I made it to Kathmandu. I’m bummed I won’t be seeing Alex anymore. He was on the same bus, but much further back so I only talked to him when we stopped. I really want a man of my own. Preferably someone attractive like him. Hmm.

I took a short nap when I got here and afterwards checked the movie listings. Maze Runner just came out. I remember reading that book at B and N while still working in Minneapolis so I got really excited and went and saw the movie. It took a while to walk there and the streets were crowded, but it was definitely nice and relaxing once I got there. Well, aside from the cell phone talkers in the theater. Those people clearly don’t know if we were in America they would be shot for doing something like that. Literally shot. It’s been forever (well, since I was in Turkey anyway) since I watched a movie. It was nice to just sit. The walk back was also much more relaxed because there were very few people on the streets. It was a little creepy, but so much less hectic with very few horns and cars and motorbikes.

I’m exhausted right now. I got up at 6 am this morning to get the bus and didn’t get to bed nearly as early last night. I Feel this streak of going to bed ridiculously early and getting up way too early coming to an end. Oh well. It was kind of nice change of pace.

I have had a lot of people messaging me on g since getting here. I’m really not that interested in meeting anyone. I would be, but I just feel like such a tubby lard of shit that meeting anyone – even with clothes on – isn’t an idea I’m totally excited about. I suppose we’ll see. Maybe I’ll magically feel better about this situation tomorrow. I still don’t think I’ll want to meet anyone for fooling around, at least not specifically for that – if it happens it happens.

In the morning I’m going to Indian visa office and will hopefully get that all taken care of. I’m excited to finally be done with that. As it turns out, I probably could have had them put it in over a month ago. Oh well.

Today was a pretty good day. I think that tomorrow will be too. I’ve got to do some shopping for trinkets and other such stuff. I feel like my backpack has gotten lighter so I’m excited about that. I also need to book my flight to Delhi. Once I’ve handed in my passport and know that I can go back tomorrow I’ll feel fine booking a flight. There were a few I was looking at already I just need to check the baggage policy. My big suitcase has definitely gotten lighter since I’ve managed to abandon a few more things, but I’ve still got a whole bunch of stuff. It’ll be ok though. I dragged the backpack down the dusty, not real roads of Kathmandu on the way to this guesthouse after getting off the bus and managed fine. I wouldn’t want to drag everything all over India, but flying to Delhi and dumping my suitcase there will work well.

Gratitude List:
Back in KTM and moving on with things
The desire and motivation to get myself back in shape so I can jump back into the dating game
A relaxing time watching an interesting movie

Today was my last day in Pokhara. It’s also one of my last days in Nepal. In all likelihood it’s only a few more days and I’ll be in India. I’m starting to get more excited about being there. Even if I only stay a little while, I imagine it’ll be quite the experience. I’m trying to keep that in mind.

I spent the day relaxing. I walked along the lake and took pictures, while thinking about how this will be my last day here. It’s funny because I really can’t wait to leave. Pokhara is beautiful and everything, but it’s been difficult being here. Just like it was difficult being in Turkey and everywhere else I’ve been. I really enjoyed the trekking which made coming here more than worth it. Despite the fact I’m ready to go (and really want to go) it’s still strange to be leaving. This place has basically been my home base for the last month and a half and now I’m headed back into the abyss. Well, sort of, anyway.

I’ve pretty much run out of the case I had. Trekking was sort of expensive, but I’ve somehow managed to burn through the money I had left afterwards. I’ve been spending tons of money lately. Well, tons is probably not the right word, but I’ve been spending more money than I need to. Mostly on food.

Today was a food appreciation day. There were a few places I wanted to visit knowing I won’t be able to go back to them. I ate and ate and ate. Right now I don’t feel so gross and full, but earlier I felt just disgusting. I ate until I was quite stuffed and then a couple hours later when I didn’t feel full again ate some more. Tomorrow I don’t plan to eat as much. I also decided that this morning I was going to avoid sugar and caffeine all day. I did manage to avoid caffeine, but I ate some sugar earlier. I suppose at least I managed on one. I bought some chocolate covered almonds and still have two packages of them left so I imagine that tomorrow won’t be a sugar free day either. I’ll still try to avoid the caffeine and it should be ok.

I can’t believe it’s midnight right now. I haven’t been up this late in over a week. I got up at 6:30 am today. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow as well to do morning pages and then catch the bus to Kathmandu. The bus ride won’t be fun, but it’s bearable. I know the drill.

For my second dinner I went to a place down the street that I’ve been to a lot. I like it. The food is reasonably priced and tastes good. As I walked in I saw this guy, Alex, who’s staying in my guesthouse with Marla the woman who runs it. He’s this young, dreamy English guy. Like we’re talking really, really attractive – fit with a beautiful face and smile. I sat down at a table by myself and was hoping to eat the meal I didn’t need in peace and quiet. I then realized that sitting at the tables next to me was this group that was trekking to ABC while I was. I didn’t talk to them that much, but said hi along the way and made some idle chit chat. Before I know it, I’m basically sitting with them and Alex has joined us. It wasn’t so bad being around them. I wanted to be by myself, but I’m usually better off when I’m with people. Even if I’m just sitting there not talking. I can’t be by myself all the time. I mean I can try, but it’s not good for me. Herman called so I met him afterwards and said goodbye while he was having dinner with a couple other people and then I went to a bar down the street and met the trekking group/Alex again. I think he’ll be on my bus to Kathmandu tomorrow so it’s possible I’ll get to spend lots of time chatting with him. I think he might actually be gay. I can’t imagine him being interested in me and even if he was I’d be so uncomfortable messing around with him. Touching his perfectly sculpted, athletic body while I swallow him with my rolls doesn’t sound like something I’d enjoy.

I need to get to bed. I’m somewhat packed. I figure it’s not going to take long for me to throw the rest of my stuff into my suitcase and backpack. I have way to much stuff, but I managed to get rid of a few things here so that’s good. I still don’t know how much it all weighs and if I buy some singing bowls it’ll get even heavier. I’ll make it work though. I’ve somehow managed to until now.

I lost two toenails already and I can tell the big toenail on my right foot is going to be coming off soon. Oh well. Such is the life of trekker, I suppose. I figure toenails are totally overrated anyway.

Gratitude List:
Being around some people even if I didn’t really want to be
Finally headed back to KTM tomorrow
A (possibly gay) guy who also happens to be really nice and cool

I’m going to bed soon. I do imagine I’ll make it past 10 pm. That’s probably a good thing. I woke up around 6 am today. It’s really strange to be getting up so early. I kind of like it, though. Now if only the restaurants started serving lunch earlier. I hate having to wait so long for it.

I got a really fantastic piece of writing from a friend of mine today. Tomorrow I’m going to email him back to let him know how much I liked it. I feel like I have lots of friends working on writing and that I’m still just dicking around with mine. I haven’t really tried to produce anything I would use for anything. It makes me sad. I need, and want, to start focusing more attention on it. Tomorrow I will work on writing something. Yes, that sounds like a great idea.

I met this attractive Australian guy today. He came over to where I’m staying. We chatted and then he said “shall we have a wank” or something like that. We fooled around – nothing more than jerking off and I sucked him for a little bit. I enjoyed it. It was a good experience, which I’m grateful for. Despite the fact it’s difficult for me to be sexually intimate with people right now because of how I feel about my body and how I look. He was nice and I felt relatively comfortable the whole time. I don’t imagine I’ll be seeing him again. I’d like to, but I don’t want to ask him to come over again. I figure I should probably just leave it be and be grateful to have had the experience.

I feel really sad right now. It’s not terrible to feel this way, but I haven’t had quite this feeling in a while. Like I’m depleted and want nothing more than to sleep now. I suppose I have no real reason I have to get up in the morning. Perhaps I won’t.

I know that cleaning up my diet – more specifically cutting out the caffeine and sugar, would work wonders for my mood. I’ve been on a roller coaster with both of them for longer than I care to think about.

Ok, I’m off to bed. Tomorrow is my last day in Pokhara and I’m excited about that. I’m looking forward to leaving and moving on. This place is great, but not for a person like me in the mental place I currently find myself. A part of me wants to skip India all together and go directly to the US from Kathmandu. If there is any problem with my Indian visa when I go in on Monday I might do just that. It’s a very appealing idea. Hmm.

Depression sucks. I’ve been feeling it chasing me down for a while now. I’m ok when I’m occupied and busy with something. Trekking was wonderful in that regard. As was Lumbini. But, as soon as I have to sit somewhere and have time to think and reflect it flows over me like this wave that’s finally been able to catch up. I know that going home will help considerably in that regard. I’ll still have the same problems confronting me, but I’ll also have some great friends around and people to help me work through them. Maybe I should fly directly home from Kathmandu. I could do it as early as Monday….

I’m going to India. I’ll just make it a quick trip like I was thinking. Less than 2 weeks and then I can fly back to the US. I really think that’s best. I’ll be able to visit India again and Thailand isn’t going anywhere. It would be fun to go back, but I imagine I’ll feel the same way I did when I was there last time: desperate, lonely and unhappy.

Gratitude List:
Some enjoyable guy time
Only one day left before moving on
Some wonderful writing in my inbox

I’ve had a challenging day. We made it back to Pokhara earlier this morning. I haven’t done much of anything since getting back. I got all settled into the guesthouse where I’ll stay until I leave to go back to Kathmandu. I do like this place. I like being here more than going back to the apartment. It doesn’t have the view, but I was pretty much over that apartment. I like this place since it’s transitional. Just a few days here and I’ll be saying goodbye to Pokhara. I like Pokhara, but it’s time to move on.

This hot Australian guy messaged me on an app. Before I know it, he’s unlocked his pics. I told him I don’t have any xxx pics and don’t send them, but he unlocked his anyway (and very nonchalantly). Normally guys don’t share them with me after I tell them I have none of my own to share. I like seeing dick pictures and his are good. We keep chatting and he asks me to send him a shirtless pic. I can’t imagine sending a shirtless pic. He then backs off in a really nice way, but brings it up again later. I told him I wasn’t home, but that I’d think about sending one when I was. I never sent it.

This whole thing really struck a nerve with me. It brought back all those feelings of inadequacy and like I don’t fit in in the gay community – basically that everyone is hanging out (or, rather, hooking up) without me. This guy said he’d like to meet tomorrow when he’s in town for a drink. I’m not sure it’s a good idea that I meet him. I’d really like to because he’s super hot, but I already feel a bit fragile and something like that could easily throw me over the edge. I suppose we’ll see. He came across as a really nice guy which is the part that really confused me. Normally the hot ones are just assholes. I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll meet him tomorrow. It kind of depends on if he messages me when he gets into town.

I don’t think using these apps is a good idea for me right now. I should really just delete them, but then I have no chance of meeting anyone. I’ll think about it, I guess.

I feel so uncomfortable with my weight right now. I also feel helpless to make any meaningful changes. Exercise has always played a big role in my body image, but I’ve never been one to exercise outside. I have confidence that once I’m back in the US I’ll join a gym and start to undo the damage I’ve done over this last year, but I don’t see myself making a lot of progress on it until then.

It’s past 10 pm. I haven’t been up this late in over a week. I’m off to bed. I have tomorrow and the next day in Pokhara. After that it’s off to Kathmandu. Yay! I’m excited to get the hell on with things.

Gratitude List:
Uncomfortable feelings that shed some honest light on a difficult subject (dating/body image)
Delicious butter chicken for lunch
The strength building inside me to allow myself to take risks and possibly fail

I’m tired and ready for bed. I think I got up today around 6 am. It’s strange to be getting up so early and going to be so early, but it’s not all bad.

There wasn’t much of a view of the mountains at all today. It was mostly overcast with lots of clouds. This evening it rained a lot, too. I hope that tomorrow morning there is more of a view.

I’m excited to be back in Pokhara tomorrow. I’ve only got a few days and then I’m off to Kathmandu and out of Nepal. I still think Thailand sounds like a really wonderful idea, but I kind of feel like I should just get on with things and get home. I’m still going to research and see what the cost of flights is. If it’s reasonable I’ll probably give Scott a call and see if he can put me up for a couple weeks. The idea of spending a couple weeks bumming around Thailand is really appealing, but the idea of getting on with things and making my way home is also really appealing.

I really enjoyed the trekking. I’m glad that I decided to do it. I haven’t done much of anything today. We played cards for a little while. I also listened to a podcast and read a book. Actually, I read a book and a half. The internet has not worked since getting here and neither has the cell phone service on my phone. I’m looking forward to being able to check some things online tomorrow. It’s strange to be totally disconnected from the outside world.

Gratitude List:
A nice, relaxing day
Reading a book about the writing life that gave me a lot to think about
Finishing the trek and moving on with things

I’m so grateful to be in Dhampus. Tomorrow I’m just going to hang out and be super lazy all day. I plan to drink tea and stare at the beautiful mountains. Our German friends are also staying here and planning to leave sometime in the afternoon so we’ll hopefully play some games or something during the day.

We started trekking this morning at 7:30 am and didn’t get to Dhampus until 5:30 pm. We stopped for lunch and rested quite a bit along the way, but it was a really long day walking through the mountains and I’m so tired right now. I spent the evening sitting by a warm fire, eating food and chatting with the Germans. It felt really good – especially knowing that tomorrow I’ll get to sleep in and I won’t have to walk anywhere. Trekking has been amazing and I’m so glad I decided to do this. What a wonderful gift to myself.

I spent a lot of the time during the trek thinking about going back to Thailand. I’m so weak. I really, really want to do it. Going is contingent on a lot of things, but it’s very possible it could work out. When I have access to the internet again I’m going to do some more research and see how much it would cost for the flights. I also need to give Scott a call and see if he minds if I crash at his place. A couple weeks in Thailand before going home would be just amazing. I hope it works out, but if it doesn’t I’ll be ok with that, too. I’m excited to get home and see family and friends. I’d maybe be better off doing that anyway.

Gratitude List:
Completing the final day of trekking
Not having to do a damn thing tomorrow
Making up and down from the basecamp with very little trouble from my knees

We got up at 5 am today to see the sunrise. We didn’t really see the sunrise, but it was immensely beautiful to view the mountain range without any clouds that early in the morning. It was also cold.

I took a bunch more pictures and then ate some breakfast before we started to make our way down. Going down was pretty hard on my knees. They feel better now, which I’m grateful for. We decided to stop short of Chomrong which means when we start tomorrow the first thing we do is climb tons and tons of steps. Sushil thinks it’s better to do it right away in the morning when we have a lot of energy. I kind of felt like it would be better just to get it out of the way tonight, but I was glad to stop today when we did because I was very tired. We stopped for lunch, but I just drank tea thinking I’d eat later on. That definitely contributed to my desire to stop earlier today.

I took a shower for the first time in 2 days. I’m always amazed when I finally figure out how to get the hot water working. It was nice to shower.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to Dhampus. We stayed there last time we went trekking, but didn’t get to see the beautiful view of the range because it was too cloudy. I imagine we’ll have better luck this time.

I talked to my Thai friend in New Zealand on the phone tonight. She made a very compelling case for visiting Thailand before going home. I’m going to give it some thought. I’d love to have some beach and relaxation time in Thailand – not to mention a few wonderful Thai massages. She won’t be there until the end of October which doesn’t work super well with my timeframe, but I’m going to give it some thought and see how I feel about it after a couple days and some research into flights. I could purchase a ticket from Thailand back to the US now if I decided to go.

Gratitude List:
Getting up at 5 am after 8 hours of sleep
Being in one of the most beautiful places in the world today
Only one more day of intense trekking ahead of us

I’m having a really great time! The trekking today was so so beautiful. I can’t believe how gorgeous this place is. I feel very lucky to be here and experiencing it. We made it to ABC around 3 pm. I took a lot of pictures of the mountains. There was a while after we got here when the clouds dispersed and we could see the mountains really well. I’m excited to get up in the morning and see the sunrise!

I got pretty emotional after arriving here. I listened to a few songs that have a lot of meaning to me and thought about my life and where it’s headed. I have dreams, but I need to work to make them happen. I feel like I’m ready to do that work. I hope so anyway.

We met a couple Germans last night who trekked with us for most of today. It’s been great fun hanging out with them and joking around.
I’ve really enjoyed their company. Tonight we played a game called Wizard which was really, really fun.

Gratitude List:
Clarity surrounding where I want my life to go
Really enjoyable moments with some new friends
Being in, arguably, the most beautiful place on Earth

We didn’t trek for as long today. We left after breakfast around 8 am. It was very beautiful. I enjoyed the views very much. We finally made it to Dovan in the afternoon – I think around 2:00 pm. Once here I took a very satisfying Reiki nap and then ate some lunch.

There is a really friendly German couple staying here. I talked to them for a while tonight. It was nice. I’ve been in a pretty big reclusive mindset these last few weeks and haven’t really met anyone. Talking with them for a bit was very enjoyable. I should try to be friendlier to people. Last night there was a large group of people I didn’t even try to meet or speak to.

Tomorrow we are going to hike up the rest of the way the base camp. The plan is to leave around 7 am and the hike is supposed to take us around 7 hours. I’m looking forward to it. It’s cold, here, now. I have a blanket which will keep me warm while I sleep, but I’m worried that tomorrow once we stop hiking I’m going to end up freezing because I didn’t bring with warmer clothes. This fleece thing I have is quite warm, but I really doubt it’s going to be warm enough tomorrow evening when the temperature starts to drop. Oh well. I’ll make do and it’s only for one night. The next day we’ll be making our way back down and things will be fine after that.

Ok, it’s 8:30 now. I’m planning to sit and meditate for a few minutes and then go to bed. I’m excited to go to bed. Yay!

Trekking…. Wow.  We left Pokhara this morning at 7 am.  We took an hour long taxi ride and started the actual trekking at 8 am.  The Annapurna Range was in clear view this morning.  I haven’t actually been able to see it like that since getting to Nepal. It is beautiful, so beautiful. There weren’t really any clouds around the mountain range so I could see most of it.  Prior to that, I’d really only been able to catch glimpses.  It was an amazing way to start the trek and the morning.

We trekked for hours today.  I enjoyed it, but there were definitely times I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue on (or that I would be able to!). We went up and down, stopped for both breakfast and lunch, walked over scary bridges and stared at the gorgeous mountain scenes on full display.  We stopped at a little place and drank some tea before the final hour.  Before we stopped there I felt like I was basically done.  The sugar in the milk tea and the caffeine helped propel me forward through that final hour.  The final hour of the trek was basically climbing up what seemed like a never ending set of stairs.  It zigzagged up the side of the mountain so I never had a great idea how much longer it was going to be.  I kept hoping that next section would be the end, but it just kept going.  At that point both Sushil and I had slowed down considerably.

We finally made it to the town and got everything figured out at the hotel around 5:45 pm – just as it was getting dark.  There was something really great about actually making it.  We trekked for so long today and I was so exhausted.  My backpack is ridiculously heavy and not very comfortable to begin with.  I have no idea how I managed to pull that off.  Every time we stopped and I took it off I was so happy, but then as soon as I put it back on I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it.  I have no idea why I brought so much stuff.  I spent most of the day thinking about everything I’d put in this bag and whether or not I really needed it.  I didn’t actually come up with very much stuff I feel I shouldn’t have brought.  The jeans are heavy and I wish I had left them at home, but Sushil specifically told me to bring jeans because it’s cold on the mountain and he felt I’d want something heavier than the thin pants I brought last time.  I suppose I could have left my laptop – it was definitely an indulgence, but one I felt was worthwhile.  Had I not brought it I wouldn’t be writing this right now, either.   I do have a shitload of cookies I’m going to have to get much, much more aggressive about eating.  They’re really not that heavy, but they do weigh down my backpack some.  I also brought a notebook of drawing paper thinking I might want to draw at some point.  In retrospect, I could have gotten away with only bringing a couple of pages.  I’m planning to tear a few out and put them in my morning pages notebook tomorrow and then leave the rest of it here.  It won’t make a big difference as far as the heaviness of my backpack, but it’ll help at least a little and for that I’m grateful.  The other problem with the backpack is that it simply isn’t very comfortable.  I mean the weight is one thing, but the straps are not as wide as they are on the nicer backpacks.  My shoulders hurt quite a bit right now from carrying that stupid heavy backpack all day.

The room here is kind of shitty.  Sushil ended up in a much nicer room and the couple of times I’ve walked down there I’ve peeked my head in and found myself jealous of his room.  It’s larger and in the main section.  My room is like it was an afterthought.  It’s super small with these two single beds and the walls are wood and don’t look well constructed.   I went to use the bathroom earlier and saw what looked like massive, massive mosquitos.  I definitely don’t want them in my room, but I have no faith these walls will be able to keep them out.  I turned out the light in the room so the only light right now is from my laptop.  I hope to God that isn’t enough to attract them.

Speaking of God, I was thinking about him today and a conversation I’d like to have with my Grandma.  I really want to investigate this further.  In fact, I don’t think I’ll be able to not investigate this God thing further.  It’s captured my interest and I want to find out more about it.  The thing is, I don’t really think that Christianity is going to get me there.  I’m most interested in searching for him through the mystical traditions.  It’s also very difficult for me to turn a blind eye to all the hypocrisy in Christianity.  I’m sure it exists in other religions as well, but for some reason I have a harder time accepting it in Christianity.  We’ll see where that takes me.

The other thing I was thinking about today, and what I’m really grateful for, is changing how I perceive this move back to the states.  I mean sure, I can be afraid that I won’t find a job, or all I’ll be able to figure out is one that is terrible that I hate.  The other way to look at it is that I have this opportunity, and a really exciting one.  I get to reinvent myself.  I get to pursue things that matter to me.  I hope I can maintain a positive attitude about it all.  I have such a hard time doing that.  I’m going to pray and ask this God figure for some help in that regard.  We’ll see if it makes any difference.  I think it will.

Ok, it’s time to meditate and get to bed.  It’s only 8:45 right now, but I’m so tired and just want to lay down.  My back hurts, but I’m hoping to sit for 40 minutes before sleeping.  While waking up this morning I had another one of those instances where my mind flips into this movie mode and all of a sudden I’m watching something before my eyes without any idea where it’s originating.  I like it when that happens.  It also lasted much longer than normal.  I enjoyed it, but I don’t remember it for shit now.  Oh well.  Maybe it’ll happen again tomorrow.  I sure hope so.

We have another long day of trekking tomorrow. Sushil said to expect around 6 hours.  I think it’s going to be mostly stairs.  I am looking forward to it!

Gratitude List:

A super long, difficult day that ended in reaching our final goal

Some time spent reframing my move back to the US in a more positive light

Being able to spend some time writing