Hi mom,

PS on second thought maybe you shouldn’t come and visit. There are quite a few adorable, well fed looking cats wandering around this city. I’m concerned you’d walk around it collecting them and taking them all home. I know how it is with you and adopting cats. 🙂

Going to get a head start on the post today. When I get off the flight it’ll be tomorrow… And I’ll be in Istanbul! Yay!

Hi _____!

Andrew

Gratitude List:
All of the people who have helped me become the person I am today and all the others who will help me become the person I’ll be tomorrow.
Living life to the fullest.
Conquering my fears.

Today was a pretty monumental day. It’s been filled with a tremendous amount of excitement and one monumental breakdown. I guess you take the good with the bad, right?

While playing around online this morning and looking for trips I could take I found a flight to Istanbul that was very reasonably priced. I hemmed and hawed for a little while knowing this was not a financially savvy decision on my part, but in the end decided I could make it work and I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of this situation. So I did. I’m flying to Istanbul tomorrow and will return on 2/21. I can’t wait! It’s going to be so much fun and such an amazing adventure. I don’t have my sketch writing class next Monday so I have the time to go. Plus, I found out I’m getting $1200 back for my tax returns. I’d much rather spend money on experiences than stuff. B is going to try to get a flight out in a few days, too, so hopefully we can spend some time exploring Istanbul together. I’d love nothing more than to share this experience with him.

The breakdown came later on in the day. I decided that as a courtesy to my parents I should really let them know I’m going. I’m 30 years old and don’t need to ask permission, but I figure they deserve a heads up if I’m going to be flying 5000 miles away. I called my mom and tried to pitch it as a fun adventure I’m lucky to have. She blew up. I lost my cool and ended the conversation. My father called. My parents have decided that I’m (literally) crazy (again). And that they’re going to need to pick up the pieces when it falls apart, like they’ve always had to do with me and both of my brothers.

I get it. I really do. I understand where they are coming from. My parents have had to endure more pain because of the actions my brothers and I have taken than any parent should ever have to endure. And I’m sorry for that. I truly am. It’s unfair to them. They are kind and loving parents. They deserve to have successful, well adjusted children. And someday they will. What I think they sometimes fail to realize is the pain we, as their children, have endured. Not because of them, but because of the circumstances this life has borne unto us. My brothers and I have not had it easy. And we deserve to grow, to flourish as independent adults and to live our lives the way we see fit. Without judgment. It’s time they allow us to grow out of these roles. It’s time we all move on. I hope the conversations I had today can be a catalyst for that change. An opportunity for my parents to change the lens through which they view my brothers and me, their children. It’s really not serving anyone well at this point.

I have worked my motherfucking ass off to get to where I am today. And by all accounts, I shouldn’t be here. The number of times I overdosed on pills and booze, drove drunk (or in a blackout), took a razor to my wrist, contemplated blowing my head off with a shotgun or tried to destroy myself from the inside out by not eating will remain a remarkable testament to the fact that I literally SHOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY. Yet, somehow, I am. By the grace of God I survived a self destructive phase that should have killed me. I’m convinced I have an angel watching over me and the only reason I’m here today is to make a positive difference in the world around me. To help people in some way. I’m also convinced it’s my life mission to realize this goal. I owe it to the world. To the people I did, or could, have hurt with my actions.

My parents mean the world to me. Given the opportunity, I’d never do anything to hurt them. Ever. Unfortunately, I can’t structure my life in a way that will avoid causing them any stress. It’s not fair to me.

2.15.13 will mark one year since I quit taking any psychotropic medication. Considering at the height of it I was taking 3 mood stabilizers, 1 antidepressant and 2 benzos to manage my “bipolar” disorder this is a major achievement. This last year has presented me with a tremendous number of challenges and new opportunities – major surgery on both of my knees, leaving a job I hated and moving out East, etc, but it’s also been the best year of my life. I no longer hate myself down to the very core of my being. Actually, I rather like myself and am happy to be the person I am today. I like what I’m doing today. I like where my life is headed and can’t wait to see where it takes me. I’m grateful for all that I have. I’m especially grateful that I don’t have to live in that self-imposed hell any longer.

One of the things I tried to impress on my father today, as he was explaining how much my brothers and I have put him and my mother through, was how much my brothers and I have been through. That yes, it was a horrible experience for them, but it was a much worse experience for us. At least for me it was. I guess I can’t talk to my brothers’ experiences, but I assume it was just as bad for them as it was for me. It has taken me a decade to trust my own thoughts and actions again. Not being able to trust whether your own mind is giving you accurate information – that your thoughts are consistent with reality, is one of the most devastating aspects of mental illness. I don’t want to live my life monitoring my mood and trying to decide in my head if how I’m feeling is how I’m supposed to be feeling. I can’t live my life like that. I need to be able to trust that my thoughts aren’t tricking me. And I do. Finally. I realize I just booked a last minute flight to Istanbul this morning – an impulsive move on my part, but it was borne of rational, well thought out ideas. There’s really no one more committed to making sure I don’t go through that again than me. I can’t go through that again. I don’t have another round in me. And I’ve done the work to ensure that I won’t. I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 3.5 years. I’ve made the decision, once and for all, that I will not drink or use drugs. There’s no going back on it. I have quit drinking caffeine, I get adequate amounts of sleep on a daily basis, I meditate, and I eat well. I’ve made a tremendous number of changes – very positive changes, that have given me my life back. And I refuse to give that up. I refuse to be sick.

I am a miracle.

And with that, I should go pack. 8 days in Istanbul…. I must be the luckiest man alive!

Gratitude List:
Growing into the person I’m supposed to be.
Wonderful people I can reach out to in times of need. Aunt M, J, C, L, M
A fun adventure.

I feel very unsettled right now. I’m upset and not terribly happy about it.

Earlier I saw a show at UCB and sat in the audience thinking about how I’m doing exactly what I should be right now. It was great! I haven’t felt that content in a while.

I’m considering taking off for a few days. I need to escape this current situation. I’m partly homesick – I keep thinking of Minneapolis, my friends there, the things I liked to do there and how I now live forever far away. I’m definitely glad I made this move, but it’s still sad.

What I really want to run away from are the feelings I have inside me. Feelings I have no control over. Feelings that are so dependent on the actions of another person and the uncertainty of the future. I don’t like this anymore. It’s icky and I don’t want to feel this way. I’m going to bed soon and will hopefully wake up in the morning with a different perspective. I have some phone calls and other various things I need to get done tomorrow. It should be pretty relaxing. I feel emotionally drained right now which is one of the main reasons dating has never worked in the past. This isn’t fun. Feeling this way isn’t sustainable for any period of time. I just can’t handle it.

Gratitude List:
A good night’s rest and a new day.
Travel.
Reaching out to Mpls friends.

I wrote my first comedy sketch for my writing class at UCB! I’m not completely thrilled with it. I think the premise is hilarious, but stumbled after getting the first page done and the ‘game’ down. I do like it, I just wish it was funnier. Oh well. I mean really, this is a rough draft for an introductory sketch comedy writing course. I’m taking the class to learn how to write sketch comedy, not because I’m a master at it already. I’m also excited for class tomorrow because last week at class I was really tired and found it hard to engage with my classmates. I’m going to bed very soon so I’ll have a good night’s sleep and shouldn’t have a problem being my charming self tomorrow. After class I’m also meeting with a life coach. I don’t really have any money right (write!) now to put towards life coaching, but the initial meeting tomorrow is free and depending on whether I think the guy could help me or not I’ll figure out whether I’ll keep meeting with him. I’d rather spend what little money I do have right now on experiences and bettering myself as a person. After taking a look at this guy’s website I have a feeling he could be a very positive force in my life so I’m approaching it all with an open mind. If it’s meant to be the money to pay for it will fall into place.

I met B a week ago. Weird that despite only knowing him for a week, not spending the night with him curled up in my arms seems like an exception. Tonight makes two days he’s been away and it sounds like he won’t be coming back to NJ until Tuesday. Based on the MAJOR problems with moderation I have it’s probably best. But still, I wish he was here right now. I like the world a lot more when I’m with him.

I’m hoping that tomorrow mother nature will solve the problem I have with the snowbank that formed around my car during the blizzard on Friday. Rainy and 47 degrees is in the forecast!

Gratitude List:
Sketch comedy writing class.
Relaxing days and a good night’s rest.
My path coming into focus.

Wow, I’m actually writing a post at night, before bed like I used to always do. Lately they have all been happening a day later than usual and generally during the day.

Tonight was pretty fun. The girls (M, M and D) and I went out to eat and then ran a couple errands. I bought a new game and we came home and played it for quite a while. I wish I had worked on my assignment for my sketch writing class, but I can do it tomorrow. I’d like to get it done during the day so that I can spend time with B when he gets back home.

I haven’t known him for very long, but I’m very comfortable with B. In the past it’s always been a roller coaster of emotion when it comes to guys and trying to figure out how they feel or what they are thinking. With B it’s not like that because I have a good idea of how he feels and what he’s thinking. Mainly because we share that with each other openly and honestly. I much prefer doing things this way than being closed hearted. I have high hopes for this. I also realize we are both wounded individuals for our own reasons. Hopefully we will be able to help each other get to a new place in regards to trust and affection. He has definitely helped me tremendously so far in the few days I’ve known him. I hope I have for him as well. He’s a great guy and I want the best for him. Whatever that might be.

Gratitude List:
B
Writing funny sketch comedy
Being able to devote adequate time to my reiki practice

B came over last night. We sat around M and M’s with D and played games while watching the snow fall. It was really fun and I’m glad that B got to meet everyone and that we were able to sleep on the couch together again. M and M also both loved meeting B. M(a) remarked how she understands why I’ve been spending so much time with him seeing as how adorable and fun he is. Really, she only knows the half of it.

I really like him. He’s adorable and one of the sweetest, most thoughtful people I’ve ever met. I like curling up next to him and holding him tight. If I could I’d never let him out of my sight. I’d protect him and take care of him for the rest of our lives. And he’d do the same for me.

Gratitude List:
Winter storms and a reason to stay in.
Intimacy I’ve longed and craved for, but thought I’d never find.
A good meal with great friends.

Today was good. I spent the night at B’s again and really enjoyed that. It’s such a wonderful thing to just hold someone all night long, wake up next to them and just be. I’m really grateful to have gotten that experience these last few days. Hopefully there will be many more to come.

This evening was also really great. I met up with K in the city and we went to a reiki clinic on the Upper West Side. Many of our fellow classmates from early January showed up. I really enjoyed getting to catch up with them and say hi for a minute. The clinic itself was wonderful. I haven’t practiced much on other people and I’ve never practiced on a stranger. It was nice to get that experience. There was also a guy at the clinic who does massage. I’m hoping to schedule one with him sometime next week. I’m definitely one of those people who really benefits from massage. Unfortunately, I don’t have the money to do it often right now. In the future I plan to.

My knees hurt. It makes me sad. They are definitely better since I had the screws removed, but I was hoping for more improvement by this point. It’s frustrating because all I’ve really done is use the eliptical machine. Granted I beat the hell out of myself on the eliptical – as I always do. I’m sure if I just give it time and don’t totally overdo it things will get better. It might take another couple months, but really that’s not a significant amount of time longer given that the past year has been devoted to fixing my knees. And I’m also sure that in those couple months I’ll be able to start doing more and more. Really it won’t be so bad.

Gratitude list:
Reiki
B and being able to wrap my arms around him
K and getting together with her in the city

Now that I’ve talked about the guy for a while, I should focus on something else. I think I’ll really like this sketch comedy writing class. I’ve been thinking about the sketch I want to write for our next class and have a good idea of how that’s going to go. Now I just have to sit down and start writing it. I think it’ll be really fun and that I’ll be very good at this sort of thing. I’ve got an awesome sense of humor that veers into the random frequently. As one of my friend’s used to describe me, I’m definitely a ‘random genius’ because you never know what’s going to come out of my mouth. Plus, not to bring things back to the guy, but developing an intimate relationship with someone would really allow my creativity to flourish.

I have a drive, an ambition inside me to do great things – in addition to the resources to make that happen. I’m funny, fun to be around, smart, personable, charming, and as long as I keep smiling people are generally willing to do what I want them to. I’ve also identified areas I need to work to improve myself and have been focused on finding ways to do just that. Someday I’ll be a superhuman. Someday.

Gratitude List:
Clean Laundry
People I can rely on
The ability to realize my dreams

I’ve been updating once a day for about 5 months now. At times it’ll slip my mind to write an update, or I’ll get into bed and realize after I’ve shut everything off and just want to sleep that I didn’t make one yet. When that happens I allow myself to write an update the following day, but I usually will do it right away in the morning. Today, or rather the update I should have done yesterday, is the first one I’ve not updated within that time frame. I’m pretty much writing updates for 2 days tonight…. Right now.

The last couple days have been good. I met a guy! He’s super sweet and we get along really well. I spent essentially the last 24 hours with him – the majority of which was spent laying on his couch. Holding him and just being together. It’s been really wonderful. I’ve greatly enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together. It’s pretty remarkable that we’ve spent so much time together and I haven’t gotten annoyed. We just work well together. I’m going back over to his place soon to spend the night again and probably a good chunk of the day tomorrow. We don’t really even do anything except lay together and hold one another. It’s so intimate. Something I’ve wanted for a really long time, but not been able to procure.

I’m not sure where this is headed. I’m ok with that. I don’t need to control this situation or project out what can or can’t be in terms of forever. It’s truly a gift to be able to be open and receptive to the affection of someone else and to be able to return that in kind. I like this guy and I’m really liking this situation. That’s good enough for me.

Gratitude List:
The ability to love
Overcoming obstacles that have held me back
Holding someone who means a lot to me all throughout the night