I’ve had a busy day and I’m tired. It was, however, a good day. I’m hoping to figure out a room soon. I’ve seen 2 places that could work, nothing that really excites me. I am going to the school tomorrow, but I don’t work. My goal is to look at apartments in the afternoon or evening.

I also realized I forgot to post an update last night. Oh well.

The other thing that’s been on my mind is that KP hasn’t quite been what I’d like it to be. Lately I’ve been using it as a place to recount, in a rather dry manner, the story of my day. I’d rather use KP as a place to mull things over that are on my mind. I can use morning pages as a place for the dry, retelling of events. I’m going to give that some thought. I’m simply too tired to do much right now.

I’m really grateful that today is over and that I get to sleep in tomorrow. My classes really didn’t go that well today. I know they will get better, I just have to be patient and give it time. My first one on one this morning was painful at times. I hadn’t really prepared well enough and thought that what I’d planned to do would take longer than it did. He had to leave early which was great. I have no idea what I would have done with another 1/2 hour to fill.

My other one on one went better this evening. He was very talkative and I spent most of the lesson having him tell me all about his work and what he does. He’s at a lower level, but very motivated to learn and improve his English so I think it’ll go well.

My final class this evening was rough. I had a few things prepared which we did right away, but after that it was mostly ‘do this exercise out of the book now.’ The students got really bored and then class just seemed to drag on. We also didn’t cover nearly as much as I’d hoped we would cover. There were 2 students who hadn’t been to class yet. I know that as the students get to know me the class will start going better. I would also be best off preparing more activities for class and thinking it through more. Since I don’t have much of a break between classes in the evening I didn’t have time to really review my lesson plan which also would have helped.

I’m planning to go into work in the afternoon tomorrow. I am going to observe a couple classes in the evening and also meet with one of the other teachers who will walk me through some planning type things. I’m really grateful to be getting some extra help from him. I’ll also spend some time looking at lessons for Thursday. I’m not excited about repeating today on Thursday. It really felt like all I did today was spend time at the school or commuting back and forth from the school. And really, that’s basically all I did. I came home and took a super long nap after my morning class which didn’t help that feeling. I have my doubts about teaching and this position, but I really think that if I stick it out it’ll get better. I’ve got fewer hours right now so I’ll be able to put some more time into lesson planning. I also don’t have anything scheduled for Friday so I’ll be able to maybe not go in on that day at all. That’s what I’m hoping, anyway.

I haven’t had a relaxing evening, for the most part. I got homesick for a little while, but that was about all. I skipped the meeting tonight and have been sitting around my apartment for hours – mostly looking at places on craigslist. I found a few that might work, but not many that looked very promising. I might just be better off staying here for the time being.

I’m hoping that something really great shows up online within the next couple of days. I don’t have a lot of time to figure this out if I’m going to be able to avoid paying rent again. It’ll all work out, somehow.

I have to be at work super early tomorrow and I’m not excited about it. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me. I’m not super excited about it. It’ll be ok though. And it’ll be nice to be teaching some more classes. Today I went in and found out that my class had been cancelled. Tomorrow I’ve got 1.5 hours in the morning and 5 hours in the evening. It’s going to be a very long day. I will most likely come home after my morning class, take a nap and relax for a while. My evening classes don’t start until 5 pm so I’ll have quite a bit of time to nap. Unfortunately it also means that most of my day will be spent at work. Or at least that’s how it’s going to feel anyway.

I was at the school last Friday and was joking about something with the DoS. I know I caught her off guard with my comment. I’ve been thinking about that tonight. I used to always be making comments like that – funny, off the cuff remarks that are totally unexpected. I don’t really do that anymore. I wish I was though. I really miss fucking with people. It’s one of the few joys I get out of life. It’s so harder to fuck with people when you live in a foreign country because I don’t speak the language. That, and I’ve just not been in the mood to fuck with people the way I used to. I hope I can find that again. I used to really, really enjoy my sense of humor and making myself laugh at other people’s expense. Hmm.

I got my schedule for the week. It’s not so bad. I only have 15 hours scheduled which is a super light week. I can’t imagine doing 26 teaching hours, but thankfully I’ll get to ease into it. Right now I have nothing on the schedule for Wednesday or Friday. I’ll plan to spend more time this week lesson planning and hopefully hitting up a few of the other teachers for activities they like to do in class and other such stuff. It’ll be good. I figure the more of those things I learn now the better. When I have a full schedule I’ll be less likely to take the time to learn new things like that because I’ll be so swamped teaching. This way I can hopefully figure a few things out and become a better teacher. I’d really like to put forth some effort into becoming a good teacher. I didn’t really try at all in China and my attitude was such that I wasn’t going to be able to. Here I think I probably could. This city is so beautiful and I really like my life here. Woot woot!

I also went to a gay sauna today. I don’t plan to do that again. It wasn’t a great experience. Not terrible or anything, but certainly not one I need to have again anytime soon. Hopefully I can figure out how to meet guys that doesn’t involve an app or a bar. I don’t hold out much hope the apps will get me anywhere. After the sauna I went to Istiklal street to meet a friend and happened upon the gay pride parade. That was pretty cool, actually. I enjoyed it. I like that people stand up for what they believe in. Something I feel like I haven’t done much of in my life. Even now I still don’t do it. Maybe I’m a coward. I mean right now I have a story to tell regarding my journey through the machine that is mental health in America. I’m not telling that story. I hope that I can at some point. I feel I need to.

Today was kind of busy, but I managed to make time for 2 naps which were both really great.

I went to a hamam this afternoon… That wasn’t a great experience so I’ll never go back there again. I’m not sure if I’ll try to go to a different one tomorrow. The one that I was going to go to was not open. I couldn’t tell if they were closed down for good or if they just weren’t open today for some reason. I’d kind of like to go to another one tomorrow, but we’ll see. I didn’t get what I was looking for at all today. Even after I lowered my standards significantly there were still only like 2 guys there I would have fooled around with. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t much opportunity to even fool around.

I went to a museum tonight. They had band playing on the ground floor and the rest of the floors were open. I enjoyed looking at the exhibits. There was a lot of Andy Warhol stuff. I really like art. I should consider pursuing some type of career in the art world. It wouldn’t have to be as an artist, although I’m very interested in making art. Something to think about, I suppose.

Woot woot! I’m headed to bed now and able to sleep in tomorrow. It’s also Sunday tomorrow so I can buy a bunch of fruit and some cheese at the farmer’s market on the street near where I live. I’m looking forward to getting some more oranges. Those oranges are amazing.

I survived my first week teaching in Istanbul! I only taught a few classes. It’s going to be kind of crazy when I have a full schedule, but thankfully I’m starting in the summer and will be able to ease into it a lot.

I have a friend from Chicago who is going to be in Istanbul! I’m really, really excited to see her. It’s going to be amazing. I haven’t seen her forever and she’s a really great person to talk to about life and goals, directions and such. I think she’ll be a really good person to bounce some things off of. She’s got a great perspective on everything.

I’m excited to go to bed and not have to do anything tomorrow. It’s going to be great to sleep in and then just do whatever the hell I want to do. I will maybe check out a few art galleries and then possibly go to one of the gay hammams. I’ve been feeling a bit horny – like I’d just really like to have some contact with a guy. I’d prefer it to be more intimate than a hookup up type sex place, but that’s something I can work on. I’ve been using the app again and chatting with a few different people so who knows where that could lead.

Tomorrow I’m also going to take some time to look for a new apartment. I’ve got to get serious about that… I’ve only got about 2 more weeks until I’ll have to pay rent again here. There was lots of stuff online so I’m hopeful I can find a good place to live.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even write a short story tomorrow. I just had an idea on one I’d like to write, but it’s escaping me now. I’ve got so many short stories jumbling around in my head. Eventually I think they’ll get written. I sure hope so, anyway. Writing could be my ticket out of this financial mess. Or, perhaps it’ll just be something I enjoy doing and never become more than a hobby. Either way, I like doing it and get a lot of it so I’m grateful to be able to do it.

I spent most of the morning focused on being homesick and how much I miss the United States. A friend of mine called and I basically unloaded on him which was probably not what he was expecting. In truth, I’ve been kind of a mess lately. My days are very up and down – good then bad. At times I feel like everything is good and I like it here and would like to stay for a while. At other times I feel overwhelmed with this job and being in another new city and want nothing more than to bail and head back to the US. It doesn’t help that I’m also quite lonely and wish I was living somewhere I could date. I’m also ready to pursue something more – like comedy in some form, or maybe some kind of writing. I sometimes think that would be easier to do in the US with a strong social network behind me. I do much better when I have close friends nearby.

I am not teaching any classes tomorrow. I am going to observe another teacher teach one of his classes. I think that will be good. I’ve never taught a one to one and I think it might prove to be more difficult than I’d imagined. An hour and a half class is a lot of time to fill. I’m also hoping to make it to the mall and buy some more clothes after the class. I need a new pair of pants or two and some short sleeve shirts I can teach in. I bought a few button down ones last week, but I’d like to get some more. I don’t really want to tuck in all of my shirts and if I buy some regular polo shirts I can hopefully avoid that.

It was cold outside when I walked home, but now it feels pretty warm in my apartment. I’m going to bed in just a minute. I looked for a second on craigslist and there are many places for rent on craigslist. I think I’ll be able to find something that works better for me. Ideally I’d like nice flatmates and a shorter commute to the school. I think I can find that without too much trouble. I’m going to look more this weekend. I could even go and check a couple of places out this weekend. All in all, I’d say that things are looking up.

I had another busy day. It’s nice to be busy, but I have a feeling I might get burned out soon.

I taught a class tonight. It went pretty well and I actually enjoyed teaching a little bit. The students were nice and it was fun.

I just took a career assessment of some kind. I’d hoped to have it tell me what I should do for a career, but instead it tried to sell me something. It was pretty useless to spend 20 minutes choosing answers. What a waste.

Maybe I’ll do another one tomorrow. I really need to get serious about what I want to do. I might like this teaching and decide to stay, but I also might decide I hate it and that I’m going to bail very quickly. I guess we’ll see. I enjoyed it tonight, but it’s taking me a long time to prepare for my classes and I find preparing to be quite difficult. When I have a larger load of classes I think it’ll be really challenging to get them all prepared for. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow and go into school in the afternoon. I deserve a day to be lazy(ish). I teach a class in the evening from 7-10 that I have to prepare for. Blergh.

It’s super hot in this room. I really, really need to figure out a new place to live. There has to be something I’d like better than this place. I’ll get serious about checking out craigslist this weekend.

I’m not sure I’m up for this job. It’s going to be a lot of work. Like, a lot of work. On the one hand it’s an opportunity to become a much better teacher – the school has resources and teacher development, but I was also there from 11 am until 10 pm tonight which was way too long. Tomorrow I will not be there for nearly as long. I am planning to watch a teacher from 1:30 pm until 2:30 pm and then one or two other teachers in the evening. I’ll be there at the latest until maybe 8 om which won’t be as bad, but the hours of this job are going to be kind of insane. I’ve also been scheduled my first one-to-one student. I’d be much more excited about it, but the hours are right away in the morning at 8 am until 9:30 am on Tuesday and Thursday. I will then have more classes in the evening from 7-10 pm. I don’t know what other hours I’ll be teaching on any other days. I guess we’ll see.

There’s a part of me that’s been wanting to go back home for the simple reason that I feel like I could pursue something cool in the United States. Like maybe my time abroad has come to an end, for now. If I was back in the United States I could be doing stand up comedy and taking writing classes. I could move back to NJ and try to pursue that or I could move to Chicago and take classes there. I don’t know. I would like to work hard and become really good at something. I know that moving back wouldn’t be ideal, but I’m not sure I can make this job and staying in Istanbul work. I’m also a little homesick, but that’s another story. Being able to date again would be awesome, too. I really want to be dating. I have started using a gay dating app again. I’ve been having conversations with a few different guys. I don’t really see myself dating anyone (or hooking up with anyone) until I’ve started working out again and feel better about my body. I’m going to find a gym to join near the school. Hopefully soon. That way I can get start exercising regularly again. I’m totally over this situation with my weight right now. I think today completes day 6 of no sugar… I’m really grateful for that.

I made it through my first day of work. It was ok. I mainly sat and listened to the DOS explain the school and other things about teaching there. I like her and she’s really nice, but she also seems very, very busy.

I’m teaching a class tomorrow. I’m not super excited about it. Actually, I’m not excited about it at all. I know it won’t be that bad, but I looked at the book before leaving and went through a “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this” moment. That wasn’t super fun. I really just need someone to sit down with me and say “this isn’t that hard” and explain things to me for 15 minutes. I think I’ll ask Deirdre to do that tomorrow. I hate to come across like I have no idea how to teach, but I kind of feel like I have no idea how to teach. Especially after teaching this weekend on the Asian side. I’m sure I’ll get used to it and will find it pretty easy, but for now it just feels daunting and overwhelming.

I went to the meeting tonight and the couple from Denver I met 6 weeks ago was back. It was really nice seeing them. I like them both a lot. They told me all about their trip to Greece and Croatia. I enjoyed listening to their stories and just shooting the shit for a while. All in all it was a great night.

I’ve started looking for a new place to live. I’m going to be having split shifts so a short commute to work would be an ideal situation. I hope that the shifts are at least morning and night. I’m going to get a little pissy if I have one class early morning, another in the afternoon and another in the evening all with at least a few hours in between them. I have a feeling that would seem like I never leave the school. I will, however, try to keep an open mind about all of this. I’m hoping to find a place nearby so I can run home if I have a break for a few hours. I also think I’ll try to join a gym near the school so that I can also go and workout between classes. I really like that idea. I’m sure it’ll all fall into place.

I have gotten up early the last 4 days in a row. I’m not used to doing that at all and I’ve been tired during the day because I’m not getting enough sleep at night. I’m also not taking naps, which is probably good. I’m grateful I get to sleep in a little later tomorrow. I’m off to bed in a minute and excited about finally getting to sleep for the day. I’d hoped to make it home for a nap before the meeting tonight, but I went shopping instead. I was able to find a few shirts and a new pair of pants. I think I’ll go shopping again tomorrow, too. I spent about $45 on a pair of pants and 2 short sleeve button up shirts. I’m happy with that.