I had one of the least productive days as far as job searching is concerned. It was really gross. And it’s not that I didn’t do anything today. I did. I just didn’t do anything that would get me at all closer to finding a job.

I suppose I’ve only been up for about 12 hours. So, I’m not even having full days. That’s a problem. I got up this morning, wrote morning pages, made eggs for breakfast and then took a shower. Afterwards I went to the post office to mail a package to a friend. Once all that was done I felt tired and meditated and took a brief nap before CF. It’s sad because I was so excited to have a productive day of job searching. I’m going to try really hard to make tomorrow a more productive day. If it isn’t, I’m going to have to scrap the idea I’ll find a job through any traditional means and quit looking online entirely. I’ll have to spend lots of more time in the city going to meetings and talking non stop about how I need a job. I’m not sure I’m up for that. I suppose the other thing I could do is start drawing and creating things everyday. I think it’s unlikely I’d be able to sell any of them for much online, but I could at least start trying. I don’t seem to be making any progress finding a job by applying for things online.

Anyway, I was in a bit of a depressed hole before going to CF while I was meditating. I almost didn’t get up to go because I was feeling like there wasn’t any point in anything anymore. I felt 1000 times better after working out so I’m really grateful for that. I plan to go tomorrow as well.

And with that I’m off to bed again. I’m going to meditate again for a little while and then practice Reiki. Tomorrow I’m going to get up before noon. That’s not setting the bar too high, but considering how things are going it’ll be a miracle if it actually happens.

I almost forgot. While writing morning pages this morning I wrote “If I could study anything right now it would be spirituality.” It just came out without my really thinking about it. I immediately tried to backtrack, but there’s a lot of truth in that statement. I am very interested in art and writing, but I still feel like I want to further my relationship with my higher power. It’s felt fragmented and I’ve felt disconnected these past couple of months. I miss those times when I felt a strong connection and I want them back. The increased meditation has helped, but I feel like I could spend the rest of my life investigating this and not get bored. I also can’t imagine not continuing with my daily spiritual practices. I don’t know where this line of inquiry will take me. I would love to find some kind of community where I could just sit and learn. Anyway, everything in that regard is very jumbled right now. It’ll hopefully become clear at some point.

Gratitude List:

Making it to CF

Maintaining the hope tomorrow will be a more productive day

A moment of clarity during morning pages

I don’t feel like writing an update, but it’s been a couple days again and I don’t totally want to quit this so here goes.

Today was enjoyable, but not a day I want to repeat anytime soon. I woke up early and got out of bed because I was done sleeping by 8 am. I then stayed up for a while, drank some coffee, made some eggs and read before trying to take a nap in the early afternoon. I wasn’t able to nap well so I got up and watched some tv. M, A and I then decided to run some errands and go shopping. After a round of showers we left the house at 4 pm. We didn’t get back until after midnight. We went to Costco, then Marshall’s and TJ Maxx, followed by TGIFridays and Wal-Mart. Although I enjoyed hanging out with M and A, I got pretty bored spending what felt like all day in stores (and boring stores at that!). I don’t think anyone really anticipated the adventure today was going to become, but next time I’ll know better and hopefully just choose to stay at home. It was a lot.

I’ve been drinking excessive amounts of caffeine lately. I drink coffee in the morning and continue drinking diet soda the rest of the day. This has really just come about in the last 2 weeks or so. It needs to stop. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. I drink caffeine, feel hyper and optimistic about life, only to crash a while later and either want to nap wherever I happen to be or drink more caffeine. It definitely is a valuable tool on days I sleep way too much and can’t seem to get out of my funk, but now it’s just gotten way out of control. Tomorrow I’m going to start weaning myself down. I probably can’t go cold turkey, but I could definitely limit myself to a couple cans of soda instead of drinking a zillion of them on top of coffee. I know it’s for the best. I don’t like the ups and downs that have been associated with all the caffeine. I feel edgy and at times like I can’t stand being or doing whatever it is I happen to be doing at any given moment. I’m definitely going to be done with it soon. I hope anyway. It can be tricky to get myself off it again once I’ve gone a while abusing it. I’ll hope for the best and try to take some baby steps these next few days.

I have no plans for tomorrow and I really like that. It’s going to be an awesome day. Hopefully one that includes much sitting around the house and relaxing. I finished a book today and have another I want to start tomorrow.

Gratitude List:
Taking the time to update KP
Sleeping in tomorrow
Meditating

My day wasn’t terrible. I didn’t do anything that could even remotely be construed as productive in terms of job searching. I’m ok with that. I did send an email to a friend in Istanbul and I called another in Minneapolis. I’m just having a hard time with this current transition I seem to be in. It’ll work itself out. Somehow it always does.

I finished my intro class at the CF gym I joined. Now I can start going to regular classes. I’m looking forward to some really challenging workouts. Some of them in the intro classes were really challenging, but other ones were not. I still don’t think I’ve lost any weight which is kind of a bummer. I know I’ve gained some muscle and my body has changed, but it’s super frustrating not to be able to just lose weight on command like I used to. I suppose it’s better this way. It’s also certainly much healthier. I’ll get there, I just have to be patient and give it time – definitely something I should be better at given how much practice I’ve gotten lately.

Gratitude List:
A day of nothing
Final day of the intro classes
Finding the time to meditate

I haven’t felt like coming on here and writing an update. I guess that’s why it’s now been several days since I did. I just don’t like where so many things are in my life right now. I hate that I don’t have a job and don’t seem to be making much progress in that regard. I am bored and want to be busier and doing more with my time, but I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to finding a job or getting closer to figuring out what kind of job I want to pursue. I look at finance jobs because it’s the job language I know how to speak and there’s comfort in the familiar, but I’m reluctant to fully go for one because ultimately I don’t think it’s where I should end up. I know that if I start something I wouldn’t have to stay there forever. There’s just a lot right now and I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job with any of it.

I watched a lot of tv today. Most of the time it was just on in the background as wasted time online. I looked at jobs for a while, but it was really just looking. I didn’t apply to any of them. Tomorrow I’m going to start applying for actual jobs. That will be good. I can’t just keep looking and thinking “well that might work” and then moving on to the next listing. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for 5 jobs. I don’t care what kind of jobs they are – finance, a restaurant job or housekeeping, I’m going to apply for 5 of them. I need to break myself out of this rut.

I ate a lot of sugar today. I slept in late and then got up and did morning pages before going downstairs. By the time I did go downstairs I was pretty hungry and this massive cookie bar M made a few days ago was just sitting on the counter, staring at me. I ate a whole bunch of it right then and there. It felt like I’d given in and failed on my no sugar campaign. I wish I didn’t feel that way. Sure, I ate some sugar today, but I almost went about 2 weeks without any at all. That’s got to count for something. I also started thinking about how some people who work out have ‘cheat days’ where they can eat whatever they want. Maybe today was just a cheat day. And maybe it’s a good thing I had it. I mean really, one cheat day every two weeks is probably fine. I have been really good (well at least in regards to sugar). I plan to stay away from sugary things tomorrow and hopefully the next few days to come. I always worry when I have a day that I eat sugar that I’ll just be back to eating copious amounts of ice cream and chocolate for days to come. Really though, the truth is for the last few days I’ve been craving something sweet or different from what I’ve been eating and probably eating more than I need to because I’m not satisfied. I don’t know. I’m just trying not to get too down on myself for doing what feels like breaking down. I know that I need to be kind to myself. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.

I seem to have a fair amount to say – probably because I haven’t been on here in 5 days. I don’t remember the last time I went that long without writing an update. I need to reconnect to that part of me that loves to create soon. I have not been allowing my creativity to express itself and I’d really like to be. I talk about how I’m not drawing or doing anything so often these days. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I finally start another drawing. It would be fun. I should also figure out putting the other ones up. I could probably hang them somewhere in this room. At least that way I’d see them from time to time.

Ok, time to go to bed. I’m going to meditate before falling asleep. I didn’t do that last night or for the last few nights, although I did meditate on Friday during the day and it was nice.

Gratitude List:

A relaxing weekend hanging around the house in NJ

An increase in activity surrounding the job search, even if it’s still not ideal

Not beating myself up for eating loads and loads of sugar today

I shaved today which was a great idea. I just hate beards. At least when one is one my face I hate it. On other people they’re fine.

I hit the snooze button for 2.5 hours today and got up at 2:30 pm. I just bout some melatonin at the store. I took some which I hope will help me get my sleep back on track. I don’t want to be up until 5 am and sleeping all day. I need a more normal schedule so I can be more productive as far as job searching goes. Plus, if I have an interview at some time and need to be somewhere in the morning I’ll majorly benefit from being used to getting up before noon.

I think I’m coming around on looking for a cubicle finance type job. Maybe it won’t be so bad. And, if nothing else, if I find something that wants someone with experience I can hopefully get a job that pays much more than I otherwise would. It would be great to get my finances in order and some of the debt paid down from when I decided to run away from life. I could also take a lot of classes of all kinds with the extra money I was paying. I know that a finance job is probably not something I’m going to want to do for years and years and years, but for now it could be ok. I also don’t think I’ll get stuck like I did last time. I don’t have the tolerance for suffering through things like I used to. I’ll be forced to bail quickly if it’s not something I can do. I also plan to use the routine and structure to work towards something else. I think it’ll be good. It is possible employers will look at the last two years and view me as someone they don’t want to hire because of my time away working in finance. If that’s the case I’ll deal with it as I go. My guess is one of the temp places I plan to apply to will let me know if they think it’ll be a problem.

Gratitude List:

Another day at CF and feeling better about my current diet (8 days no sugar!)

A shaved face

Hope that tomorrow will be an earlier, more productive day

I went to an OA meeting today. There were not that many people there. One guy spoke and then everyone got a chance to share, but the shares were limited to 3 minutes. I waited to share and was the last person to do so. I basically blurted out as much as possible in the 3 minutes I had to share. It felt good. I want to do that again soon.

I’m going to bed in a few minutes. It’s not even midnight yet, but I feel tired and like I’ll sleep well. I’m going to sleep in the other bedroom again because I like the mattress more. I might move the mattress into this room tomorrow. I’m really glad that I’m both tired and going to bed early. Staying up so late and then sleeping so late really doesn’t agree with me. With any luck I’ll be up at a decent hour tomorrow morning. I’m starting CF tomorrow so I’m excited about that. M might try to get in the class and join me. I hope she does. It would be fun to go over there with her. I think she’d like it, too.

I’m glad I don’t have to go into the city tomorrow. I’ll actually not be going in a for a few days I imagine because of these CF classes. It’s been nice going to different meetings this weekend. I’d really like to do that more in the coming weeks and months. I’d really like to move into the city. I also feel ready to pursue something and to have a job that is meaningful to me that I can work hard at. Hopefully I’ll fall into something soon. I can be incredibly lucky.

I miss my family. I talked to my mom and dad today so that was really nice. I’m hoping to work on my resume tomorrow. I’d also like to spend some time drawing or reading this new book I just bought yesterday. I’ve been craving taking some time to draw lately, I just haven’t made it actually happen. Maybe tomorrow or one of the coming days I’ll do that.

I’ve had J on my mind today. I don’t really want to message him. Partly because I don’t feel like I can have a sexual relationship with someone right now. I also have this voice in the back of my head telling me he’s really not that interested in me. I hate that voice. He always messages me back pretty quickly, but I keep saying things like “we should hang out sometime soon” without actually trying to pin down any plans. I noticed that he removed the picture from the profile on one of the apps I use. I’m not sure if that means he’s fed up with the app and taking a break, or possibly that he’s found a guy and started dating someone. Maybe tomorrow I’ll send him a message. It would be great to hang out with him again. He’s cute and a genuinely nice guy.

Gratitude List:

Finally getting the jacket taken care of

Speaking my truth at an OA meeting

An early bed time and the prospect of a productive day tomorrow

It’s so strange that it’s 2015. I think this will be a good year. I hope so anyway.

I went to a meeting last night and again tonight. Andrew went with and after both we went to fellowship. Yesterday was difficult because I slept really late (par for the course these days) and didn’t drink any pop to snap me out of the funk I was in. I sat at the table at fellowship feeling disengaged with the group and conversation and like I was the most boring person who ever lived. This went better tonight. I’ve just been so out of it lately. I’d consider going on an antidepressant to help me get through this rut, but I don’t have insurance to see anyone and I imagine the wait would be forever, too. I seem to feel better once I drink some caffeine and with any luck starting CF again will help.

I didn’t write morning pages this morning. I don’t think there has been a morning that I haven’t done morning pages since I started well over a year ago. I thought I was going to make it back to NJ last night, but after going out with Andrew realized the trains the were no longer running so I stayed at his place. It was nice because we then hung out in the city all day. We went and saw a movie and visited a used bookstore where I bought a couple books. I enjoyed today.

I really don’t have that much to say. I enjoyed the people I met today. I have to get more serious about job searching and figuring out an income. I talked with M about it tonight and she brought up a few good ideas and even looked online for jobs I could apply for which gave me some great ideas I hadn’t thought about. I’m really not as doomed as I sometimes feel, but I’m also concerned I won’t be able to dig myself out of the funk I’m in on my own without some kind of medical intervention (of the pill variety). We’ll see. Things are anything but settled and with any luck I could turn this around.

It’s past 4 am and I must go to bed now. I’m super tired and ready to sleep for the night. I got up early(ish) today and I hope to do the same tomorrow. I don’t want to sleep all day like I’ve been doing.

Gratitude List:

Checking out new meetings and making some new friends

A new book by an author I’ve been wanting to read for a while

Solution oriented people who see things from a different, more approachable angle

This is my last post of 2014! I can’t believe a whole year is done.

We played a lot of games and hung out tonight. It was quite fun. I’m also grateful that 2014 was a good year. I think there are some really amazing things in store in 2015 and I’m excited to see what a new year will bring. With any luck it’ll be an income and maybe even a boyfriend. That would be great!

Gratitude List:

Good friends to ring in the new year

Yummy eggs for breakfast

The desire to work and have an income again

I can’t believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2014. It’s strange to think this year is coming to an end. I’m excited and hopeful for what 2015 will bring. With any luck it’ll be a lot of really great things into my life. I feel I’m ready and I deserve them. I haven’t been doing as much as I could be to make it happen, but I’ll get there.

I successfully avoided sugar all day again today. I’m really pleased about that. This is day 2. It wasn’t super easy. We went to Costco and they had a delicious looking cake which would have been really good to buy for NYE. I probably would have eaten a lot of it beforehand. I resisted buying it which I’m grateful for. I also went to the gym afterwards and had a good workout on the elliptical machine today. I got a call from the CF gym I checked out last week and I am going to sign up to start the fundamentals course this coming Monday. I’m excited and a little nervous. Partially because I’m not sure how much my knees will be able to handle, but also because I know how much work CF is and I’m so far out of shape. It’s not going to be easy, but a few months (or more) of CF will do me well. I’m not going to get where I want going to the gym on my own.

All in all it was a good day. I’m going to bed soon in the hopes I’ll wake up a little earlier tomorrow. I slept in really late today and I don’t want that to become my life.

Gratitude List:

Another sugar free day

Making it to the gym again

Dealing with my IRA

Talking to my mom for a while

I can’t believe it’s so late. Well, I guess I can. I’ve been finding myself up at this hour quite a bit these days. I thought I would make it to bed earlier tonight, but apparently not.

I made it to the gym today. That was good. I worked hard for an hour on the elliptical machine. It’s been 5 days since I was at the gym so I had lots and lots of energy and my legs weren’t at all tired like they usually. It was definitely enjoyable. I still think I should join the crossfit gym near the house, but I haven’t done anything to make that happen yet. Maybe tomorrow I will.

I spent much of the day being lazy. I finished watching GoT and then watched a few episodes of Walking Dead later tonight. I don’t know why I’m watching so much tv. Walking Dead didn’t pull me in the same way GoT did. Maybe tomorrow I’ll read a book for a while. It would be nice to do something other than watch tv. I could draw, too. That would be really fun! I haven’t done that in a long time.

I listened to most of a podcast this evening that really spoke to me. I love those podcasts. It’s one I’ve heard before, but it’s been a long time since I did. I want to do some more research on the woman who was interviewed. She spoke a lot of truth.

I also didn’t eat any sugar today! Yay! I still have a long ways to go in cleaning up my diet, but it was at least a good start.

Gratitude List:

Having a sugar free day

An enjoyable workout at the gym

Sleeping in and relaxing after a few busy days