I got home last night after eating with the girls and decided to lay down for a minute. This was around 6 pm… Got out of bed this morning at 6 am. I figure I probably needed the sleep and today I’m taking a reiki 2 class so I’m glad I’ll be fully rested. I do feel slightly sad that I didn’t go out with the crew in NYC last night because it could have been a lot of fun, but I’m happy with how things worked out.

Gratitude List:
Reiki 2 class!!!!
Future plans becoming more clear
Being able to afford the life I want to live.

I feel like I have a new toy and all I want to do is play with it. The problem is, I really like B and don’t want to hurt him. I see guys everywhere that I’m attracted to. I went to a meeting tonight and there was this guy who was really awesome and good looking. Totally my type. He mentioned having a boyfriend so I’m not sure he’d want to be anything more than friends. The thing is, it’s not so much about the guy I met tonight at the meeting as it is that I see potential partners all over the place. I’ve never really dated before and I kind of feel like I should do that now that I can. Find out what I like and don’t like; what I want out of relationship and what I don’t want. B is great… Blergh. I don’t know. Keeping things casual with everyone for the present time is probably going to be my best bet. Although it feels like things have already gone past casual with B.

On a side note, my knees hurt quite a bit from my run earlier. I’ll have to definitely take tomorrow off and maybe Sunday too.

Gratitude list:
Running
Meetings
New friends

Late post again… I really need to do a better job of getting back in the habit of posting every night before bed.

I turned 31 yesterday. I had a great birthday. Today I was officially able to start running again. I can’t go all out at this point – I really have to ease into it. I’m ok doing that, though. I can take it easy and I have been. Traditionally speaking moderation has not been my strong suit, but I’m pretty sure I can make it work with this. And what a great birthday gift to be able to start running today! I ran 2.8 miles and loved it! It was also nearly 50 so that was great.

B and I saw a movie yesterday about mental illness. I still have a lot of anger associated with that situation. On the one hand, I’m so grateful to be off the medication and to be at the place I am today, but I’m also mad as hell. I mean I really got sucked into the machine that is psychiatry and mental health – including major influences from big pharma, and I feel like there was no one who could provide me with a map out. I had to find that on my own and I feel like that’s not necessarily the way it needed to be. I wish there had been someone earlier who could have shown me the way. Perhaps my thinking is off on all of this – maybe I had to find that way out and if someone had tried (perhaps they did) I may not have even been receptive to that conversation. I really need to think about it some more and will hopefully formulate some thoughts. A phone update on the way into NYC on NJ transit is not the best time to flesh this all out. Hopefully one of these nights I can write more and solidify my thinking on it all a bit more.

On my way into the city! I’m going to MoMA for the free Friday night and then hitting up a meeting I went to about 2 months ago, but haven’t been able to make it back to yet. I’m looking forward to seeing all of the nice people I met there back in January. Woohoo!

Gratitude List:
Meetings
Living so close to NYC
The ability to run!

Strange time for an update for yesterday…. Anyway.

My inability to deal with uncertainty has gotten tremendously better the past few months. With everything so uncertain for my future – namely my finances, where I’ll be living, what I’ll be doing for income, etc, I’m doing a remarkable job of just rolling with things and seeing where the universe takes me. I like it, a lot. It’s nice to give up control – which for so long was something I absolutely could not do. There’s a power in just turning it over and knowing that everything will work out. And really, I do believe that everything will work out in time. I just have to give it time. Wow, I’m getting that warm and fuzzy feeling on the inside just thinking about it. I am not in control. I cannot tell myself that enough. How wonderful.

That said, the one area I have the hardest time just rolling with things, and always have had the most trouble with, is when I’m in the process of seeing someone. I simply can’t deal with the uncertainty because it drives me fucking nuts. I’ve gotten much better at it and the results are clear – I’m seeing someone for basically the second time in my entire life. Considering I’ve never been in an LTR this is a huge step for me. Unfortunately, I still have flare ups from the drama queen that lives inside me. I had one just the other night when I posted about how things with Benjamin are done. Thankfully, I don’t see her very often anymore, but at times she still rears her ugly head and takes over. She used to rule my life and she doesn’t anymore, so I’ve certainly come a long way with it all. But clearly, I’ve got some more work to do.

Things with B are not done. I woke up with him next to me this morning which was the best gift I could have ever asked for on my 31st birthday. I still don’t know where this is headed and I don’t need to. Not right now anyway. I can just enjoy it for what it is and be grateful to be having the experience I’m having with him, now. If it’s meant to be forever that will fall into place. If not I’ll figure that out, too. I like it a lot for what it is now. Yay me!

I fear I’ve found a new addiction: personal growth. As far as addictions go, it’s probably a good one to have. I’m constantly looking for experiences and ways I can better myself as a person and grow. It’s going to be very interesting to see where this takes me. I have a feeling it’ll be to great heights.

Gratitude List:
Not fearing birthdays
Waking up next to someone I care about
Waking up next to someone who cares about me

Love List:
Uncertainty
B
My mother

It’s interesting how much things can change over the course of one day – especially a day in which I feel like next to nothing happened. And really, next to nothing happened today.

Things with B and I are over. I guess what burns fast and intense burns out quickly, too. I’m ok with it. I feel like we both left each other better off than we were when we started and I’ll never forget the memory of him and the time we spent together. Istanbul was a great adventure – romantic and fun. A memory I’ll cherish for a lifetime. It wasn’t meant to be and I’m ok with that. I feel sad about it, but life will move on. I’ve never allowed myself to be vulnerable to someone the way I did with B. And I couldn’t have chosen a nicer guy to allow to break my heart for the first time. I’m learning, growing as a person, and this experience definitely taught me a lot about love, life and happiness. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I get my heartbroken. It seems to be a pretty big part of falling in love and finding true love. I’m extremely grateful for the time we were able to spend together and the growth I’ve achieved. I wish the best for him in the future.

Gratitude List:
Developing emotionally
People to reach out to
A full night’s rest

Love List:
B

Morning update!

Yesterday was good. I had my class at UCB which was interesting, to say the least. I like being funny and writing funny things, but the thing I’m realizing is that (1) I want to write and (2) I want it to be so much more than just funny. It needs to have a deeper message. Humor is definitely a gift I’ve been given that I need to utilize in order to make a point and get my message across, but there’s so much more I want to express than just humor. Although I really like my writing class at UCB, I am being taught to write humor in a very specific and rigid manner. It’s not something I can’t do, I just want to do more at this point. And I want the flexibility to do more and to really create in the manner I see most fit. I’ve never fit well into boxes. I’ve got a few writer friends and plan on sending out a few emails asking for any help or guidance with it all. I’m sure someone will be able to point me in the right direction and my next steps will unfold quickly. I’m so excited to explore this further and see where it takes me!

I’ve also been keeping a gratitude list for a while. It’s been great! I like remaining grateful and naming a few specific things I’m grateful for everyday. This morning I decided I should really take it a step further and start to keep a ‘love’ list as well. So, going forward, in addition to the gratitude list I’m going to start making a list of things that I love. I think this will be really great for me! Woohoo!

Gratitude List:
A good night’s rest, finally.
My own space again.
Doing exactly what I was meant to do.

Love List:
B
My mother
Growing as a person.

I just finished writing my sketch for class! I love it! It feels so good to finally feel like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. There’s still a lot that needs to fall into place, but it will. Soon, I hope!

Gratitude List:
Funny sketch comedy writing
People who can guide me – L and K
New digs!

First night at the new house! I’m staying in the attic bedroom – it’s great. I also found something left behind from the previous tenants – it almost feels like it was left for me. It has some fortunes from fortune cookies inside. I plan on utilizing them all going forward. Here is what they say:

“Great things happen when men and mountains meet”

“To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it”

“Don’t worry; prosperity will knock on your door soon”

“Today is a lucky day for those who remain cheerful and optimistic”

“You’re transforming yourself into someone who is certain to succeed”

I hope they prove to be right! Now I’m hungry…. I want Chinese food!

Gratitude List:
My own bedroom and space to spread my trinkets everywhere!
Trinketland
Sketch comedy class
Liberation

I met up with some friends from class for a sketch comedy show last night. It was really funny! I had a great time watching and would love to be a part of that at some point in the future. Hopefully I can make that happen. I also really enjoyed getting to know the people from class. I’ve got a project – Trinketland, that I’d like to create. Hopefully I can pull a couple of them into it to help. It looks like it could take a lot of work and since I’m more of an idea person – less of an actual work person, I’ll need someone to do the manual labor. Of course I’ll share all of the spoils.

Gratitude List:
Great ideas and a new direction.
Making new friends.
Laughter.

We finally made it home from Trinketland. We stopped at M and M’s, split up our trinkets and then I brought B home. It was definitely a good idea that we spend tonight apart, although I still find myself wishing I was falling asleep with him wrapped up in my arms and waking up next to him. Hopefully I will get to see him tomorrow, or at least soon. I’m not letting my favorite trinket of all get away. That’s for sure.