I’m going trekking tomorrow.  We are going to trek to the Annapurna Base Camp.  It will most likely take us 6-7 days to do.  I’m really excited.  I just don’t want to sit around and not do anything anymore.  I want to be busy.  I feel like I have a lot hanging over my head right now in terms of figuring what my next steps will be that when I’m not busy I feel like I’m just wasting time.

I’ve spent the last few days downloading podcasts.  They take forever to download and I know the internet will probably be pretty nonexistent on the trek so I wanted to download as many as possible before going.  I’m starting to feel like a hoarder.

After trekking I’ll have a couple days of sitting around Pokhara before heading back to Kathmandu to finish up the Indian visa stuff.  I’m really excited about moving on.  I packed up everything tonight and moved my large suitcase to the guesthouse I stayed in when I first got here.  I’ve only been here a month, but this place has started to feel like home. It wasn’t a lot of fun to be packing things up again.  I hate having to do that, especially considering the amount of stuff I have.  Blergh.  My suitcase is super full and that’s not super fun.  I plan to dump a few of the things before leaving Pokhara which will help, but it’s still going to be super heavy.  I’m sick of dragging this stuff all around.  Oh well.  I’ll be flying to Delhi and leaving the suitcase there while I travel around with just a backpack.  That won’t be too bad.  And after that it’ll just be another flight back to the US so I really won’t have to lug it around for too much longer.

It’s hot here.  It’s been hot and humid all day.  It sounds like it’s finally starting to rain outside which is great because I really, really don’t want to try to sleep with it this hot and humid.  The rain should at least help cool it down and make the air a little less humid.

It’s strange to think this is my last night sleeping in this apartment.  I walked around the lake for a while today.  It was nice.  It sure is beautiful here.  I’m going to miss it, despite not being super happy while I was here.  Funny how that works.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday and the woman was describing her experience in activism and coming to the conclusion that it was “the camp she belonged to” or something like that.  I keep thinking about that in regards to my own life.  I’ve spent the last year and a half pretty intensely trying to develop a relationship with a higher power and understanding spirituality at a deeper level.  Right now I’ve got about 14 podcasts on the subject on my phone.  I think it’s pretty clear what camp I belong to.  It’s good information to have, but I still don’t know quite where it will lead me.  I’d really like someone to come in and remove much of the uncertainty of my current and future life, but I realize that’s not going to happen.  And honestly, if it did I probably wouldn’t like it much.  It’s kind of cool I guess to not know where life is going to take me.  Scary, yes, but pretty awesome, too. There are tons of scenarios that could play out.  I’m excited to see which one finally does.  I’m still hopeful that it’s going to be an awesome ride!

Gratitude List:

Moving on from Pokhara, even if it’s happening pretty slowly

Becoming one step closer to home

A super beautiful week of trekking ahead of me

I have a super exciting opportunity ahead of me.  My life is going to massively change again, soon.  I’ll be back in the US in not too long.  I’m really excited for some things – being able to join a gym and work out regularly, being able to date again, seeing my family and friends, as well as the ability to pursue a new course. I’m not excited about other aspects of being back – mainly the job/work situation.  I don’t know what I’ll do to support myself. I’m open to doing a lot of different things. My main concern is that I’ll become overwhelmed with the job search and lose hope.  Or, feeling overwhelmed with the job search and having lost hope, take a job that I know won’t be right for me so that I have an income again.  This past year has been really difficult and when I’ve found myself working a job my heart isn’t into it’s been excruciatingly difficult to continue showing up and working.  I just don’t have that tolerance anymore.  I hope to remain positive and make something happen relatively quickly.  Finding something that I like to do that pays me decently enough would be remarkably wonderful.  I have a lot of skills and positive traits.  I’m also funny as shit, fun to be around, people like me and as a result generally want to help me if they can.  I need to remember that.  People like me and want to help me when they can.  Accept help. Done.

I didn’t really enjoy today.  I felt perturbed all day and my mood was noticeably off.  I went to a yoga class thinking that would help things, but it really didn’t.  I even found the guy running the class to be annoying as shit and didn’t want to spend much time around him at all.  He was one of those know it all types.  The only joy I got out of that class was seeing the flash of anger when I asked him, in front of the other woman who attended class, about getting the 5th class free after paying for 4.  I don’t have much intention of going back there so it won’t actually apply to me, but I think she’ll be getting a free class tomorrow.  Fucker.

I think I’ll leave for a trek with Sushil sooner rather than later.  Perhaps on Friday.  That means I’d have to pack everything and get it out of this apartment tomorrow.  I’m ok with that.  I don’t have much else I have to do tomorrow.  I’m going to ask Marla if I can store a bag at her place and then I can stay there when I get back from the trek.  I’ll probably just be there for two days.  I also plan to book the bus tickets back to Kathmandu tomorrow.  I’d really like to get better seats and I’m hoping if I book the tickets far enough in advance that she can make that happen.  My tentative plan is to go trekking, come back to Pokhara and then a week from Sunday leave for Kathmandu.  I can get the Indian visa processed and then book a flight to India.  I don’t really want to book one until after I have the visa.  I’d rather wait until the last minute rather than booking a flight and being nervous that I won’t be able to make it.  I’m also thinking I’ll skip the Buddhism course in Kathmandu and just be on my way.  At this point it just feels like that would be prolonging the inevitable and I’m not sure I’d really enjoy it.  I’m ready to get home and tarrying any longer doesn’t appeal to me.  It’s not like I won’t be able to travel again.  And who knows, maybe I’ll find some great job that involves traveling a fair amount and I’ll get to see the world on someone else’s dime.  That would be amazing!

Gratitude List:

The desire to stay positive and not let my negative emotions run amok

Finally moving on from Pokhara and this apartment

Being able to look forward to another few days of trekking!

The bus ride back to Pokhara was much less than enjoyable.  The A/C didn’t work and the guy refused to let me sit in one of the front seats.  I ended up sitting in the very back row in the middle seat so as to have enough room to stretch my legs.

The bus ride took over 8 hours.  It’s beautiful going through the mountains, but it was constant turning and by the end of it I had a headache and didn’t feel very good.  I came right home, ate a bunch of chocolate and some cheesecake I bought from the cheese lady, and took a nap.  The nap was wonderful.

Afterwards, I went to this cafe I really like.  I sat down, got a menu and then debated what to order.  I really wanted some chicken chilly since I discovered how good it is while in Lumbini.  It’s basically an appetizer, but it cost about the same as the meal I usually get.  I sat there thinking about how I should just be a fatty and order the chicken chilly and chicken tikka masala (which I adore) when an attractive man walked in.  Someday I would like to have one of my own, and in order to do that I’m going to need to lose some weight.  Not because no one could love me while I’m this fat, but rather because it would be nearly impossible for me to allow someone to love me while I’m this fat.  I feel gross and repulsive nearly all the time.  Seldom is there a reprieve from that feeling.

I decided to order just the chicken chilly and some tea.  I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t quite as tasty as it was at the guesthouse in Lumbini.  Tomorrow I’ll satiate my fix for chicken tikka masala.

I talked to the tall, young attractive man for a little while.  He’s German.  I want one.  Preferably sooner rather than later.

Tomorrow I will do at least one thing that will support my becoming more comfortable with my body.

Gratitude List:

The motivation needed to make the changes required to be at a place (mentally and physically) where dating is an option

Future Nepal plans falling into place

Relaxing back in Pokhara

I really enjoyed biking around Lumbini today.  The place, as a whole, is pretty fascinating.  There were clearly grand plans at one point that fell a little short.

I rented a bike this morning and started to bike to the temples I didn’t get to visit yesterday.  There are some really impressive, beautiful temples.  There are also some that either aren’t as impressive and beautiful, or are still in the process of being completed.  Some of them look like they’ve been under construction for a very long time and that they’ll stay under construction (perhaps forever).

It was very hot today – like above 90 degress F.  It rained in the morning, but the afternoon sun was scorching.  I wore a hat, applied lots of sunscreen and drank plenty of water, but I’m still exhausted from the day.  I did really enjoy Lumbini.  It’s quite spread out and definitely rough around the edges.  It’s beautiful, though.  And the swamps and cattails reminded me of home in Minnesota.  I love how there are these opulent temples right next to other ones that look derelict.

I’m really glad I decided to come here.  I also got lots of time to think and reflect today.  It’s been wonderful.

I’m getting up early in the morning to catch the bus which means it’s going to be a very early night.

Gratitude List:

Discovering that chicken chilly is really wonderful

Being in such a magnificent place

Riding a bike for the first time in a while

I’m in Lumbini.  It was a very long and not so comfortable bus ride to get here, but all in all it wasn’t so bad.  The views along the way were stunning.  I liked the views on the way here more than the ones on the way to Pokhara from Kathmandu.  Despite the length of the bus ride, I’m excited for the bus back simply for the views.

I found a place to stay pretty easily after I got off the bus.  The first place I went into wanted 4000 rupees/night so I thanked the man and walked to the next place.  The guy here only asked 600 rupees/night and the room is totally decent so I took it.  I’m not sure if I could have bargained with him to knock the price down.  It’s inexpensive to begin with so I just offered to pay the price he asked.  I feel like it’s fair.

I visited Buddha’s birthplace after dumping my bag in the guesthouse.  I then walked around the development zone and visited a couple of the monasteries as well.  I’m going to try to get an early day in the morning so that I can spend all day wandering around.  I’d like to visit many of the monasteries and the museum, as well.  I got a jump start on some of it today so I think that’s more than doable. And, if I don’t end up seeing all the monasteries and stupas I’ll survive.  I definitely don’t need to visit all of them before leaving.  Seeing Buddha’s birthplace was pretty cool and kind of the main attraction, I think.

There is a moth in this room.  I think there was another bug as well which I flicked to the floor, but it might have just been something dark that freaked me out and looked like a bug.  I really hope this place doesn’t have bed bugs or anything else.  I’m actually not super excited about going to sleep.  I might decide to sleep in pants and a shirt tonight.  It would provide me with some peace of mind at least.

I’m glad I’m here and glad that I’m leaving the day after tomorrow.  I know I write this everyday, but I am ready to be home, but I feel like there are a couple of things I still need to check off my list before I can go home.  Visiting Lumbini is one of those things.

Gratitude List:

Seeing the birthplace of Buddha

Walking around in nature for a good part of the afternoon

Beautiful views on the bus ride to Lumbini

I bought bus tickets to Lumbini tomorrow. I’m not really that excited to go, but I feel like I should visit it before leaving Nepal.  The bus ride is about 8 hours which I’m also not excited about.  The thought of staying here in Pokhara doesn’t really appeal to me either, though.  I’m going to make the most of it.  I’ll only be there for two nights and then I’ll take the bus back.  It should be ok.

I can’t finish up my Indian visa in Pokhara which means I’ll have to go to Kathmandu to do that.  It also means I’ll end up staying in Kathmandu for 3 days at least while I’m getting that processed.  It really would have been much easier to just get it taken care of while I’m here.  Such is life, I suppose.

I’m going to spend just a minute packing and then go to bed.  I have to be at the bus pretty early which isn’t going to be a lot of fun.  From past experience, I know the bus rides are much less enjoyable when I’ve gotten too little sleep.  It’s quite hard to do anything more than a jerky nap while on the bus.

I really am looking forward to getting home.  I still haven’t made any decisions as to whether I’ll do another trek or just take off.  I’m tempted to take off, but we’ll see.

H has been annoying me.  He sent me a dick picture of a guy he was planning to hook up with tonight. It doesn’t annoy me too much when he tells me about these things when I’m around him, but to just send me a picture like that is definitely crossing a line.  I asked him not to do it again.  The thing is, I’m lonely too.  I don’t want to get all passive aggressive about it, but I’m really not sure I’ll even try to hang out with him much more before leaving.  I think he’s a good guy, but I just don’t want to get sucked into that black hole of emotion anymore.  It’s not super fun.

I should really just do one thing at once. I started looking at flights to Delhi from Kathmandu.  The extra baggage fee on the first one I looked at is pretty outrageous – nearly the amount of the flight itself.  This annoys me.  It also concerns me that the baggage limit looks really low compared to what I’m used to.  Looks like I’ll have to start abandoning stuff again… Blergh.  I think I pretty much got rid of everything excess when I left Istanbul.  I’ll need to do some more research and take a look at the stuff I do have.  I’m pretty sure there are a few things I can probably dump, but I also was hoping to buy some souvenirs for people back home.  It’ll all workout though.  I can always call the airlines to double check the baggage requirements.  I think I can get this figured out.  Thankfully I don’t need to do it right now.

Gratitude List:

A relaxing massage

A friendly face in Lakeside

Finishing up what I’d like to see in Nepal

We walked and walked and walked today. I’m tired. I went to bed really early last night and still managed to sleep for quite a while. I woke up at times during the night, but overall slept quite well. I’m looking forward to going to bed soon… Another early night, but hopefully I’ll be waking up to a beautiful sunrise tomorrow morning. It’s not raining right now so I have hope that it might happen.

I’m really looking forward to being back in the US. It’s been life changing to spend this much time abroad and traveling. I’m ready to shift gears though. I’m also excited for the fresh perspective on my life and this adventure I think being back will give me. I know it’s going to be tough, but I’ve been able to accomplish a lot since I left the US. And, I have to say, I’ve shown a lot of courage and persistence in making all this happen. If I show even a fraction of that when I get back I’ll totally figure out what I want to do.

I’m excited to be back in Pokhara tomorrow. I imagine I’ll probably stay a couple days and then leave for Lumbini, but I’m determined to enjoy the last bit of time I have here before leaving.

Gratitude List:
A comfortable bed in a nicer room tonight
A good, satisfying meal
Time to think about this new phase of my life I’ll be entering very soon

I’m excited to go to bed.  I’m also excited to get to sleep in tomorrow and to be sleeping in my own bed again tonight.  It’s past midnight and I feel exhausted right now.  It’s not surprising considering that I’ve been going to bed at 9 pm the last few days.  I still don’t quite know what I’ll do as far as future travel plans, but that should become clear within the next few days.  I know that trekking for a few more days would be really fun, but I’ve still got India ahead of me and I’m basically ready to fly home.  The right course of action will become clear.  I just have to be patient and let it fall into place.

I got dinner with H tonight.  He was very negative the whole time about not wanting to be in Pokhara and feeling lonely.  I like him and hope for the best, but I simply can’t be the guy to pull him out of this.  I just don’t have it in me right now.

Gratitude List:

Butter chicken after what feels like a super long break from it

Sleeping in my own bed tonight

Not having to get up for anything tomorrow

It’s still early, but I just want to go to bed. I’m tired. We trekked for about 4 hours today. It was beautiful, but not as beautiful as yesterday’s trek. We spent more time today walking down gravel roads that were pretty beat up. Yesterday the trek was mostly done on a mountain path that winded through the forest. I definitely still enjoyed the trek today. There were some very beautiful views along the way that I’m grateful I got to see.

We have been just hanging out at the guesthouse since we arrived this afternoon. It has rained quite a bit, but not as hard or as long as it did yesterday. I ate some food and took a nice nap when we arrived. There is also a group of Japanese tourists who are staying here as well. I really liked the hotel yesterday. This place isn’t as comfortable and the view isn’t as beautiful. It’s not bad or anything, but yesterday was so peaceful and there was a lot more space.

Tomorrow we will trek to one more town and stay the night. The next day we’ll make it back to Pokhara. I have to admit, I’m looking forward to being back in Pokhara and having the comfort of the city again. It’s beautiful and the food is much better. My apartment is also quite comfortable and I miss it. I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed and eating some delicious chicken tikka masala or butter chicken with garlic naan. Yum!

I’m also excited to figure out going to Lumbini. A part of me feels like after going to Lumbini I’ll have done most everything in Nepal I’d hoped to do: visited some cool towns, completed a meditation course, and gone trekking. That also means I’ll be free to leave without feeling like I’ve not done anything I should do. I might still decide to go on another trek, but I also might decide to take off for India and be done with Nepal. Another trek would be amazing, but I’m not sure I have the time, money or motivation to do the 10 day trek I have in mind. My plan is to wait it out and not make any decisions yet. I’ll see how I feel about it after this one is done. I think once I’ve visited Lumbini I’ll know if it’s time for me to go or stick around long enough to do one more trek. I have a feeling I’ll be ready to leave by then. I’m not feeling overly homesick right now, but I am still really looking forward to making it home. I feel much more confident and better about figuring out my next steps and what I want to do with my life. Something pretty awesome will present itself and then I’ll do that. I have many different options and tons of different things I can explore. Yay for that!

It’s 8 pm right now and I really want to go to bed. I think I’ll read for just a little while and then meditate before going to bed. I meditated this morning for 40 minutes which was pretty awesome. I’m really glad to be enjoying it again and to be able to sit for a full 40 minutes. For too long after the course I couldn’t bring myself to sit for more than 20 minutes.

Gratitude List:
Another beautiful day trekking
A good, long night’s sleep ahead of me
One phase of my life ending and a whole new one on the horizon

I don’t think I’ll be able to get this to update, but I figure what the hell. I’ll give it a try anyway.

We left the home stay this morning and walked for about 3 hours. Despite still not seeing the major mountain range, the views are still amazing. I really enjoyed the trek today.

We made it to Dhampus around 1 pm. I sat, ordered some tea and listened to a great On Being podcast. It was about yoga, but it was really about so much more than that. I really want to investigate yoga more. I think it could be good for me to do a week (or several) practicing yoga in India before heading back to the states. I also feel like going on another trek before leaving Nepal. I could do a shorter one – like 4 days, or a longer one. I really like this trek and it would be amazing to do like a 10 day trek. I’ll see how it feel about it when this is done. I would also need to think about whether I can afford to pay Sushil for being my guide on a longer trek. It would definitely save on the cost if I tried to do it alone, but I like him and it’s nice to trek with him. I imagine that the other treks will have many more tourists on them so it should be easier for me to meet people. That way I would be trekking alone, either.

If I do another one I’m probably going to bring my computer as well as pens and drawing paper. Each day we trek in the morning while the rest of the day is spent just hanging out. It’s been nice because it’s really relaxed, but I wish I could be drawing. Today I listened to the podcast while staring at the beautiful view. I then meditated and practiced Reiki. Afterwards, I read a book and drank tea. Then I watched 1.5 movies on tv.

I’m tired now and looking forward to bed. I didn’t sleep super well last night because I kept on waking up and then being awake for a while before I could fall back asleep. Tomorrow we are going to get up early to watch the sunrise. I really hope it’s clear and that I can finally glimpse the big mountain range that has been hiding behind clouds since I got to Pokhara.

Gratitude List:
A beautiful day trekking
Getting to relax and watch a movie
Another wonderful podcast with KT