I had a much better day today. I went to an interview with a school that has much better pay and seems to be pretty well organized. I liked the woman who interviewed me. I hope that she offers me a job. The school would offer me health benefits which I need to get a residence permit and they’d also help me get the residence permit processed. I might run into problems getting a residence permit processed without leaving Turkey, but I hope that doesn’t turn out to be the case. I’m still a little apprehensive about the actual teaching, but that should go alright.

I was just looking at the book I’ll be using for the classes that I’m teaching this weekend. It’s going to take me a while to familiarize myself with everything. Hopefully it won’t take too long. Since the pay is quite low I’m not really willing to commit a lot of time preparing for class, but I also don’t want to screw over the students who are their because they want to learn English and have paid what I’m sure is quite a bit of money for the class. I only have one class on Saturday so tomorrow I will review everything for that class. On Sunday I have one class and 2 speaking clubs. The speaking clubs might be a little more difficult. I’d like the students to learn something, but it’s tough because it’s basically unstructured time I’ll have to fill. I think if I come up with a topic I can then elicit words or phrases that we use to talk about that topic and after putting the words on the board give the students a bunch of different questions they can ask each other. That should work.

My stomach has been upset all day and I’ve had diarrhea. I’m not sure if it’s something I ate that didn’t agree with me, or if the stress of these last few days is the culprit. I hope that tomorrow is better.

I finally booked a flight to Antalya. I was immediately struck with remorse and guilt after booking it. I haven’t purchased a place to stay while I’m there yet. It’s possible I’ll get up tomorrow and decide to cancel the flight. I know it would be good for me to extricate myself from this situation for a few days and Antalya seems like an economical way of doing that. I’m stuck in this terrible cycle of not trying or doing much and then I feel terrible about myself for not trying. I’m in the thick of it now, though, which makes it nearly impossible to actually proceed past and make some meaningful change.

On a brighter note, I did go for a ‘run’ this afternoon. That I greatly enjoyed. I walked a lot of it, but I also ran for spurts. I know if I continue running I’ll get to a point where I’m walking less and less. I’ve been here a month and haven’t done anything more strenuous than walking since I got here. I’ve also become exceptionally focused on my discontent with my body image right now. I know that it’s just a symptom of how out of control I feel like the rest of my life is. I wouldn’t feel so bad about it if I felt financially secure. Blergh.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day that could be better than today. A day filled with hope and promise. It’s really what I make of it.

If life were always easy we’d never learn, grow and change. I want to learn, grow and change. The challenge of right now will facilitate that. I’ve got some things to do tomorrow and I’m hoping to get out of bed earlier or at least get a better step on the day. Actually, now that I think about it, I could run to the school and pay for the class. That’s maybe what I should do. Hmm. I’ll investigate further in the morning.

I am excited about Antalya. It’ll be great to get away for a few days.

Oh shit, I just realized that I have to send C in Germany 5 pages by Thursday. Or, did we say on Thursday? Now I can’t remember. I should be fine if I email it to her on Thursday. I’ll work on 5 pages tomorrow. I should have plenty of time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Not super overwhelmed, but enough that it’s keeping me from being able to enjoy myself because I feel like there’s this thing, this unresolved something that even though I’m not focused on won’t allow me to truly enjoy whatever moment I’m currently in. It’s frustrating. I don’t know how to escape this feeling. I mean really, I’m not in that terrible of a position. I’ll have some money coming in soon and I’ve got the whole week free. It’s really cool to have the whole week free. I’m excited about that.

I met a guy tonight who I’ve been chatting with for a while. A week or two ago I told him we’d might as well just call off meeting altogether. He messaged me today and I responded. We got dinner and then dessert twice. I enjoyed hanging out with him, but I’m not interested in dating him. He’s not really my type. Plus, I feel like I’m beluga whale heavy right now which makes dating off limits.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Like a super awesome great day! Plus, tomorrow is Reiki share day. Yay! It’ll be happening while I sleep and then in the morning I’ll participate. How awesome is that? I’m super excited about it. I also saw a Reiki place in Kadikoy I’d like to check out. I plan to do that soon.

This money thing is just so annoying because I feel like all the paths I know I could use towards gaining an income don’t appeal to me. And not only do they not appeal to me, I don’t feel like I could even bear to do them for even a short period. I just can’t anymore. I feel a real aversion to any of them. I hope that means another path will be presented and I’ll be able to take advantage of that. I mean really, a lot of doors have closed. Another has to be opening shortly, right?

I more or less slept all day. I woke up in the morning and decided to practice Reiki and fell asleep again until the afternoon. I was in bed for a long time. I’m hoping to get up early tomorrow and have a more productive day.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time this evening doing next to nothing productive online. I’ve looked at apartments I won’t rent and checked out vacations I probably won’t take. I did find some flights to Cyprus next week that would be totally doable. I’m not sure I’m up for a vacation on my own, though. Cyprus looks really beautiful. I’ll maybe do some research as to how difficult it is to travel around and where I would go. What I most need to find out is if it would be easy for me to fly there and then get to a hotel easily on a beach somewhere. Hmm. The flights are cheap and the place looks beautiful. I almost feel like I have to do it- especially after the disappointment after deciding not to make Greece happen. I’ll take a look tomorrow and see if I come up with anything. It would be really awesome to go.

I was on the Asian side earlier today. I was in between classes and happened on some stationary/art stores. I went in and looked at pens. It’s so hard to find red ones that I like. The cheap ones always work best. The gel and rolling ones make it difficult to shade well. As I was looking at pens, I was struck with such a strong desire to write.

I’ve found this last month difficult. I’ve been feeling bad about not writing and starting a blog. I feel like I should be trying to write short stories and doing this and that. What I really want to focus on is drawing and creating art. It’s what interests me the most right now. It feels like writing would be a likelier path to a secondary income, but really it might be the art that leads me there. I’d create the art for nothing, though. I just love to do it. I hope to spend some time drawing tomorrow. How fun would that be? I’ve got nothing I have to do tomorrow (aside from sleeping in!). Woot woot!

I enjoyed the two classes today. If I do them again I’ll be more prepared and try to run them differently. It was a bit tough getting through the first one which was longer. I thought I was just supposed to chat and talk for the whole time. I didn’t realize that the students go to several of them a week at the school. Apparently they are usually taught vocabulary and other things during the speaking clubs. Oh well. The second one went better because we played a game which the students seemed to enjoy.

I might like this teaching. I liked the students and found myself having fun with it. I hope that continues. It’s great to have the whole week off. If only I was making more money working on the weekend. Financially things will work out. And really, I’m ok with withdrawing from my old retirement account for a while. If I want I can find more full time hours this fall when the hiring picks back up. It’s also possible I’ll be able to pick up some private students before then and continue working part-time at this school and bridging the gap in my income with private lessons. That’s all going to work out somehow. I could really see myself staying here a while and liking it a lot.

I had a really fun time skyping with my parents this evening. I’m so lucky to have such great parents and to enjoy such a nice relationship with them. They also gave me some money which I could have turned down, but I’m stressed about money so I pretty much caved and accepted it right away. Everything is going to work out beautifully on that front. I’m super excited to see how it all falls into place, too. It’s going to be an amazing ride!

I wanted to draw today, but didn’t make the time to do it. I haven’t drawn anything since I got here at the beginning of the month. This discourages me. I’ve now been here a month and I’ve done next to know drawing and very little writing. I haven’t done any writing that I would try to share with anyone else. I had hoped that a change would spark something inside me and I’d feel inspired to pursue these things. It might still happen – this last month was busy getting settled and sightseeing. I just don’t know.

I’m going to teach tomorrow. I have 2 speaking clubs that I’ll be doing. It’s going to be interesting to see how they go. I’m excited for them. Well, excited is maybe not the right word. I’m not dreading them, though. I hope to have fun. I also hope there are some interesting students. I think there will be. I plan to prepare a few topics that we can talk about. I have been given very little instruction as to what to expect as far as the speaking clubs go. There might be a few students, possibly up to 10.

I also sent off my resume for another teaching job in Istanbul. I don’t really want a more full time job, but it would be nice to work somewhere that would give me more help with the residence permit and figuring those things out. It’s also possible I can find something that offers a housing allowance and other perks this job isn’t going to give me. I’d feel like kind of a dick bailing on this job, but if I found something with considerably better pay, benefits or hours I’d totally bail in a heartbeat. I haven’t looked around at all so I have no idea what’s out there. The one concern I do have is that if I get a full time job I’d maybe not take the time to look at online options or other ways of getting an income.

I had a nice, relaxing day. I slept in for a long time this morning. I sometimes feel guilty about sleeping in super late, but I’ve been getting up so early and running all around lately that taking today and sleeping in was a wise decision. I’m sleepy again, now, and will probably go to bed soon. Tomorrow I’m going to try to get up a little earlier than today. It would be nice to get something done in the morning and feel like I’m being productive. I really want to apply for this teaching position that was listed online. I have to update my resume and figure out references. I could just skip the references for now, but the add asks for them so I should probably include some. The school has a good reputation and they are looking for teachers with a business background to start teaching business English. I would like to gain some experience teaching business English because I think it could be a lucrative way of making money teaching private lessons. I also spoke to a guy after the meeting tonight who mentioned that he will probably be leaving Istanbul because of the new residence permit requirements that apparently make it much more difficult to obtain a residence permit.

Everything will get worked out. I just need to give it time. I’m going to share my story at a meeting tomorrow and I’m nervous about it. I was asked at the meeting on Thursday and said that I would. I haven’t told my story very often and it’s been a long time since I did. I will practice tonight before going to bed and then will work on it some more tomorrow. I don’t find talking in front of groups super easily and generally don’t share for long periods of time. I would like it to be at least a little thought out when I share and hopefully not just inane rambling. Hmm.

I’m also nervous about this teaching job that I’m going to be starting soon. I called the guy from the program today and told him I’m not going to be able to work at all during the week. I’m not ready to change everything and move to the Asian side for this job. It doesn’t make sense that I would spend an hour commuting to the school to work 2 hours and then have another hour commute home. If I like it and want to continue working there I’d consider moving to the Asian side and then picking up some hours during the week, but right now I want to see if I like teaching. I don’t really want to teach. I’d rather get a better job that paid me more, but teaching is all I seem to be very qualified to do here. I don’t know, maybe I’d be better off avoiding teaching at all and committing myself to trying to find something else. My gut says that I’m not going to want to start teaching a full time job with a lot of hours. A couple of people have warned me about the guy who offered me the job as well. He’s pretty harmless, but has been described as a ‘bulldozer.’ I can totally see that. He said it was fine “for now” that I don’t teach during the week, but I have a feeling it’s going to come up again pretty soon and I’ll have to deal with it then. I guess I’ll just take it as it comes.

I had a super busy day. I got up really early to get over to the Asian side to observe a class. I then stayed over there so I could make it to the meeting. I enjoyed the day and found out a few new things. There are apartments popping up all over the city that might work and other job opportunities I didn’t realize even existed. I’m planning to start teaching at this school on the Asian side, but I’m going to tell him I can only teach on the weekend for now. I really want to take a Turkish class and ease into any teaching. I’ve also not looked at any other schools and I think that I should do that. I might find a better opportunity out there. There are a lot of red flags about this school. I think it’ll be ok, but I’m not sure. It’ll be really easy to walk away from if things don’t work out so I figure I’ll give it a try. I might end up liking it a lot, too. You never know.

I got dinner with a program person after the meeting. I enjoyed it. He’s a nice guy and it was great to make a new friend. He’s also got a lot of information about the city and is willing to give me some advice on jobs and such. I hope to hang out with him again soon.

I have realized that the part-time position I was offered is maybe not the best. I still think I’ll give it at try because it’ll get me some experience teaching in Istanbul and I’m really not sure I’ll like teaching adults. This will be a pretty low-pressure way of figuring out if teaching is something I want to pursue or if I just need to walk away from that idea altogether. I think this is a good opportunity to help me figure that out. I won’t be teaching that many hours and it’ll be pretty easy to walk away from if need be. I wasn’t very impressed with the school and the pay certainly isn’t the best, but even if I only stick around for a couple months that will be ok. From what I understand there will be a hiring push come September and I can jump to something better at that time if I choose.

I was walking home tonight and had this feeling of contentment. Like there was nothing outside of myself I needed in order to feel content. This past year I’ve been turning to sugar to fill that whole in my soul, but since getting here actually I’ve found it much easier to resist the sugar binges. I still sometimes choose to eat a chocolate bar or whatever else, but I don’t feel as much like I have to as I did in China or Thailand. It’s really nice. I hope it continues.

I like this city and think that staying awhile would be really great. It’s also possible I’ll find another opportunity somewhere else and flutter off. If that ends up being the case I’m ok with it. I’m just flowing with life right now and trying to listen enough to follow where I’m lead.

My mind has been going today on the feeling I have fairly often that none of this life is real. Like this world I inhabit is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I’m not sure why I slip into that mode of thinking. It could be the case that something external has affected me which then means I fall into this line of thinking as a reaction to that. I’m not sure what that would be though. Maybe it’s just a moment of clarity. Who knows. We’ll see where that line of thought leads me.

I am going to watch a class that is taught by the director of studies at the school where I’m planning to start working in the morning. It’s a 4 hour class so I’m not excited about it, but I really want to see what’s expected of me as far as teaching goes. There are no office hours and I’m not paid well enough to spend a lot of time outside of class preparing for class. I’m not even sure that kind of thing is really expected. I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow. I might not stay for the whole 4 hours, but I don’t have much else going on so it’ll get me out of the apartment and moving in the morning. In the evening I’m planning to go to the meeting and afterwards have plans to hang out with a guy from the program. He’s gay and teaching here so I’m hoping to get the lowdown on those things.

I can’t believe I’m feeling nostalgic for China. I mostly miss the people I met in Shanghai. What a wonderful recovery community. The city itself isn’t nearly as bad as Ningbo was, but I know that moving there and staying in China wouldn’t have been the right decision for me. I really don’t think I would have lasted at another teaching job in that country. Who knows. Maybe I’ll decide to go back someday. If it wasn’t for the teaching I’d consider living in that city. At least for a spell.

I’ve had a much better day today than I’ve been having. I slept better last night and woke up this morning feeling more rested. I’m really grateful for that. I also feel like a weight has been lifted. These past few days I’ve been swallowed up by these feelings that I’m not going to be able to figure things out and that the future is doomed. It’s like I couldn’t break free from this strange grip on my conscious. Today I don’t feel like the opportunities (yep, I’m going to use that word) are insurmountable. Sure, I’ll have to work at a few things to figure stuff out, but I’m capable of doing that. Things will work out. I don’t need to worry or start creating a plan to run away.

I went and checked out a language school today. I’m probably going to start working some part-time hours there. It’s not going to be enough to pay the bills, but it will be something to stave off running through all of my savings. Depending on how I like it, I also think I can probably pick up some more hours in a couple months (or sooner). I don’t want to work my ass off or anything, but we’ll see. The job is teaching adults which I’m excited to do. I’m told they are a higher level so I can hopefully develop a relationship with many of them and enjoy class. I imagine that it won’t be just playing games and feeling like a puppet like my time in China was. If I like teaching adults it would be a massive improvement in my life.

I have been holding out this hope that I will be able to figure out a way to support myself writing or producing art in the future (probably distant future). Tonight I started to think that maybe that’s not realistic and that I should let that go. Yes, it would be great, but perhaps that’s simply not the path ahead of me. At this stage of my life I really can’t turn anything down and need to keep my eyes (and mind!) open to all opportunities. I could probably find many different kinds of jobs fulfilling. We’ll see where that goes. I am going to start asking for a lot more guidance in my meditation and on a daily basis. I know that I’ll be shown the path when the time is right.

This morning I woke up with the lyrics from a song going through my head. The lyrics were something like “you don’t need to do this on your own.” I know that I need to ask for help and remember that when I do ask for help it’s always given. I have such trouble asking anyone to help me. I’ve also tried to be so self-reliant for so long and not rely on other people. In a lot of ways I’ve managed to do that. Especially when it comes to emotions. I’ve had such a hard time trusting other people with my emotions. As a result of that, I also find it difficult to provide emotional support for other people. Since I’m self-reliant in that regard (for better or worse) I sometimes find it hard to empathize with other people who aren’t. It’s also made dating extremely problematic. I’m now in a city surrounded by unbelievably attractive men and I’d love to meet one and develop a relationship. I feel like I’m ready to try to do that, but there’s still this baggage that comes pulling me down.

I think that eventually any career or long-term revenue stream will need to incorporate a great deal of creativity in order to keep my interested. Otherwise I just won’t be able to do it for the long-term. I hope to find or create a path for that. I think that Istanbul could be a great place to explore the writing and the art further. If I have more joy in my life both will come easier to me. I think, anyway. I’ve been meaning to start a blog since I left the US a year ago and still haven’t done that. These past few days I’ve been thinking more about it. I even wrote a bunch of things in a notebook that I could use towards a blog post. I’ve got a lot of ideas and now that I’m getting my sense of humor back I think that it could be a great use of my time and something I would really enjoy. Even if it never takes off into something big, it would be a really fun way to stay in touch with my friends back home.

Tomorrow is the last tourist day with C from Germany. We are going on a Bosphorous cruise that will take most of the day. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve enjoyed this last week hanging out with her a lot. It’s been a lot at times, but I’m really grateful to have met her and to have been able to spend this time with her. I’ll miss her when she’s gone. Although, who knows, maybe she’ll be back on a more permanent basis sometime soon.

I am going to start that blog. Maybe not tonight, but it’s going to happen. And it’s going to be super fun because I’ve got an immense amount of joy in my future. I’m going to find my happiness, pleasure and revel in their beauty. I can live the life I want to live and I’m determined to make that a reality. I will work towards my dreams and I will be fulfilled. Woot woot!

I’ve also got to start drawing again. I haven’t drawn any pictures since I got to Istanbul, but I’d really like to take some time to do that. I miss drawing. I am thinking I’ll make my goal be to complete one picture a week. It’s really not an ambitious goal – one picture a week would be pretty easy to do, but it would be a great way to make sure that I continue producing drawings and don’t fall into this trap where I go a month without drawing anything. I could also start putting them on the wall again which would be a great reminder to draw something.