I am tired. It was a long day at work teaching 4 classes. After work I met with Chris which I really enjoyed. We have such interesting conversations and he’s so smart. It’s always fascinating.

We met at Ganesha and afterwards walked to Starry because I wanted to use my gift card. Starry ended up being open, but the bakery was closed. There is also a restaurant that I wasn’t aware of. We sat and drank this wonderful brown sugar and ginger tea and ate ice cream. It was great and allowed the conversation to continue. I’m really going to miss him. I can hopefully keep in touch. It would be wonderful if he came to Istanbul, too. I could be his tour guide around the city. That would be fun.

God is fucking with me. At least that’s what I’ve decided. It’s time I let go of my past. Really, what I need to do is forgive myself. Songs keep popping up on my ipod that remind me of the time I was crazy and that I still haven’t quite made peace with it all. I have this notion that I need to write a book or something more significant about the experience – at least relay the pain of it to someone else in order to let it go, but in reality I don’t need to do any of those things. All I really need to do is forgive myself and everyone else involved in the matter. I’m ready to forgive myself and let go of those events. It’s something that happened to me, it doesn’t define who I am. Just like a snake sheds its skin, I can shed the past that’s been haunting me all of these years. Something to think about, anyway.

Ok, it’s late and I have to get up early to teach for my last day. I’m extremely grateful I only have 2 classes tomorrow and then I’m done. Dinner afterwards with the other teachers will be nice and then I’ll be gone before I know it. I still have a lot of cleaning and packing to get done, but everything always gets done one way or another so I suppose I don’t need to worry about it too much. And before I know it, I’ll be in Istanbul. Woo hoo! Freedom is at hand. I’m grateful for second chances!

I’m really grateful everyone at work is treating me so much nicer than I’ve treated them. I’ve been a dick at certain times these past few months and have been an even bigger dick the last couple of weeks. Now that I’m needing to rely on people for help getting everything ready to leave China, I’m grateful many are still willing to help me. I lose sight of things at times and act in a way I’m not proud of. It’s something I’ll try to keep an eye on in the future. I’ve recognized the pattern at least. That’s a step in the right direction, I hope.

I feel like I’ve awakened from a trance. These past few months I’ve been telling myself this story about how bad China is, how much I hate working at my school, and blah blah blah. I think I got caught up in all of that and couldn’t find my way out. China really isn’t that bad and the school I’m working for really isn’t that bad. Sure, it’s not been the best place for me to be, but the people are nice and there’s really not a whole lot that’s expected of me as far as work goes. This situation could definitely be worse. I’m not sure how I lost sight of that. I really do need to work on changing the story I tell myself – especially in light of how easy it is for me to get brainwashed by it. I hate it when this happens. It hasn’t happened to this extent for a while. Normally these things don’t last quite as long as it has this time. Something to be aware of, I suppose.

Woo hoo! In less than a week I’ll be in Istanbul. Attractive men, an amazing city to explore, a world class modern art museum and a beautiful summer ahead of me! I feel like the luckiest man alive!

I got an email from this place in Minneapolis where I’ve taken a few writing classes in the past. They have a mentor series that basically anyone is free to apply to. I got an email about it a while ago and after reading the eligibility requirements decided it wouldn’t work for me. I emailed the coordinator last night to get clarification on whether I was eligible and she said I was.

I really want to apply. The problem is I’d need a 15-20 page writing submission and the application deadline is only a few days away. Days that will be filled with work and moving out of this apartment and town in China. I could apply to either the fiction or nonfiction portion of it, or both. If I tried doing both I’d have to write two 15-20 page submissions. I really want to apply, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to get something written. On the one hand, I have felt like writing lately and I feel like I not only have something to say, but that I’ve got something that is ready to come out. I know that regularly updating this has certainly helped.

I wrote for a little while tonight. Nothing spectacular or very much, but it was nice to actually write something with a goal in mind. I’ve decided to appeal to my higher power; if it’s meant to be -as in applying, my higher power will help me with the strength and the courage to make that happen. I don’t even want to think about what my odds of being chosen are. And really, being chosen isn’t quite the issue right now. It’s simply a matter of choosing to work for something I want. And I want this. I also want to produce something more than what I’ve been producing. I need to produce something more. I’m going to sleep on it and hopefully work some more in the morning or tomorrow evening to make it happen. Ideally I’d like to produce something that’s funny and emotionally honest. I want to be truthful about my past, but I don’t want to get bogged down in unhappiness or depressing thoughts. It needs to be a blend of humor and raw emotion.

The cool thing about the contest is that one of the mentor author is a woman who came on my radar a while ago. I still haven’t actually read a book she’s written, but the shorter article she wrote was really amazing and after reading it I decided I really want to learn how to do that. Ok, so I hope it all works out. At least there is progress and movement. That’s appreciated.

I’ve got a lot on my mind and only 14 minutes to get through this with the VPN. Let’s go!

Today gave me much to think about. The new teacher who is replacing me is at the school now and watched my two classes today. The Chinese manager of our school watched me teach the first class which was really weird. At first I was very upset about it because the only thing I could figure was that he wanted to make sure that I was teaching alright and was there to check on me. That pissed me off. I’ve done a crappy job of teaching these last couple weeks – I’ve actually done the best job I could under the circumstances, but my attitude wasn’t in a very good place so the teaching was pretty poor. What pisses me off about it, though, is that the school didn’t care enough to help me become a better teacher to have me regularly watch more senior teacher’s classes or to have my own classes observed. It’s frustrating that now, the week I’m leaving, they would take interest.

So while I’m teaching this class, which I wasn’t excited about to begin with, I find myself getting more and more upset and thinking maybe I’ll just quit on the spot. Like call him out on it and just be done with the school early. I applied today’s lesson from the course and it seemed to help. I also realized that there could be other reasons he was watching my class. It’s a weak class and the TA wants to not bump them up to the next level when this one is done and do a few months of review classes to get them ready for the next level. I realized maybe that was why he was in the class watching it. I don’t really think that’s why. In reality, I think he was there to make sure I was going to teach class up to at least some kind of standard. I’m going to ask him tomorrow why he came to watch my class. I didn’t appreciate him just showing up and not giving me any forewarning.

It’s not easy to admit that you’re not good at something and that you’ve failed. I feel like I have failed at this teaching because I don’t like it and it’s not something I could continue doing. I also don’t feel like the school gave me nearly as much support as they could have so I was bound to fail in a way. I mean really, I could have taken it upon myself to work harder and learn more. There are resources and other teachers I could approach about helping me to become a better teacher and I didn’t do that. But, that’s also not something I would do. I need more formal, scheduled things and accountability in order for that kind of growth to occur. It’s one of the things I didn’t find at this school.

The other thing I realized is that I have hated this job for quite a while. And how did I get to the point where I hate this job so much? These past few months have basically been hell. I’ve not been happy teaching or in class and in reality the students are actually pretty nice and they just want to have fun. I don’t understand how I let my attitude get away from me so much. Working for this school wouldn’t be nearly as bad if I hadn’t made it out to be so bad.

That said, I have no intentions of getting another teaching job. Working for a language school under these circumstances is not for me.

The other thing that’s been rattling around inside my head is that there is still a part of me, deep down, locked away somewhere inside that doesn’t want to be happy. That doesn’t feel I deserve to be happy or that I ever will be. I want to fight that and evict from my mind. I do want to be happy and I do deserve to be happy. I just spent so long feeling otherwise I’m now stuck in this space where I’m trying hard as hell to be happy and to find that, but there’s a lag for some reason. I need to examine this more and pray for some help.

Ok, times up. Frantic and not very cohesive, but I got it all out.

Today was relaxing and everything, but kind of a dud. I mean I didn’t do much of anything until I met up with some friends for dinner and a movie in our neighborhood. I did end up having a nice Chinese guy over I’d met a couple weeks ago. That was sort of fun.

I’m stubborn. And I feel like I need to let go of some things. I view the world much differently than I have in the past, but there are still things that I just have to let go. I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to do so. These ideas that are so rooted in my past and who I am don’t serve me well today. They also aren’t operating on the surface anymore, but I haven’t escaped them entirely, either. So, here are a few new operating rules I plan to go by from now on:

I deserve to be happy.
I am capable of loving and allowing myself to be loved.
I am worthy of love.
I deserve to live the life I want to live.
I deserve to have my dreams come true.
I am a smart, funny, attractive man any guy would be lucky to date.
I do not need to fear the world around me or the people in it.
As long as I follow my heart my emotional, physical, spiritual and financial needs will be met.
I can allow for God to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

These last two are especially important for me to keep in mind right now. I’m flying to Istanbul soon without knowing where I’ll live or how I’ll manage to support myself when I get there. I trust that there is a plan and that it will be revealed when I’m ready. My intuition is leading me back to Istanbul for a reason. I do not know what that reason is right now. I do not need to know. I have all the resources I need to take the next step. Everything else I can let God take care of for me. I’ll just work on heeding his call. I’ll allow him to work out the details.

What a blessed life I live. What a blessed world surrounds me. I’m lucky I get to spend the rest of my life surrounded by it. I spent the first 30 years on my own. I’m grateful I’ve got someone else by my side now. Someone who is in the business of providing miracles. I like miracles.

I am so cold right now. The room isn’t that cold, but I have the chills for some reason. I’m pretty sure that I’m sick, this is just my only symptom. I’ve been feeling off the last few days and haven’t been able to pinpoint the reason behind it. I hope it passes quickly. I don’t want to be sick my last week in Ningbo. Yay! It’s my last week in Ningbo.

I got dinner with a girl who works in town that I don’t know very well. I asked her to dinner a few weeks ago and we weren’t able to get it coordinated with our respective families being in town. It finally happened tonight and I’m really glad it did.

She’s very smart, pretty, funny and driven which are all qualities I respect in a person. We ended up talking about real stuff which was so nice. I miss being able to talk about real stuff with people near me. Sure, I still do it sometimes when I skype with people from back home, but it’s certainly not as often as it used to be. It’s also nice to share physical space with someone while talking about issues we’ve encountered in our lives. She’s had similar struggles to my own which she shared with me. I in turn shared my struggles with her. I’m grateful that worked out.

I broke down crying when I got home. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I know it’s from talking about these things that I’ve got locked away that I don’t share with people often. I feel like I can share them now; like they aren’t experiences I need to hide or run away from. I didn’t get deep into the specifics, but even just mentioning them in the manner I did has clearly set something off inside me. I’ve got to share with other people and/or write about the experiences of my past. I need to clear my chest and my heart of them. It’s clearly weighing me down more than I’m able to realize and my freedom depends on me working through the emotions associated with them in a positive, cathartic way. I want to be able to walk away afterwards and say “hey, these are experiences I had, but they in no way define who I am.” I’m a different person today than I was a year ago. I was a different person a year ago than I was a year before that. I continually like the person I’m becoming more than the person I was in the past and I’m enjoying the journey of becoming a new, different person. If this trend continues, and I have every reason to believe that it will, in another year, or few years, I’m going to really be at a good place. I like where I am now, but it’s really great to see progress that’s being made. I finally have hope and don’t feel nearly as helpless as I once did.

I made it through the day at work, which also means I made it through the week. At times I wasn’t sure that was going to be the case. Now I just have one more week and I’ll be done. I think I can do just one more week.

After work I enjoyed a meal with the other foreign teachers at my school. I am really going to miss them. I’m glad that I’ve been able to get to know them as much as I have over these last 6 months. I’m also very grateful to be leaving. It’ll be sad, but it’s time to move on. And, of course, I’m really excited about Istanbul and a new adventure.

Today was a day well lived. I hope to have many more to come. I love how when I no longer have a job or an agenda my sense of time changes and I no longer feel rushed or like I have to get to the next thing. I can just relax and enjoy life for what it is. What a gift.

I had a really wonderful meal with my friend Chris this evening. I’m really going to miss our conversations. He’s such an interesting guy and so laid back. I’m really glad we’ve become friends and I’ve been able to see him every week or couple of weeks. This would have been a different experience without him here.

On the way home, I felt this happiness and joy. What I liked the most about the feeling was that I wasn’t afraid of it. There was no voice in the back (or front!) of my mind that was trying to figure out if I was going manic or needed to be concerned. I’m so grateful to have gained the gift of freedom from my mental illness. I no longer have to live in fear of another manic episode or try to analyze whether how I feel is how I’m supposed to feel. I can just let myself be. What a wonderful gift. One that I never thought I’d have, which makes it all the more special. I like the unexpected. I welcome the unexpected and continuing changes in my life. This past year I’ve changed, evolved and become a different person right before my eyes. I can’t help but acknowledge a sense of satisfaction, a sense of easiness, comfort and finally a sense of peace to in being just who I am: an imperfect, accepting-of-who-I-am person. I’m not sure I’ve ever really looked at myself and just accepted things as they are. It’s a truly blessed moment to be able to do it right now. I am me; flawed and imperfect, but still capable of loving and capable of being loved. Two things I’ve never allowed myself to be or do.

Changes changes everywhere. What’s in store?

I finally booked a flight to Istanbul! I’m so excited. And not just to be leaving China and no longer be teaching. I’m excited for more than just the avoidance of things I don’t like (China, teaching). I’m excited to be somewhere that inspires me. A place with fascinating culture, interesting people and a world class city (not to mention the amazing modern art museum!). I might decide to apply for a residence permit. I need to do some research on it and see how much it costs to do and how long the process takes. I’d totally stay in Istanbul for a while if I like it. As fun as it would be to go to Prague or Beirut in 3 months time, I’d really like to put down some firmer roots in Istanbul. Dating with the idea I’ll only be around for a few months would be difficult. I’m hoping to find a long(er) term relationship.

My flight leaves in 2 weeks! I just can’t believe it. Two more weeks and I’ll be off this continent. I’m so ready to be done with teaching. Woot woot! This school is more than a joke.

I really hope to find lots of time in Istanbul to focus on writing and drawing. Mix some dating and sightseeing in there and my schedule will most likely be more than full. Who has time to work, anyway? In all seriousness, though, I need to start focusing on writing or selling drawing or something. I’ve got to apply myself in some way to make some money. Take some risks with a few things. I hope I feel inspired to do that – or just force myself to regardless of how I feel. Yeah, that sounds like it might be a little more likely than the feeling inspired, but who knows.

While walking to work today I had an interesting thought/revelation. I live in a world that’s currently uninhabited. There are people around me, but I don’t see them as alive or awake. I’m not even sure I am. In fact, I don’t think that I am. I think that I’m headed in that direction, but I’ve been wrong in the past. And, like I figured out a decade ago, dig deep enough and the only thing I’ll find is nothing, but that nothing is what’s beautiful.

I have moments, like this morning, where my thoughts seem to be on a different plane than normal. Like they are being directed and guided from a different source. I’m still myself, but I feel like I’m a part of the world on a different scale and level than ever before in the past. Like I’m more than just me. They are still my thoughts and I’m still having them, but they’re originating from somewhere I’m not familiar with. I found this morning’s walk to work to be a little unsettling, actually. I enjoy a change in perspective and the ability to see the world through a different lens, but it’s also unfamiliar to enter that mode.

I had a dream last night. In the dream I was playing cards with some other people and when it came my turn to play I told them they weren’t going to believe it. I had been dealt a whole bunch of aces – like 8 of them. Way more than are in an actual deck.

I’m grateful to be another day closer to being done with this job. I can’t wait to leave China and move on with my life. I’m enjoying myself right now, but Istanbul is going to be more amazing than I can fathom. Woot woot!