I had an interesting day today. I got up early(ish), wrote morning pages and meditated. I sat for 40 minutes and afterwards laid down to practice Reiki for a few minutes and basically ended up napping for like 2 hours or so. By the time the afternoon rolled around my mood was strange (read: not great). While walking to the meeting I contemplated whether I was just in some slow decline into complete, utter madness, but that it was hard to notice because the decline was slower than normal. In the past it’s always been a pretty quick deal.

I don’t think I’m really going crazy. I mean I could be, but I don’t think so. I’m just stressed out with this current situation. And rightfully so, this is a stressful situation I’ve put myself into. Another thing I’m struggling with, again, is simply the loneliness. I’m in another new place where I don’t have any friends and I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself not interacting with other people. That in itself is enough to make me go a little nutty. The meeting tonight was a godsend. I felt much, much better after the meeting. I’m going to meet a girl from NY tomorrow and go to the meeting on the Asian side of the city. It’ll be nice.

All in all things are going well. I’ve got to make some friends and get an outlet of some kind. It’s tough having so much free time and not a great plan. I think I could figure out the income thing, but I’ve got to do some more research and really put in some time trying to figure out a job.

I also go through periods where it feels like I slip into an energy of sorts. It’s like the universe pulls me in and everything at once has meaning. I’m not sure what that’s all about. It feels like I’m connected to something in a way I’ve either not been before or in a way I simply haven’t noticed or felt before. I have no idea where that’s headed, but it’ll be interesting to find out. Maybe I’ll find love again. Wouldn’t that be a treat.

I got totally caught up with trying to figure out a plan to go to Greece tonight. I found a flight to Athens, did some research as to which island or islands to go to, checked out ferry schedules and places to stay. Liz pointed out, in the end when she asked how much it would cost, that it would simply be too expensive for me to do right now. The other thing I was thinking I could do is go to Cappadocia. That would actually be pretty badass and much more affordable. The flight to Athens is more expensive and then the ferries to/from the islands are a little spendy as well. Flying to Cappadocia and spending a few days would be a simpler, I think. I’ll have to do some research on traveling in that area and how long I’d want to spend there. It looks super beautiful.

I had a pretty good conversation with Jim earlier today. I last spoke with him when I first got to China. He provided some good insight into my life and everything. I don’t feel like I’m in the midst of a crisis, but I suppose I sort of am. It’s kind of a crisis that’s been going on for a long time now that I think about it. The crisis started shortly after leaving my last job over a year and half ago. Hmm.

I’ll figure something out. I mean I’ve got to, right? You hear stories about people having breakdowns and coming through the other side of it all the time. I suppose you don’t hear about people having breakdowns and not figuring it out because those stories aren’t told. Hmm, I sure hope I don’t become the poster child for that. Fuck.

I found myself walking today and at several different times started laughing at thoughts I had that I found to be funny. That used to happen all the time before I lost touch with my sense of humor. It was a nice relief to have it happen again. I take it as a great sign. I’m getting stronger and becoming more of myself again. At least I hope so, anyway.

Tomorrow is another day full of new opportunities and challenges. I hope to meet those opportunities and challenges in a good way. Today was a good day.

I got to speak to M in NJ for a long time tonight. I really appreciate her advice. I haven’t gotten to talk to her in a long time.

I also spent some time today looking at jobs I could do online. I didn’t find much of anything that would work, but I gained some information and insight. I’ll continue searching and trying to figure something out. Something will work out. I’m certain of it.

Tomorrow I speak to Jim. It’ll be good to have a conversation with him. It’s been 6 months since I last talked to him and he’s usually pretty good about shedding some light onto a subject.

I had an ok day. I slept in too late which was annoying. I need some type of schedule or routine or it’s likely I’ll sleep too much and too late. I don’t have much of anything to do right now and I could certainly use something to occupy my time. Ideally I’d like to be learning something. I like learning.

I looked at classes for learning Turkish. I’d really like to take one. There are a couple schools I was able to find online, but the next round of classes don’t start for two more weeks. I could sign up for an intensive 4 week program that would be 4 weeks of classes for 3 or 4 hours a day. I would like to sign up for the morning classes so that I would get into a routine of getting up in the morning and going to class. They aren’t too expensive, but I’m not sure I could take more than one month of classes. I guess we’ll see. Since the classes don’t start very soon I can think about it for a little while. I need to find some type of routine, though, or I’ll just flounder here.

I also need to start working out again. A program person told me where there is a gym not far from where I live. I walked over there to try and find it today and failed. I will hopefully see him at a meeting tomorrow and ask him again. I could probably do a google search and try to locate it, too. If I’m going to date and start doing that again I need to get myself back into better shape. I don’t have the confidence to be meeting people right now.

I was maybe going to meet this guy from Kazakhstan today. Actually, I was going to meet him a couple days ago, but then I was hanging out with J from England and rescheduled. It was basically just a hookup situation and I decided I’d be a little too weirded out without it all at this point to meet up. I have not logged into scruff really for a couple days so that I won’t have to deal with that. I feel like a douche with how I’ve dealt with the situation, but it’s all I could do. I don’t plan to use scruff much more. I would love to meet some hot Turkish guys, but I’m also feeling like I just want to hide and not put myself out there right now. I hope that changes. It would be awesome to have some kind of romance while in Turkey.

I’m tired and, like usual, super excited about going to bed. I sometimes wonder if it’s not a bit unhealthy how excited I get about going to sleep for the night.

I ate a bunch of sugar today and now I feel uncertain and like I’m floundering. I really think it’s probably due to the sugar. Like it just fucks with my mood and now I have this unsettled, uneasy feeling inside me. It’s not fun. It makes me feel like I’m doomed and any effort to work towards something more is bound to fail. In fact, right now, I don’t even think I could try to look at freelancing work or writing of any kind without a ‘can’t do’ attitude. Tomorrow I’m going to avoid this kind of sugar buzz. And I might be wrong, perhaps it’s not even the sugar that’s done this to me. I think I’ll feel better tomorrow.

I had a nice time with Jordan before he left. It was relaxed and fun. I do really love this city. And I’m starting to make some more friends so that’s good. It’s nice to start seeing some more familiar faces at the meetings. I’d really like to start making more friends, but I should also spend some time looking at some kind of work and trying to figure that out. Maybe I’ll stay in tomorrow and take a look at online stuff and do some drawing. I’d really like to do some drawing. I’ve got to try to get myself on to some kind of schedule and plan. I’d also like to write a blog post. Tomorrow that will be my goal. I don’t need to actually post it, but I’d like to write one at least. Or get the start of one down. I’ve got to do something.

I had a really nice day. I slept in and after getting up did morning pages and then meditated. I sat for a full 40 minutes again this morning and then went into a short Reiki session. It was a really nice way to start the day.

I ended up meeting a friend of a friend this afternoon. We ran around and did some touristy stuff. A lot of it was stuff I’d already done, but it was fun to do it again. And most of it was stuff I’d been hoping to do again anyway. We went through the Blue Mosque and took a boat ride on the Bosphorous. I really enjoyed spending the day with him and doing those things. I haven’t spent a lot of time with someone like that in a long time. I really felt a lot more like my old self – joking and able to just relax and enjoy the day. I haven’t felt like I’ve really been able to do that so much this past year. It was really wonderful to feel like my old sense of humor is coming back. I miss it, a lot. This city is so beautiful though and I really like being here. The food is delicious and there are many, many attractive men around. It’s a great place to heal and just enjoy life. I’m grateful to be here and to be able to have and enjoy this experience for what it is. How wonderful.

And with that I’m off to bed. I’m tired from another long day of walking. I will hopefully spend some more time with J tomorrow bumming around Istanbul or even just being lazy.

I’ve basically been sitting at home not doing much of anything for the last few hours. I had planned to go and see a movie, but I got an email from the guy I’m staying with saying that he had left his keys outside and could I come and let him in. I wasn’t far from home at that point so I walked back here. By the time I got back he had already found his way inside. That was several hours ago. I’ve since been sitting and dicking around on my computer while chatting with this random guy who happens to be in Istanbul and is a friend of a friend. It’s actually been quite nice and relaxing. On the one hand, I feel I’ve done nothing of substance since getting back here, but on the other hand I feel like this is exactly what I needed to do tonight. I’ve been going out a lot and going to meetings and meeting people. I really just needed a night to sit and decompress from all of that. I could have drawn or done something more than just fritter my time away, but this has been nice. I’ve liked it. I also don’t feel claustrophobic or like I’ve got to get out of this room. In fact, I could sit around and do this for hours longer. If I wasn’t so tired, that is. I’m pretty sure I’m headed to bed in a few minutes. It’s been a good day.

I went to the Asian side with some fellow program people today. It was nice. I’m glad I got to spend some time with them. I’m not sure if I’ll go to the meeting tomorrow. I’m leaning towards skipping it, but we’ll see. I don’t have much of anything planned for the day so I’ll just see what comes.

Oh, but I almost forgot: I’ve got plans to meet a guy from Kazakhstan tomorrow. It’s basically a hookup. I wouldn’t be surprised if it falls through. Although I’d kind of prefer it not to. I’m a sexual being and it’s time I get more in touch with that. I’ve tried ignoring that fact this last year of my life and, although it’s been a good year, I have missed it. Missed it dearly.

I went to a gay sauna/turkish bath today. Things got, well, interesting. I’m glad I went and had a good time, but don’t feel like I need to go to another any time soon. I guess who knows. Tomorrow I might be singing a different tune. We’ll see.

Afterwards I went to the AA meeting. It was nice. Friday is a speaker meeting. I haven’t been to a speaker meeting in quite some time. I enjoyed it. After the meeting a few of us went out to eat and then bowling. All in all it was a good night. I think I’ll really start to like these AA Istanbul people.

I have enjoyed bumming around these last few days, but I do need to get serious at some point about trying to figure out an income. My money really isn’t going to last forever. In fact, it might not last that long at all. Hmm.

I got everything taken care of with the cell phone registration. I’m really grateful I did, too. It’s nice to knock another thing off the list. Now if I just find an income everything will be great and wonderful.

I’m not too worried about the income, but I’m reaching a point where I’ve sort of run out of things I can occupy my time with and legitimately feel like I’ve got to do them and not that I’m just avoiding trying to figure out how I’m going to support myself.

If I could do it selling art one way or another I’d totally start working on that. I just feel like there’s a really big gap between where I am now and earning money as an artist. Maybe that gap will be bridged sometime soon. That would be pretty awesome.

I get so tired at night. It seems to sneak up on me, too. Like I’m doing alright and feeling ok and then bam. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have a feeling it’s got to do with the time change. Last night I was awake until 2 am. That’s like 7 am China time. I then woke up at 7 or 8 am wishing I was still asleep. I’m excited to go to bed soon. I’m way too tired to stay up any longer.

I went to a meeting on Istiklal street tonight. It was a small meeting, but a really nice group of people. I think it’ll prove to be a great place for me. A girl from the meeting offered to take me to the government office where I can register my phone. I really appreciate her helping me with it. I don’t think I could navigate that on my own.

I’ve been coughing the past few days. I have to wonder if it wasn’t just my lungs clearing all the China crud out. I’m grateful I seem to be mostly through with that.