I went out to eat with my friend who is letting me stay with him and couldn’t help but think I just don’t want to be here anymore. I just don’t want to be doing this anymore. The problem is, the thought of going home with no prospects for any type of work and trying to figure that situation out would be a nightmare. Plus, I don’t really want to go home, but I do want to be settled somewhere and have my own space and find a routine with things. Routines can be so boring and mundane, but I’m finding not having one to be quite difficult as well. I also worked out today and made the mistake of not doing a great job eating (or rather I went a long period without food) which always throws off my mindset considerably. I think that tomorrow will go better. I hope that tomorrow goes better. I don’t want to have another day like today.

Gratitude List:
Squats
Running
Attractive men and some things to think about

I don’t want to die anymore. It’s a pretty remarkable thing. A few months ago I told my story at an AA meeting. I remember telling them that I don’t have memories of a time that don’t include memories of wanting to kill myself. From as far back as my memories go I remember having suicidal thoughts. That is a truth I know to be true today. The thing I realized, though, was that it may have taken me nearly 3 decades, but I finally do have memories from a time that don’t include memories of wanting to kill myself. They don’t start until I’m 28 years old, but I’m extremely grateful to finally have them.

Gratitude List:
Not wanting to die anymore
Memories of a time that don’t include memories of wanting to kill myself
Being back in Bkk

I spent most of yesterday in the hotel room reading stuff online, listening to podcasts and doing some drawing. It was nice to draw again. I haven’t done that in quite a while. I did end up going out last night and wandering around the night bazaar and eating some dinner.

Headed back to Bkk this morning. I’m looking forward to being around people again and hanging out. It’ll be a nice change. I’ve been spending so much time by myself lately. And although I’m not sold on Bkk, I should probably give it another chance.

Gratitude List:
A short flight ahead of me vs a very long train ride
Drawing
Moments of clarity

Yesterday was good. I walked to the mall. Ended up regretting not taking a cab because it was pretty, but I made it there. Are at this buffet place called hot pot. They basically put a pot in front of you and you cook your own meal…. Sounds good in theory, but I really don’t know how to cook so it ended up not being the greatest. I made this same mistake in Bkk when I first got there, too. Maybe it would be fun if there was someone there to instruct me. Who knows.

Afterwards I watched a movie (The Lone Ranger) and then walked back to my hotel. Walking is much better at night when it’s cooler around here. I’ve basically spend the entire day so far inside. I feel like I should go out and do something. In all likelihood I will soon. I’m flying to Bkk tomorrow and looking forward to being back there. This surprises me.

During the movie I started to think about this time I got trapped in a song. I feel like there’s something I’m not quite grasping at this point – something important that will hopefully dawn on me soon enough. I currently feel very perplexed about what it might be. It’s also very possible that it’s something that other people just fundamentally understand and take for granted, but that for some reason I’ve had to learn the hard way. Hmm. Food for thought, I guess.

Gratitude List:
A lazy day of not doing too much
Anticipating being back in Bkk
A chance to go back to Pai

I keep forgetting to update. I think my 2 week hiatus while at the meditation place is to blame. All that time spent there and I’m still not a level 5 wizard. What a shame.

As soon as I got to Chiang Rai I felt like leaving. I’m tired of traveling alone and trying to fill my time. I’m sure this place is great with lots to do, but I want to be settled somewhere and be back into a routine. I’d like to be working out and getting exercise on a regular basis. It will be nice to be back in Bkk for a spell while I search for jobs. I booked a flight there for Friday. I’m actually looking forward to going back there. I think it’ll be nice.

Gratitude List:
A comfortable bed
Some more clarification
Time well spent

Hi C,

Let’s do an email reading. I like being able to have a conversation and just see what comes up without preparing too many specific questions, but I’m willing to give this a try. Who knows, maybe it will even be more beneficial for me to come up with specific questions and then ask just them. They’ve been rumbling around in my head all day long.

1. I’m in Thailand and plan to start seriously looking for work teaching English within the next week. I need to research what area I’d most like to work in, but at this point I’m leaning towards leaving Thailand. Perhaps Japan, China, Taiwan or maybe even somewhere in Europe. Is there any insight you can give me on this? Either an area of the world to focus on or anything generally related to the job search?

2. I keep seeing numbers that make me think I’m meant to look towards my childhood. Or perhaps I’m supposed to work to bring out my inner child. I feel that there is a message in it from my guides that I’m just not quite comprehending. I realize this is a vague question, but do my guides keep pointing me back to that time for a reason? And if so, what is that reason? Lately I’ve been seeing the number sequence 235 which strongly resonates with my hometown of Willmar MN and growing up.

3. I’ve been traveling and really searching, striving to find some purpose in life and my reason for being here. I recently spent a couple weeks at a monastery meditating which was not the life changing experience I’d hoped it would be. I’ve since realized that perhaps instead of looking to the world around me to provide purpose, I should really be focused on looking within. I have a feeling that as I grow, awaken and change, I’m going to find a deeper sense of spirituality and most likely help other people find that within themselves as well. This is something that’s come up in past readings, but can you give me any more information regarding all of this?

4. This question is related to the previous question. I believe the mind is fundamentally misunderstood by psychiatry which is, in my opinion, basically voodoo. About a decade ago I got a preview of what my mind can do and I’m still trying to work that out (and recover from the bipolar diagnosis it got me). I know that as I grow and develop I’ll gain a deeper understanding of that, but I’ve been listening/reading lately more about a collective shift in consciousness that will eventually take place (hopefully) within the human race in order for us as a species to evolve. I currently feel like I’m trying to unbuild a mystery as I develop my own thoughts on the subject based on my past experiences. Thoughts? Will I be involved in this to some degree?

5. Romance. Just tell me I won’t be alone forever. Sometimes it feels like I might. Anything about the guy or where we’ll meet would be awesome. It helps me remain hopeful and optimistic. I feel like I’m ready to open myself up again to the prospect of dating and love, but the opportunity hasn’t presented itself yet.

6. Writing. I should be doing it and I’m not. I want to be doing it and I’m not. Can you help at all or provide me with any insight in that regard?

I’d intended on coming up with 7 questions, but that’s all for now. I’ve never asked you email questions before…. Are these questions ok? I mean are they too long and involved? Should I have split some of them up and asked them as more than one question? Please send me your paypal information and I’ll send the money. I’ll most likely come up with another question or two after sleeping tonight or once I get your responses. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and that the fair you are going to goes well.

Best,

Andrew

Gratitude List:
Being able to take some time and reflect on my current situation
Being able to see the beauty in everyday life
Being able to stay positive

I’m having a hard time wanting to write any updates. When I created this I’d decided to update it everyday for a year. I’m only a couple months shy of a year so I’m going to continue. Once I get to a year I can reevaluate.

I biked around yesterday which was really enjoyable. There’s really not a lot to do in Pai and I’m growing a little restless. Actually, I’m not that restless. It’s more that I feel like I should be doing something. I’d be plenty content to just spend my days reading a book, drawing or doing something like that. I’m feeling a pull to head back to Bangkok and get serious about the job searching. I feel ready to start the job search and figure out where I’ll settle for the next year or so. It’ll be fun to figure that out.

I’ve also got to get a hold of someone from my OA meeting in Mpls. My eating is totally out of control at this point and it’s making me terribly uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling, or eating, like this. I’m not 100% sure what the underlying motives are behind it. I’ll have to give it some thought and perhaps my post tonight will be a little more detailed about it.

Gratitude List:
Having some excitement about figuring out a job and settling down for a while.
A nice meditation
Relaxing

Yesterday was really just lovely. I met this British kid and we hiked to a waterfall through the jungle. We basically followed this trail that went along a small creek. The trail kept jumping from one side of the river to the other so we found ourselves constantly crossing through the water. It took us around 2.5 hours to get to the waterfall and another 2.5 to get back. I greatly enjoyed feeling so close to nature – something I feel I don’t get when I’m in the cities like Bangkok or even Chiang Mai.

I’m meeting a guy in town today. He runs some type of school or program that offers a lot of holistic type things. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s a good experience. It could really go either way.

Gratitude List:
Another morning waking up to my beautiful view of rice paddies and forested mountains (hills?) just outside my door
Being able to take time and reconnect with nature
Some seriously delicious massaman curry for dinner last night (there will be another trip – or two, back there today)

I made it to Pai! I was slightly concerned that the ride through the mountains with all the curves and turns would be long and uncomfortable, but it really wasn’t that bad. So far I really like it here. The hotel I’m staying in is just wonderful. I like the room a lot and it overlooks the mountains and a rice paddy! Tomorrow I’m going to grab one of the bikes and spend some time biking around the area. I’d really like to make it to one of the waterfalls. Maybe just relax and read a book near one. I’m slightly concerned about taking the bike too far out of the city in case something happens and I end up stranded somewhere, but I should be ok. I have a feeling I won’t ever be more than a couple miles from a hotel or guesthouse regardless of where I go on the bike so really I should be ok. It really is wonderful to feel so much closer to nature. I liked Chiang Mai because it was in the mountains and less chaotic than Bangkok, but it was still a bustling city with lots going on. This area is way more relaxed and chilled out. I’m very grateful to get to spend a few days here reconnecting with nature, reading books and hopefully doing some writing.

Gratitude List:
This great bungalow in Pai
Being able to read some wonderful stories
Getting closer to some much needed clarity

I’ve had fun biking around Chiang Mai these last few days. It’s a great city!

I’m off to Pai tomorrow. I booked a hotel room that was not really expensive, but more than I should be spending on hotel rooms at this point. I’ve got a backpacker’s budget, but I’m not sure I could survive in a backpacker’s hostel. Oh well, it’s only a few days and then I’ll probably go back to Bangkok and regroup. Actually, I plan to start looking for jobs and researching areas that I’d like to work. I may end up staying in Thailand, or perhaps I’ll go somewhere entirely different. I’ve met some really great people in Thailand so it would be nice to stay closer to them, but I’m also feeling like maybe my time in this country is coming to an end. I’ve certainly got a lot to think about and consider, but I’m sure my path forward will reveal itself soon enough. I’m ready to move on to whatever’s next.

Gratitude List:
Being a bit closer to nature, if only for a few days
All the great people I’ve met in Chiang Mai
Being able to look forward to figuring out what’s next, not dreading it