I know I can make it through these final two weeks of work. I need to try harder to maintain a positive attitude and enjoy the last few classes that I’m going to teach. I will get through it and if I manage to enjoy my final days teaching that would be all the better.

For a long time I had this running idea that I’d write a book of some kind and that if I really poured my heart and soul into it I could even get it published and possibly make enough money that I’d have the financial freedom I’ve craved for what seems like my entire life. I realized a couple months back that I was using the book idea as a lottery ticket of sorts and the latest, and slightly sneaky, reincarnation of the life-will-be-better-when game. I pushed the book out of my mind and haven’t really thought much about it since.

I’ve been pretty focused on drawing and spending much of my free time drawing. I’d much rather draw than try to write, which may be nothing more than an avoidance tactic. I do love drawing, though. And I like seeing the drawings come into form and I also love seeing the progression in the drawings that I’m able to complete. They are certainly getting better and each one I seem to like more than the last. That’s a lot of fun. I hope the trend continues.

The last few days, the idea of this book has been popping back into my head. I’ve also been seeing things that remind me of it and that I need to try to write it. If nothing else, it would be a good way to cleanse my soul. I’m not sure if it’ll happen, but I have to try. I have a story to tell and I think I could compellingly tell it if I tried.

“What you share with the world is what it keeps of you.” Noah and the Whale.

I had a really fun day today. I went to a place called 5 dragons pools with 2 other teachers. One of them I’d never met before. We grilled and then hiked around the mountains. The scenery was really beautiful. I’m grateful they invited me and that I decided to go. What a fun day! They both also got a bit sloppy drunk, but that was fun too. haven’t been around drunk people like that for a while.

I heard back from my DOS today. I sent him a pretty bitchy email and accused him of not following the contract which I should not have done. I’ve had to apologize twice in the past few days for being an asshole. I should have realized at the time I was misreading that situation, but I didn’t. I will say that I had good reason for thinking he was letting me go before I wanted to be let go. Next time I hopefully won’t let my imagine get the better of me and will approach it in a more professional manner. I sent an apology and if he’s still mad there’s not a whole lot I can do. I also offered to stay until mid-May if the school wants me to. I have a feeling they’re going to let me be done at the end of April. I hope that’s how it works out, but the money from working in May would be nice, too, so however it works out I’ll take it.

While buying food to grill this morning I had an interesting experience. There is so much uncertainty in my future. I had one of those moments where I realized how much is changing and all that is going on. I feel in the past I would have connected with a lot of anxiety and stress. Instead I felt this wonderful, intense feeling of joy. It was awesome. I’m not used to having anything like that happen. It just felt good and I felt excited about the future and what’s in store even with all the uncertainty. It was a really great feeling.

I’ve been getting more and more excited to leave China. It’s really more than just leaving China, though. I’m really looking forward to Istanbul and calling that city my home, if only for a few months. It’s going to be a wonderful place to live.

I’ve cut myself off from a lot of things in China. One of them is dating. I’m hoping to do some of that in Istanbul. Turkish guys all seem very nice. I’ve been working on accepting my flaws. It’s tough, especially considering that I’m the heaviest and most out of shape that I’ve been in the last decade. I started to try eating better and getting more exercise, but the progress has been slow. There has been progress, though, so that’s at least good.

I’ve got to figure out an income relatively soon. I’m not stressing so much about it now, but really I can’t go forever without having some kind of income. Today I tried looking at remote jobs. I didn’t have much luck. I know that something will pop into place and I’ll be taken care of. I might be a bit poorer before that happens, but I’ll survive. It’s worth it. I’m entering a new phase of my life and super excited about it!

Ok, off to bed now. I’m planning to join a few guys tomorrow for a bbq and hiking in a nature spot a little ways out of Ningbo. I’m excited to go, but I have to get up early which won’t be great.

Oh, I almost forgot. This last week of work was really tough to get through. I think a lot of it was that it was my first full week in a while. I took a whole week off when my parents were here and then last week was a short week since we didn’t work our long teaching days on Saturday and Sunday. When I went to bed last night I was thinking that maybe I should just try to be done now and not even teach the final two weeks. It would be a bad idea financially, but it might be the best for the students, the school and definitely for me. I’m going to think about it more. I think next week should be easier. And really, it’s only 2 more weeks. I hope it goes well!

Woot woot! Leaving China soon! Yay! It’s nice to be excited and feel grateful for moving on with my life.

My decision to spend the last 6 months living and working in China highlights one central theme that has woven it’s way through my past: I’m a poor decision maker. Not only do I find it difficult to make decisions, the ones I do are generally not very good ones.

I had some ups and downs today. At times I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of moving out of this apartment and leaving China, the security of a job and a paycheck, an apartment I’ve lived in for 6 months and the routine I’ve developed here. I also feel overwhelmed by the prospect of another new city where I have no friends, will need to find a place to live and all of those other things.

I then, of course, have moments of this glorious hope. Hope for the future and hope in my ability to be happy and live the life I want to live. I’m so excited to be done working for this shitty school and to get the fuck out of China. I’m also so excited to be back exploring a vibrant, beautiful city that I love. The moments I felt overwhelmed certainly outnumbered the ones I was filled with hope. I’m hoping that trend gets reversed more as the days towards my departure become closer. I’m trying to live in the now as much as possible, but I have to admit the future looks pretty amazing.

Well I finally got confirmation on my last day which will be April 28th. I was pissed when I got the email. I’ve since gotten a lot less angry about it. I’m still upset because I don’t like being jacked around or taken advantage of, but the idea of getting the fuck out of here 2 weeks earlier than I’d anticipated and having 1 less week to teach really, really appeals to me. I can barely believe I’ll be back in civilization in a matter of weeks. I also couldn’t be more excited about it.

I typed out an angry, indignant response when I got to work today which I didn’t send. I then typed out another shorter, less indignant, but still clearly angry email that I did send. I’m ok with that. As excited as I am to be leaving earlier than I’d anticipated I feel like I’ve been wronged. I also have been painting myself the victim in this whole episode which I don’t like. I have a tendency to do that. My anger was certainly justified, but I’ve mostly let it go at this point. I’m still debating as to whether I will leave a review of some kind about the school. I really would like to write one that’s as objective as possible, but in all likelihood laziness will win over. It usually does in these situations.

OMG I’m going to be leaving China soon! I’ve got a lot to do before my departure, but I should have enough time to get it all to fall into place. I can’t wait for the next phase of this adventure – and to be leaving Asia. I’ve been on this continent for long enough. Way too long, actually. Woot woot!

I spent a long time not living my life. Like, a really long time not living my life. Not only was I not living my life, but I was actively trying to make myself suffer.

I can’t do that anymore. I refuse to do that anymore. I’ve got this one life that I’m finally living and I can’t succumb to complacency or hiding in the safety of something that doesn’t provide me satisfaction. It’s tough. Really tough some days – days like today. Today I was racked with doubt and uncertainty. I know I’m making the right decision moving to Istanbul, but that doesn’t make the vulnerability and uncertainty I’m plunging myself into any easier. And, in all likelihood, it’s not going to get any easier. I know the status quo doesn’t work for me and I’m no longer going to try to make it work. I’ve got to take risks and face my fears. If I fall flat on my face so be it. At least I’ll finally be living. I’d prefer taking a risk and failing then playing it safe and remaining unhappy.

Deep in my heart I know I’ll be taken care of. As long as I follow my heart my emotional, spiritual and financial needs will be met. It’s hard to trust in that all the time, but I do believe it to be true.

I love art and museums. I enjoy drawing. I like both reading and writing. I have a passion for traveling. I am good at comedy and humor. I’m a great problem solver. I’m smart and articulate. I like to meditate and learn about spiritual practices. Certainly, something will come up. Be it a job, career or educational path I’ll decide to pursue. As long as I keep my eyes and ears open I have faith that I will find my way. I just have to lean into the uncertainty and face my fears. I can only pray for the courage, motivation and wherewithal to make it through these tough days to make a new life a reality.

I still haven’t been able to determine my last day of work. I really only started trying to figure it out yesterday, but I’m getting some conflicting information and the person who can correct all that is unavailable right now. I’m hoping to wake up tomorrow to an email with some more definitive information. Once I know when I’ll be done I can start making other arrangements. It’s hard to do much without it right now.

I’m super tired. I took 1/2 a magnesium tablet and feel more than ready to sleep. I’m also struggling a lot today with my body image. It’s been over a month now that I’ve gotten more serious about improving things and today it hasn’t even felt like I’ve made any progress on that front. It’s frustrating. I feel excessively uncomfortable right now and want to hide and cover up with sweatshirts. I’m not going to be able to do that much longer – it’s getting much warmer here. I feel like I should have been able to make more progress by now, but I guess I just have to be patient. It’s also quite possible that something I’m eating (as in chemicals or a reaction my body is having to something bad – MSG?) could be causing a lot of the problems with losing weight and feeling more positive about my body image. I suppose I could start keeping a journal of everything I eat. I don’t think I’m overeating, but it’s possible I am. Today I don’t think I really at that much. I guess I can always hold out hope that once I leave mainland China it’ll all work out.

I felt like writing this morning, but was busy doing all the things I do in the morning – meditating, morning pages, cooking lunch, etc. I didn’t have any time to write this morning and this evening I didn’t feel much like writing anything. I hope that desire strikes again soon. I’d like to start churning out some short stories. That would be fun!

I got worried today about the financial aspect of the next few months. I’ve never faced this kind of financial uncertainty. Really though, when I think about it, this isn’t even that great of uncertainty. I’ve got money to fall back on in the retirement account from my old job. I’d rather not access that, but in a worst case scenario it would be easy to get a hold of. I need to keep that in mind because it gives me a better perspective on everything.

I wish I was writing. I wish I’d spent the last year writing. I feel like I’ve got something to say and I’ve even got an idea of how I’d frame it. Yet still, I don’t pursue that writing. I’ve also got a ton of short stories floating around inside my head. I want to put them onto paper, yet for some reason I don’t. I think if I really pursued writing that I’d like it quite a bit. I like crafting things and figuring out exactly how to say what I mean. I’m hoping that I start at least trying soon. I have to at least work at something. Right now I feel like I’m a bit stuck.

Anyway, yay for Istanbul. A new adventure and a fresh perspective. What a gift!

I didn’t post an update for the last two nights because I didn’t have much for internet access. I also didn’t do morning pages, meditate like normal, write my gratitude list or the prayer to God I’ve been writing every night. I’m ok with taking a couple days off. I like doing those things, but I don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking I have to do them everyday. I don’t have to do them everyday. It takes a lot of time to make all of that happen and it was nice to not worry about it while I was out of town.

So Huangshan was ridiculously awe-inspiring. That was one of the most beautiful, mystical places I’ve ever been. It was so beautiful. I took a million pictures and had a great time with the two guys I went with. I’m really glad that I made the decision to go. It will definitely remain a highlight of my time here in China.

I can’t believe my time in China is rolling to a close so soon. I’m planning to move out of this apartment in just less than 3 weeks. I still don’t have any concrete plans around Turkey or anything that’s next. Tomorrow I’m going to start really figuring that out. First thing will be to verify what my last day of work is. After that, I’ll start sending people messages and decide whether I’m going to make a stop in the Philippines and/or Hong Kong before leaving this part of the world. I’m excited about Istanbul, but nervous, too. The money thing is in the back of my mind. It’s all going to work out beautifully (or at least work out somehow), but just how that’s all going to work is hard to imagine right now.

I’m exhausted from the long hike today and the early morning. I slept on the bus for a little while, but it wasn’t quality sleep. I’m off to bed now and I couldn’t be more excited about sleeping in my own bed tonight and not having to get up in the morning for a damn thing. Yay!

I met a cute Chinese guy for coffee today. I had him meet at a place near my apartment so that depending on how things went we could come back here. I’ve been feeling really…. horny, lately. We talked at the coffee shop for a while and then came back to my apartment.

I had the most wonderful time with him once we’d gotten back here. I just felt so comfortable with him. We fooled around and then laid on my bed in a naked mass of tangled arms and legs. That was the first time in my life I felt completely comfortable being naked around someone. There was no judgment or harsh feelings about my body going through my head. I was just able to be with him and enjoy the moment. And enjoy the moment I did! It was amazing. I really didn’t want him to leave. I’ve been so lonely these past couple months and have had very little sexual contact since I got to China. I really enjoyed the sex, but I enjoyed the cuddling and laying together after the sex even more. I really, really didn’t want him to leave. I hope he can come and spend the night sometime soon. I wish I had met him before now, but am still grateful that we finally did meet. I am leaving China soon. We can spend some time together before that happens.

On a side note, I can’t imagine being a gay guy in China. Most are closeted and haven’t told their parents they are gay. Most don’t even seem to have gay friends. What a lonely, sad life.