goal for this coming week is to create more drawings and get them listed. Oh, and I should probably apply for some real jobs in Chicago, too. Blergh.

I seem to be at a point in my physical recovery from this knee surgery where I like to get out everyday and go somewhere, but it usually wipes me out for about the rest of the day. Today I went and got my hair cut and then took a bus to ragstock to look at Halloween costumes. I decided not to buy one because I wasn’t convinced I’d have the energy to put it on and go anywhere tonight. I ended up staying in so I’m glad that I didn’t buy a costume. Tomorrow I’ve got physical therapy and then an acupuncture appointment so that will be my outing tomorrow. I’m also getting picked up by my mother in the evening and going to my parents’ house through the weekend. It’ll be nice to get out of my apartment and be around other people for a few more days.

I can’t seem to get the idea of going abroad for an unspecified amount of time out of my head. I saw that one way tickets to Thailand in January would cost around $900. I desperately wish I had some savings I could use and just live and travel through SE Asia for about a year. Unfortunately, aside from cashing out my 401k (which I realize is a horrible idea), I don’t have any way to make that a reality. It feels like right now would be a pretty great time to take a year and go and do it considering that I’m unencumbered with so many things. My job situation is in transition and changing, I don’t own a house or have a mortgage, I’m not in a relationship, etc. I guess we’ll see if some way to make it work out pops up sometime soon……….

I spent most of my free time today doodling. Drawing these little pen drawings that I have been craving making for a few days now. I’m not normally a person who draws, but it’s fun to do something different every now and then. Unfortunately this is not going to get me any closer to finding a job in Chicago. Actually, now that I think about it, nothing I’ve been doing in the past few weeks is going to get me any closer to finding a job in Chicago. I really need to change that soon. I’m going to need a job to move to Chicago so that I can support myself. It’s definitely time to suck it up and start applying for them. I just wish I could find something that doesn’t look, well, soul-crushing. I have a feeling that’s probably not going to happen though. It’s definitely time to just bite the bullet and find anything that will work. Fuck! I want to spend my time doodling and making things out of rhinestones to give to friends. I don’t want to spend my time looking for jobs in the financial services sector that I know I’ll hate before I even begin. I need to do a total 180 on my career at this point and I’m willing to do that, I just don’t know where to go with it all or how I would support myself in another way. I feel like if there are people who are able to do something more meaningful and support themselves without having to work a job they hate I should be able to figure out how to do that too. I’m smart enough that I should really be able to make that a reality if I just try. Hopefully I’ll be able to.

I went to an open mic comedy show tonight. It was fun. I asked for time next week so I’ll be going on stage. I’m looking forward to it. I haven’t been on stage since July when I performed in a contest at a comedy club in town. Doing stand up comedy is something I’d like to get better at. I don’t necessarily consider myself a performer, but being on stage in front of people is something I’d like to get more comfortable doing. It’s also something I feel like I could do pretty well at if I practice. I’m a naturally pretty funny person. I most like watching the comedians who are having fun on stage and I’d like to get myself to that point. Ideally I’d start doing more open mics since I have so much free time at this point, but one thing at a time. We’ll see where the comedy stuff goes.

I’ve also been having urges to draw and doodle lately. I drew for a little while last night and went out and bought some more pens today I can draw with. I can’t draw people or things at all and make them look realistic, but I like drawing patterns so I plan on spending more time doing that. The only other time I really had much desire to draw was about 10 years ago when I was manic. It calmed me down a lot at the time to just sit and focus on creating a pattern, but after the manic episodes never went back to it. It reminded me too much of that time to continue.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with one certain friend lately. I really appreciate all of the help she’s been giving me. Since I can’t drive right now it’s been great that she’s willing to pick me up, take me places and get me out of my apartment, but I’m also feeling like I need a little break from her. If I spend too much time with someone they start to get on my nerves and I’m starting to feel that way. As much as I appreciate all the help, I also feel that I could use a little space for a bit. I kind of feel like going to my parents for a couple days to get out of the twin cities and my apartment. I could use a break from this space. I’ve been back for over 2 weeks now and a change of scenery would be appreciated.

I want to be a writer. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s been on my mind more lately so I guess it’s worth repeating. I’ve had this idea that it would be really awesome to fly somewhere like Thailand or Indonesia and explore and travel, but also write and just live. If I could leverage the dollar and live on $1000/month (I’m not sure if that’s possible or not) I could live somewhere for a year on not that much money. That would give me time to do something creative – like try writing a book. Or writing something. I realize I could write a book here, but the idea of being far away and in an exotic place really appeals to me. I’ve sort of just thrown that out into the ether and if I get the opportunity to make it a reality at some point I’m going to jump at it. If not, oh well. We’ll see if it ever pans out. I’ve been thinking about it more lately. Most likely because everything in the near future is pretty up in the air. I’m not really sure what I’ll be doing for work in a few months or where I’ll be living. I hope it’s Chicago, but there’s a lot of things that need to happen before that. One of which is finding a job in Chicago. That’s going to be the focus of this week. Searching and applying for jobs in Chicago.