My new roommate is a cute, 22 year old Turkish guy who apparently doesn’t mind walking around in his underwear. My other roommate I haven’t met, but I think he may be passed out on the couch in the living room.

I like this apartment because it’s quiet, but I found out tonight that the door to my room doesn’t close all the way. I really want to jerk off before going to bed… I think I’ll be ok. I should be able to hear if anyone is coming down the hall or opening or closing doors.

Today was, in a word, unpleasant. I got up this morning after not getting enough sleep, quickly finished packing and then got a cab to the new apartment. I managed to make it out without seeing any of my old roommates. I wish I had told him a few weeks ago I was planning to move out. It was a total dick move on my part to just bail without giving him any notice or even saying goodbye. I did send a text once I was safely gone. It was certainly not my finest moment.

I talked to a few different people from back home tonight. After feeling slightly crazy all day I really needed to talk to some old friends. I called my good friend Chris first. It was really great talking to him. I always get a lot out of his perspective. He’s very wise. He was excited to hear that I’m thinking about moving back. I’m really ready to be done with this. I left the US over a year ago because I wanted to pursue something more in my life. I’ve done that and now I’m ready to go back for the same reason. It seems that only my parents are not excited for me in closing this chapter and moving back. I know they’re excited, but they’re also being my parents. After talking to them I spoke to Maren in NJ on skype for a while. It’s always great talking to her because she’s very level-headed and down to Earth. She gave me some good advice about how to make things work. I’m grateful to have these friends in my life.

I’m getting more concerned about my mental health. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for quite a few years. They just seemed to stop at some point after basically being with me my entire life. This evening I found myself thinking that maybe it’s time to finally off myself. I then tried to do a little google research as to what you can buy at the pharmacy for over the counter medication. I’ve done the pill popping suicide attempts in the past and it didn’t work out. I assume another try like that would end in the same way, but I was still curious and wanted to explore my options. The unfortunate thing is, when I feel that way I want to continue feeling that way. I want to revel in the depression and the poor me and the life-will-never-be-better attitude. I don’t feel that way right now. Tomorrow is going to be a new day and quite possibly a much better day. I’m excited to see what it brings. Hopefully that will include a more positive outlook on this current situation. I keep falling into this depression and then I don’t want to be here, but when I come out of it and feel like I can make something work in my life I’m usually also wanting to leave Istanbul and go back to the states so that I can pursue something more. I just feel a lot more positive about what I could possibly pursue and how that would go.

I think I should really have a conversation with the DoS at my school tomorrow and let her know that I very well might decide to go back to the US soon. It’s only fair to warn her. And really, I’ve got to leave the country before my 90 day visa is up and it would be kind of nice to travel around a bit before going back home. Or at least to enjoy Istanbul a bit more before leaving this city. For that reason, I really need to have that conversation with her. I meant to do it last week, but every time I was around her I didn’t want to bring it up. I don’t want to leave her totally high and dry though. It sounds like there are enough part-time teachers starved for hours that I think she’d be able to make things work. I should still give her some notice though.

And with that it’s time to masturbate with the door ever so slightly ajar. Blergh. Although, truth be told, I totally wouldn’t mind if my cute 22 year old Turkish roommate joined me.

I feel so much better right now than I did even an hour ago. That conversation with M helped a lot.

Things have been difficult lately and I’ve been thinking a lot about coming home for many different reasons. I’m partly homesick, but I’m also ready to pursue something which I’m not sure I’ll really be able to do abroad. This last week was especially rough since I was trying to find a new room to rent and getting stressed out about it. I’m sick of the place where I’m currently living. It’s chaotic, loud and just an awkward situation. I found a place yesterday and made plans to move in tomorrow. The guy who is renting me the room in his apartment is super cool. I think it’ll be a really nice place to live for a while.

Based on my mental health history, it’s unrealistic to think that I’ll never feel depressed again or go through some rocky patches. Despite that knowledge, it’s still tough to admit when I’m struggling mentally. I was mildly depressed in China and this super stressful situation in Turkey that I shoved myself into was, in retrospect, not the best idea. I’ve always had to test boundaries – to see how far I can push myself before I break, both mentally and physically. The problem is, you never know where that boundary lies until you’ve crossed it.

I still might decide to come home. And honestly, if I do it’ll probably be pretty soon. This teaching job is really stressful right now because I don’t really know what I’m doing and the hours and pay are fucking terrible. I hope that things improve now that I’ve figured out a better place to live. If I can focus on the teaching for a month or two and get things under control I’ll stick out the rest of the contract. If not, I’m out. I’m nobody’s bitch for the amount I’m getting paid. Let’s skype sometime soon! I’ve got a few days off at the end of July and I’m debating going to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. The problem is, I only have 5 days off including the weekend so I wouldn’t have much time at all. Plus, I’m totally broke and going to be running a monthly deficit from here on out. Boo!

It’s the 4th of July! This is my second year abroad during the 4th. I called my grandma’s house earlier. I spoke to her, my aunt and my dad. I could hear everyone else in the background and really wished I was there. My cousins and the rest of my relatives are all really great.

This morning I thought a lot more about leaving Istanbul. Honestly, I think that’s the decision I’ll most likely come to. One way flights back to NYC are really expensive during the time it’s likely I’ll need one. That sucks, but it’ll work out.

I went into work today so that I could go back to the doctor. The doctor visit went fine, but then I got sucked into time with the DoS of my school. I’m overwhelmed with this job and not sure I can put in as much time and effort as will be required to do an adequate job. I could try to coast, but I wouldn’t be able to do that to the students and not being prepared for class would be incredibly stressful. I’m not good at winging it. I’m hoping to see an improvement in teaching and my current work situation in the coming weeks, but if I don’t I’m going to bail and probably head home. I suppose I could go somewhere else first for a couple months, but we’ll see. Actually, volunteering somewhere could be pretty cool. Maybe I could find a place in Nepal or something.

I looked at 2 more places today. One I really liked and I got a great vibe from the guy who would be renting me the apartment. It’s also on a quiet street and it’s near a park – two things that would be awesome. I can walk to the metro or take buses from Besiktas. The room itself wasn’t totally great, but it had a huge bed and I think I’d find it comfortable enough. I plan to look at one more place tomorrow and then hopefully move in the afternoon. I feel like I’m kind of moving out in the middle of the night which is a bit of a dick thing to do to my current flatmate (who will be expecting me to pay rent again really soon). Unfortunately that’s just the way this is going to go. Done.

I talked to M today in NJ. I’m basically ready to go home.

I looked at another place in Sisli today. I’m not ready to call this quits. I think the place would work. I didn’t really enjoy either of the two classes that I taught today. I don’t think the students really enjoyed them, either. Nor am I convinced that either of them learned much of anything in the classes. Blergh.

It was great to talk to M. She clearly thinks I’m depressed. And, who knows, maybe I am. I’ve certainly felt that way lately. It passes, but then it generally comes again. Istanbul has been a really tough situation to put myself into so I think that’s reasonable. I’m hoping once I get everything settled with the room I can find a gym and hopefully start working out pretty regularly. I’d love to be getting a lot of exercise. There is nothing better for my mood than getting exercise. I’ll investigate that once I’ve gotten settled. If things don’t improve over the next month I’ll just bail on this place. I’d rather not do that, but it is an option.

It would be unfair of me to think, especially considering my mental history, that I’d never get depressed again. I don’t want to deny the reality of a situation, but I’m also not a great judge of things. I know there are things I can do that will help. One of them is getting more exercise and the other is moving back to the US. Both are things to consider, I suppose.

I get to get up early tomorrow. I’m not super excited about it. I mean really, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ll get up, go teach for 1.5 hours and then come home and sleep for a while before getting up and going back. Whatever. Things could be worse.

Today I thought a lot about going back home. I feel ready to pursue something more and try to find some type of employment that will fit with my likes and personality. I’m not sure what that would be, but I’ve got faith that it exists. It’s hard living abroad and being in Turkey, although an improvement from the last few places I’ve been, is still challenging for it’s own reasons. I think that will become more clear as the days go on. I realize that part of my desire to go home could easily be coming from the fact that I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with this job and I hate that feeling. It’s possible, likely even, that as I get a better handle on it I’ll really enjoy it and be glad I stayed. It’s also possible that I’ll not ever like it and that the hours will wear me down quickly. It’s too early to tell right now. My goal is to meditate more regularly like I was doing before. That should provide me with the clarity to do what I know in my heart is right. It definitely won’t hurt, anyway. Cheers to that.

Oh, I’ve also not gotten any closer to settling this issue about where to live. Tomorrow I’m going to have to get more serious about it all. I hope that the perfect place pops up soon. I’d really like to move out of this apartment and I only have a few days to get that figured out.

The perfect place is waiting…. I just have to be patient and believe that it’s going to show up.

Today was less than spectacular. I slept way too late and then felt sleepy and out of it all day long. I’ve done that several times lately. I have a really hard time moderating how much I sleep at night. A job that required me to get up in the morning would actually be pretty great right now. My current one doesn’t do that. Hmm.

I’m off to bed now. I’ll try to get up in the morning. I’m still finding it difficult to plan for my lessons and teach them well. Today I spent a lot of time considering moving back to the US and whether that would be the best thing for me to do. I then think maybe I’ll just stay here until December and then go back, but I’m not sure about that, either. Moving to Chicago in December is maybe not the best idea in the world – talk about a shock to the system that would be. I did meditate for 30 minutes today. That was really great. I haven’t been making time for that like I should be. I’m glad I got it to work this morning.

I’ve got an infection in my leg which is a bummer, but I’m grateful that I have health insurance and work for a school that’s willing to help me out with going to the clinic. In a few days everything should be better.

I have now basically turned down every apartment that I’ve looked at. I texted the British woman today and told her it’s not going to work. That was definitely the right decision. I then talked to the other guy that has been waiting to hear back from me. I told him it’s not going to work, too, but I’m not as confident that was the right decision. That might have actually been the best apartment option I’ll get. I spoke with the DoS at our school today and she would really like to start getting the residence permit processed. I’d really like to move and be situated in a good place when that all happens. I’d rather not stay here. I know the perfect place is waiting for me. I’ve just got to be patient. I will look on craigslist again tomorrow and start sending out more emails and calling people to look at flats. Something great will become available.

I was supposed to teach two classes tonight, but they both ended up canceling. I also had my morning class cancel tomorrow which I’m super grateful for. I’m really glad I’ll get to sleep in tomorrow. Yay!

I’ve looked at quite a few apartments these last few days and I still don’t feel I’m close to finding a room to move into. Each place has some pretty severe drawbacks. I hope to get that settled soon. I’m tired of looking.

I had a great day with C today. I’ve been thinking more about moving back to the US. I want to pursue something and I’m ready to work my ass off to develop something greater in my life. Given the right opportunity, I really think I could pretty quickly prove my worth to an employer. The idea of moving to Chicago has been jangling around inside my head. It would actually be more difficult to do than many other places I could move, but in my gut it feels like where the opportunity is. And I know there is an amazing opportunity waiting for me. I can feel it. It’s close and I’m ready to capture it and move into this next phase of my life. I’m so ready to move into this next phase of my life. Cheers to that!

I want to pursue art and writing. Perhaps simultaneously.

I’m working up the courage to really explore that on a deeper level and see what’s out there that could lead to me being able to make art and writing more than just a hobby.

I hope the courage and motivation doesn’t take forever to arrive.

And with that, I’m off to bed. It’s been an exhausting day, but I’m so grateful I got to spend a good chunk of it with C!

I’m excited to see C tomorrow. It’s going to be really great to hang out with her for a few days. I hope that my teaching schedule is lighter this next week. I’d really appreciate not having to spend all of my time at the school.

I hate apartment/room searching in Istanbul. I’ve seen 3 places now and don’t feel like making this decision. I am, however, more than ready to get out of this room. I want to live somewhere else. I know that something will work out. I just have to be patient.

I saw a really great, sad movie today. It made me think about a lot. Actually, today has been a lot of thinking. Yay for bed and no more of that. It’s not something I’m good at.