Today all the food became too much. I’ve been eating much worse for the past few weeks. I know it’s mainly due to the stress of everything, but it’s finally got to stop. I don’t weigh myself regularly anymore, but I constantly feel gross and can tell when I look in the mirror I’ve been gaining weight. The last few days at my parents’ house I’ve been shoveling in the Christmas cookies. I feel like crap because of it, too. I am tired a lot more and want to nap and have been sleeping longer hours at night. I don’t know if that’s all because I’m on sugar overload, but I know that at least some of the behavior is to blame for it. Normally in the past this would cause me to over correct. I’m determined not to do that right now. My plan at this point is to cut out all sugar for a while. I feel a lot better when I’m not eating it and after I’ve abstained for a few days no longer really crave it. In addition to cutting the sugar out of my diet, I also plan on doing more walking since it’s really the only exercise I can do with my knees right now. It’s definitely warmer out in NJ so once I get out there I’ll start making sure to walk every day. It’s so hard not being able to exercise right now. So hard. I really do hope this is only a temporary thing. I can’t imagine living with this pain in my knee for too much longer.

So I’m back in my apartment tonight. Since I’ve moved all of my furniture out I had to make a nest on the living room floor with a few blankets and my comforter. It really shouldn’t be too bad sleeping and tomorrow my mother is going to help my clean my apartment. I hired a lady to come and do it, but she can’t be here until Saturday so we’re going to see how much we can get done before then.

Christmas was great. Spent it at Grandma’s house with a bunch of relatives. Back to my apartment today for some cleaning. Hoping the next few days go by fast and I can be on my way.

Merry Christmas!

Today was very nice. I went to the Lutheran Church with my mom and watched her choir sing. We then came home, ate dinner and opened Christmas presents. It was great relaxing today and spending time with family. I feel so full right now from eating so many damn Christmas cookies. Once the holidays are over I’m definitely going to tighten up the diet. It’s not so bad right now, but I definitely can’t continue eating this way – especially since I can’t exercise.

Gratitude List:
Christmas cookies
Time with family
Yummy meals

I moved all of my stuff out of my apartment today. I stayed up until 5 am in the morning and then got up at 8 am to continue getting it all packed so everything would be ready when my parents came with the moving truck. Moving really wasn’t that bad once we got going. It helped that I got rid of a few things so there was less to move. It was also nice that my mom, dad and twin brother came to help out. I didn’t want to carry much of anything heavy up or down the stairs because of my knees and really didn’t have to. It feels great to have all of my furniture moved out. Now I just have to do some cleaning (ok, lots and lots of cleaning) and I’ll be on my way.

I’m excited to be at my parents house and get to see relatives for the next couple days. I’ve already mowed down what feels like hundreds upon hundreds of Christmas cookies. Yum!

Gratitude List:
People to help move.
Christmas Cookies.
Warm Beds.

My mother’s side of the family had a Christmas party today. I haven’t seen many of the relatives on that side of my family for many years. It was great to get to catch up and meet the new additions to the family. I hope we can start doing that on a more regular basis again.

I also spent hours and hours after the party trying to get organized to move out of my apartment tomorrow. My parents and twin brother will be here around 11 am to move my stuff out. I feel like I made a lot of progress, but I still don’t feel as prepared as I wanted to be. I basically wanted to have everything in boxes and packed so when they got here we could just grab everything, throw it in the truck and get the hell out. It’s nearly 5 am here and I’m planning on getting up at 8 am to give my friend a ride tomorrow morning. That means I’ll have a little bit of time to tomorrow to get everything ready to go before they show up. I might just have to start literally throwing things in boxes. It’s going to suck only getting a few hours of sleep tonight, but I should be able to nap on the drive to my parents house. I’m so tired and ready for bed now.

I sold some of my furniture today. It’s not that this move hasn’t felt real yet, but sitting in my living room now that it’s half empty brings me much closer to the reality of the situation. I’m so excited to move on and enter this new phase of my life. I’ve been looking at Minneapolis through a different lens the past couple weeks knowing that I’ll no longer have a home here very soon. I definitely feel a sense of loss. This place has been my home for over 4 years now and I love it here. I don’t feel any fear or anxiety towards the future at all at this point. It almost feels like waiting as a child for Christmas morning. Like I just want to go to bed so morning will arrive and I can find out what Santa brought this year. I have a feeling there are some really wonderful, terrific things in store for me. I can’t wait to find out exactly what those things are.

Gratitude List:
Selling things on Craigslist.
Being able to get everything organized for my move out.
A new chapter in life.

_______!

Andrew

Gratitude List:
Evil Cats. Pirate Cats. Daizee cat.
Lovely visits with far away relatives.
Changing. Evolving. Becoming Authentic.

I’ve been much more productive today in getting all of my crap sorted. I did a few things in the living room earlier and have spent some time going through my closet. So far I’ve got 4 bags of clothes. One I plan on throwing away, one I plan on donating to Goodwill, one for my brother to look through to see if he wants anything, and the last bag is full of clothes I’ll probably never wear again, but can’t quite part with yet. It’s nice to be moving forward with everything, but there’s still so much to do. I mean really it’s not like there is that much to do, but I need to stay focused to get it all done. I’ll certainly get there, it’s just a matter of when.

He says he thinks about me a lot, too. Dating someone in Nashville. I wonder: Why not, me? Hurts. Timing off. Someday, perhaps? Settled and content versus restless and running. We met for a reason; it’s just unclear right now what that reason is.

I made plans with my parents today to move all of my stuff out of my apartment. It feels a lot more real now. I’ve lived here for nearly 4 years and I’m really moving out soon. I’m wicked excited for what the future has in store and for this next phase in my life. I plan on it being one great adventure.

My friend who is staying with me had clearly had a few drinks by the time he got back here tonight. I didn’t call him out on it, but I really should have. I can always tell before he even gets into my apartment if he’s been drinking based on how long it takes him to get the door open; how long I can hear the key scratch around before he’s able to get the door unlocked. The thing that makes me angry about it all is that he lies to me and sends me text messages about how he’s fine and hasn’t had anything to drink today. At least this situation is temporary. I’m giving him a ride to the airport the morning of the 24th so only a few more days and we’ll both be out of this apartment. I really do think he wants to be sober. I hope he figures it out.

Oh, I also had a voice mail this morning when I got up. It was from the disability insurance people (read assholes) and informed me a check had been put in the mail. This really surprised me since when I last talked to the woman she wasn’t going to extend my claim. Apparently she decided on Friday to extend it for another 10 days, basically paying me through 12/5. I’m glad I’ll have a little bit of cash again. I immediately made a payment on my credit card so it’s no longer past due. I plan on hanging on to the rest of the money. It’s not much, but it’s nice to not be so stressed about it all. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll pursue any further action against them. I probably will.