It’s B’s birthday today. I have been thinking about sending him an email wishing him a happy birthday, but have so far resisted. I was thinking about it last night and it’s not really B that I miss. It’s the intimacy I had with him. I don’t want anything more with him, but I would like to find that with someone else.

I also worked on my resume today. I plan to apply for some jobs tomorrow. I emailed a friend of mine from the CELTA course and asked him to look over my resume and let me know if I should change anything. He’s pretty prompt at returning emails so hopefully I’ll hear back from him tomorrow. I’d like to have someone else take a look before I start sending it off. I was looking at jobs tonight and it really shouldn’t take too long before I get something to fall into place. It’s possible if I apply for a job in a week or two I’ll be gone from Thailand. I have to admit, that’s a really beautiful thought. There was one in Beijing that looked pretty promising. I also saw a few in Saudi Arabia that I kept looking at. I’m pretty sure my mom would murder me if I got a job in the middle east, but I can’t help but think about how damn attractive middle eastern men are. Hmm.

Gratitude List:
Some much needed progress
My departure from Thailand getting a bit closer
Good news for M

I had a strange coincidence this evening. I was trying to find this open mic comedy show in an area of town I don’t normally find myself in. I knew I’d gone too far down the road and had to turn around to look for it. As soon as I turned around I looked up and saw a sign in front of me for the company I used to work for in Mpls. Wow. It was especially odd since I was going to a comedy open mic. Last summer I did an amateur stand up contest where I basically ranted about how much I hated my job for several minutes. It felt great.

I’m supremely grateful to have left the world of soul-crushing corporate work behind me. Mine is worth a shitload more than a crappy paycheck.

Gratitude List:
Food for though
Synchronicities and recognizing them as such
A nice time with S

I think the days of the daily update are over. I’ve gotten quite a bit out of this site and making sure that I update everyday, but I’m not sure I’ll continue. I would like to still do the gratitude list which has become a part of my daily update, so perhaps I will at least to some extent. I’ve started doing The Artist’s Way which has morning pages so I am writing everyday. It’s stream of consciousness and supposed to be done immediately after waking. I plan to continue that for at least a while.

I went to an OA meeting today. The only one in Bangkok actually. The woman who keeps it going is really a saint in my book. I like her a lot and I’m really grateful to have been able to go to the meeting. I plan to make sure I get there next week as well.

Lots of crossfit this week. It’s great to be back.

I also connected with a fellow OAer in Minneapolis. I had a great conversation with her. It meant a lot to me that I was able to speak with her on the phone for as long as we did today. She’s a wonderful person. I’m hoping to make a better effort at reaching out to fellow OA and AA people in Minneapolis. With such a lack in meetings in Bangkok (and probably where ever I end up next) it’ll be a great way to stay close to the fellowship.

Gratitude List:
P keeping the OA meeting in Bangkok going
H talking to me this evening and bringing her perspective to things
A day off from crossfit

I went to Babylon yesterday. For the first while I was able to keep my sense of humor about it, but not long after getting there I was totally over that situation. There were a few hot guys there, but I’m so uncomfortable and shy in those situations nothing was going to happen. I really view the whole place as an obstacle course I walk through while trying to avoid having any contact with any of the other guys there. I really hope that crossfit is able to help me feel better and more confident about how I look and feel. There have been times in the past that I’ve had more confidence. Maybe I can make it back to that.

The other problem is that although I’m horny and want to fool around with guys, it’s really not the intimacy I crave. Today I will work on my résumé. With any luck I can make a quick departure from Bangkok. I’m not sure another city will prove to be any better, but this certainly isn’t the place for me. But, on a positive note, I’ve at least started to hate being in Bangkok less. I still don’t like it, but at least I’m not so focused on how much I dislike it. So, there is that, I guess.

Gratitude List:
A good lunch at the buffet across the street
A nice sleep without a morning alarm
A somewhat nice and peaceful walk through the park

I slept in later today than usual. Actually, I got up, wrote my morning pages and then laid down to give myself a reiki treatment and ended up napping for a while. I had just the strangest dream after falling back asleep. In the first part I was in Rome staying in a hotel somewhere. I think it was Rome. Something strange was going on and I found out the Italians (or some of the Italians) had decided to free all of the spirits at once. I didn’t feel like things would be safe for me in Rome anymore, but it was too late to go anywhere else. In the next part of the dream I was in my childhood home. It was just my mother and I and we decided it was unsafe and we had to hide. We had guns to protect us. We went into my older brothers room and were going to barricade the door. We never actually got the door shut when a big dog (wolf?) just walked right in through the front door. It’s like he had a key and just walked right in to attack is. He was beautiful. I started to shoot him with the shotgun, but he wouldn’t die. He was up close to us and talking to me. I don’t remember what he said. I ran out of shells for the shotgun so my mom handed me a pistol. I shot the dog in the head several times, but he just still wouldn’t die. What a weird dream. I also had a dream at some other point last night and I remember being in my closet in my childhood home. It was a big walk in closet and there was a window in it that had been wallpapered over (the window doesn’t really exist in real life).

It’s not often that I have alarming dreams. I hope it signifies that something important in my psyche is shifting, falling away. Hmm.

Gratitude list:
Some extra sleep
Crossfit
Having the motivation to get some work done

I have been dwelling on how much I dislike Bkk the past few days. Actually, how much I hate Bkk. I just hate this place.

I know to a large extent we choose our own attitude and by trying to remain positive and optimistic things are better, but I can’t seem to move past thinking about how much I hate this city. It’s like I’m stuck in this one gear and can’t shift into the next. I hope it passes soon. I pray it passes. This isn’t a lot of fun right now. Until then I’ll be looking for jobs in China. If nothing else I can maybe just get the fuck out of here.

Gratitude list:
On being
Making it through the day without assaulting anyone
Moving past and moving on

Today was littered with disappointment. Not monumental, life changing disappointment, but disappointment none-the-less. I made it to the gym this morning and went through a “wow do I ever hate Bangkok” state the whole 30 minute walk to the gym. Afterwards I came home and practiced reiki for a bit and relaxed. There is a lunch buffet down the street that I went to which was really the only bright spot in my day. I’ve been meaning to check it out for a while. Now that I have it very well may become a fixture of my day. It was good and very reasonably priced.

After the buffet I got a 2 hour thai massage which was way more pain than pleasure. There’s usually a nice balance. The guy was certainly rougher with me than I’m used to, but I still fear that crossfit (and being sore from working out) will have forever ruined thai massages for me. I guess I’ll have to start getting more oil massages when I feel the need for one. I certainly don’t want another massage like the one I got today.

After the massage I went to a mall and watched the new Percy Jackson movie. It wasn’t as entertaining as I’d hoped it would be. I was really looking forward to getting lost in the movie, but found myself underwhelmed with the experience. Oh well.

Tomorrow is a new day. I plan to stay positive and hope that things turn out better.

Gratitude List:
Getting to bed earlier and hopefully maintaining more normal wake/sleep hours
Lunch Buffet
Feeling sore from working out

I went to my first crossfit class in Bangkok yesterday. It went well. I signed up for the next month so I’m planning to go to the 10 am class in the morning. I figure that way I’ll get out of bed at a decent hour and feel like I have more of a day. When I stay awake into 3 or 4 am and then sleep until noon or 1 pm my days feel awkward. I’d like to feel like I’m on track as far as life goes… This should help.

I also signed up for a writing class last night. I figure if I decide to apply to grad school I’ll need some writing samples which I don’t really have at this time. I do have some ideas for things I could write to submit which I’ll probably want to do as well. The class itself is about writing from intense personal experience. I’ve got some things to work through so hopefully I can get some of that out. Ideally I’ll be able to write about some of my past and then move on from it. Put it on paper and share it with a class so it’s no longer swirling around in my head and on here. Get it out in the open, so to speak.

Gratitude List:
A good lunch buffet
Crossfit
Reiki

I’m really tired now. Not because I should be tired, but rather because I took some Dramamine so that I’ll fall asleep. I feel I’ve been productive today, but I haven’t really done much of anything.

I signed up for a crossfit class tomorrow. I plan to bring enough money to pay for a month’s membership. It shouldn’t be tough to join for a month and then quit. Even if I only use it for 2 weeks, I figure it’s worth it. I can’t just sit around not exercising. Crossfit will also (hopefully) prove to be a good way to meet some new people in Bangkok. I could use some friends that aren’t from this gay app I’ve been using. Normal people where the sexual component doesn’t play into it. I really liked the other crossfitters I met in Mpls so hopefully Bangkok will prove the same. Ok, time to sleep so I can wake up for the class in the morning.

Gratitude List:
A delicious meal (love pork neck!)
A reason to get up in the morning
Figuring out some computer stuff to hopefully move forward with things

When I left the house yesterday morning I was in this state I haven’t felt before. I’ve heard it described by people as a protective, covered feeling. I at once felt a part of the universe, but at the same time felt there was a distance between everything I saw and felt. It was wonderful! Unfortunately it didn’t last forever. It seemed once I really started interacting with the friend I met at the mall it went away. I lost my sense of being.

It feels like everything is swirling around me and coming together in a way I’d only hoped. It’s not quite there yet, but I can feel it headed in that direction. Hopefully it won’t be too long before it all comes together. If nothing else, I’ve certainly enjoyed the process of getting there.

I sat down at this restaurant a minute ago. They were playing Sarah Mclachlan’s “Angel” when I sat down. I then saw a license place on a motorbike that was “268” both very auspicious signs from the universe for various reasons. I think tomorrow will be a wonderfully enlightening day. I’m looking forward to a chat I’ve set up with JC.

Gratitude List:
B and possible freelancing work
Getting to chat with S this morning
A world without alarms, again