I submitted my Norway video today! I really do feel it does a great job capturing my soul and portraying who I am. I sent the casting director an email after submitting it asking her to take a look and let me know if I should add anything. I’m hoping to hear back from her tomorrow. Ideally telling me it’s perfect.

So I’ve had a friend crashing with me for the past few days. He relapsed and got kicked out of his halfway house so I told him he could stay here for a while. He got back here last night pretty late and was clearly intoxicated. He woke up this morning about the same time I did and immediately left so I didn’t really get an opportunity to talk to him. I was hoping to catch up to him at some point today, but he didn’t come back to my apartment until around midnight. I had run to the store and was talking to a friend when I got back so I just went into my room to continue the conversation and he went to bed. Even if it’s over text, I plan on letting him know tomorrow that if he comes back here drunk again he’s going to need to find a new place to crash. I told him before he started staying here that I expected him to be sober and I don’t feel bad about telling him he can’t stay here any longer if he’s not going to abide by that. I assume he was drinking again tonight. It makes me really sad because he’s a really great guy. Funny as hell and I really want him to get this. It’s exhausting watching him come to Minnesota for treatment and eventually relapsing and going back East where he is from. I can’t and don’t want to do it anymore. I wish I knew what it is he needs in order to get it. I realize I don’t have any control over this situation, but I still just really wish he would get it. I think at this point I just need to let him go and figure things out on his own. I’d do anything to help him. The other problem is that he lies to me. I don’t know what I can believe that he tells me, which is probably not very much. As far as I know he’s not being honest with himself or other people. He’s not asking for help when he needs it and there’s really not a damn thing I can do to fix that.

Gratitude List:
Sobriety.
Future Adventures.
My wonderful parents.

This has been on my mind all day:

Every summer growing up my parents used to pack my brothers and me up and drive us to Northern Minnesota. My mom’s side of the family has this rustic cabin on a river that leads into a huge national park and a chain of large lakes. It’s my favorite place on earth. Since it’s a national park there are no houses or cabins on the lake. The lake has a ton of islands to explore, pine trees everywhere and a lot of rock outcroppings. It’s stunningly beautiful. We went up basically every summer until I was about 21 years old. The summer I was 21 and we went up there was one of the worst times of my life. We didn’t go back for 7-8 years after that. A few years ago I rallied and we planned a trip for the entire family to go back. It was awesome. I feel such a connection to nature and just being able to explore and relax for a few days, especially in a place with so much family history.

I was sober the first summer we went back. I had been sober for over a year and things were starting to change. I was also using Facebook and this stupid app called grindr on my phone. I liked taking pictures of myself to upload to Facebook or use as a new grindr profile. We went and stopped on this part of the lake we often went to swim. I decided to go wander through the woods for a little while and see what I could find. After not long I came upon this really beautiful stream that emptied into the lake. I decided to take a couple pictures of myself and see if I could get a good one. I knelt down to take a picture with the stream in the background and the sun reflecting off the lake onto my face. After taking a couple pictures I looked through them. I came upon one that absolutely shocked me; I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was a great picture. I looked really good in it, but that’s not what I really loved about it. There was a light in my eyes that had been vacant for so long. My smile spoke to a contentment, a happiness I hadn’t felt in so many years. It was such a genuine, authentic smile that showed this emotion I knew I once had, but had lost over 10-15 years ago. I wasn’t faking it. I wasn’t hiding behind humor. I was feeling and expressing a true emotion that wasn’t contrived like all the smiles had been for so long. I couldn’t believe the man in the picture was actually me. It felt great.

I remember getting scared that something would happen to that picture before I had cell service again and could email it to myself or before I could upload it onto my computer. I kept looking at it in disbelief and not wanting to let go. Needing that picture to be a beacon of hope that I’d be able to dig myself out of the hole I’d dug, at least eventually. I ended up using the picture as my Facebook profile pic. I also used it for grindr and it got me a ton of dates. Like, a ton of dates.

In time I realized that losing the actual picture, the documentation that I could be happy, wasn’t as big of a deal. I was changing and becoming a new person. The picture was just the first time I’d noticed the change in myself. The first real evidence of what was going on. I recently had a similar experience. I made a video for the reality tv show I’m trying to get cast in. I sat myself in front of a camera on my couch and taped myself for a few minutes to give the producers a better idea of the person I am. I spoke honestly and openly from my heart. After taping it, I watched the video and could hardly believe my eyes. I’ve felt a lot of changes inside me over the last couple months, but again this was concrete evidence of those changes. Before I could only see the change, but now I could hear and see it. This really heralds in a new era for me. A time of tremendous personal growth. I’ve finally found my voice and have a depth to myself I didn’t have for so long – or didn’t have access to. I’m going to reach for the stars and I’ll be damned if I don’t touch them during this lifetime.

So I got a call from the disability insurance lady today. They have decided not to extend my claim at this point. I was really pissed off about it earlier. I definitely need that money. I plan on filing a complaint with the MN attorney general within the next couple of days. Hopefully I can get it extended if I really push for it.

I then heard about the shooting in Connecticut. It really puts things in perspective. What seemed like such a big deal in my life is, in reality, such an insignificant event. There are so many people as a result of that shooting who are having a much, much worse day than mine. My heart feels heavy just thinking about it. I can’t imagine the pain of those who lost a loved one, or even that of the ones that survived. I hope that someday soon we can have an honest discussion around gun control. Tragedies like the one today simply shouldn’t happen. I feel that we, as a society, need to do what needs to be done to put an end to them.

I remember the Columbine shooting. I’m not sure if the shootings weren’t happening before Columbine, or if I just wasn’t paying attention to them before then. I left school early that day and went home and watched the coverage on TV. I remember seeing some of the kids jump out of a window to escape the shooting and feeling such a sense of despair, and loss, that someone could do such a thing to others. Now it seems like there is never a significant length of time in between the shootings. Virginia Tech, Gabby Giffords, Aurora, Connecticut, etc. It just breaks my heart. Are we becoming desensitized to them? Seeing them in the news, but always somewhere much further away than our own place and time. Such unneeded bloodshed. How many lives were affected today? We know how many were lost, but will we ever truly be able to measure the full loss from such an event? The deep, personal struggle so many will now have to overcome?

I feel like republicans can’t leave the abortion topic alone. Constantly fighting, constantly pushing, constantly trying to change something so many of us believe is none of their damn business, but when it comes to gun control the democrats just leave it alone. Yet republicans feel like their right to bear arms is constantly under siege by liberals. Is it? My understanding is that there are no major moves to restrict or prohibit the right be bear arms. Admittedly, it’s something that could be happening that I’m just not aware of at this point, although I really don’t think it is. At least not the way republicans continue to fight against the right of women to exert their own free will over their own bodies. Perhaps it’s time we change that. I realize changing something written into the constitution is a major undertaking, but how many more need to die before something is done?

Things just felt like too much today. Everything, especially in regards to the future, is so unclear. I’m ok with that. I don’t mind just seeing how the chips fall and taking things from there. I’m embracing that uncertainty. I can deal with that uncertainty. Norway, Thailand, New Jersey, wherever I’m headed, it’ll be great and I’m sure I’ll love it. What I’m having a much harder time dealing with right now are the more immediate, and pressing, aspects of my life. Chief among them is this money issue. I found out about 2 weeks ago that I wasn’t going to be getting any more disability money. I decided to send some updated documents to see if I could get it extended. I’ve now been working for 2 weeks to get these documents submitted and to get the disability insurance people to process everything. I should find out tomorrow what they’ve decided. It’s such a struggle not being able to pay bills and feeling like I absolutely can’t go out and do anything because I simply can’t afford to. I still get out, but anything that involves spending money is hard to do.

I also saw my physical therapist earlier today. That went about as I expected. I can’t do many exercises with my knee as it is now because nearly everything we try aggravates it. I’m trying to keep from aggravating it as much as possible so that it will hopefully heal faster. It’s a really frustrating situation to be in. He also brought up the idea that it’s possible the results just aren’t going to be what I’d hoped for. I’m convinced it’s the screws that are causing the pain I have now and getting them taken out should alleviate that. I have to wonder if he didn’t read something in my doctor’s notes from my last visit that didn’t make him think otherwise. I’m pretty sure my doctor wouldn’t come out and tell me if there was a big problem with my knee or major red flags until she was more certain. At this point I just have to wait it out until I see her again in mid January. That means I have over a month of sitting around and not doing anything and who knows how long after that. I remember when I first started having knee problems a few years ago. I went to a physical therapist for a while and they told me I’d have to wait until I’d been pain free for about 2 weeks before I could start exercising again. She must have seen the look of horror on my face at that point and immediately tried to console me. 2 weeks seemed like an eternity to not exercise. And now here I am. I’ve spent 4 months on crutches this year. I currently can’t exercise at all doing anything that involves my knee and it’s unclear if I will ever really be able to again. This situation sucks and only seems to be getting worse. I hope everything turns out well and I really think it will. I just have to give it time.

Gratitude List:
I’m grateful to have a sponsor.
I’m grateful for a new meeting that I like.
I’m grateful to be getting out of MN for a while in not too long.

I bought a groupon for this mosaic class a while ago. I finally used it tonight. It was really fun! I could see myself really getting into making things like that with tile. There are a million different designs you could come up with and so many different possibilities. I’m really glad I decided to do that and finally used my groupon.

I also started taping the video I plan on submitting for the Norway reality tv show. I know that a lot of what they’re looking for is personality and energy. The portions I taped today were alright, but I need to get more into it and bring more energy to the camera. I know I can do it, I just have to get out of my comfort zone. I’m planning on taping the segment in front of my old work again on Sunday. There were so many cars driving by it was difficult to hear what I was saying. On Sunday there should be much less traffic and fewer people around so it’ll be easier to get into. The segments that we did get taped weren’t bad or anything, I just know that I can do better. I’d love to go to Norway and it would be such a great adventure. I need to submit something that accurately reflects my personality and makes them want to know more about me.

I really want to have plastic surgery. Like really, really want to have it. I was heavier growing up – at times significantly heavier. When I did lose weight I also lost it in the least healthy way possible with my eating disorder. As a result, I could desperately use a tummy tuck. I’ve tried everything to get myself to an acceptable place, but it’s simply not possible to do with diet and exercise. At times in the past I’ve done upwards of 2 hours of hard cardio a day and it simply doesn’t work. At one point I conned my work out buddy into being a part of ‘Project Unicorn.’ It was basically my goal of hitting 250 lbs by working out, which in itself is pretty ludicrous. I’m not even sure gaining that much muscle would even solve my problems. I know the more I fill out the better I’ll like how I look, at least in terms of all this extra skin. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even give ‘Project Unicorn’ a great go because of my knees. Maybe someday I’ll be able to try again and actually get somewhere with it.

I’ve been to several plastic surgeons around Mpls trying to figure out how to make this happen. The first one quoted me nearly $10k which is way more than I could afford. I went to another one about 6 months later and he said he could do it for just under $8k, which is still more than I can afford, but a little more realistic. The third surgeon came back at just over $7k, but I decided I liked the second guy best and planned on going through with it with him as soon as I could financially afford to put that amount of money onto a credit card and still be able to make the payments – because that makes sense. As it turns out, that’s not going to be anytime soon because I’m not working now. I’m now debating doing it in Thailand. I plan on starting out in Bangkok and it’s possible it’ll be the first thing I do when I get there. I assume I could do it for a fraction of the cost of doing it here. I don’t think it’s a great idea, but I’m desperate and simply can’t afford to do it here. It definitely doesn’t help at all that I’m also not working out right now. I have stayed about the same weight as I was before surgery, but my body composition has definitely changed. I don’t like it at all. I guess we’ll see what I decide to do with that. On the one hand I really don’t want to fly to Thailand, have a pretty big surgery and be laid up for a while and have to do a lot of recovery. I’d much rather do it here and get everything in order before going over there, but that really doesn’t look like it’s in the cards. It’s something I definitely plan on doing. It’s just a matter of when. I hate that I spend all of this time in the gym working out and eating (for the most part) in a really healthy manner. I hate that I can’t get my body to reflect that. It drives me absolutely crazy. At least I’m not going to the gym right now. If I was going I’d be crazy about getting this done sooner rather than later. Not having the pressure the gym puts on me is great, but this is still something I think about every day. I think about how much more I’ll like my body and how I look afterwards. How much more confident I’ll be in my every day life. It’s not quite an obsession, but it’s bordering on that. My mind usually always needs something to obsess about. Be it how much I’m eating, sleeping, drinking or using drugs, what my mood is doing or how much I’m exercising. Something is generally needed. It’s not as bad as it was before, but it’s still something that happens.

I know I’m good looking, desirable even, but whenever I look in the mirror I see more about how I look that I hate than anything I like. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me. Ever. I realize this is kind of nuts because there are plenty of guys who would like to have sex with me, I just can’t imagine why. Because of this I find it really hard to jump in bed with anyone. I’m horny, nearly all the time. Sex is on my mind, a lot. I wish I had more of it and had an easier time with it. As things stand now, I usually wait until I feel crazy and then still can’t seem to make anything happen. I think if I had a friends with benefits situation that would be great. Hmm, maybe I can get that to happen sometime soon. Perhaps NJ boy I’ve been chatting with would be amenable to that. He’s a cutie and I get the impression he’s horny a lot like me, just very shy and reserved with it all.

I’ve been thinking about success lately. Or, more specifically, how I’m going to measure it in regard to my life. There was a time, not that long ago, where I really thought it would be measured by my job title, the amount of money I had, the size of my house or what kind of car I drove. After spending so many years in a cubicle job that I loathed working down to the core of my being, I’ve learned a few things. The first is that I’ll never excel doing something I hate. I’ll never move up or get promoted because I’m not able to put the amount of energy into a job required to do so. I used to think that just being smarter than my coworkers would count for something and allow me to move around, but it clearly takes at least a modicum of interest in addition to ability. I simply didn’t have that interest in my last position. The second thing that has become clear is that it’s not the material things I’ll use to measure success. It’s going to be the experiences I’ve been able to provide myself, the people I’ve helped, and the change I’ve effected. I really believe the most satisfying work I’ll find for myself will be helping people in some way. Be it with their own lives, or perhaps just a laugh to get them through the day.

A friend of mine is staying with me now. Tonight is the first night he’s staying in my apartment. It’s nice. I like having someone around to just bullshit with and watch tv before going to bed. He’s also basically the most funny person I’ve ever met. We just laugh and laugh when we are together. We’re able to play off each other really well. I hope things turn out well for him. I really do.

I talked to Chelsea from my doctor’s office today. She’s going to get the forms faxed over to the disability insurance people tomorrow. I’m really hoping to get that all worked out soon. Hopefully in my favor.

I stumbled upon a new singer/songwriter yesterday and downloaded a few of her albums today. Her name is Lana Del Rey and her music is fantastic. It’s got a depth and emotional honesty to it that really speaks to me. I haven’t run across an artist quite like her in a long time. It reminds me of when I first discovered Alanis. It just really speaks to me. Someday I want to be able to express myself really well. I think as long as I work at it I’ll get there. I guess that’s what I’m doing with this writing experiment.

I got together with my cousin and his girlfriend for dinner tonight. They are both really cool people. Fun to be around with a great sense of humor. It was wonderful to eat dinner and just catch up. Talk about future travel plans and life in general. I’m really glad I can do that sort of thing with them.

Gratitude List:
Possibility of money coming in again.
Miso Bearnaise sauce.
Power naps on the couch.

I left inpatient treatment for the second time in May of 2009. The hopelessness I felt at that point was beyond unbearable. I’ve never been one to journal, but for about a month after leaving treatment I did. I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself. I went gun shopping. I’m really grateful I’m not living in that anymore. I only read 2 different days of what I wrote, but there was one quote from the second day that sums up basically how I felt. It went:

I can’t stand to be me for even a moment longer. A lifetime would be unbearable.

It’s remarkable how much I hated myself. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. It’s truly a gift that I don’t think about killing myself anymore. A gift I’m grateful to have received.

Gratitude List:
Moving forward in life.
Bacon.
Arts and Crafts projects.

Everything is changing very quickly, yet I feel like I’m standing still. I have a lot of preparation to do in the coming weeks. There are so many things I want to make. There’s just not enough time in the day. Admittedly, I’m having some problems just sitting down and working on the things I need to get done. It’s actually kind of nice I’m utterly broke right now. It’s been a deterrent to going out and doing things. If I spend more time at home, theoretically I’d be able to get more accomplished and be better prepared for the coming months. Theoretically. I also got a nice little surprise earlier tonight. I logged into my bank website to see when the credit card payment I’m probably not going to be able to make is due and noticed that my former employer had direct deposited $37 in my account. I’m now ten times wealthier than I was just a couple days ago. Yay! In all seriousness though, it’s great that I’ll be able to go to the bank and get a little bit of cash. I’ve only had a couple bucks lately and I can stretch the $40 I now have in my checking account pretty far if I’m just careful about my spending. I’ll be running in there on Monday. Oh, maybe I’ll run into the cute, young (married) guy when I do.

Gratitude List:
Fun times laughing with Dave.
The British Arrow Awards at the Walker Museum.
Sleeping in on a cold, snowy morning.

“If I didn’t want to be disappointed by men, I’d stop meeting them. Someday I’ll learn.”

I really expressed this sentiment to someone tonight. I had a frustrating experience with him and pretty quickly adopted an old pattern of thinking – basically that I won’t ever find anyone, I’m better off alone and should cut out any hope of having a romantic relationship so as to avoid any more pain.

I sent an email to a woman today I met a couple weeks ago. It expresses what I’ve been feeling and what’s become clear the last few days pretty well. Here it is:

Hi ________,

P.S. I read a blurb about you on the bulletin board at Hazelden. The final sentence said something about helping people who want to help themselves. It’s taken me a long time to get here, but I’m grateful I can finally ask for help when I need it. I started working with a sponsor recently as well. For the past few years I haven’t and it’s a lot harder doing it alone.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I’m really good at doing at this point is sending really long emails to people who really don’t even know me that well. Some of them do I guess. There should be a word for what I’m doing – like email terrorist over sharer. Ok, not that. I’ll have to think about it and come up with something clever.

Gratitude List:
Snow falling outside my window while I have nowhere to go.
People who are kind enough to give me their time and help while asking nothing in return.
A future full of endless possibilities.