All in all today was pretty uneventful. It felt nice, though. It felt like I was slipping into the energy of the universe at times. It wasn’t overwhelming or euphoric; it felt comforting and relaxed.

I’m grateful I don’t have to work tomorrow. I am excited to have a weekend off and a few more days to relax. It’s been difficult to make it through my classes lately. This week was especially hard after having all of last week off and knowing that it is a short week. I don’t have many weeks left teaching and I hope they go well. I certainly don’t want to suffer through the end of it.

There are a lot of changes that are going to happen in my life, again. I’m excited for them. I’m looking forward to being on a different continent and in a different country. I think that Istanbul will be a really wonderful place for me. And if I don’t like it I can always just leave.

I have a suspicion that some of the changes that are headed my way are going to be spiritual changes. I can feel something inside me changing, morphing into something different. I feel calm about it all and welcome any changes along the spiritual side of things. I feel like I’m on the cusp of something, but that the other side is primarily unremarkable. I don’t imagine it’s going to be a lightning bolt that drastically alters my sense of reality, but rather a slow, sweeping out into the same sea I’ve been bobbing in for the last year and half. Lost or found, I’m not sure it even makes a difference anymore. They seem to be becoming nearly one and the same.

It’s a short week at work because we have Saturday and Sunday off. Saturday and Sunday also happen to be our busiest teaching days so a lot of time on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday is spent preparing for these classes. Since we don’t teach this week, and don’t have to prepare, the last two days at work have just dragged on. Today was no different.

I went and got a foot massage over lunch. It was a guy that gave me the massage and he kept talking to me in Chinese the whole time. He was adorable. And even though I don’t speak a word of Chinese, he just kept asking me questions for over an hour. I’ve been keeping people at bay lately – especially when it comes to intimacy, but spending so much time with this cute Chinese guy got me all turned around in the head. I downloaded jack’d which is an app that’s popular with Chinese guys and started chatting with some tonight. I really just wanted to have someone come over to fool around with, but really I’d like a lot more than that. I did end up chatting with one guy who I’ll hopefully meet soon. I was horny so the conversation went to a place it wouldn’t normally go, but I’d gladly meet him for something outside the bedroom. And who knows, maybe when I wake up tomorrow I’ll be over it and decide I no longer want to meet someone. I guess we’ll see. It would be nice to fool around with someone again. The last experience I had didn’t go very well – the guy was this worked out Chinese guy who spends a ton of time in the gym and I ended up feeling extremely self-conscious of my out of shape, flabby body.

I’m actually starting to feel better about my body, too. I’m not sure if it was the breakdown a few days ago when I felt like I couldn’t go on looking the way I do, or if the stairs and trying to eat better has finally started to produce some results, but I do feel better about it and I’m gaining some confidence back. I’m also feeling in a better place mentally and able to put myself out there more and get rejected without having it bother me as much. I’m not sure if that’s going to last forever, but I plan to enjoy it while it’s here.

I had an interesting day of conversations with people. I like having conversations with people.

The first was lunch with another teacher. It was just the two of us which made it a little easier to talk about real stuff. So often we are in a group and the conversations end up remaining more topical. I enjoyed opening up to him and sharing some of my hopes and dreams for the future and hearing more about his. Those conversations are so wonderful.

I also called my grandma. I talked to her for 24 minutes which is most certainly breaking some kind of record. She’s not one to spend long periods of time talking on the phone.

The final conversation was with a guy I know from AA back in Minnesota. I’ve never spoken to him outside a meeting, but he’s an interesting guy and the conversation touched on a wide range of topics. I really enjoyed the conversation with him. It was especially refreshing since the walls come down so quickly in conversations with AA people. We quickly got down to the heart of the matter and spoke our truths on a number of things. I learned from the conversation and it piqued my interest in other things. It also gave me a better idea of why I may be getting called to Istanbul. And I know I’m being called there. There’s a reason I’m going. That reason may not be clear right now, but I know in my heart I’m meant to grow and learn there. It’s a place I expect to provide a crucial stage of my development. Development. What a funny word.

I’m exhausted now.

I only briefly left my apartment today. I spent most of the day sitting at my desk drawing and watching things on my laptop or listening to music.

I spoke to L this morning which was good. We talked about the art and tried to come up with a strategy as to how I could make some money from it. I’m trying to get over the idea that the art I create isn’t actually worth anything. It’s getting better and I like it. I’m sure there are other people who would like it, too. I’m not sure that means there would be people willing to pay me to create it for them, but that’s not something I’d actually know until I try.

I think that my best strategy, and the one that’s most likely to create a return on my investment of time, would be to spend at most 3-4 hours on each drawing. When I spend a lot of hours on them I never like them quite as much. They end up being too intricate and just feel cluttered. I’ve also got to get better at including more white space and becoming comfortable leaving parts of the drawing blank.

I like both the drawings I completed today. They are very different from each other. Neither is overly complex, nor did they take much time (maybe 3 hours each). They’re cool, though, and it’s really neat to have produced something that’s quite different from the things I’ve been producing. I like seeing the progression and being able to look at the evidence that I’m getting better at this and that I can expect them to continue getting better as I work at it.

I’m still not convinced I could support myself solely from drawing, or that I could sell any of them, for that matter, but I’m willing to try to at least supplement my income with it. I’ve got to try something outside of the box. And who knows, once I start putting my name out there as an artist and a writer there could be other connections made that help me develop into next steps. It’s all a process and I have to trust in that process. I’m learning to do that.

I’m nearly at wits end right now. I can’t stand to be this fat for even a moment longer. I feel so gross and disgusting right now. I haven’t even eaten that much today. I ran up and down the stairs in my apartment building for an hour and I still feel like the grossest person on earth. I’m having a hard time pinpointing just what the problem is. I mean sure, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight this past year, but it’s not like things have changed that dramatically from a week ago. Not that I was happy with things a week ago, but you know.

I’ve always tried to control things I have no control over with my eating disorder. I’m also entering this period where there are a lot of unknowns and a shitload of uncertainty. If I was a betting man (which I am) I’d guess that the reason I’m so focused on my discontent with my body right now is because of all the uncertainty I’ve got in my immediate future. I’m not too worried that the compulsive eating disorder behavior will surface, but I can’t completely count it out. I’ve not felt this degree of dissatisfaction in years. Tomorrow I will be attending an online OA meeting. I looked a few minutes ago and there appear to be many online meetings every day.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new perspective towards my weight and body image. I certainly can’t handle it getting any worse.

I said goodbye to my parents at the airport this morning. It was tough. I think I’ll see them again next Christmas, but I can’t say with certainty that things will work out that way. I had a great time with them while they were here. I’m grateful to enjoy such a good relationship with them and will forever cherish the memories of their trip to China.

I’m also stuffed up and feeling sick. I think it’s allergies, but I might have a cold as well. It’s not super fun. Boo!

Ok, enough of the pity party. Tomorrow I’m going to attend an online OA meeting and hopefully wake up with a new perspective on my weight. It’s going to get better, I just have to give it time. I know that and believe it to be true, but it’s still difficult to not try something drastic – like starving myself, to drop some weight as quickly as possible. This is uncomfortable and gross. I also can’t help be believe there’s something in the food that simply doesn’t agree with my body and is making it difficult to get this weight under control. Hmm.

Today was the last day with my parents in China. We are getting up early in the morning and heading straight to the airport where I’ll say goodbye. I’m not sure when I’ll see them again; I’m tentatively thinking I’ll be back in the United States for Christmas next year, but everything is up in the air as far as future plans go. It’s tough to say goodbye especially knowing that it’s going to be another 8 months or so (at the earliest) before I see them again.

I’ve greatly enjoyed my time with them in China. It’s going to be so strange (and hard) to say goodbye to them tomorrow. I’m really enjoying living abroad right now and getting these varied experiences. I think I’ll land back in the US within the next couple of years, perhaps sooner, but right now traveling and living abroad is the right thing for me. I’m so excited about my next step and seeing where the world takes me.

I’m starting to think I’ll maybe go straight to Istanbul and skip the Philippines. I’d love to see Brian and get some advice on how to do this online stuff, but I’m feeling pulled to Istanbul as soon as possible. A layover in the Philippines would be fun, I’m sure, but I’ve really got to meditate on it and see if that’s the right thing for me right now. At this point my gut is saying just get to Istanbul and see how everything else settles. I’ve got some time to mull it over and get some more information on how it all is going to shake out. I’m feeling antsy about getting some firmer plans down, though. Like nailing down a place to stay for a few months and getting flights booked. I’m still in no hurry, but this week I’ve got to start looking at my time frame and coming up with a realistic plan of action.

A part of me is sad about leaving China and the friends I’ve made here. Another part of me is really excited for the future adventures I’ve got in store. I’m hoping to find joy soon. After that everything else should fall easily into place.

I really didn’t feel like logging into this for an update tonight, but I’m trying really hard to get back in the habit of doing one every day again because I think it was really helpful. I guess I’ll just keep it short tonight.

I had a nice day with my parents. We went to Tianyi Library in Ningbo. I’d never been there, but it was very interesting. I actually hadn’t quite realized how much historic shit there is to do in the city. I have a few more things I’d like to check out before leaving in May now. I’ll have to get on that.

My sex drive was a bit dormant for a while, but it seems to be coming back. I think this is good. I don’t really want to hook up with people so much. I’d really like to go on some dates and just see. I think my general level of horniness may override my dissatisfaction with my body and allow me to get naked with someone. It’ll definitely be good motivation to eat right and continue getting adequate (or more) amounts of exercise. I’d like to be in a better position body image wise when I get to Istanbul so I can hit the ground dating. Yay!

Last day with the parents in Ningbo tomorrow. It’s going to be really, really strange when they leave.

A little over a year ago I was in the midst of a breakdown. Well, really, it was a breakdown/spiritual experience. I guess maybe they are all one and the same. At least for me that seems to be true.

As part of this breakdown, I found love and I found God. I also met a guy I allowed myself to be vulnerable to. I’ve never done that before. I’d like to do it again.

Things didn’t work out with him, but I have a beautiful memory of the time we spent together. Istanbul was wonderful and I’m grateful to have had that experience. I can feel something stirring inside me again. A desire, a need, to love and to try. A willingness to allow myself to be vulnerable to a guy again. I haven’t felt that willingness for such a long time.

I also feel myself being pulled back to Istanbul. I’m not sure what I’ll find there, but I’m hoping it’s joy. I think I could find that here, too, in a way. I just think it’ll be better in Istanbul and more conducive to making my dreams come true. A year ago I made a wish in front of a Medusa sculpture that is coming true. I’m living this fun, miraculous life traveling and living abroad. I didn’t even realize it was happening until not that long ago. Apparently dreams do come true.

I had another great day with my parents. It’s so nice to see them and to be able to spend this time exploring China. It’s also opened my eyes up a little more about this place in which I live. It’s a crazy, chaotic place, but it’s home for at least another month and half. I’d might as well make the most of it and try to find whatever joy in every day I possibly can.

I also plan to really tackle this exercise and weight issue so that when I land in Istanbul I feel better about my body and how I look. I know it’s never going to be perfect, but I also know that given a little effort I can at least feel good enough about things that sex and dating will be options. Right now I’ve basically taken both of those things off the table. I don’t want them to be off the table anymore.

I’m looking forward to another nice day tomorrow. I’m not sure what we’ll do, but whatever it is I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. It’ll be hard to see my parents leave again knowing they’ll be going home and they’ll be so far away again, but this is the way it is for right now and I can live with that. I’m grateful for the time I’ve gotten to spend with them in China.

I can’t get the VPN I use to access wordpress to work… so here I am.

It blows my mind I live in a country that restricts its citizens speech. Wow. What a clusterfuck.

My parents and I had a great day today. We went to the Temple of Heaven and then to the 798 Art Zone. Both my parents found a few things to buy. I’m grateful they found some souvenirs and I like what they bought.

We are going to Ningbo tomorrow. I’ve enjoyed our time here in Beijing, but I’m glad we’ll have a few days in Ningbo before they leave. Ningbo will be pretty laid back because there isn’t as much to do. I’m looking forward to it.

And with that I’m off to bed. I’ll have to get up early to to catch our flight. Blergh, another early morning. I’ve done the 7 am meeting the last two days and would like a day to just sleep. Not sure when that will happen, but I’m sure it won’t be too long.

I’m excited for these next few months. I think some really great things are going to happen. I anticipate finding joy relatively soon. The last couple days I’ve been having some different thoughts. Mainly about how I don’t think this reality in which I currently reside is real. I have come to the belief I (or we?) live in a simulation of some sort. I’m ok with this. It doesn’t really change anything except for how I view the world. I’ll still try to be a good person and find purpose and meaning to my life the same as I would have without the realization. I have a feeling that’s coming.

Today was phenomenal. I went to a meeting in the morning and one of the guys there mentioned he knows of someone who’s always looking for finance people in Manila. I don’t think I really want another finance job, but I’d consider it depending on the situation and what the job would entail. I’m leaving everything on the table at this time. And who knows, maybe it would prove to be a really great opportunity. I’ll keep an open mind and see if it leads anywhere.

After the meeting we got picked up and went to the Ming Tombs. It was a really interesting area and I enjoyed going through the underground palace. That was a fun stop. Next we went to the Mutianyu section of the Great Wall. That was by far the highlight. It was so cool! And I really enjoyed walking up and down all the steps with my parents. I’m glad we decided to go there and that it worked out so well. The guy we met who drove us was really friendly and interesting, too. What a perfect guide.

I walked all the way to a section of the wall that was really high up on the mountain and led to an area that was basically crumbling. While there, I could hear someone behind me yelling. I would have kept going a bit further, but I figured I should head back and see what was going on. When I got back to the area she was screaming and said that her father had fallen and hit his head. He was lying on the ground with blood around him and was definitely unconscious. I left my phone with a guy up there and ran back down the hill to try to get help. I made it back to one area and was able to use a woman’s phone to call the police. They sent some people up the hill, but it probably took them an hour and a half to get there because they had to walk. I didn’t go back. I maybe should have, but I don’t know CPR and really couldn’t have done anything aside from trying to comfort the girl. I have no idea if her father lived or died. I hope that he lived and that she is doing ok tonight. I tried to help, but it was hard to not be able to do more. My heart goes out to her and her family.

Makes me grateful to have such a good relationship with both of my parents.