Tomorrow I am going in for a job interview. It’s teaching English at a language school here in Istanbul. I’m not super excited about it, but the benefits of working part-time would be numerous. Financially I wouldn’t be making enough money to survive, but it would be a start and it would allow me to investigate other revenue streams without needing to be making all of my money from a different source. It would also get me some experience teaching adults (which I might actually like) and I’d learn how to teach more difficult grammar points that I wasn’t teaching in China. Because of these reasons I’m willing to entertain the prospect of another teaching job.

I went to Agva today. It was a long bus ride, but hanging out by the Black Sea and swimming was really great. I enjoyed it a lot. On the way back I got this idea that maybe I should just go for broke. I could fly to Nepal or India and stay near a temple where I could hopefully meditate and practice yoga and pranayama as well as draw and write. I like to think if I really set a schedule and tried to stick to the schedule I could then focus more on producing things. It’s not a great idea at all, but taking 6 months to just focus on producing art and working on some writing would be pretty awesome. If I was actually able to stick to the schedule. I’m not certain I’d be able to actually do that, though. It was just a thought. I’d like to figure out staying here, but as a last case scenario I could try something like that. I’m not sure Nepal would really be the place to go, but being somewhere less expensive would be helpful if I’m actually going to try that. I suppose I could try to hang out in Panama for a while or something. There are options, anyway. I need to keep that in mind.

I’m exhausted right now. I’ve been waiting for my laundry to finish washing so that I can hang it and go to bed.

I feel a lot better about life and what the future holds right now. It’s nice to not have this impending sense of doom. I don’t miss living like that.

I haven’t drank any Turkish tea the last few days. I’m not really sure if that’s why I feel better or if it’s just because I usually feel better after a breakdown of sorts. Either way, I’m grateful that I’m feeling better.

I talked to Liz for a while tonight. It’s been over a week I think since I talked to her. It was really nice to spend a couple hours on skype. It’s super late now, but that’s ok. I took a nap this evening and also spent some time replying to a few emails that are now a couple days old. I’ve been meaning to reply to them for a couple days and it feels really good to no longer have that hanging over my head. The last few nights I’ve just been too tired to make it happen.

I also spent some time scribbling away in a notebook. I’ve definitely got the start of a blog going. I could pretty easily get something going and then throw it online somewhere. I think I’d be better off splitting what I’ve written so far into more than one post. I could either post all of them at once, or wait and post them a few weeks apart. I’d really like to start doing something that I’m putting out into the world. Even if it’s only a blog that a few close friends will probably follow. Who knows though. Maybe I can get that to go somewhere. If nothing else it was nice to do some writing with the intention of having other people read it. Whether or not they do is another story entirely.

Off to Agva tomorrow. I’m looking forward to another beach day. It should be great and relaxing. I’ll probably bring a notebook and maybe even run some ideas by C.

I’ve had a bad day. I slept for a long time last night. Then I got up for a bit before taking a nap.

I feel trapped. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m overwhelmed and feeling like there’s really know way out of this situation.

It’s been years since I felt like suicide was a good option. It feels like a good option right now. I mean really, I’ve found all there is to life and life sucks. Things will never be better. Nothing will ever be ok. This world in which I live is terrible.

I’m no longer afraid of death the way I was in the past when I’d obsess about killing myself. I’m at peace with whatever may or may not be the afterlife. In fact, I’m looking forward to finding out what that is.

I know this is just a feeling and like all feelings it will pass. I’ll go to bed and wake up in the morning. Tomorrow will be another day. A day that is hopefully better than this one.

I went to a meeting tonight. We read out of the daily reflections like usual. The first line of the reading was “God wants me to be joyous, happy and free.” I’m not so sure about that. I feel like my world is crumbling all around me and that I have no plan and no real hope for the future. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I don’t like it when I’m struck with the ‘nothing will ever be ok’ bug.

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I have to end this on a brighter note. I do believe that God wants me to live a life that is happy, joyous and free. The way I feel right now is temporary and resulting from several different things. One of them is the fact that I slept for too long today and hit the snooze button for a long time this morning meaning I’ve been in this kind of funk all day because of getting too much sleep. Another issue is that I’ve been drinking this turkish tea that I like very much, but it has caffeine in it. I don’t normally drink caffeine and it affects me. I do much better when I don’t have any caffeine because it wreaks havoc on my mood and my emotions. Today I drank no tea and am going to try to stop drinking it altogether. Tomorrow I will make an attempt to get up at a better time and not sleep all day. I do believe that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life is worth living and I have a bright future. It may be hard to see that right now, but I honestly do feel that way.

I’m exhausted from another day of sightseeing in Turkey. I went to Sile today with my friend C from Germany. It was gorgeous and a really nice day.

I was supposed to meet a guy for dinner a couple days ago. I cancelled because I went out to Prince’s Island. I have been treating guys in a way that I don’t like. I’ve been flaky with them. I just don’t really want to meet people right now. The problem is I’m just too fat and out of shape which makes me feel unattractive. I wish I’d quit telling myself that or do something to change the situation. I don’t think that losing weight is going to help. I’d be better off working out and feeling better about myself as I get stronger and more athletic. I would really like to date and be emotionally and physically intimate with a man. It’s been so long. I’m so lonely in that regard. This is something I can do. I know I can, it just scares me.

I deleted the app I’ve been using to chat with guys. It’s mostly just people looking for sex. I’d much rather meet gay guys somewhere with a different focus. I hope to make some real changes about it all soon. I’m ready to make the changes and change my outlook on things. It would feel so nice to fall asleep with a nice guy I care about in my arms.

I struggle with whether I deserve to be happy and whether I really want to be happy. It’s easier being unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s the landscape I’m most familiar with, but it’s not the landscape I want to remain in. I do deserve to be happy and to live the life I want to live. I deserve to find joy. I deserve to experience love. Now if only I can get past all the negative thoughts and emotions that have told me otherwise for so long. They may not be at the forefront of my mind these days, but I know they are still working against me in some fashion.

Love and fulfillment could be mine if I’d just allow myself to have it. I’m the only one standing in the way of its realization.

I started noticing butterflies this morning. Not actual living butterflies, but a butterfly pendant or a drawing on something. This occurred throughout the entire day. I’d randomly see a butterfly on a poster or on someone’s shirt and take notice of it. I don’t often notice butterflies.

It reminded me of being in DC last year. I remember I started to see butterflies and even went to an Imax theater show at the natural history museum that was all about butterflies. At the time I was thinking about how they start from a caterpillar and then change into butterflies. I also remember that at the time I thought I was finally coming out of my cocoon and turning into something really beautiful.

I’m grateful for the change in my attitude and outlook in order to get to today. I’m emerging from the dark cocoon of the last year. I don’t mean to say that the last year has been bad by any means, it’s actually been really great – hard at times, but filled with growth. It has been hard, though, as I have worked through and let go a lot of the negative emotional things from the past I’ve been carrying around with me. It’s great to unburden myself of a lot of that stuff.

I also feel like I’m emerging because my sense of humor is coming back. I’m starting to feel a lot more like my old, joking, smartass self. It’s great! I’ve really missed not having my sense of humor and I don’t ever want to lose it again.

I feel happy and joyous right now. I like feeling this way. Like my problems aren’t insurmountable and that I’ll figure everything out. I do believe that. I hope I can hang on to this feeling and maybe even develop it into something further.

I’m so grateful for the day I just had. A fellow program person sent me a text this morning asking if I’d like to hang out today. I called her back and met her not long after. We quickly decided to go to Prince’s Islands and found the ferry and were on our way. The ferry ride was amazing and beautiful. The islands were also gorgeous. We walked around the largest island for a long time today and walked up a hill to a Greek Monastery. We ate and talked and it was just what I needed. She’s really fun and interesting and the conversation was both stimulating and enlightening. She’s also lighthearted and I found myself being my goofy old self with her which is something I’ve missed for a long time. I was able to make jokes and laugh and use humor in a way I used to use humor while I was still in Minneapolis. I’ve missed that. I’ve missed that a lot. I’m grateful I got to spend the day with her and I know she enjoyed our outing as well. We are probably going to do some more touristy things tomorrow and that will also be really fun.

I feel like I’m getting back in touch with the person I used to be, but that it’ll be on a deeper, sounder level than it was before. There was a lot of pain I was hiding in the past with the humor and with everything else. I’ve worked through a lot of that now in this last year – the year of darkness and light. I’m extremely grateful for that. I can finally move on and follow my dreams.

I’m 5 years sober and clean today. I’m grateful for the changes in my life, and outlook on life, being sober has brought me.

Things are very uncertain right now, but they are in the process of working out. I know that I’ll find my way and the path will be provided. My higher power is on my side and I’m no longer trying to do this on my own. I no longer need to do this on my own.

I’m grateful to be able to call this vibrant, beautiful city my home. I really love it here. The people, the men, the food and the views are all amazing. I’m still not sure if staying longer than the next few months is in the cards, but I’m certain that my higher power will make everything clear when the time is right. I am going to allow my higher power to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

And with that, I’m off to bed. I’m hoping for an earlier start to the day tomorrow. I’m also hoping to be a bit more productive than I’ve been these last few days. I know I’ll feel better if I sit and try to accomplish something for a while.

Wanting something beautiful and having something beautiful are different things. What if I could quit wanting by realizing what it is I actually have? There is beauty in the world all around me; it’s everywhere! When I choose to focus on the beauty and really see the beauty it fills my mind. When I choose to see the ugliness, despair and problems all around me (that tend to be mostly contrived) I can’t see through them to the beauty that lies just beyond.

Today was a beautiful day. It wasn’t quite what I wanted and not everything went perfectly, but it really was a beautiful day. It was filled with many things that make me happy. One of which was spending time with some great people in a city I love. I hope that I can remain present to that fact as the days go by. I still don’t have any idea how I’m going to support myself and my life in this wonderful city filled with great people, but as long as I maintain my focus on the beauty all around me I shouldn’t have to worry about it.

I hope I can manage to do that.

Today was a day well lived. I enjoyed today and feel I spent the time well. It was a good day.

I met a guy from an app for coffee this afternoon. We talked for a little while and then went and watched “The Clock” for a little while. It’s a really cool film. I plan to go back there and see it again before it’s done running. It just mesmerized me today.

After I wandered around the farmer’s market near where I live and bought all sorts of things to eat. Mostly fruit, but some nuts, olives and cheese as well. Everything was pretty inexpensive. Some were a bust and I wouldn’t buy them again, but I found a few things I’d totally buy again next week.

This evening I went to a gay hamam. I spent quite a while there and it was good. There were some totally hot guys. I even did some fooling around. I’d go back, but I don’t really feel like I need to tomorrow or anything. Maybe in another couple weeks.

I also feel like things are becoming clearer. Everything is still pretty murky and I don’t really know how I’m going to navigate my life going forward, but things are certainly becoming less murky. I’ve got to spend some time researching and thinking about it some more. There are so many option out there. I also have so many different interests.

In school I was good at everything, but not great at anything. It made it difficult to choose something and just go for it. I think if I had to choose one thing I’d most like to pursue right now it would be the spirituality side of things. The next would be probably art and then writing. Those two change though. The spirituality definitely tops the list though.

I’m looking forward to going to sleep soon. I’m exhausted. I slept until like 12:30 today which was really lame. I don’t want to do that again tomorrow. I’ve also got plans to meet a guy and help him write a cover letter. We are going to meet in the afternoon. We didn’t discuss payment at all so I don’t quite know how to approach that. I think if I was teaching for an hour I would charge perhaps 50 lira. I don’t quite know what to expect from this, though. I guess we’ll see. If nothing else it’ll get me out of the house and doing something. Who knows, maybe I could support myself helping old guys write cover letters in English for jobs in Australia and the United States.

I also heard back from one guy about the long distance Reiki share. It’s totally on! Woot woot!

Everything is in the process of working out. I don’t know how; I don’t need to know how. It just is.

My life is beautiful. Magic is everywhere. I can see it. I can touch it. I am living the life I want to live.