I had a very long and busy day. I’ve been up and out of my apartment since I left for the Asian side at 8 am this morning. I got home around midnight.

I start my new job tomorrow. I’m excited. Well, excited isn’t quite the right word for what I’m feeling right now. It’ll be nice to have a nicer income and I’m actually looking forward to having less free time. I know this job will be quite a bit of work, but I’m also hoping for some support and the ability to become a better teacher. Teaching today was quite difficult, but a large part of that was because I didn’t really prepare for my classes.

I’m so excited for bed. I have to get up in the morning again, but I at least get to sleep in a little longer tomorrow. And I’ll probably only work for 4-5 hours tomorrow so I’ll have more downtime that I did today. Yay! I could use some downtime.

I have had a busy, full day. I taught this morning and then finally made it to the Istanbul Modern to watch a film. I’ve been meaning to go for a while now. It was fun.

I’m very tired because I was up late last night. I’m about ready for bed now and am looking forward to getting a better night’s sleep tonight. I’ve got one class in the morning and then 3 speaking clubs in the afternoon. I’m not really sure what I’ll do for the speaking club, but hopefully it’s fun. I like the speaking clubs. Last week went well, but I don’t think I want to play the same warmer game I played with them last week.

I’m going to accept this 9 month contract to teach for a school here in Istanbul. I’m excited and I think it’ll be good. If nothing else, it’s only 9 months. I don’t have anything else planned or lined up so if I decided not to take it or go back to the US I don’t have a clue what I’d do. I’m excited to commit to staying here for a while. Soon I plan to start looking for different accommodations. This place has worked well, but it doesn’t quite feel like home. Maybe that will change.

All in all today was a good day. I’m exhausted because I didn’t get much sleep last night and successfully avoided taking a nap. My bed is calling.

I made it back to Istanbul earlier this afternoon. It’s nice to be back. This city feels like home. I also got the contract about the teaching job. The pay is lower than I’d hoped it would be. I sent an email back tonight with a list of questions. One of them was asking if the pay is negotiable at all and stating my case for getting a higher monthly salary. I’m not sure how that will be received, but I figure the worst thing that will happen is that I’ll be told ‘no.’ I can handle being told no. I feel like such an adult. Negotiating on contracts and figuring out how to make staying in Turkey work. Who knows, maybe I’m finally becoming one.

I’m teaching in the morning. It should be ok. I’m not really prepared for it, but I also don’t feel like putting much effort into it right now. I’ll be able to review some stuff in the morning. It’s late now and I’m tired. Blergh I’ve got to get up really early. To be at the school by 9:30 I have to leave my apartment at 8 am. I end up having a little extra time once I get to the Asian side, but with how the ferries run that’s the only choice I have. I think, anyway. I’m looking forward to finding a new place to live. Preferable somewhere a little quieter and nicer. This place has been good for me as a landing pad, but long-term it doesn’t feel like home. I’m excited about the prospect of finding something new and more fitting for me. It’s ok if I have roommates.

I enjoyed my final day in Antalya. I had another lazy(ish) morning. I actually woke up around 9 am though and have been awake ever since. I didn’t get out of bed right away because I seldom do, but I did wake up then. I ate breakfast, meditated and then went to the beach. I walked forever all along the beach. I had intended on finding a nice spot where I could rent a beach chair and read a book in the shade of an umbrella, but all of those spots were playing loud music so I just kept walking. I finally walked far enough down the beach that there were nearly no people. It was nice. I swam quite a bit, laid in the sand and listened to podcasts while taking in the beautiful mountain views. I stuck around for a really long time before walking back and grabbing the tram.

My mood and outlook was much better today than it has been. I think part of the reason why is because I didn’t allow myself to hit the snooze button for hours on end this morning. I really, really need to try to keep up that habit going forward. I hate having days where I feel hopeless and I’ve certainly been able to link those more to days that I don’t get up in the morning.

I’m excited to go back to Istanbul. It’s been fun being in Antalya these last few days, but it’ll be nice to be back. I emailed the woman this morning about the teaching position and she said that she was hoping to send me an offer letter later today, but I didn’t see anything come through from her. I just don’t quite know what to make of it. Hopefully she’ll send the letter tomorrow. If I haven’t seen it come through by the time I’m back in Istanbul I’ll start applying for other jobs as well. This might be a sign that this position isn’t the right one for me. Usually when things don’t come through easily and I start fretting over them it later turns out that it wasn’t a great opportunity anyway. I should maybe look into other jobs and just let this one pass. I’ll sleep on it and ask Liz for advice tomorrow.

I have a huge blister on my toe and it hurts like hell. I’ve also got to get up quite early in the morning. I am still not totally sure how I’m going to get back to the airport to catch my flight. I think I’ll try to retrace my steps back the way I came when I got here. The problem is I just sort of got off the bus when I saw it would only take me 1/2 hour to walk to the pension. I think I can make my way back, but it’s unlikely to be fun with how my toe feels when I walk. It’s pretty painful to walk a long distance, although I’ve walked some really long distances on it today. Maybe it’ll feel better tomorrow anyway.

I’m also not excited that it’s nearly 2 am now and I’ve got to get up in about 4 hours. It’ll be ok though. I’ll set an alarm and then wake up easily enough. I want to leave here by 7 am because I think that should be plenty of time to make it to the airport. I sure hope, anyway. Worst case scenario if I can’t find the bus stop that I need I’ll just flag down a cab and get to the airport that way. It’ll be more expensive, but better than missing my flight.

I got a much later start to the day than I had hoped. I kept hitting the snooze button which is always the kiss off death. It has some pretty major repercussions for the rest of the day, too. I think that my mood was off because I slept for so long last night and didn’t get up in the morning. I did finally make it outside and went to the beach. I walked along the boardwalk for a while and then went swimming. It was beautiful. I enjoyed that quite a bit, but I didn’t stay for too long because I then went to a meeting in the early evening.

I found myself stuck for a while today in this homesick what am I going to do mood. This place is beautiful, but I found it hard to enjoy myself. I did spend a lot of time outside looking at the gorgeous mountains in the distance. That I enjoyed very much.

While I was at a park looking at the mountains this guy struck up a conversation with me. I don’t know any Turkish and his English was pretty limited. I agreed to meet him later in the evening at 10 pm. I kind of figured he was there to hookup. I have read some things about guys having trouble getting assaulted or robbed in parks at night. Surprisingly, when I went to the park today trying to meet a guy was the last thing on my mind. I met him this evening and we ended up going to a place where he drank a couple beers. He wanted to rent a room in a different hotel near the old city because we couldn’t go back to either of the places we were staying. When the bill came for the beers (he drank two and I only had water) I got to pay. He said something about leaving his bank card in his hotel room. I then realized I was expected to pay for the hotel and that I was maybe getting hustled. We went for a short walk (looking for condoms…). I ended up telling him that I wasn’t up for it that night and no longer thought it was a good idea. He asked me for money for a taxi back to his hotel. He had initially told me it was close to where we were, but then wanted me to give him 60 lira for a taxi. Things just really didn’t add up. I refused to give him the money and walked away. I’m grateful I didn’t go to a hotel with him and end up getting robbed or stuck with the hotel bill. I figure paying for the beers was fine. It was nice to have some company.

Yeah, so I’m lonely. Blergh. I hate being lonely. If I get a job, some structure and am busy again that will really help. It’s tough having 5 days of not really doing anything. And I haven’t been doing any drawing lately, either. I miss drawing, but don’t have much desire to do it right now.

Today was spent in a dark, kinda gross cinema sucking off Turkish guys. I did get outside by the sea a little bit. I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty about it. It was a day well spent. I’ve been horny lately and have needed some kind of release. I probably didn’t need to spend as long as I did there, but I’m ok with how I spent today.

Tomorrow I am going to spend the day by the sea. I plan to make my way to the beach in the morning. I’ll leave my phone at the pension so that I don’t worry about someone stealing it. I bought some ziploc bags today that I can put some money into when I leave so that I can swim with the money in my pocket. That way I’ll only have to leave my shirt and shoes unattended while I’m swimming. I’m really looking forward to this. It’s going to be awesome. I’d also like to make it to some cool ruins around here. I asked about a tour today, but they are pretty expensive and I’m not sure a tour would be quite what I want to do. We’ll see. There is an AA meeting tomorrow I’d kind of like to make it to. It’s in the afternoon. Maybe someone at the meeting will have a suggestion or know of how I can get somewhere easily that won’t cost me a million dollars.

I also bought a couple new shirts today. I found 2 short sleeve button down shirts that fit me so I’m excited about that. I really, really need some new clothes. I’ll probably buy some more when I get back to Istanbul, too. So many of the clothes I’ve been wearing since leaving the US just need to be thrown away. I’ve been wearing them for years.

Ok, and with that I’m off to bed. Woot woot! I slept like shit last night so I’m hoping to get a better nights rest tonight. I’ll be in bed earlier so that will be nice at least.

I almost forgot! Last night I had a dream that I was staying somewhere and then there were mice on the floor and I was like “I’m not sure I can stay here anymore.” The next thing I know instead of mice there are scorpions walking all over the floor. I think I was in a hotel of some kind. It was strange, but it made me think about my current situation and that the paths I’d like to take (or the ones I’d consider walking down) are all scary because there are things that could potentially hurt me. Like I’m stuck at a standstill because I’m afraid if I choose something things will go very wrong. Anyway…..

I need to get my eating under control. I’ve been eating a lot and don’t feel good about my weight right now. I’d love to start exercising with more regularity and lose some weight. I miss feeling desirable. I don’t remember the last time I felt attractive and confident.

I’m horny and need to mess around. There are hot Turkish guys everywhere. Everywhere! I think tomorrow I’m going to go to ‘cinema.’ It could be a very interesting experience. I hope it is anyway.

I got to Antalya earlier tonight. I found the pension right as the sun was setting. It’s a pretty city at night – especially the old city. I’m excited to see more of it during the day. From what I saw before the sun went down tonight it is very beautiful.

I called K from the airport and told him I won’t be able to continue working for his school. He didn’t ask me too many questions. I told him I’d found another job and that I was going to pursue that. I expected him to ask more questions and want more details on everything, but he was pretty quick to say ok and leave it at that. I don’t know why I made it out to be such a big deal. Telling him has been hanging over my head for the last couple of days. I’m grateful to have finally taken care of that.

I’m off to bed now. I’ll waked up in the morning and have my first full day in Antalya. I’m not really sure what I’ll do. It’ll probably involve a lot of walking around and maybe some fooling around. Perhaps a lot of fooling around. Who knows….

I had a really great day today. It was extremely busy. I’m grateful that I get to go to bed soon. I’m also grateful I am flying to Antalya tomorrow for some fun and relaxation.

I taught this morning and then ran two speaking clubs this evening. The teaching went better than yesterday. Much better than yesterday, now that I think about it. The morning class was still difficult at times, but I got through it and even managed to have a little fun teaching. I greatly enjoyed the speaking clubs I did this evening, too. I think the students had a pretty fun time as well. A couple of them after class thanked me and told me what a fun time they had. It was so strange to find myself teaching and actually enjoying it. During the break in speaking clubs I found myself walking around smiling and just happy. It’s been so long since I had joy – like true joy in my life. It was really powerful to feel that after teaching today. I hope that I like the other job and situation as much as this one. I think that I will. Actually, I might even like it more because there will be more structure and I’ll feel better compensated for it all. I’m really looking forward to starting and putting in some real time towards this teaching. I know I could be a good teacher and get a lot out of it. That’s what I’m really looking forward to.

And yay! I’m off to Antalya tomorrow. What could be better?

It’s strange – unfamiliar, really, to like my life. What a wonderful gift.

I’ve had a good day. I got up early and made it to the school in Kadikoy. The first class was a bit difficult to get through. I was told that the class was on unit 6, but found out in the morning 5 minutes before it started that I was actually on unit 7. I hadn’t really prepared very much, but I had reviewed and familiarized myself with what I thought I would be teaching. Walking into class and teaching modal verbs from the book wasn’t the easy thing I’ve ever done, but I got through it. I feel bad that class was pretty boring for the students – mostly me saying “now do this exercise” as I was trying to use the teacher’s book to figure out what the hell I was actually teaching. Hopefully tomorrow will go better. I also ended up teaching a speaking club in the afternoon that I enjoyed quite a bit.

I’ve been thinking today about how I had a difficult day, but my mood was much better than normal. I think it’s in large part because I’ve been busy and have felt useful and like I’m accomplishing something. It’s also nice to be able to joke around with the students and have fun which I got to do a lot more in speaking club this afternoon. I hope that tomorrow goes well, too. I have every reason to think that it well. I’m not well prepared for the morning class (I’m exhausted from today), but I’ll have a little time to review in the morning before teaching and I’m not willing to put a lot of time into it based on how today went.

I also heard back from the woman who interviewed me for the other job. She said that they would like to move forward with my application. She said that she would send a contract early next week. I got the news shortly after getting to school in the morning and it really brightened my spirits. I’m curious to see what the pay is, but I am confident it will be more than I expected before arriving in Turkey as far as pay is concerned. The job also offers paid vacation, holidays, health insurance and they are going to do most of the work to process my residence permit. I really don’t think that I’d be able to stay in Istanbul without major help from a school in getting my residence permit processed so it’s all pretty great. I hope the pay is adequate. I should find out soon enough. If it’s not enough I can always try to negotiate as well. It’s a great relief to finally have a definitive sign that everything on that end really is working out. This last month has given me a lot to think about as far as how my mood is affected by things and affects things. I’ve been at wits end this past month and really, all I had to do was chill out and let everything fall into place. I’ve just got a lot to think about and reflect on in that regard. It’s been a great, interesting and frustrating learning experience.

I got my haircut tonight. I walked in with the intention of asking how much a haircut cost right off the bat, but I was motioned into a chair and just let things happen after that. I ended up getting ripped off (by a lot) on the haircut. I should have called the guy out on it, but instead I just paid the bill and left. I’ll never go back there, of course, but it’s like I knew this was happening and I still didn’t say anything. I just allowed myself to get taken advantage of. I’m kind of pissed at myself about it. I also realize it’s a learning experience and now that it’s happened once I’ll be more vocal next time and certainly make sure to find out the price of the service before just sitting down. So in that regard, I can chalk it up to a learning experience and know that as a result next time I really will do things differently. And really, I will. I won’t let myself get ripped off like that again. I sometimes let down my guard, but I guess I just need to keep in mind that I can’t do that here. Especially when I’m doing things I’m not that familiar with.

And with that I’m off to bed. I’ll be getting up early again to teach in the morning. It should be easier since I’ll get getting such a better night’s sleep.

I slept in today. Since yesterday was an off day – both mentally and physically, I was fine sleeping in until a little past 11 am. I was up late so it really wasn’t sleeping excessively. Plus, it’s nice to have more relaxing days.

I went to the meeting tonight which was nice. Afterwards we did fellowship where we always do fellowship, which was kind of annoying. I would have eaten something, but the restaurant is expensive. Instead I spent a lot on a glass of fresh squeezed grapefruit juice. It tasted great, but I kind of wish they would start doing fellowship somewhere else.

A guy in the program plays for a band and some of the other people went to see him perform tonight. I joined them. It was fun to see a bit of the Istanbul nightlife. I just don’t go out like that anymore. I ended up talking to a nice girl from the UK and she gave me teaching advice which was appreciated. All in all it was a fun night. I’m grateful to have my head in a better place than it’s been these last few days. Everything is in the process of working out. I can, and will, allow God to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

I’m still hoping to hear back from this woman I interviewed with yesterday. If she offers me a job I’ll take it. If not I’ll most likely leave here after my tourist visa runs out. I really can’t imagine trying to figure out the residence permit on my own. It sounds like no one really knows what the new rules are and I’ve also heard that I need things I don’t have – like health insurance. An employer to coordinate those things would be great. Anyway, I guess my point is that I should start taking a closer look at where I’ll go when this is done. I’ve been here over a month which means it very well could be sooner rather than later and the more prepared I am the better. I haven’t thought so much about it, but perhaps I could go to Beirut or another country and chill for a while. I could also finally run off to India/Nepal and do that for several months. That would be pretty cool. I’m grateful that I have time to think about it, but I’d rather not back myself into a corner again and then choose someplace because I’ve got no where else to go. I suppose I could also fly to Thailand and bum around there for a month and then head to India from Thailand. It’s a cheap flight. But, I’ve also got to get an Indian visa. Blergh. Ok, so I guess I’ve proven I’ve got a lot to think about. That’s for sure. And really, if a decent job comes through that will coordinate the work visa I’ll stay. It’s very likely I could find one of those if I just gave it a try.

I am teaching in the morning. I’m not very excited about this. Partly because I’ll end up being tired for the class since it’s getting late now. I’m also not really prepared to teach. The woman who does the coordinating emailed me the unit that I’ll be teaching. I just sat down and looked at it – part of it, rather. I was told to teach about an hour a page so in a 4 hour class I’ll go over roughly 4 pages. The unit from the book is 10 pages long. I really can’t lesson plan or get too familiar with it when I don’t know what 4 pages out of those 10 I’ll even be teaching. This isn’t such a huge problem because I didn’t really want to spend much time lesson planning. The pay is low and I’m not interested in putting a lot of time outside of class into preparing for class. I hate to say that, but it’s simply the way I feel. I’ll see how tomorrow goes and then maybe spend more time preparing for my classes on Sunday. I think I’ll like teaching adults. Hopefully that goes well. If not, I’ll quit and it won’t be much skin off my back.