We tried, and failed, to make the Great Wall happen today. Instead we wandered around the Forbidden City which was really fun. Tomorrow we are getting picked up in the morning to go to the Great Wall. I’m looking forward to it.

At dinner tonight I let it slip that I’ll be leaving China relatively soon. I’m glad that I’ve finally told my parents. I now have a pit in my stomach like maybe I’m making a terrible decision, but that should pass soon enough. I know this is the right thing for me to do. It’s still been a difficult decision, despite that knowledge.

I’m hoping to make it to a meeting tomorrow. It looks like the clubhouse in Beijing is not far from where I’m staying. I’ll have to take the subway, but it shouldn’t take too long to get there. The meeting is at 7 am which will give me enough time to make it back here before 9 am when we are getting picked up.

I’ve been living a pretty risk-free existence for a while. It’s time I start taking more risks. Starting with leaving China and trying for something different. I can’t just continue trying to stay safe and not taking risks – both with jobs and with dating. I want to love and I want to find meaningful work. I’ll never be satisfied taking the safe road and not at least trying for something more. Sure, I’ll maybe fail. I could also succeed. Or, taking this risk could lead me to something else that is a better fit for me.

I know teaching English in China isn’t something I want to do anymore. I don’t like living in China or teaching. It’s tough to leave the security of it all, but it’s the right thing to do. I know it’s the right thing to do and I’m happy that I made this decision.

There’s got to be something more. I’ve got to try and find it. I can’t just accept what is and live out the rest of my life complacently doing things I don’t like and not fully living. I refuse to play that game anymore.

Here’s to finding my dreams and a life well-lived!

I had an exhausting day walking around Beijing with my parents. It was a lot of fun. We went to Tiananman Square and walked around the Forbidden City. The buildings in the Forbidden City were all closed because it’s Monday, which we didn’t know before getting there. It was still fun. We also have a few more days so we can go back and go through a building or two.

I ate a delicious steak for dinner. It was the first real steak I’ve had in China. I’ve got like 10 months worth of dinners to make up for and we started off strong tonight.

Tomorrow we are going to the great wall. I’m really looking forward to it. The great wall should be very interesting.

I also found out the workout room in the hotel has a rowing machine. I used it earlier. What amazing luck!

I weighed myself this morning. I have been feeling (and looking) really heavy lately. I’ve gained some weight and it’s time to rein that in. I don’t plan to go to crazy lengths to do it, but just remaining conscious of my desire to shed a few pounds will hopefully be a start. Thankfully I’ve started getting some regular exercise with the stairs in my apartment building. That will be a great help. I hate feeling fat and I cringe at the thought of having sex with someone the way I look right now. I’ve never been in love with my body (it’s super flabby even when I’m working out a lot), but where it is now is not even remotely acceptable. I’ve got over a month and a half to get in better shape before going to the Philippines. I can make that happen.

I’m super excited about Istanbul. I’m ready to leave China and dating would be something I could explore in Istanbul. I’m still tentatively thinking I’ll go to the Philippines for a month first, but it’s possible that will fall through. Those plans are not much more than tentative right now. I’d like for it to work (I think), but we’ll see. Regardless, Istanbul will be amazing.

I want to start writing more. I’d like to try to write a book or a series of short stories. I would love to get more serious with my writing and see where I can try to take that. It could turn out to be a pipe dream. Nothing is assured at this point, but I’ll certainly not getting anywhere if I don’t try. I want to at least be trying. Even if I fail, at least I will have taken a risk and shouldered some vulnerability. Let’s hope for some added energy in regards to it all soon. I feel myself headed in that direction.

Ok, time to bed. I’m certainly going to sleep well.

I am beyond exhausted right now. I finally understand what is meant by the phrase “I can’t think straight.”

Not that I’ve done a lot of straight thinking in my life, but you know.

It was great to see my parents tonight and get to hug both of them. I’m really looking forward to our next few days in Beijing and the Ningbo. It’s going to be a lot of fun bumming around China with them and doing random things. It’ll probably be pretty exhausting, too.

I’m off to bed. There is a big day of sightseeing ahead of me tomorrow!

I really like updating KP again every day. It’s been a very welcome addition to my life.

I had an amazing conversation with C today. I’m extremely grateful we got to connect. We’ve been trying to for the past few weeks, it just hasn’t worked out. We got to talk for an hour and a half and it was so great. I’m grateful to have such an amazing person like her in my life even if we don’t get to connect as often as we used to. I’m sure our paths will cross again the future – probably in a pretty significant way, too.

I write a prayer to God every night. I’ve been doing it for a couple months. Tonight is the first night I’ve made the statement that I want to be saved. I can’t believe I’ve been writing prayers for months now and this is the first time I’ve actually said I want to be saved. It’s certainly a turning point in my life. Especially considering how long I not only didn’t want to be saved, but I didn’t want to go on living. I’m so glad that God has found a way into my life and that I can trust him to do for me what I cannot to do for myself. He is my rock, my savior and my guiding light.

C sent me a really great text the other day. She said: You have all the resources you need to take the next step. It’s so true, too. I get so caught up in what the step after the step 4 steps down the line might be. I forget that I don’t need to know how everything is going to work out. I just need to know that it is working out. And really, it is working out. The next step is going to Istanbul. That’s the only step I need to worry about taking right now.

I feel like I had to lose something very precious to me in order to appreciate it even more once I’ve gotten it back. I’ll never take the love in my heart for granted again. It’s a gift from God that I must cherish, appreciate and share every day. I plan to do that going forward. Woohoo!

My legs are sore from running up and down the stairs in my apartment building for an hour yesterday. It’s a really beautiful feeling. I haven’t had the pleasure much in the last year of feeling physically sore from exercise. My knees also don’t hurt too much today. I’m really hoping to keep this up going forward. I’ve got to get myself back into better shape if dating in Turkey is going to maybe happen.

I woke up today feeling much better about my situation and life. I emailed a friend of mine that’s practiced Reiki on me a couple times and wonder if she didn’t send a little something my way. I got a nice email back from her. I’m hoping we can connect the next time I’m in Minnesota and I plan to stay in touch with her going forward.

I had a great idea this morning! I’m going to email a few of my NYC Reiki people about getting a small group of us to send distant treatments to each other. I would really benefit from getting into the habit of sending treatments, but also from receiving distant treatments. I’ve got some major changes that will take a lot of my energy and every little bit will help. I’m tired now, but tomorrow I should be able to dig up an old email with everyone’s email address. I should be able to find at least one other person who will commit to a weekly Reiki trade. If a few people are interested we can switch up who’s sending treatments to whom every week. I’m excited to make this happen!

Tomorrow is Saturday and then Sunday evening I’m heading to Beijing to meet my parents. I can’t believe that’s happening already! It feels like we’ve been talking about this forever and now it’s basically upon us. My parents will be leaving on their terribly long journey Saturday morning. I’m so excited to see them! I don’t even care if we do anything. I just want to hang out and be around them for just over a week. Of course we’ll do some sightseeing, but it’ll just be nice to be in the same room as them. What a gift.

I’m really hoping to make it M and M’s wedding in December and then back to Minnesota for Christmas. I have no idea what I’ll do after that, but we’ll see. I’m also trying to decide if going to the Philippines is the right decision. I’ll have to meditate and ask for guidance on that.

9 minutes go!

I sent an email to S and told him I can’t commit to a teaching job in Shanghai. It was really hard to do, but I feel better now that I’ve closed that door. There’s something really amazing and great coming my way. I can feel it and I’m willing to throw a lot of uncertainty and vulnerability into my path in order to find it. I’m very excited.

I have to go to Istanbul. My gut instinct is telling me it’s where I must go. I still don’t know how I’ll support myself when I get there (or if I’ll even try), but I’m going. It’s been decided. I had joy and humor in Minneapolis and in NJ, but I’ve lost that since moving abroad. In Thailand and now China I’ve gotten a lot more serious about my situation and worked through many things that were looming in my past and following me around. I’m grateful I’ve been able to spend the time looking inward and making peace with those things. I feel like I’ve lost the funny, humorous side I used to have. I want to get that back. I’m going to get that back. I’ve found my serious, honest side, but now I’d like to meld the serious and the funny.

I’ve started asking for help. It’s a key component in realizing change. It’s not something that comes easily, but I’ve learned that when I ask for help it’s always given.

I felt such a connection to spirit this morning. Like everything was working out just fine and that I didn’t have to worry about how I’m going to support myself going forward when this job ends. I had such faith that I would work at the freelance writing and things would fall into place. At some point today, I lost that connected feeling. I started to feel doubt that maybe things won’t work out; that maybe I should take another teaching job in Shanghai for a while to earn some money and be in a better financial situation. One thing I need to do is keep reminding myself that as long as I follow my heart everything else will work out. My heart says it’s time to leave China and strike off to a new place with new goals. As difficult as it is to trust that things will work out, especially when it comes to the financial aspect of it all, I’ve got to maintain hope and the belief that as long as I follow my heart all else will be taken care of. Something will pop up. It might not be doing what I expected or hoped it would, but something will pop up. Another teaching job is not the way for me to go.

I took some time to look at the writing website and started to feel overwhelmed. Like there is just so much to do and I don’t want to do it. It’s really not that difficult though. The steps and process are pretty straightforward. It just involves me putting myself out there and taking a lot of risks.

I’m tired and planning to head to bed early. Maybe I will get up in the morning and look at the freelance writing stuff again. I’m grateful that I got done with 1 of my 3 presentations this week. I’m also really looking forward to seeing my parents on Sunday. I can’t believe that it’s only a few days away.

I have to use a VPN to write an update on here because wordpress is blocked in China. I don’t actually have a VPN so I visit one that offers a free trial every night. Lately it’s only been giving me 10 minutes of time for the free trial. Tonight it gave me 20 – looks like it’s time for a party! Woohoo!

I do not believe in reality. None of what I see around me is real. This world that I appear to inhabit is not real. What I see with my eyes, hear with my ears and the sensations I feel with my body are not real. I think the world in which we live has been constructed to give us humans the impression that we are living in a real world. I really want to learn more about this and develop this thought further. I highly doubt I’m the only one that’s come to this same conclusion. I hope to get the opportunities to explore this further in the future. I have a feeling I will. And with any luck, that day won’t be too far away. Here is what I wrote earlier today while thinking about all of this:

I find it sad that we, as humans, have this incarnation on Earth as conscious, carbon based energy and so many don’t know what it means to feel alive. To be alive and to act like the living. We have this lifetime, possibly future and past ones already lived, in order to feel and experience joy in our human hearts. To love, to dance, to feel the wind and the energy of the universe on, in and through our bodies, yet many refuse to take advantage of it. I certainly did for a long time while I refused to live my life. I’m not going to make the same mistake going forward.

That’s really how I feel about it. And despite the belief that none of this is real, I still have to play the game. At least for now. I need an income, I need money and a place to rest my head at night. I do need to continue playing this game, but I don’t need to believe in the game. And this knowledge will certainly influence the way I choose to live the rest of my life. Truths can be hard, but they are also a path to liberation. A liberation that I’m finding and developing through a better understanding of the world (or rather the illusion of the world) around me. I will awaken from this dream eventually. Sooner or later I’ll be able to see with more clarity. It may not be in this current incarnation, but it will happen.

I will not remain a prisoner forever. Freedom is at hand.

I had a really great day. I’ve mostly just spent it by myself, doing whatever.

I got up this morning and spent a long time doing morning pages. I think it took me 53 minutes because I wrote out both pages backwards with my right hand. I have gotten in the habit of writing one page right handed and backwards and then switching to my left hand so that second page goes faster. I like writing backwards. I’ve noticed that my brain has started reading things from left to right and right to left. Instead of just seeing things and automatically processing them from the left to right the way we normally read, my mind looks at them both ways. This is especially noticeable with numbers since it doesn’t matter what way they go. Words can’t normally be read backwards and still be words.

It was gorgeous out today in Ningbo. Like upper 70s. I left my apartment with the intention of just walking around outside for a minute and paying a bill at the bank, and I ended up walking down to a river a little ways away and running for a while there. I greatly enjoyed the run. I haven’t run outside (or at all, actually) in a long time. It was really nice. And my knees didn’t hurt at all while running. I probably only ran for 30 minutes total and stopped to walk a few times while running. It was so nice to be out in the sun on a clear day and running. Tomorrow is also supposed to be quite warm and sunny so I’m hoping to make it out for another run along the river. What a gift that was.

I’d hoped make some significant headway on some of the bootcamps in the Den, but I only ended up watching one episode. My mind has been processing a lot of information about writing and going about finding clients so I really think I’ll get there, but I had higher hopes for my productivity today. I’m going to spend some time working on it again tomorrow. I might just have to read the bootcamp transcripts instead of listening to the hour long conversation. Reading it is much faster than listening. It would be nice to get through the whole bootcamp I started today before the end of the weekend. I’m not feeling stressed about time or getting this done, but I need to continue to make progress and I don’t seem to find much time during the week to get it done. I’m hoping to spend more time during this coming workweek looking at everything, especially considering the week after my parents will be here so probably nothing will get done that week.

Ok, my 10 minutes is basically up. Later KP!

Ok, only 9 minutes for an update. Let’s do this!

I had a really nice night. A bunch of teachers and other foreigners in Ningbo got together for a going away party for two of the teachers at our school. They are a couple and heading to the States. It was nice to be around people just hanging out. I felt pretty socially awkward at times, but it really wasn’t so bad. And after dinner we went to a bar and sat outside by the river on a patio. I mostly just sat and listened everyone talk. It was nice to feel like I was part of a group again. And that I didn’t need to contribute or be the center of attention. I could just sit and enjoy it for what it is.

I also saw something really funny on the walk home from work. Someone had put a cat and a dog in a cage together and the dog was humping the cat. I found it to be hilarious and took a video of it. Of course I showed everyone at dinner.

I’m at a really weird place with this God stuff. The last two days I’ve prayed in the morning and asked for different things and my prayers have been answered. Today I woke up with the thought “There’s gotta be an easier way” running through my head. Actually, yesterday I woke up with that same thought. My intuition told me to text the guy I met in Bangkok who does a lot of freelance type work and he basically immediately told me if I go to the Philippines I can stay with him for a month and he’ll show me how to do it. It’s like the kindest offer ever. He also seems to be at a really great place in life and how he feels about everything. I’m planning to go once I leave China. I can’t imagine turning down an offer like that. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with this writing and making an income online so it’s great to have this amazing offer to have someone who’s figured it out walk me through it. I’m super excited about it. I think it’ll be a real learning experience for me. I’ve still got to message him back, but I’m planning to tell him I’ll go and hang out for awhile.

Ok, so that just took me 7 minutes. Awesome! I’m tired and can’t wait to go to bed. It feels like a really well deserved rest.

Oh, I almost forgot: While I was on the bus going to meed the others tonight, the thought “you know none of this is real” popped into my head. I take it to mean the world around me. I don’t think any of this is real. Anyway, later KP.