I’m sitting on my parents’ couch. There are no lights on in the room, but a kitchen light will guide my way out as soon as I finish this. Nelli is snoring on the couch next to me. My dad left for a fishing trip this morning so I didn’t get to see him, but we celebrated Father’s day yesterday.

I got here in the morning and went for a bike ride. After going around the like once in 39 minutes I decided I should try again and see if I could do it faster. The second time around took me 40 minutes. It was fun. The bike my dad bought a few weeks ago really isn’t very fast. I sit too upright on it and my body acts like a parachute slowing me down as I ride. I like timing myself and seeing if my speed is improving, but I’ll need my bike to really find that out.

I’m getting picked up to go back early in the morning. It’ll be strange to get up so early, but I can always go back to bed when I get home. Or I could drink some coffee and head to the coffee shop to work on some writing. I really need to work on some writing. I just read through some emails that I sent to a friend while I was in India. It was really interesting to read through them and they were actually quite well written. I wish I could learn how to do that when I sit down to write something for a class. I just don’t know how to harness that mood and everything. I’ll have to give that some thought.

It’s been really nice being at my parents’ house. I always enjoy coming here. There’s not much to do, but it’s peaceful (for the most part….J) and relaxing. I really enjoy seeing them and am very grateful to have such a good relationship with them. I really do have some great parents.

I biked around the lake twice again today. When I finished the second time around I thought about going again for a 3rd time, but then went and sat down on the deck and never made it up again to ride. My mom and I then went and ate burritos in town. There was a guy sitting at a table not too far away from us that was totally my type: tall and athletic. His arms were pretty muscular, but overall he was not super beefy. I think I like that body type because it’s the one I always wish I had – the one I’ll never be able to obtain without some kind of surgical intervention. Now that I’ve been putting myself out there on apps again and trying to bike a lot and get in better shape my mind has been roaming to the ‘let’s fix myself with some surgery’ mode. I know it’s something I’ll do eventually, but it feels so far off right now because of all the debt I have and the terrible state of my finances. I hope it’s not too long before I can do it. I feel like there’s this club of attractive men that I’ve never been able to be a part of and I’ll never be able to join because my body simply won’t do what I want it to. Somehow this has got to come to a resolution. I hope it’s not too far off. I want to feel good about my body and how I look.

Gratitude List:

Getting to bike around the lake

A nice day spent with my mom

A change in perspective

I’m feeling a lot of different things right now. The major one is this massive desire to experience this world to the grandest degree possible. I have such a desire to live a full, satisfying life. A part of that includes the need to travel and see the world. I’m starting to feel restless. Or maybe just that my wings have come back. I know it’s good for me to be here right now, but I so want to be traveling and exploring again.

I’m feeling a bit overstimulated. Especially when it comes to guys. I hung out with a nice one last night. He stayed over here. It was … good. I don’t necessarily want to see him again, but he was a nice guy and I enjoyed chatting with him for a long time last night. He came over with the intention of messing around, but then when he got here neither of us made a move and we just talked for a couple hours. It wasn’t until I turned off the lights to go to bed that things heated up. I enjoyed myself. Part of it was definitely this narcissistic falling in love with my personality again. I felt so much more like I used to when I lived in Minneapolis. Funny and on top of my game. It was great. I love that part of me and always enjoy it when it’s on full display. I hope it remains that way. I’ve also got this great desire to love. The idea that I want to love has been running through my head since getting back to Minnesota. That I want to love and that it’s time to love. The other idea that’s started to run through my head these last few days is that there’s a pretty big difference between wanting to love and being able to love. I definitely want to love. Whether I’m capable of doing it remains to be seen. I like to think I can, but I haven’t proven proficient in that regard in the past. We’ll see what happens.

There’s a guy that messaged me on one of the apps last night. I’m feeling overstimulated because of the attention I’ve been receiving from guys on the apps (and a little in person). I haven’t been in a situation where I’ve noticed any attention from guys for a while. I’m sure it was there, to some degree, in NYC, but my head wasn’t in a place where I could recognize it. Now that I’m back and feeling better I’m noticing it. This one guy in particular has really gotten under my skin. He’s so cute and ever since he messaged me last night I can feel this primal connection with him even though we’ve just been chatting. He’s sent me some very racy pics which has helped those feelings, but I also feel like it’s deeper than just the desire to have sex with him. I also want to be tender with him and see how that goes. The unfortunate thing is he’s like twenty or twenty-one years old. But there’s just something about him and I feel this unmistakable, palpable connection with him. Who knows, maybe we’ll meet and it’ll all go to shit. But maybe we’ll meet and it won’t. It’s too soon to tell. He’s held off on getting together because he doesn’t want to just hook up. I would have met him tonight, but he said he was too horny for that. It would be nice to meet him for coffee and get to know him and see if there’s a connection in person. I know if we just jump in bed it’ll be on to the next person for both of us. That seems to be the nature of those interactions anyway.

I went to a humorous essay class tonight. It was interesting. I wrote yesterday. I sat at the coffee shop down the street and actual words came out and I was able to put them on the page. At the time I really liked what I was writing and thought it did a great job capturing the essence of my feelings, but when I read it today it seemed to fall flat. I am going to look at it some more tomorrow and hopefully adjust it. Or just scrap it. It wouldn’t need to be totally scrapped because in writing it I learned how to put the jokes down on the page. I know I could do a better job of highlighting them, but if I write it again I’ll get all the jokes down in a different way. I’ve got so much I want to write about and express. It’s difficult, but focusing on doing it is definitely something that would keep me interested for a while. I like a challenge. I also like my writing teacher from tonight. The class is only this week and next. I’d really like to impress her with some writing and if I send her some she’ll give me feedback on it. I’m going to work further on this piece and maybe some others and then send her some writing. I’d love to get her feedback. Especially if I’m able to produce something of decent quality. That part is a little more iffy, but it’ll come. I’ve got a lot to say and with any luck at least a little bit of talent.

My mom and I drove by some condos that are for sale. It would be so convenient for me if they bought one, but I just don’t think I can commit to living in it long term. But, to have a place to come back to in Minneapolis would be beyond amazing. We’ll see. My gut tells me my parents’ are going to buy one within the next few months with or without my commitment to living there. I do love Minneapolis though and could see myself staying here a while. It’ll all work out. It always does.

I biked along the river road today for a long time. It was a beautiful day! And now I’ve got to get to bed. I’m so tired and done vomiting on the page. I think I got everything out that needed to come out. This felt good!

Gratitude List:

Opportunities that are on the horizon – somehow, someway my life is happening

Being in an emotional and physical daze because of an extremely good looking guy

Half full or half empty – shit’s changing and I’m happy about it

I can’t believe I haven’t written an update since I moved into this apartment nearly two weeks ago. Ugh, I’ve got to do a better job of popping in here and banging out a quick update. I went to a coffee shop today with the intention of doing some writing. It’s funny when I come on here I don’t put much thought into any of it. I just quickly get something down and then I’m done. When I was sitting in the coffee shop this afternoon it was like pulling teeth to get anything down on the page. I finally did start trying to write something, but had to leave shortly after that. It was a little disheartening, but I’m not going to give up. I signed up for a two week workshop on humorous essays that I need to get something written for. I don’t understand how it could be so hard – I’m funny and can cull a lot of things from my old twitter and ‘funny’ notes section. I’m going to give it some work tonight before I go to bed. That way if I write some more tomorrow I will hopefully at least have something to bring in to the class on Thursday. It’s so great to be doing things again!

I went to the Zen center tonight. It was great. I met with a teacher this afternoon and then attended the intro thing. I couldn’t get this song out of my head while he was going over stuff. It’s interesting. The song’s lyrics are very poignant for me right now. I’m going to try to get there tomorrow for the actual meditation. I’d really like to start getting there much more frequently. I think it would be a great place for me to learn and get my daily meditation practice back under control. I love meditating.

I’ve been having just the greatest time being back in Minneapolis. Like a really, really great time. I’ve been biking excessively. It’s wonderful! I feel so lucky to be back this summer and to be having this experience. I did recently get 3 flat tires on my bike, but hopefully that has been resolved. The people at the bike store were really nice and only charged me for the first flat and then a couple bucks for something they did today. I appreciate all their help. I seem to bike to uptown all the time. It’s even kind of nice I’m 7 miles away from it so that every time I go there I have 7 miles tacked on to the trip that otherwise wouldn’t have been. I figure I biked around 25 miles today. I’d say most days I hit 20-40 miles. My legs have really been feeling it since I’m not used to biking like that, but they’re getting more used to it. Yay! I’ve also lost some weight because of all the biking and can see that my face is taking on a leaner appearance than it had. These are all good things.

I love being here, but I still miss being abroad. And I miss NYC and my East Coast friends. I know this is the best place for me to be right now as far as exploring a lot of things I want to explore – like writing, meditation, art, and men. I’m grateful for this opportunity right now. I have no idea if my feelings towards being here will remain like this, or if in a few months I’ll be feeling stir crazy and like I want to get gone. I’m ok with that. For now this is wonderful. When I think back over the last couple of years this is definitely the happiest I’ve been. That’s a good realization to come to.

I got tickets for a taping of On Being! I’m so excited! It’s next Wednesday and it’s going to be beyond amazing. At least I hope it is. Woohoo! Seeing a show taped has been on my bucket list. I’ve been listening to KT’s conversations for so long now.

Ok, I need to do some writing now. I’ve just got to get something down on the page. If I just get a very rough draft done tonight I can work on revising it tomorrow and Thursday before class. I’m trying to decide if I’m going home this weekend. I don’t really want to. I mean it would be wonderful to see the family, but spending all weekend at their house just seems like a lot. If I could drive there it would be a different story. I guess we’ll see. It is going to be Father’s Day. I will probably go, but I’m enjoying being back in Minneapolis so much. Hmm.

Gratitude List:

Minneapolis and all the great things this city has to offer

Fanatically biking around the city and all the great trails

Signing up for things and delving back into being busy

I biked today. A lot.

I’m in Mpls! I moved into a room in an apartment in Dinkytown yesterday. It feels strange to be living in a building filled with college kids, but I’m so happy to be back in Mpls. And I’ll only be here until mid-August. I can enjoy this place until then.

I did not look for jobs today, although I should have. Even though I didn’t look for jobs, I still feel that today was well spent. It was my first full day back in Mpls! I biked to the lakes, went around all 3 in Uptown, met with JS and then biked all the way to downtown StP. It was beautiful out! I love biking so much and particularly enjoy doing it in this city.

Tomorrow I hope to apply to a couple jobs. I might see a friend in the afternoon, but otherwise my plan is to just hang out and not do too much. I’ll maybe get up and get myself to a meeting, but that’s undecided at this point. There is one at noon I could go to. I almost went today, but time wise it wouldn’t have been the easiest to make it to.

This bed is really comfortable to sleep on. I was worried it would be too soft, but last night I slept very well. I’m hoping for another night of good sleep. And a productive day tomorrow. It’s time to make something happen.

I had a bit of a “whoa, I’m pretty again” moment today. Like I’m just starting to feel so much better about how I look than I have in the past several months (or longer). I mean not that I looked terrible a year ago, but I’m a little tan and have lost a lot of the weight I gained traveling. It’s a good thing. I’m feeling more and more ready to be dating. I’m excited for it, too. Despite the terribleness of the gay community.

Gratitude List:

An uptick in my confidence level

A wonderful day biking around Mpls

Getting to hang out with an old friend

I’m feeling. I’m sitting on a bench on Lake Calhoun. The sky is overcast and gray. I can feel the breeze flow by my ears and see the ripples on the lake in front of me they create. I’m in between appointments to look at rooms and realized I had enough time to walk around the lake. 

It’s so strange being in Minneapolis. I’m excited and not sure I’ll decide to stay, but what a gift these next couple months in my beloved Minneapolis will be. I feel really grateful to have them ahead of me.

I also can feel something growing inside me. A groundswell that’s picking up momentum. A force I cannot, and do not want, to stop. 

I want to love. I want to live a big, grand, fun life. 

I have these very strong, very conflicting desires inside me. One is to be firmly planted in a community, to be around my parents and friends and to have a routine and consistency in my life. The other is to travel, to explore the world and to be as far from routine as possible. I have no idea how I’m going to balance these two desires. It’s possible I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to. I hope to find my freedom, my happiness, my courage, my voice and my love. I want it all.

I can’t help but reflect on the person I am today versus the one I was when I lived here before. I can recognize such a difference inside me. Like I’ve found my core and set firmly planted roots to my soul. A foundation that can’t be broken. It’s such a great understanding I’ve come. And even though I don’t know how it’s going to work out, I know it’s going to work out. Great things are on the horizon!
Gratitude List:

Being back in my beloved Minneapolis

An unstoppable desire to love

Looking forward to what the future holds

I am leaving tomorrow. It’s sad, but I’m also glad that I didn’t decide to stay another week. If I had it would have just prolonged the saying goodbye and the leaving part.

Today M, M, A and I sat around all night and hung out. We ordered pizza and bought a ton of sweets at the grocery store. We played games and talked. It was a great way to spend my last night here. I know it’s possible I’ll be on my way back here soon, but it’s also very possible I’ll decide to stay in Minnesota and not to come back. M, M and A are treasured friends and I’m grateful I got to spend these last few months with them. No matter where I end up, this will remain a good memory for me.

My flight isn’t until the evening tomorrow. It is, of course, late here now. I’ll sleep in and finish packing when I get home. I actually did a lot of it this afternoon which went pretty well. I can fit a lot of stuff in my suitcase and bag, but I know that I’m still going to have to make some choices about what to leave here and what’s not going.

I’m excited to be back in MN. It is sad to leave places and good friends, but I’ve got my family and a whole slew of other friends waiting for me not to mention my beloved Minneapolis. And even though I don’t know how long I’ll stay there – a few months, perhaps years or longer, it will be great to be back for whatever length of time I choose to stay. Summer is always the best time to be in Minneapolis. Yay!

I’ve had these two questions running through my head the past few days:

What is this world, if not for exploring?

What is this life, if not for living?

And with that I’m off to bed.

Gratitude List:

Some big changes tomorrow

Getting to see my family tomorrow evening

A nice night with my NJ family

I have gone through a whole range of emotions this evening. 30 minutes ago I was feeling this intense yet dull sadness. If I had to guess I’d say it’s what people describe as a heavy heart. Right now I feel better. I’m evening feeling hopeful.

I finally had a conversation with M and told her I’m leaving. I’ve been thinking about this since last week and coming to terms with it on my own. I’ve talked to many people in MN and told them I’m coming home, but I haven’t had the conversation with my roommates out here yet. She took it well. I’m really sad to be leaving, but in my heart know this is the best decision for me right now. And, if things work out I might even be coming back here in a couple months.

The sense of loss I feel right now stems from several sources. One is knowing that I won’t be seeing my friends out here regularly anymore and that my time bumming around the city is quickly coming to a close. The other is because my leaving represents another loss – the loss of the hopes and dreams I had when I decided to move out here. It didn’t work out. That’s ok, but emotionally it takes a toll on me as yet another place has proven not right.

I’m excited to be in Minneapolis. I’m looking forward to being around my family and friends again. I’m hopeful that I like the class I’ve signed up for and that I can get some writing done. The last few years have been so reactionary. I’ve been running blind without much of a plan. I have a tentative plan for going back to Minneapolis and what I want to accomplish there. I have hopes and dreams and am finally making more strides towards realizing them. Of course I’m a long ways until they work out, but I’m setting a foundation for the rest of my life (or at least the next few years). I’ve been without a foundation these last few years. I’ve learned a hell of lot about myself and have been able to examine my motivations and let go of issues that were driving me sideways in life, but I haven’t been able to work towards something more in my life (per se). Now I’m going to.

I have hopes. I have dreams. I have ambition and motivation and courage to follow them and see where they lead me. It’s an exciting new era. One I’m ecstatic to explore!

Gratitude List:

Changes. Changes and more Changes.

M, M, A the dogs and everything else I love about this place

Glowing. Or at least the desire to do so.

Oh bloody hell. Motherfucking hell! I can’t say I always love feeling emotions. In fact, at times I wish I still had none. I remember those years I spent numbing them with drugs, alcohol and food. I very much understand why I chose to do that. I can now realize why it’s good to feel things, but I’m not super excited to be doing it. This is hard and uncomfortable.

I’ve finally decided to leave. It’s been a decision I knew was coming, but I’ve been putting off allowing myself to really recognize its significance. Transitions are hard and I definitely don’t readily make them without a push.

I’m ready to be doing something. Anything. I can’t just sit around here anymore. A job isn’t going to materialize. The life I want, and envisioned, when I came back here isn’t going to magically come knocking down my door. I’m going to miss M and M (not to mention A and the dogs) terribly, but it’s time I move on. I need to strive for the life I want to live and cultivating that life. Clinging to this sinking ship isn’t going to get me there.

I spoke to my mom earlier and felt like this is definitely the right decision. I still feel that way, but the impact of the decision has hit me much harder. I’m going back to MN. I’m leaving here and probably within the next couple of weeks. It’s like I had all the time in the world to spend here, but now I’ve barely got any left. It’s strange, but this is definitely the best decision right now. I’m sad to be leaving, but hopeful to find some lasting purpose and enjoyment. I need to build a financially sustainable life that I enjoy living. It’s going to happen and going back to MN is going to allow me to explore that. I’ve got a lot of passion, motivation and the desire to do something with my life. I’m a seeker and curious at heart. Now if only the planets would align and put me in a new direction.

Gratitude List:

A great OA meeting

Clarity, direction and the motivation to make some difficult changes

A loving heart

If I had to choose a mood right now, I’m not sure I could pin down how I feel to accurately pick one. I’m not feeling angry, although I did spend a good portion of the day that way. I’m not feeling sad or depressed, hopeless or forlorn, despite those being moods I have felt today and in the last week. Indifferent? Maybe that’s what I’m feeling. Indifference and a kind of tempered optimism. Like, on the one hand things feel incredibly fucked and that they’re never going to get worked out, but on the other hand I have this strange sensation that they’re going to. And that when they do I’ll be even more grateful that I somehow made it to the other side of all this. It’s also possible I have long period of suffering ahead of me before I feel that way. I hope that’s not the case.

My allergies are killing me right now. I feel like I’ve spent the last several hours rubbing cats against my face even though I haven’t touched one all day. One of the cats, the less despised one to be more specific, found it’s way downstairs earlier and about an hour, hour and a half ago, I started to feel my nose clogging up and my eyes beginning to itch. Now I can’t stop sneezing and my nose is incredibly clogged. I suppose I can say goodbye to the idea of meditating tonight. I did take some allergy medicine when I could tell I was really bothered, but it’s either not kicked in yet or it’s not going to. I hope that it does kick in soon and I can pretend that I live in a world where cats don’t do terrible, terrible things to me.

I finally got confirmation today that I wasn’t hired for the job I was hoping to get. It sucks, but I’m glad to finally know for sure. And even though I didn’t get hired for it, I can still do something neat in the near future. I’ve been thinking more about other things (like going back to China and/or traveling) and plan to really look into those more. I know there’s something out there for me and I can feel myself homing in on it.

When I was in high school I wrote an essay for my college application on wanting to find out who I am. Since I grew up a twin there was always a sameness to my brother and I. Like we were different people, but often times grouped together and viewed the same. Even though we spent a lot of time apart in college doing our own things, I can’t say I left feeling like I had a good grasp on who I was. My college years were also rife with experimentation and struggle which didn’t help. These last couple of years I’ve been able to figure out who I am on a deep level. I understand myself and my motivations so much more than I ever have. And it’s not just that I understand those things about myself, I understand what I need and want and have a clear idea of what I want to pursue going forward in a way two years ago I could only dream of. I still don’t know how it’s all going to work out, but I definitely know what I want to work out and I’m willing to take some risks and pursue things.

Now that this job is definitely not happening I hope I can muster the courage to follow those dreams and passions. The job would have allowed me to explore a lot of different things, but maybe that exploration was on the slow end and I’m meant to catapult myself forward. Maybe the job was just me wanting to lull myself back into a sense of financial security so that I didn’t have to try to take risks and live courageously and put myself out there artistically, but rather me wanting to live a small life again. I don’t know. What I do know is that tomorrow is a new day. It’s a new day that I can choose to use productively – researching things I find interesting, developing and working on a skill like writing or drawing, or exploring options for the future, or it’s a day I can waste not wanting to be engaged in myself and my life. I’ve felt disengaged for the last few days or weeks while I’ve been reexamining and hoping this job works out, but now that it’s officially not going to happen I need to once again work towards making forward momentum on something. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a day I am going to utilize to the best of my ability.

I should also mention I’ve had part of a song running through my head a lot this past week. The lyrics go “someday, we’ll make a dream last.” It’s been going through my head so much lately it’s frustrating. If only I knew how to actually do that. I’d love to make my dreams come true.

Gratitude List:

No longer feeling like I’m in limbo

Some simple truths that were there all along, but not recognized until today

Perseverance and the hope that everything is working out

I’ve had a strange day. I woke up this morning feeling angry about the job I interviewed for last week, but haven’t heard back about. Like I just felt anger directed at that situation and for not getting chosen as someone to hire. I then wrote morning pages and went to CF. On my bike ride home I got a call and realized it was the people I interviewed with last week. I talked to another guy who I hadn’t spoken to briefly and then sent him a list of my references. I was hoping when I saw it was them calling that I was going to get offered the job, but I’m at least still in the running for it. And, I think they’ve probably narrowed it down quite a bit and plan to hire me. At least I hope so. I do know that he called one of my references today and spoke to him for just a moment. With any luck I’ll be hearing back from them in the next day or two and being offered the job. They want to start training people pretty soon so it sounds like the decision is going to be made pretty quickly from this point.

I really do want this job to work out. I’d like to be making money again and I like that I’d also be able to work from home. I also think I’d find the job to be ok and that I’d be pretty good at it. I could be wrong, but my impression so far has been that it would be a good place for me. At least for a while. I’ve had this song running through my head all day. Well, just part of it. The lyrics go “someday we’ll make a dream last.” It’s popped into my head more times than I can count all throughout the day. I have all of these dreams and I want so badly to work towards them, but until I alleviate myself from all of this financial stress I don’t think I’ll make much progress on anything else. This job would hopefully remove that stress and allow me to focus on other stuff. I’ve been laughing and joking around so much more these past few days and I’ve appreciated it so much. I forget how much my sense of humor means to me when it’s not there. It brings me great joy and I’m glad that it’s reappeared lately. I sure hope it sticks around.

Gratitude List:

Reconnecting with my entertaining sense of humor

A hopeful sign on the job front

Pork chops