I’m at the home stay place now. It’s around 8:30 pm at night. I ate dinner not long ago. It was the most delicious dal baht I’ve had in Nepal. I’m not actually a huge fan of dal baht, but this was really good.

We took a couple of buses and then a jeep to the spot we began trekking from this morning. Riding on the roof of a jeep on bumpy mountain roads sounds fun in theory. In practice: not so much. I survived, but hope not to do that again on the way back.

We didn’t really trek for very long today. It didn’t take us more than 2 hours with a couple longer stops to get to the home stay. Once we got here it started raining. We drank fresh tea that’s grown here on the mountain. I don’t normally drink green tea, but could turn this down. It was quite good.

During the rain, I meditated for 40 minutes. It was really wonderful. I’ve found it hard to sit for longer than 10 minutes for the past couple of weeks so to sit for that long was wonderful. The world seemed to drop away. I was still very aware that I was meditating, but my awareness that I was in a little room on a mountain decreased substantially as I focused on my breath. After meditating, I gave myself a nice, long Reiki treatment and then slept for a little while. All in all it was a great way to spend the afternoon while it was raining.

We are getting up in the morning and trekking to another small town. Tomorrow we’ll stay in a hotel or guesthouse. It should be nice. I like the quiet, removed atmosphere in this village. It feels like I’m a world away from a city. This village is like from another time. There are paths that go through the town, but no shops of any kind I saw while we were making our way to the home stay.

I like it here and I feel much better than I have these last few days. To be honest, the two weeks I’ve spent in Pokhara have been quite difficult. I’m basically living my dream right now – I’m not working, I can sleep in everyday, I have absolutely no responsibility, the food is delicious and the views are stunning – yet, for some reason, I’ve really struggled to be happy.

I know I need to start thinking more about what I’m going to do in the coming weeks. I am planning to travel to India, but whether that ends up being a short trip is yet to be decided. I heard back from Susie, a girl I met in Kathmandu who’s now in India. Her report on the couple of days she spent in Varanasi was quite interesting. She said she met a holy woman/witch who taught her a lot. My friend in Istanbul also suggested Varanasi as a must visit place, so at this point I’m thinking maybe I’ll fly to Delhi, travel to see the Taj Mahal and then go to Varanasi. That wouldn’t really take too long, especially if I cut my time in Delhi short. I wouldn’t need more than a day to see the Taj Mahal and a couple days in Varanasi would probably be enough. I was looking at weekend workshops at Hz and there is one in October I’d love to make it to, but there’s another one in November. I don’t think I’ll try for either one, but rather see how it all falls into place. Now that I’m feeling better it could also be a great experience to stay in an ashram for 2-3 weeks and practice yoga. I really want to investigate yoga and the positive influence it could have one life.

Gratitude List:
A great experience doing the home stay
A full 40 minutes meditating
Some much needed time to relax, reflect and think

I’m going trekking tomorrow!  I’m excited to go and hope that it’s a great experience.  We are going to do a homestay tomorrow night and then after that I’m not really sure what the plan is.  I think we’re going to be gone for 4 days and 3 nights, but I’m also not totally sure about that, either.

We went around Pokhara today and did a lot of sightseeing.  It was pretty cool.  We rented a bike in the morning that we took all around town.  My knees are sunburned from being exposed in the sun on the bike for most of the day.  The rest of my body, at least the parts I put sunscreen on, fared much better.  I’m going to have to be more careful about that in the future.

I still think it would be great to make it to Goa for the convention at the end of September.  I doubt it’ll actually happen, but if it did it would be cool.  My gut still says that I’d be best off flying to Delhi, staying for a couple days and making a trip to the Taj Mahal and then getting the hell out of India. I’d love to spend more time exploring the place, but I’m ready to go home and see what’s next.  Who knows.  We’ll see.  At times I feel more up for exploring more.  It’ll work out.

I had a pretty frank conversation with my mother a few minutes ago.  She asked me if I’m feeling depressed.  i can’t lie, I’ve definitely been feeling depressed.  I’ve been using sugar and caffeine to prop me up, but I have a suspicion it’s just making things worse. I’m looking forward to going home and will, in all likelihood, do that sooner rather than later.  I am going to try to enjoy the rest of this trip and make the most out of India. 

I’m not super depressed or anything, but I don’t have a lot of energy and I totally don’t feel like being around people.  I also don’t really feel like doing much of anything.  I am going to try to make the most of it and enjoy India. In all likelihood I won’t stay too long.  

I hired a program person to be my guide for a few days this coming week.  We are going to bum around Pokhara tomorrow and he’s going to take me around to see the sights.  On Monday we are going to leave and go trekking for a few days. I figure I’d might as well do all the things I want to do before leaving Nepal now, rather than waiting until my the month I’ve paid for this apartment is up.  Trekking should be awesome and it’ll be nice to have someone else there.  I really don’t think I’d make trekking happen right now if I was trying to figure it out on my own.  I certainly don’t want to leave Nepal without doing some trekking, though.  This will be a nice compromise.  He also suggested doing a few homestays which I think will be a good experience.  I’m excited to do something different and get out of this apartment for a few days.  It should be a great!

Other than that, today was another variation of the basically the same day I’ve been living.  I talked to Venus for a while which was actually pretty nice.  I ran out of credit on my phone, though, which is a bit annoying.  Oh well.  I can buy some more tomorrow.  

Today was neither good nor bad.  I can’t say I really enjoyed it, but I didn’t feel like I was at my wit’s end, either.  I suppose it’s kind of a sad, in a way, when not being at the point where I feel ready to breakdown is a positive thing.  I’m certainly not living the fullest of lives right now.  Nor am I greatly enjoying the life I am living.  Blergh.

I spent a long time today on this website that pays you to post comments on blogs and forums.  It’s basically a scam.  After 4 hours of time spent doing this I still hadn’t accumulated enough points to cash out for $4.  I will admit, a good part of my time was spent doing things like familiarizing myself with the sites, signing up for an new email address and other things that would be quicker if I tried doing it tomorrow.  It think what I’ll do tomorrow is see how many posts I can create in an hour.  If it’s still abysmally low I’ll bail on the site altogether.  I suppose it was good that I’m finally trying to make money online, but this site is definitely not the best of places to try to do that.  I think even making $5/hour would be quite difficult on this site.  And really, it’s just mind numbing work staring at a computer.

Tomorrow I’m going to spend some time drawing.  Perhaps quite a bit of time drawing.  I don’t want to start at my computer and I feel like I’ll get a better return on my investment of time if I spend it drawing versus trying to figure out some scam website that’s never going to result in my making much money.  At least the drawing I could try to sell at some point.  

It’s hot and humid here.  The temperature doesn’t seem to have dropped much since the sun went down.  I feel gross and sweaty, but I’m tired so hopefully will be asleep soon.  That would be really great.

I’m ready to go home.  I’m actually not even sure I want to go to India.  I could try to fly directly to Minneapolis or NYC from Kathmandu and not even get the Indian visa processed.  I’ll think about it.  I mean I’m here and was hoping to go, but these last few days I’ve just felt over it and like I’d rather just go home and be done with this.  I suppose I could just fly to India and then decide whether I wanted to stay.  I could even just go to the Taj Mahal or something like that and then take off quickly.  We’ll see.  I don’t need to make any decisions right now.

Gratitude List:

Finally being able to go to bed

Enjoying a relaxing evening watching a funny DVD on my laptop

Trying to surrender…. Trying

I spent a good chunk of time tonight trying to get going on a posting website that pays to post comments on blogs and forums.  It took me quite a while to complete the example posts.  I also wrote way more than I’d be willing to write if I’m only getting 8 cents for each post.  Tomorrow I am going to sign up for some of the websites and forums and start posting to see how many points I can even get.  I think it’s basically a scam, but I haven’t done anything or tried anything to make money since I got here and this was the easiest route to doing that I could find.  I imagine after tomorrow I’ll decide it’s a scam and never go back to the site.  I’m not going to work for $2/hour.  I think I’m much better than that.  Hopefully this will provide me with some motivation to start getting more serious about this.  If I can figure out an income I could stay here a while.  I think I’ll still choose to leave in two weeks, but really this would be a nice place to try to figure it out.

I got together with a Nepali guy today that I met from facebook.  He was nice and we went to a museum about the mountains.  We then came back to my apartment and talked for a while before messing around. It wasn’t quite what I wanted and, to be quite honest, I’m not that interested in seeing him again.  

I just read about Joan Rivers.  How sad.  It really makes me reflect on my own life.  I don’t want to spin my wheels forever.  I really don’t think I’d like to be famous or anything, but I want to at least be good at something and feel like I’ve contributed.  Joan Rivers accomplished both of those things.  I can’t help but reflect on her death with that in mind.  I feel like it’s time I start working towards something more.  I know I can get there even if the path is unclear at this time.  I’d love to spend the rest of my life creating – art or stories.  Either would be amazing.  I need to get started on making that a reality.

I have an amazing life in front of me.  It could go off in a multitude of different directions.  I’m talented in so many amazing ways and even more talents will come to light once I start exploring them.  I just have to be patient and trust that everything is working out for the best.  

Gratitude List:

Spending time pursuing something I’ve wanted to pursue for a while – even if my efforts prove to be mostly fruitless

Doing something more today than usual

Making a new friend

I slept in pretty late this morning.  I woke up around 10 am. It’s really not that late, but considering I went to bed around midnight it was a lot of sleep.

I’ll have to get up earlier tomorrow because I’m planning on meeting a guy.  I am wishing I’d not decided to meet him now.  Who knows though, it could be cool.  I’m basically done with trying to use facebook to meet any guys.  It’s just a hassle and most of them, from what I can gather, are just looking for sex anyway.  Not that I don’t like sex, but it’s not really what I’m hoping to find.  Many of these guys also seem very, very closeted.  I’m not so into super closeted.

I forced myself to go to a yoga class this evening.  I really enjoyed it and I’m glad that I decided to go.  I think I’ll try to make it more in the future.  I’d really like to start making it to the morning class at this other yoga place, but I’ve grown so hostile to mornings I’m not sure that’s going to ever happen.

I can’t believe it’s been almost two weeks since I got back to Pokhara.  The time is definitely going by quickly – even if every day is basically a slight different variation of the previous day.  The only things that really change are where I decide to eat lunch and dinner.

I got a really nice email back from this Indian girl I met in Bangkok.  It was filled with lots of great information about visiting India and some very nice offers to help me out once I get there.  I need to email her back and I should also take her up on the off to help.

I think India will be a pretty quick trip.  I’m just not in the mood for being there for too long.  Maybe a few weeks.  I could easily stay longer, but I have no money and I need to figure out what I’m going to do about things (my life!).  I’m also ready to go back to the US.  I don’t know if I’ll choose to stick around the East Coast, go to Chicago or Minneapolis, but that’ll become more clear.  I think once I get back and have a fresh perspective on everything it’ll be really helpful.  I briefly looked at jobs in Chicago on Craigslist a little bit ago.  That wasn’t a super positive experience…. Nothing looked good and the reality of the situation I’ll be returning home to has started to feel oppressive.  I do want to take some writing classes and try to work towards supporting myself in a way I enjoy and find meaningful, but I still feel like I’m so far away from that.  I know it’ll work out somehow.  It always does, anyway.

I did spend a little time on a website that I could probably use to earn some money.  The problem is, I’d most likely be earning about $5-7/hour which is a very optimistic hope I think.  In all likelihood I would be earning less than that.  Possibly much less and the amount of time it’ll take to get up and running is basically not reimbursed at all.  I figure I need to start somewhere, though.  

Gratitude List:

Spending some time looking at online revenue streams

Finally making it to a yoga class

A helpful email filled with some good information

I had a much, much better day today.  I still had a slow morning, but was out of the house by noon.  I even went to a new restaurant that I enjoyed very much.  I had a chicken breast and vegetables, along with some chicken momos.  It was very reasonably priced which I liked.  The food was definitely better than the standard fare I find around this area.  It was presented in a nicer way, too.  I’ll definitely be going back there – who knows, maybe even for lunch tomorrow.  The view was gorgeous and I enjoyed being able to sit and enjoy it this afternoon.  

After lunch I really felt like drawing, but came home and napped instead.  I was stuffed after lunch and needed to lay down for a bit.  I got a call from the NA guy I met last night and made plans to get picked up for a meeting.  I went to the intersection not far from my apartment and waited for a minute.  When the guy showed up I hopped on the back of his bike and off we went.  Today was a sunny, warm day and it felt really nice to be buzzing through the city on the back of his bike feeling the wind and the sun on my body.  The meeting wasn’t really to far away, but I wouldn’t have been able to make it there on my own.

I enjoyed the meeting.  There were maybe 45 Nepali guys there, all of whom were very friendly.  We sat around and talked for a little while when the meeting was over and then hopped back on the bikes to go to a place for tea.  I ordered a butterscotch lassi which was really, really good.  So much for avoiding sugar…  I don’t regret that lassi at all, though.  Yum.  I’ll definitely have another when I go back.  There is another meeting tomorrow night that’s much closer to where I live.  I’m looking forward to going.  Even though the meetings are mostly in Nepali, many of the guys speak English so afterwards I can chat with them.  It was also just really nice to hang out with a group of people tonight.  A little daunting at first, but most of them were really friendly and I had some nice conversations getting to know them. I always take a while to open up to people and feel comfortable in large groups I’m not familiar with, but it shouldn’t take too long and I’m sure it’ll be like we’re all old friends.  

Things I didn’t do today:  Make any (real) progress on figuring out an income or draw.  I would have liked to have done some of both of them.  Oh, and make it to a yoga class to get some exercise.  I should be in bed soon (it’s 11 pm now) so the early morning yoga class could be a possibility.  I’ve now set my alarm 3 days in a row and decided in the morning to forego the class.  Tomorrow might be the lucky day!  I was going to hit up the evening class across the street from me today, but the timing ended up conflicting with the meeting tonight.  I could make it there tomorrow and still make it to the meeting in the evening.  I guess as a worst case scenario that’s what I’ll do tomorrow.  I would really like to make it to one of these yoga classes.

I did look briefly at a couple websites about making money writing online. I found a couple things I’d like to explore a little more.  I think tomorrow I’ll bring my laptop to lunch and see if I can use the internet to do some research while my food is being prepared.  It always takes a while for that.  And really, I don’t think I’ll end up making much money online, but having some money coming in right now (even a small amount) would be really helpful.  Especially if it was money I could continue making while making my transition into whatever is next.

Today was a day well spent.  I can’t say I was overly productive, but I enjoyed the day and felt like my time was well spent.

Gratitude List:

Finally making it to a meeting in Pokhara

Meeting a really great, friendly group of guys

A tasty, healthy lunch

I had a really difficult day. In fact, at certain points I felt like it was a definite possibility I was cracking up.  That’s never a fun feeling.  I’m not really sure what to do.  I think that it might be a good idea for me to get the fuck out of Nepal, go to India for a brief period and then get home.  I’m not really sure why I feel like this.  I mean I’m basically living the dream – my dream, but for some reason I’m just not very happy with it.  Really though, at face value I should love this place:  I have no responsibility, I can sleep in everyday and nap whenever the hell I want to, the views are beautiful and the food is so very, very tasty.  Why I feel not only discontented, but like I might not be able to spend even a few more days here is beyond me.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  

I went to lunch today at a restaurant that has cheap butter chicken.  I’ve eaten there a fair amount.  Jackson was there and I had a brief conversation with him.  I have a feeling he could feel the despair coming from me during our brief conversation.  And basically, that’s what I was feeling at that moment.  I don’t know why!  It’s terrible, though.  I don’t have much more of this in me.

I think that part of the problem is that I’m waiting too long to eat in the morning.  This morning I got up around 9 am and didn’t eat much until I decided to leave for lunch around 1 pm.  By that time I’d gone a long period without eating.  I’ve started to notice more how much it affects my mood when I do that.  I need to make sure to eat something earlier in the morning.  Or at least get out of the house earlier.  I think another possible problem is the amount of sugar I’ve been guzzling everyday (not to mention the caffeine it usually comes with).  I think that tomorrow I’m going to work harder at avoiding caffeine.  I’ve developed more than a slight addiction to the masala and milk teas – both of which have caffeine in them.  In addition to the caffeine, I always add a lot of sugar whenever I drink them.  It’s really quite bad and I’ve let it get out of control.  I think that if I avoid the sugar and caffeine for a few days (if I’m able to) I’ll feel much, much better about everything.  It’s worth a try anyway.  It’s definitely worth a try.

I called an NA guy in KTM today. He got me in touch with an NA guy here who called me this evening and then drove over here on his bike.  We got tea and talked for a while which was nice.  I will hopefully get to a meeting tomorrow.  I appreciate him coming over here.  I also feel like I’m working a terrible program because, let’s face it, I’m working a terrible program.  I’ve been making half-hearted attempts to work the steps for like two years now.  I’ve never really worked with a sponsor very consistently and it’s been a very, very long time since I worked through the steps.  Now I’m here in Nepal and the NA guys are all really nice, but I don’t think a lot of them have worked the steps.  I think part of the problem is many of them just aren’t as familiar with the program as they are other places.  I wish I was a better AA/NA person so that I could try to help in some way.  Oh well.  They’re probably better off than I realize.  It just makes me feel like such a fraud.  I’ve been going to meetings for 6 years and have never sponsored someone.  I take and take and take, but never seem to work very hard at giving back.  What an asshole move on my part.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day.  I’ll make sure to eat more in the morning and get out for lunch before the day is gone.  I’m also hoping to spend some time drawing.  I’ve certainly got the free time to do it.  That’s for sure.

I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for the last 20 minutes trying to get the new post page to load. I can get to the site, but as soon as I try to load a new post it just works and works and never actually works. This is a frequent occurrence (nightly) when I decide to write an update. Most days I probably spend more time trying to get it loaded than I do actually writing an update. I’ve given up tonight and am typing out an update on my iphone. The 3G network seems to be much more reliable (and faster) than the Internet ever is here. I want to go to bed and am tired of fucking around with my computer.

I actually made it on a hike today! I’m so tired right now. I left my apartment a little after noon. Once I started making my way it took about an hour and a half to reach the stupa. The first 45 minutes is spent walking through Pokhara and getting to the trail. Once I’m on the trail it’s like a whole other world. I didn’t encounter a single other person on the walk up. It was just me in a quiet forest. I really enjoyed that. Once I got to the top the views are so amazing, too. I sat at the top for a little while and drank some water before continuing on my way. I was hoping to continue walking to another lookout point, but there was a landslide since the last time I was there and the trail was out. I managed to find the trail that went back down to the lake to the boats, but got confused and decided to just walk back the way I came. I was very tired by the time I made it home, but grateful to have gotten some exercise today. I didn’t eat much before the hike so I was planning to get some dinner as soon as I got back. There is a steakhouse I was going to check out, but once I saw the prices I decided to skip it. I was also drenched in sweat and since it was starting to rain I figured I’d run home and shower and get an umbrella. I did stop and by some junk food at the corner store I like. Once I got home I ate a bunch of the junk food and then took a nap for a while. I did eventually make it up and get showered. Afterwards I went to a nearby restaurant for dinner because it was raining.

All in all it was a pretty good day. I feel really tired right now and like I’ll sleep well. I think I was up past 2 am last night so a earlier bedtime tonight will be great. Who knows, maybe I’ll even make it to the yoga place tomorrow morning. That would be great!

Tomorrow I’m also going to make sure to get some butter chicken or chicken tikka masala with garlic naan. Yum! I wanted some for dinner, but the restaurant I went didn’t have it on the menu and I didn’t feel like going much further in the rain. H sent me a message from Delhi saying how much better it tastes there. This concerns me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to leave India if it really is a lot better. Live and learn, I suppose.

Gratitude List:
Getting a fair amount of exercise today
A relaxing evening with a book and an early bedtime
Feeling like my day was well spent

My day was, not surprisingly, quite uneventful.  When I woke up this morning my first thought was “what a wonderful day to go for a hike.”  After morning pages, meditating for a little while (with a nap, afterwards, of course) and some drawing I found it to be well into the afternoon.  As a result, the hike never happened.  When I left to eat dinner I ended up buying a hat which I’ve been meaning to do.  I feel like I have a better chance tomorrow since I’ll be able to leave the house prepared to hike.  Today I couldn’t because there was no way I was going to spend that much time in the direct sun (even with sunscreen!).  I know that I would feel so much better if I got some exercise.  Now that it’s past 1 am I highly doubt that the morning yoga class is going to happen.  

I started using facebook with a stupid account that doesn’t have my real name because someone told me that’s how the gay guys in Nepal meet.  Sure enough, there are a few facebook groups dedicated to gay guys in Nepal.  I’ve now tried joining all of them, but have only been added in one group.  I chatted with a couple guys earlier tonight.  I’m not really sure I’m up for the struggle of meeting any guys.  It also seems to be primarily focused on hooking up.  I’d love to mess around with a hot, Nepali guy, but I’m not willing to jump right into bed with one until I feel comfortable.  Who knows, though.  Maybe I’ll be able to meet someone for coffee or dinner.  

Today was, to be honest, not the greatest day I’ve ever had.  I found myself crying this morning.  I think I’m processing through some things and releasing them.  I figure the crying was a good thing.  I don’t feel depressed and afterwards I felt better.  I don’t feel stuck, anyway, so that’s good.

I ran across a very large, gross cockroach in the sink this evening.  I tried to shoe it into the garbage can so that I could let it go outside, but the cockroach was having none of that.  It ran away and then I lost it underneath the stove.  Blergh.  When I went back into the kitchen later on there were two cockroaches.  I managed to smash one and throw it outside, but the other got away.  I don’t like the idea of there being a massive cockroach inside even if it is in the other room.  I’ll probably go looking for it before bed in the hopes that I can smash it and be done with them.  Ugh, I really don’t like cockroaches.

I really like the drawing that I completed today.  Well, it’s mostly complete anyway.  It still feels a little unfinished.  And it also feels a little cookie cutter.  Boring.  Like it’s missing something – that it has no pizzazz. I might wake up in the morning and see something I want to add, but for the most part I think I’m done and it’s going on the wall.  It’s different than my other drawings.  I like it, though.  Like my technique is changing and evolving.  I still like the other ones, but they feel more amateurish than this one does.  It’s nice to see progress when it comes to drawing.

Tomorrow is going to be an absolutely fantastic day.  I am going to start making a point of getting out of this apartment earlier.  I can’t get up and then just bum around here all day.  It makes me crazy.  I spent 50 minutes writing morning pages this morning because I wrote backwards and right handed.  After, if I meditate, shower and whatever else the I’m already 3 hours into the day before I’ve even thought about leaving my apartment.  I need to work at becoming more efficient in the morning so those things flow and I can get out early enough to grab some lunch or go for a hike before I start to feel like I’m losing my mind.  

And with that I’m off to bed.  I think tomorrow will be really cool.  I think the hat and I will go on a hike.  Yay!