Today was out of control. It was fun, but a day of excess. I ate a lot, I gambled a lot and I drank a lot of caffeine. I’m glad it’s almost over.

I felt really worked up for much of the day. Like I was way too stimulated. It’s not often I feel that way and I don’t enjoy it anymore. It was likely a result of the caffeine, sugar and gambling. At times I felt totally out of control. I’m grateful to no longer crave that feeling.

I played a lot of slot machines. I spent most of that time playing double up bonus poker. I can’t say I really like it that much, but it seems like the best way to try to win money. And thankfully I did win some money. I am probably up $400-$500 since we got here. I spent around $100 on food and other stuff so all in all it was a good weekend. I don’t think I’ll rush back down here and I recognize I got lucky as far as winning goes. It could have just as easily gone the other way.

It’ll be nice to be back home tomorrow. I’ve got some work to do job searching and other things. I feel ready to start on that. Yay!

Gratitude List:
Leaving with more money than I came with
Not enjoying the amped up feeling anymore
Getting to hang out and have fun with friends

I’m on a bus that’s about 20 minutes away from Atlantic City. I’m excited to see my NJ family again. It’s only been a week, but it feels like it’s been much longer.

I had a really wonderful time at Christmas. It was really fun to hang out with my family and get to spend time with them. I especially enjoyed playing cards and the puzzle was fun too.

I feel terrible about leaving again. It would be great to be closer to my family and get to see them more often. If I was in Minneapolis I could do that. Not that I still couldn’t make the trip to Minnesota every couple of months. I don’t know. My mom started crying at the airport and I feel bad about it. I love my mom and enjoy spending time with her. I just don’t think I want to be in Minneapolis. I suppose it might not be so bad. Who knows. I’m not sure about my ability to get anything going on NJ/NYC. Living out here excites me a lot more, but maybe I should go back to MN and settle down there for a year or so while I figure some stuff out. It’s not a decision I need to make today and based my nearly complete inability to make a decision regarding anything ever, it’s unlikely it’s a decision I will be making today. I’ll give it some thought.

Gratitude List:
Having such a wonderful family
Getting to spend a really great week at my parents’ house
My mother

It’s Christmas!

We went to Grandma’s house earlier today. It was nice to see relatives I haven’t seen in a while and get to catch up.

We stayed up really late working on a puzzle. Well, it’s really not that late. I’ve been up this late nearly every night for the past however long, but tomorrow we are going to get up early and drive to the cities. My mom and twin brother are both going. We plan to stop at Macy’s and then grab lunch before dropping me off at the airport. I’ve got to be up in about 6 hours, but I’m still planning to meditate before bed. I’ve sat for 40 minutes for the last 3 or 4 nights. I like it.

It’s going to be strange to go back tomorrow. I’ve really enjoyed being around my family and being close to them. I still don’t think I want to be in the cities, but I also don’t know when I’ll get to see them again. I guess we’ll find out.

Gratitude List:

A nice time with relatives at Christmas

Fun playing cards and doing a puzzle

An enjoyable week at home with the family

I don’t know what I want. It’s not that I don’t want things, I just want things that appear incompatible. On the one hand, I want to settle down somewhere and have a routine. I want to get back in shape by going to the gym regularly. I want to spend time with good friends. I want to make money and I want to date. But, then there’s this other side of me that just wants to travel, to see the world and to live a different life than that more static, stationary existence.

I met my brother at the mall today so that we could buy a Christmas gift for our mother. It was nice to see him. We did find a gift and afterwards went and wandered through this store that sold random gifts. They had evil eyes from Turkey and singing bowls. I looked at them and deflated. Like, it’s over.  It’s really over. I’m not traveling anymore and I know that I don’t want to be traveling right now, but there’s still a part of me that wishes I was still on the road. I don’t want to be stuck somewhere. I don’t want to find a crappy job that I’m not going to like. I want to do exciting things and live an interesting life. I want to explore the world. I also know that I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to continue using my credit cards as my main source of cash. I want to work towards something.

As much as I want to take off and be somewhere exotic and exciting soon, I also don’t want to. It’s still hard. I’ve gained a lot by coming back to the US, but it’s come at a high price and a heavy loss as well.

Things are working out. I can be happy and I can live the life I want to live. I have a bright future.

Gratitude List:

Getting to spend some time tonight with good friends

At times feeling like I was falling back into that elusive, intoxicating undercurrent of life

Accepting what’s difficult to accept

Knowing that the difficult times will pass

I weighed myself this morning and then freaked out a bit about it. I have gained 3 pounds since I got back and started exercising again. I’m not happy about it and sometimes I wonder if I’m even making progress. Thankfully I did morning pages right afterwards and spent some time reasoning with myself.

I am making progress, but the hole I’ve dug is going to take a while to get out of. I could also be doing a better job of eating well. I’m still eating plenty of sugar and other crap. I know my progress would be faster if I had that more under control.

Tomorrow I’m going to see some friends. I’m looking forward to spending some time with them. Despite the weigh-in debacle, I was in a pretty good mood all day. I ran for 30 minutes and then used the elliptical for an hour at the gym. I’m not sure I’ll make it there for a few days now. I might tomorrow, but with the holiday and traveling on Friday I’ll probably have more than a couple days away from it. I’m hoping to get there tomorrow.

Gratitude List:

Morning pages

Spending some time with my older brother, even if there wasn’t much talking

Finally getting my haircut and looking much better because of it

I slept in late today. I really hope to stop doing that soon. I get so much sleep and then I’m just always tired. It’s annoying and something I’d like to get under control. The problem is, even if I set an alarm with the intention of getting up earlier than normal it’s impossible for me to get up because I’m still so tired when my alarm goes off. Tomorrow I’ll have to be up earlier than normal because I’ve got to give my brother a ride to an appointment. At least that should be an improvement.

I had a fun time playing cards with my parents and brother tonight. We laughed a lot. I miss being able to do things like that. I’m sure we’ll get to play again before I go back.

I went to the gym and used the elliptical machine for an hour. The last two days I’ve gotten there with only enough time to work out for an hour. I’d like to be doing a little bit more, but it’s definitely better than nothing. I still can tell I’m heavier than I’d like to be and I have some flab to lose, but I’m making progress and I try to keep that in mind. If I remember I’m going to weigh myself in the morning. I hope that I’ve at least shed a few pounds since the last time I weighed myself. I guess we’ll see.

I’m going to meditate before falling asleep tonight. It’s been a few days since I meditated before bed. I like doing it. I’ll hopefully sit for 30-40 minutes, but even if I bail after just 20 I’m ok with that. I like meditating a lot and haven’t been finding the time to do it regularly lately. I’ve been keeping up with my other practices, but the meditating seems to be the one that gets overlooked. I enjoy it so much and feel it’s good for me. I am going to try to make it more of a priority. It’s definitely good for me.

Gratitude List:

A really fun time playing cards with the family

An hour of hard work and pushing myself at the gym

The desire to change

I met my mom this morning. We got some lunch and then bummed around in Maple Grove and had a nice time doing some shopping. It’s nice to be back in MN and to see my family. I know I was just here, but I am glad that I’ll be around for a few days. It would be nice to live closer so that I could see them easily and more often. Unfortunately I just don’t think the growth opportunities exist in Minneapolis. Otherwise I’d move back there.

I looked at myself in the mirror and Josh’s today before taking a shower. I think I’m looking better. I’m still not super happy with how I look, but it wasn’t until today that I finally felt like I’m making progress and was able to see it. I’ll get there. I just have to give it some more time. I’ve also been feeling a very strong desire to actually do some dating. I want a guy in my life. I want it to be more than just a one night stand. I want someone I can count on to be there for me. Someone I can confide in and trust. Definitely someone I can have sex with regularly and cuddle with a lot. I want those things and I’m willing to put myself out of my comfort zone to make that happen. I don’t have much of any faith in the apps. I think when I get back to NJ I’ll join one of the dating websites. It’ll be good for me. I’m ready to make an earnest effort towards dating. It’s time.

I’d really like to meet someone in person. I’ll have to start doing even more stuff around the city and try meeting people. I know there’s a great guy out there for me. It’ll be fun to find him.

Gratitude List:

The desire to change

Being back at my parents’ house for a few days

Having fun playing cards

A good workout

I haven’t been to bed this early in a few days. It’s not even 1 am yet! I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night because I went to bed late and had to get up for my flight. It’s good to be back in MN. I feel like I need a break from not doing anything in NJ. I really need to focus on finding some employment. I think a few days away and being around family and friends will be good for that.

I’m in St. Paul now. I’m looking forward to sleeping because I didn’t sleep well on the plane at all. It’s good I got up so early to break up the routine I’ve been in lately. I imagine I’ll be up pretty early tomorrow as well. Thankfully I’ll get a pretty good night’s sleep before Josh is home in the morning. It’ll be nice to go to Spicer too. I can go to the Y and bum around.

Gratitude List:
Getting to see some Mpls friends again
Being awake much earlier than normal
A pretty uneventful flight and day

I did absolutely nothing as far as job searching goes. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I’m bored. I want to be doing something more. I want things to be more interesting.

I walked to the gym tonight and on the way there realized the only thing that really lights me up right now is creating things. Either drawing or making crap. I need to explore that more. I have no idea how I’d turn it into a job, but maybe I’ll figure that out. There’s got to be a way.

Gratitude List:

A night hanging out with M

An enjoyable walk

Getting to watch more GoT

I updated my resume and sent it to Andrew. I hope that he’s able to take a look and give me some feedback quickly. It’s not great, but at least it’s done. As soon as I hear back from Andrew I’m going to start applying for more jobs. Hopefully something will fall into place. I trust that it will.

I walked to a Y that’s closer to the house. It took me 25 minutes to walk over there. I was happy to find an elliptical machine that I like. I used it for an hour before showering and heading back home. I think tomorrow I’ll check out the other Y that’s really close. It’s supposed to be larger and nicer. The one I went to would work, but it was quite small. I had a lot of energy on the elliptical machine because I haven’t been there for several days. I thought about going a second hour, but decided to be done with it. Doing just an hour doesn’t seem like enough anymore, although I’d prefer to run for 30 minutes and then use the elliptical machine for an hour to break it up. With any luck I’ll make it to the gym earlier tomorrow. I didn’t get there very early today.

Gratitude List:

Doing a little work updating my resume

Getting to work out on one of the elliptical machines I like

Having a pretty relaxed day