2.21.13

Posted on by

We are leaving Trinketland today. I’m sad, but I have so much more direction after this trip and this experience. I’ve also got a pretty good idea about how I’m going to achieve the things I need to achieve – aka finding the money so I can once and for all say I will never work again. It’s really the only goal I aspire to. Well, that and hopefully being with B, but only time will tell about that. I’ve been writing a lot of letters lately to other people. Spewing emotion, really. I feel I overstepped some bounds. Perhaps even came across as crazy more than once. I’m ok with that. And now one final letter as I lay here, in Trinketland, with B beside me.

Dear Andrew,

You will stumble and you will fall. It’s ok. Just get up, dust yourself off and move on with your life.

You were not meant for this world. Yet, you are here. Make the most of it. As long as you conduct yourself from a place of love, ask for help when it is needed and remain vulnerable to all there is, all will be taken care of. Learn to love. Be open to love. Be love.

Love,

Yourself

I guess I have one more letter to write:

Dear B,

I love you and I always have. From the moment we met and I saw your cute face, heard your adorable accent and fell asleep with you in my arms I have loved you. And I will love you, always.

What’s mine is yours. Be it financial resources or emotional abundance. Take what you need. I trust you.

It’s too early to tell if we are meant to be together. I certainly hope we are, but I won’t let the prospect of losing you keep me from loving you.

I cherish our time in Trinketland. If nothing more comes from this relationship than a beautiful memory of the time we spent here together, I consider myself to be lucky. And better off. I hope you do, too. And, that this is only the beginning.

Yours always and forever,

Mopey Zoo Lion

Gratitude List:
The drive and ambition to change the world.
The love I need to make that happen.
B! B! B! B! B! B! B!

2.20.13

Posted on by

Prince!

I’m alright, just overwhelmed. I’m in Istanbul and this guy, B, from Newark met me here. I really like him and I like this situation, but it’s overwhelming me. I’ve never had this before and it’s uncharted territory. It’s tough. I feel totally out of control because this situation is totally out of my control. I have to try, to love, sometime. I’d just hate to hurt someone I really like. I’ve had such a bad experience with life. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay happy and not suck him into whatever hell I find next. And that wouldn’t be fair to him. But, I like this situation for what it is now. I’m trying to keep that in mind. Anyway, here are some pictures from Istanbul.

Love,

Andrew

2.19.13

Posted on by

Greetings from Istanbul!

I woke up last Tuesday with a hankering to go somewhere…. Found myself on a flight to Istanbul from JFK less than 24 hours later. This is how I’m choosing to live my life. I love it!

I met a guy! I’m 30 years old and I’ve spent 30 valentine’s days single. I don’t want to spend another 30 that way. I can’t spend another 30 that way. I need your help!

I recently gave up working – and more importantly the idea that I need to. That said, I’ll have to figure out a way to support myself – and B. If I’m not going to work, I certainly don’t want him to. I want to write. It gives me the flexibility I need, removes the boss I can’t handle and who knows, maybe someday I’ll change the world. Maybe you’ll be able to help me do that, seeing as how you’ve already done it yourself. I’m extremely grateful for the work you’re doing. You are an Angel D__. A real life Angel! And I am, too. So is B.

This world has systematically destroyed every dream I ever had. It shut me down for an extremely long time. I’ve had to work past a lot of issues to be where I am today, and truth be told, I shouldn’t be here today. I put so much effort into destroying myself I simply can’t believe I survived. Somehow I did. I’m grateful I did, for whatever reason. I can’t believe I’m saying this D__, but I’m grateful to be alive! I love myself! And, of course, the world around me. I do love this world, it just needs to be changed. And it’s time I throw my voice into it and start helping the rest to make that change.

I’ve got an idea. Maybe a crazy idea, I don’t know. I’ve decided I’m no longer allowed to judge what’s crazy or not. I’m just going with it from this point on.

I love this man, B, who flew all the way to Istanbul to meet me. I’ve only known him for a couple weeks, but I love him. This, coming from a guy who’s 30 years old and has never been in a long term relationship. It’s a remarkable step to be able to take. And I’m grateful to be able to take it.

Bliss. I’ve known what that word means nearly my entire life, but I’ve never felt what that word means until now. Holding Benjamin in my arms is bliss. Pure, unadulterated bliss. I have finally felt love and it feels wonderful. I’ve also decided all of those people who say that two men can’t get married, can’t love each other, have never felt true love in their hearts because if they had they wouldn’t try to deny anyone else from having it, finding it, or being able to love. I feel extremely sad for them. Perhaps I’ll even start praying for them. That would seem fitting, wouldn’t it?

What I need, D__, are resources. Benjamin and I have a plan! We want to move to Germany and not work for 3 months. To learn about each other, about love. I wanted to come to you first since you have those resources. And, of course, because you are an Angel. Be it in the form of an advance on a book, or simply as an extension of the Trevor project, I’d like for you to help make this crazy dream possible. What I’d like to do is document our move and our love. Export it to the world – for all the world to see. I really like writing letters – letters home, letters to friends, letters to you.

I started a blog about 6 months ago with the goal of getting into the habit of writing down my thoughts and emotions on a regular basis. I committed to one post a day for a year. I don’t edit or waste time on perfection. Quick and to the point has always been my goal. No bullshit, really. This is not something I share with people. Recently, I have shared it with a few. Much like coming out, it’s hard to bare your soul to the world. But, I’m ready. I spent so long living in fear and closed hearted. Now, I’m trying to live from a place of vulnerability. And I am. It’s truly a gift.

So, if you’re game, I’d commit to selling you my soul. It’s a beautiful soul. I like it very much. Do with it as you please. I trust you.

Please check out my blog. Things got most interesting after I met Benjamin. Really, from 2/1/2013 on would be a great place to start. That’s when I really started to love. And to live. I’m a very visual person, so I’ll attach a few pictures. Please don’t share these. I haven’t asked B’s permission, but I really want to find a way to make this 3 months work. And I hope you can provide that.

Do you believe that two wounded individuals can rehabilitate each other? B and I are both wounded. Broken, really. I have no idea if we can make this love work, but I want to try. I need to try. And I know, deep down in my heart, that we will both be better off for trying. Even if in the end we aren’t together, we will leave one another a stronger, happier person. Please Dan, help me if you can. Or, point me to someone who might be able to. If, after taking a look at the blog, you’d be willing to give me an hour of your time I’d be very grateful. I live just outside New York, but will meet you anywhere that is convenient. I have cousins in Seattle I’ve been meaning to visit for a while. Maybe this could be the reason to do that.

Gratitude list:
Intimacy with B – emotional and sexual
Gaining trust, giving trust
The resources to make my dreams a reality.

2.18.13

Posted on by

M___!

Greetings from Istanbul! How is my favorite Aunt?!?!?

B met me today. I picked him up at the airport. Unfortunately, I’m proving to be a terrible tour guide. Thankfully he has low expectations.

After an unexpected 2 hour walking tour of Istanbul we found a room! Or rather, it found us. It’s perfect. It has a pink ceiling and a comfortable bed. B was really jet lagged from the flight so we’ve just been doing what we do. It’s great to hold him in my arms again. I can’t believe it’s been a week since I saw him. Or that I’ve only known him for a couple weeks now.

I love him. And I told him so today. I hadn’t expected to, but it just came out. I hope he’s able to accept my love. And that we can be together. Neither of those are things I am certain of at this point, but I told him today that I love him and that I will allow him to break my heart. He couldn’t promise not to, which I get. He’s got such a beautiful soul he’d never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but I can’t control what I have no control over and it’s possible the universe, or this world, has other plans. I guess time will tell. It’s such a beautiful thing to be vulnerable to someone else. Certainly tough, but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I’m extremely grateful to finally be having an authentic experience. And to be able to love so deeply again, of course.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that I don’t process this world or the things around me in the same way a lot of other people do. It’s not something bad, or anything to be afraid of. Rather, I need to embrace it as something that makes me different. Something that makes me special. Something to be celebrated. Something to love. It’s not something that needs to be medicated. I am a square peg that will never fit into a round hole. And I don’t want to. I don’t need to. And I won’t.

I bought Benjamin a single red rose at the airport. I can’t believe someone would fly all the way to Istanbul just to be with me! How wonderful. I’m so grateful to be having this experience with him, now. Finally.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t take the rose with us. As I was looking for a place to stay yesterday one of the hotel people made it abundantly clear we would not be rented a room with a single bed. I was reluctant to walk into hotels with him carrying the rose I had given him while asking for rooms to rent. So we left it, on a seat, at the airport. It makes me mad as hell. So fucking mad. But, I suppose, this is still the world in which I live. And really, my lily-livered self hasn’t done much to change that up until now. I used to wish I’d had to overcome some type of adversity growing up. You know, to make me a stronger person. I mean really, most everything I ever needed was basically provided to me. It’s not until recently that I’ve realized the adversity I have overcome and the strength that’s given me. I plan to utilize that going forward. And hopefully, to change the world. I guess we’ll see about that part.

Do you think it’s possible for two broken people to rehabilitate each other together? I certainly hope it is.

I hope this email finds you well! Catch me up on what’s going on. I’ve attached a couple pictures for you! Tell E____ and A____ hi for me!

Love,

Andrew

2.18.13

Posted on by

Hi Mom!

I got offered a job! I know you and dad really want me to be working again. I told the man I’d think about it. It is, of course, in Istanbul. Selling carpets! Can you imagine? I’m pretty sure I’d be great at it. With my affable smile, easy humor and navy blue eyes I’m certain I could sell a ton of carpets to Americans. You know, that drive for more unnecessary things runs deep. Certainly I could make a killing capitalizing on that. If I wanted, that is.

I will be returning to New York on Thursday. My time in Istanbul, so far, has been cherished. Who knows, maybe I’ll live here for a while. Maybe that time won’t be so far away. You, of course, can come and visit. It’s really a remarkable place.

I’m on the way to the airport to pick up Benjamin now. I’m so excited to see him and so glad he’s joining me. I’m glad I got to spend the first part of this journey on my own, but grateful the rest, and my return to New York, will be with him.

Remember when we ate at PF Chang’s in Maple Grove? My fortune cookie said “Sometimes traveling to a new place can lead to a great transformation.” I get that now. I hope you and dad do, too.

I keep seeing Daizee everywhere! Damnit, I love that cat. Tell her hi for me! And everyone else, of course.

Love,

Andrew

Gratitude List:
B – B – B – B -B – B – B
Love.
Vulnerability on a level never before experienced.

2.17.13

Posted on by

Thank you for the thoughtful response. And the kind words. If you want there’s a lot more of my writing at http://www.kittenparachutes.com. I set a goal for myself to write one post a day for the next year. It doesn’t need to be perfect and everything is in a pretty rough form. I just sit down and bang out an update everyday. Lately I’ve felt a need to write. It helps me order my thoughts and provides a cathartic outlet for working through the emotions I have about past experiences. I’m very happy I started doing this. Things seemed to get a lot more interesting in February. I’ve been crying a lot, too. I have a feeling that once I work through this and get the crying out I’ll feel much happier. I’ll also have a wonderful emotional depth to draw on. I’m looking forward to where this life is going to take me. I have a feeling I’m going to reach my limitless potential! And, of course, help others do the same.

I’m picking B up from the airport very soon! I can’t wait!

Gratitude List:
Being with B again.
Reaching my limitless potential.
The opportunity to help others.

2.17.13

Posted on by

Sometimes traveling to a new place can lead to a great transformation.

I just don’t want to hate myself anymore. I was so mean for so long. I can’t believe the things I did. The things I said to myself. The way I treated myself and the worth I thought I had. I need to learn to forgive, but the person I need to forgive is no one but myself. I was born into a cruel, cold world that systematically destroyed any dream I ever had, but it was a conscious decision I made on my part to remain sick. To not allow myself to grow past my problems and flourish as the person deep inside I really do want to be. I think that person is deep inside me, somewhere. It has to be. Otherwise, there really is no hope. Nothing to strive for and nothing to live for. I can’t live in a world without hope. And based on past experiences I’ll never be able to kill myself. I’ve tried that. It didn’t work. So, based on that loose piece of logic, there must be hope. If I live in this world and I am alive, there must be hope. And I must live with it. And here. I must live here. Now. Not looking forward or past, trying to figure out when I’ll be happy or when life will finally be ok.

I feel emotionally destroyed right now. I feel so deeply, but so often it’s just pain and sadness. I want to feel more. To live in the light of the world. To live in love. To be love.

I think I can do it. I want to do it. Please, can’t someone just help me. Show me how? I’m sick of being on my own. So sick of it. B – please help me live in the light. I can’t do this anymore without you. It’s taken so long to find you. Please, B, be the light I need in my life.

And now I can’t stop crying. I feel so, so sad. I DON’T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE. But, can I live happy? Can I trust myself? Can I trust the world to not take away the happiness I have inside me like it’s so cruelly done in the past? I have to try. I don’t have any other option at this point.

I might be mentally ill. I don’t know. Clearly, if nothing else I’m at least slightly deranged. And honestly, I’ll take that. Slightly deranged. Not quite right. That I can handle. What I do know is that I’m doing the best I can with what this world has provided me. Just like I think deep down everyone is. My hope, for this planet, is that we start doing better. That this place becomes a bit nicer. That people stop being so focused on themselves and what they have and more focused on others and what they don’t have. My goal, my divine life mission, is to make the world a better place. An easier place for everyone to live. A place where everyone has what they need. A lofty goal, to be sure, but something I’m committed to spending the rest of my life achieving. I’ve gone deep into the darkness. I’ve lived in hell. A hell I created through this world in which we live. My own personal hell. Now it’s time to create heaven. Heaven on Earth, as it were.

And now, I’m calling all the Angels. The time is now. We are here. Let’s get started.

2.16.13

Posted on by

J___!

It’s been a while. I figured I’d shoot you an email and give you an update on what my current life looks like. I also have a few medical questions for you.

Ok, so I moved out of my apt at the end of December. Stayed with my friends in Newark for a couple weeks at the beginning of the new year, traveled back to Mpls to have the screws removed and then got in my car and drove to Chicago, then DC and ultimately landed back in Newark. Newark will be home base going forward. I started a sketch comedy writing class at UCB. It’s really fun and I’m really good at it!

So my only real commitment of a time and place at this point is my UCB class in Manhattan on Mondays from 12:15 pm to 3:15 pm. Aside from that I can be wherever I want, doing what I want, whenever I want. To be honest, I feel kind of tied down because of this class, but that’s ok because it’s only temporary. I’ve decided my new job will be “Professional Traveler.” I no longer feel compelled to live within the social structure that was created by people before me. I’d much rather do what I want, when I want. Anyway, I digress. The point of that was there will be no more shitty, soul crushing corporate jobs for me, ever. That much has been decided.

I’m in Istanbul! I love this place. It’s so remarkable! I woke up on Tuesday with a hankering to go somewhere…. Was on a flight to Istanbul less than 24 hours later. I found a flight for $477 dollars and figured I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of that. The hostel I’m staying in is a dump, but $11/night so I can handle that. Oh, and I met a guy in Newark. He’s a flight attendant and meeting me here tomorrow and flying back with me on the 2/21. He’s great.

So it dawned on me that I’m in Istanbul and they have some medical tourism in this country. I’m planning on seeing a plastic surgeon on Monday. It’s nothing I would do on this trip, but I want to check out the facility and get a feel for the doctor, etc. I’d be more than willing to come back for a procedure. I also figure being on the ground, face to face, will give me some haggling power over price. I could never buy a package in the states and get on a plane and fly here with the intention of having a procedure without having first checked out the facility and getting a feel for the doctor. Do you have any advice for me on that? Like what questions to ask. Since I met with a few in Minneapolis I generally know what I’m looking for and have a pretty good idea of what to ask, but any thoughts would be appreciated. It will be easy for me to travel back here and totally something I’d do if I could have the same procedure done here for less than half the cost. I’m pretty sure I’ll find that to be the case.

2/15 marked a year off all psychotropic medication. I couldn’t be happier, but not in a bad way! My parents flipped the fuck out when I told them about Istanbul, but they’re my parents so I get that. I figure the best way to assuage any concerns they may have that I’m manic or headed that way is to continue living my life and show them, through the passage of time, that my life, and that I, have changed. They’ll eventually figure it out… I hope. Just as I had to go through a period of tremendous growth to be able to start trusting that my thoughts and actions are of sound mind and body, they will too. I’m just a little ahead of them on that front.

How are things in Minneapolis? Sorry I didn’t get to really say goodbye, but on a positive note, pretty soon I’ll be able to be your tour guide to the world. How cool is that?

Ok, it’s my 3rd day in Istanbul. It’s dreary and pretty cold here (40’s). I just finished breakfast and have a super busy day ahead of me. I hope this note finds you well. Here is my view from breakfast. Pretty great, huh?

Love,

Andrew

2.15.13

Posted on by

Istanbul day 2 here I come!

Ok, so I’ve had quite a bit on my mind lately and need to write about it. I had hoped to bang out a quick post on the computer at the hostel, but not surprisingly that keyboard is not the standard American keyboard I’m used to which means we’re doing a phone update. I want to get this off my mind before heading off for the day.

First, I got an email last night that I wasn’t selected to go forward with Norway. I was really hoping that would work out. I’m certainly bummed it’s not going to, but I’m ok with this situation. I really bared my soul in that application video. I apparently wasn’t what they were looking for, which sucks, but I definitely gained from this experience. Having Norway, or the hope of Norway, on the horizon has definitely influenced how I’ve spent the last couple months. I’m not sure I would have been able to leave behind Minneapolis and make some of the major changes I’ve made if I hadn’t remained hopeful and optimistic that it would work out. And today I have something I didn’t have before applying, which is a much clearer path forward. I really am good at this comedy sketch writing and if I work at it that could turn into something. Had I not had Norway to preoccupy my thoughts and plans for the future, I wouldn’t have been able to reach the point I’m at today. It’s because of Norway that I was able to get past the stress of not having a job or any prospects for work in the future. Without that hope I would have been much more stressed out and possibly even tried for a more traditional path forward – aka another shitty cubicle job I was destined to hate. Because of Norway I took some major risks and was able to just roll with life for the present time. That in itself is a miracle and something I’m tremendously grateful for. I seem to be planting roots in the NYC area now. Perhaps I’m meant to stick around there for a while. I guess we’ll see.

B is coming on the 17th and I couldn’t be happier. I can’t wait to see him again and explore this amazing city with him. And, of course, to fall asleep with him in my arms. I can’t believe how long it’s been since we did that and I’ve known him for less than two weeks at this point.

There is a guy from France that was in the same room as me at the hostel. He just left, in fact. He’s very good looking and last night got into bed shirtless. Statement of truth: I like sex and think about it a lot. A lot. Seeing this hot guy from France made me want to have some ridiculous experience in Istanbul with hot Turkish men. The problem is, I don’t really like having ridiculous experiences like that very often. And when I do, it’s not the intimacy I’m really craving. B is able to provide that intimacy. I’m also certain if I really wanted I could reason away the fact that B and I haven’t committed to each other in any way. I’m not sure if I can call him my boyfriend because we haven’t had that conversation. I do, however, want to call him my boyfriend. I also don’t want to mess around with anyone but him and would be quite disappointed if I found out he had. I’m not worried about that, though, because that’s not what he’s about. We’ve shared a bed quite a few nights at this point, but the actual sex is going slowly. And I’m ok with that. Actually, I prefer it. It’s nice to be intimate on the level we are without the messiness of sex. It adds another dimension that very well could have made it impossible for me to develop this intimacy with him. I’m so grateful to have him in my life. I cannot wait to hug him at the airport in 2 days and spend more time with him. It’s going to be so wonderful. I also plan on having a conversation with him about where this is headed. Ideally I’d like to be able to call him my boyfriend and have some sort of commitment going forward. Develop a higher level of trust and feelings toward him. That’s not to say I don’t trust him now, I do, I just want more at this point. I like where this is headed. If I get my heartbroken so be it. At least I’ll finally be having an authentic experience allowing myself to be vulnerable to something I have no control over. That in itself is such a gift – such a blessing I’m so grateful for.

That said, today marks one year since I was able to wean off all psychotropic medication with the guidance of my doctor. I feel like I can finally live life again. It’s truly one of the greatest accomplishments I’ll ever achieve. Everything past this point is just gravy – the icing on the cake. I know I’m not crazy right now. I can feel it in my bones. Despite the concerns other people have had, I know this is real. And I have to know this is real. To trust my thoughts and actions going forward as being of sound mind and body. Thank you, god. Buddha. Mohammed. Whomever you are, I appreciate this with all my heart. And I’ll never forget where I’ve been or where I’m headed.

And with that it’s time to start day 2 exploring Istanbul! I can’t wait!

Gratitude List:
The life I’ve always wanted.
The love I’ve always craved.
The ability to live without reservations.

2.14.13

Posted on by

I’m on a flight to Istanbul! I love the life I’m currently living. I mean really, I got up yesterday and booked this flight for today. It’s so great that my only obligation right now is a class at UCB on Mondays in the afternoon. Aside from that, I can be wherever I want doing whatever I want.

Benjamin is so great. I like him so much and I like so many things about him. I love that every time we talk on the phone the first thing out of his mouth is “what are you doing” in his adorable accent. We haven’t even talked that much on the phone, but each time I hear him ask me that it makes me feel happy. And I know that he really wants to know what I’m doing because he’s genuinely interested. I’m trying to keep a level head about this. I really am, but I’m awash in these emotions and feelings I’ve never had for someone before and I love it. It feels right. Realistically speaking, I’ve only known him for a week and a half. It feels like I’ve known him forever. And that I’d like to know him forever.

There are a few variables in the next few days, but I’m going to put a call out to my angels: Please deliver Benjamin to Istanbul on the 17th. I want to be with him.

Update: Benjamin is going to fly here in a couple days. I can’t wait!