I feel so much discontent right now. It’s nearly overwhelming. I have felt angry since I got home from work. I hate being in this space – feeling so unfulfilled at work, but also like I’m not anywhere close to doing something better. It just feels terrible. It makes me want to say fuck it all and give up. Or run away again. I just can’t imagine living life like this forever. What’s the goddamn point? Will I ever have anything more, or will I be stuck and never find anything meaningful here? What am I doing wrong? Fuck this.

I know this feeling will pass. I have been pushing myself too hard lately – so many changes being back at work and having a full schedule again. I need to relax and have more downtime rather than run from thing to thing. I’m not good at not running from thing to thing though. And it’s all just feeling totally hopeless right now. I’m not sure there is any point to my life or living in general. I mean really, I keep reaching for something more and not finding that. Like I’m putting myself out there, I’m trying to get myself somewhere else. I’m doing my part, but don’t seem to be connecting and make it anywhere. I’m tired of this. I want to give up.

This will pass. It always does. I’ll go to bed now (early!) and get up tomorrow and it will be a new day. A new day that I can do something fun and interesting with, or not. It’s up to me.

I just want something more. I want something meaningful. I want to be living a full life. I want to be loving, yet I have nothing. I have no one and no reasonable expectation things are going to change in the foreseeable future.

Gratitude List:

After tomorrow I’ll be halfway through the week

Getting the writing done during lunch that I wanted to do

Getting to bed much earlier than normal

I met Laura at the coffee shop down the street tonight. We had our first writing meetup. It was fun and I’m really glad that we decided to do that. There was quite of a bit of talking (all my fault) which was to be expected, but we also had a lot of quiet time to just sit and write. I went over the reading assignments for class and then attempted to work on the writing ones. One of the assignments was to put down all the major moments of my life. I got that done, but it was just a list that only had about 10 things on it. The other assignment was to write a scene and the reading homework was all about showing, not telling and how to write scenes. I find this to be really hard because it’s not something I’m used to do doing. Even here every night I’m not writing scenes, I’m simply putting the thoughts that run through my head down onto paper. I know I would benefit greatly from working on writing scenes and it’s something I should give some real effort towards. Tomorrow at some point I’m going to have to write stuff for class. I plan to get something down on paper before I go. I only have to write 400-500 words so she really isn’t asking that much of us. I also know if I don’t complete the first assignment for class it’s not going to bode well for the rest of class. I can get it done during the day sometime and then show up to class with something written. It won’t be that hard and I should be able to find some time tomorrow. I could even work on it over lunch. Hell yes, that would work. Ok, so getting that written tomorrow and I feel better about it now. Wow, I’m really just vomiting onto the page right now. This feels good!

I made it through the day just fine. I didn’t really learn anything more than I’ve already learned, but it was nice to run through it again. I also felt much better today than I did last week. I’m not going to love this job or find it stimulating, but it’s going to be ok for a while. And with any luck it’ll just be a while. I don’t anticipate staying there for more than a year, but we’ll see. I like the guy who’s training me and I like the other woman who sits in his cubicle. In fact everyone seems to be nice. I’m going to stay serious about the job and really give it all I’ve got.

I have to start looking for apartments. I didn’t do anything in that regard all day. Well I guess I did passively look on craigslist for a minute at work, but I didn’t call and I definitely didn’t set up a time to go and view anything. Maybe I’ll make some more progress on that tomorrow. I also would really like to talk to M. I may decide to go back to NJ. I know that will become more clear as the time goes on. I could also wait to rent something until the September stuff becomes available at the beginning of the month. That would give me a little more time to think about it. I imagine the rental company I rented my apartment from will have a lot more stuff become available for September 1st. It would suck to have to find somewhere to stay for those two weeks after moving out of here before I could move into another place, but I should be able to navigate that if I need to. At least I hope I can.

I almost forgot to mention I went to the gym in the building after work. It was pretty good. They only have two elliptical machines I like which I was excited to use again, but when I got there they were both taken. I jumped on one of the rowing machines and did a 5k thinking “well this is nice, I’ll be out of here in twenty minutes versus the hour I would have gone on the elliptical.” I then finished the rowing, stretched and noticed one of the elliptical machines was free and jumped on for an hour. I’m so tired now because of it. I did feel like the energizer bunny while doing it this afternoon. I’m not sure if I’ll go tomorrow or not. I should probably skip it, but maybe I’ll pop in for a row after work. We’ll see.

Gratitude List:

A better day today – my body is adjusting to the new morning time

A nice evening of writing with Laura

Feeling so tired right now I should asleep immediately

I’m glad to be back in Minneapolis. One of my roommates dad and brother are staying here tonight, but I think he said he was leaving tomorrow. Apparently they’ll be back here next week which is fine. It’s just strange to have other people in the apartment. I’m used to having this whole space to myself. I talked to his brother earlier today when I got home and he seems like a nice guy.

I had a really nice weekend. It was great to see Auntie M and get to spend some time with her. I went for a ride in the kayak today and biked around the lake 3 times in a row yesterday. I really enjoyed doing both of those things.

I have to get up tomorrow and go to work. It’s so strange having to do that, but it’ll be ok. I’ve been thinking a lot more about going back to NJ lately. It would be hard to leave Minneapolis, but I might have an opportunity to start a professional job in another field while being able to take college classes. That in itself would be amazing. I’ve got a life here and a lot of friends which really would make it hard to leave, but I’m craving adventure and excitement right now which I’m not sure I’ll find in Minneapolis. I’d also like to be dating and Minneapolis is littered with attractive gays. I don’t have to make any decisions now and I don’t plan to.

I’m off to bed. My goal is to sit and meditate for 20 minutes before I go to sleep. I’ve got to go out into the apartment and turn the light off in the living room which is making it really light in my room because there is a frosted glass door. It’s nice during the day so this windowless room doesn’t feel like a dungeon, but it apparently sucks at night when the light is on in the living room. It’ll be fine though.

It’s storming outside now. It was very hot and humid today – it felt like a steam room. I suppose that’s more the Minnesota summer I’m used to. I hope it’s not raining tomorrow so that I can bike to work. The bus takes forever and I’d much rather ride my bike.

Gratitude List:

A weekend with Auntie M and the family

Getting to see cousin J last night

Being back at my home in Minneapolis

I am so tired. It has been a long week. I’ve struggled to get up in the morning and then I struggle to get to bed at night. I don’t anticipate that being too much of a problem tonight, but it’s past 11 pm and I really should have gotten myself in bed earlier than this.

I think I’ve done a really great job trying to stay positive at this job this week. Today was much better. I haven’t indulged that “I hate this” attitude that often and I’ve somehow managed to mostly avoid falling into the trap of just focusing on how much I don’t like work or being that guy who just hates it. I played that role for a long time at my last job and I don’t want to fall back into it in either my personal or professional life. For sure!

I meditated today, twice! Once this morning at work and then again at the meditation meeting tonight. It’s been really good! I’m off to my parents’ tomorrow which will be enjoyable. I kind of wish I could stick around Minneapolis and lay low, but it’ll be good for me to be surrounded by family again.

I’m grateful for this week. I’m grateful for all the things I’ve had to confront because of the new job. I’m grateful for this experience and what it’s teaching me because holy shit I’m learning a lot right now. And I feel like I’m being galvanized into action. I’m ready to pursue something. I’m ready for more than just lip-service and talking about how I want it. I’m ready for action and I’m finding the courage, motivation and energy needed for that action.

Hopefully there will be some good changes on the horizon. I’ve been having this recurring feeling – insight? that my self as I know it is going to be tremendously different soon. Like I’m in this transition, but that it’s not going to be protracted. In not too long I expect some major changes on an inner life. Who knows, maybe I’m headed to some deeper truth or understanding that’ll set me free. That sure would be nice!

I made it through my first day. There were a whole bunch of new hires that they sat down in a conference room and all day we got to fill out forms and listen about different benefits and learn about security and all sorts of other stuff. It was not fun. It also turned out to be pretty hard work staying awake through it all. I’m not used to getting up that early and didn’t get to bed very early last night so it was rough from that standpoint as well.

It was strange being back downtown. I wandered around the skyway for lunch and saw there are some new places, but for the most part it’s the same old place. I think I’ll like being downtown again. I didn’t get home until 5 pm and felt like I hadn’t gotten to do anything all day and the day was almost over already! It was really sad. My sense of time is going to take a while to readjust to being at work all day and only having a few hours of free time to utilize in the evening.

I really want a job that I’m excited about. Something where I wake up in the morning looking forward to what the day has in store for me. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way towards this line of work. I’ll probably be able to tolerate it for a while, but beyond that it doesn’t hold much appeal. I can’t imagine working a position for too long that’s merely something I can tolerate.

There’s got to be more to life (my life!) than that. I sure hope so anyway. Minneapolis will hopefully prove to be a good place to cultivate that something more. I’m starting a writing class tomorrow with a friend of mine. I hope that I like it and that it gets me to write something, anything. I’m all about taking writing classes, but when it comes to actually writing I tend to stall out. Who knows, maybe it’ll change my life. At least I hope it does. Something’s got to. I feel like I’ve been waiting for my life to change or be changed for ages now… And honestly it has changed. I’ve changed. But I’m still not there yet. I know that I’m holding myself back with all the fear I feel around recklessly pursuing that which I think is interesting. I hope to God to work through that fear and find myself living more courageously soon.

I went to a meeting yesterday I’d never been to before. It was held somewhere that must do an outpatient program of some kind. On the board was some brainstorming where patients must have been listing things they can do instead of drink or use – coping strategies for avoiding it. I couldn’t help but think about the time in my life I was coming up with those kinds of lists. The thing I remember about it is that I could intellectually wrap my head around all of this stuff and come up with things I can do that help to relieve stress or reduce cravings, but at the time it was all bullshit because I hadn’t decided I wanted to be sober and that I was going to be sober. It wasn’t until I decided I wanted to be sober that any of it meant anything. And once I made that decision everything became easier.  While sitting there at that meeting I couldn’t help but draw the connection between that and my higher power. Like I have devoted all of this time to strengthening my relationship with a higher power by meditating, occasionally praying, yoga, etc, but I still haven’t made that decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God (as I understand God). I just went through step 3 with my sponsor and feel like intellectually I understand this and can tell myself I’ve made this commitment, but in my heart it still hasn’t been done. It’s all still lip service. I’m not totally certain what to do about this. I want God in my life. I want to trust in God and believe that he’s got an amazing plan and not have to expend so much energy of my own trying to make things happen. I just don’t know how. I hope I can figure it out. I want that relationship, but I want it on a level I’ve never really had.

I know there’s something more out there for me. I just don’t know how to allow it to enter my life. God does. But how do I let God take control? Not that I believe I have any control, I don’t. I’m not a bus, I’m a tram.

I want to believe in God.

I guess that’s all for tonight. I feel better and like I’m coming to an understanding of sorts. It’s been a long time in the making. That’s for sure.

Gratitude List:

Wanting to turn my will and my life over to the care of God (as I understand him).

Belief that there really is something more out there for me.

Wanting something more rather than just accepting the doldrums of a boring, staid corporate existence.

I start my new job tomorrow. It’s going to be so strange to get up and go to work in the morning. I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting there on time, but it’s definitely going to be an adjustment getting up in the morning every day again. I set an alarm for 6:15, but don’t imagine I’ll get up right away without hitting the snooze button at least once. It’s been so long since I got up that early. I think I’m ready to have a pretty quick morning getting out of here – I’ll write MP, eat some hard boiled eggs I made tonight, take a shower and shave. The coffee pot is also all set up so I should have that going for me right away in the morning. It’s supposed to rain most of the day tomorrow which feels fitting. That also means I’ll need to take the bus to work. Even though I’m not super excited about this, it’s going to be a good thing. And in less than 8 hours I’ll technically be on the clock and making money again.

I don’t anticipate this job being too hard, but I also don’t anticipate liking it that much. It’ll be ok though. I couldn’t help but think after spending some time with my cousins this weekend how they’ve all entered their 30’s much more gracefully than I have. I’ve really dug my heels in and refused to be a part of a lot of things that adults just take for granted – like working jobs they don’t enjoy. I suppose that’s all coming to an end tomorrow. Although really, it probably won’t be that bad. And with any luck I won’t get that bored with this job. Or hopefully it’ll take a while to get to that point.

Gratitude List:

So close to having a job again

A great weekend seeing all my cousins and other relatives

Tired and ready to get some sleep before my first day back at work!

I don’t know how to explain where I am emotionally. I’ve had a strange day. I’ve been feeling quite a bit, crying and hopefully releasing things from the past. It’s been emotional being back in MN especially in regard to how much I’ve been confronted with mental illness since getting here. I can’t help but think I’m not done with it all. Like I’m meant to have some cathartic release in some way. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like what I went through I went through for a reason. And that even though I’m on the other side of it, I’m still not totally done with it. I don’t know if I should study it some how or if I’m merely meant to share my story in some way. Even though I don’t know what the next steps will be, I can tell that things aren’t settled and that my past is going to play a part in my future. I suppose it always does.

My mind has been going more lately on this God thing and trying to deepen my understanding of it. I’m not even sure if I believe in God. I might be coming to the belief that it’s all in our heads and what our mind highlights and makes meaningful, that which is often times attributed to God, is nothing more than our own subconscious playing a role in shaping our present moment and reality. Perhaps it’s just easier for it to exert a force on our conscious mind when we’re praying and meditating. I just can’t escape the belief that it’s all already in there, I’ve just jumped to a slightly different track and the messages are getting through clearer than they were before. I also realize this is probably something I’ll never come to a definitive conclusion on, but rather that my thoughts and feelings will continue to develop as time goes on. At least I hope so. I can think of nothing more boring than figuring it out. What would I have then? Nothing. And all that is nothing is beautiful.

I’m looking forward to the weekend. It’s my last weekend of freedom before starting the new job on Monday. I found myself writing morning pages with a stronger sense of hope this morning. Like maybe this job will be a good thing and I’ll be able to approach it differently and prove my worth and abilities easier without working myself into a corner I can’t get out of. At least I sure hope so. I’m kind of looking forward to starting on Monday, but I certainly can’t admit that to anyone. I tried on some of the clothes that I have in Minneapolis last night and I’m grateful for the excessive amount of biking I’ve been doing around the city. I look pretty good in my work clothes and I love the new pair of shoes I bought a few weeks ago. They’re great!

Everything changes all the time. I like change. I welcome change, but I also hope to cultivate an awareness that doesn’t rely on change for novelty. I’ve begun to realize more that there’s novelty in routine and the everyday. Recognizing that novelty is what keeps it interesting. Big changes are great and can be monumental as far as growth goes, but not having big changes and simply being in tune with the everyday and that which is novel in the everyday is equally important. As I ready myself to be more situated for a while I hope opportunities to recognize that novelty in my everyday life and situations present themselves. If nothing else, I hope to never be bored.

Gratitude List:

A nice meeting with my sponsor today

Getting to try out the new pens for a little while

Taking time to listen to spiritually minded things

I have had a busy day. I’ve found I’m back to that old game where I pack my schedule as full as humanly possible with stuff. Today I got up, biked to a yoga class at noon, biked about 20 miles around Minneapolis, came home and got ready to meet a friend, went out for coffee with her and then had a little bit of downtime before getting picked up for another yoga class this evening. I feel like I spent all day running around from one thing to the next. It’s nice because I’d so much rather be busy doing stuff, but there is a part of me that’s excited I’ll be going to my parents’ house for a few days this weekend and will be escaping this busy life I’ve constructed. It’s going to get even busier when I start this job in just a week. Oh God. The job!

I’ve enjoyed going to some yoga classes this past week. I like it. Yesterday I went to one and felt this real sense of calm and serenity when I left. It didn’t last too long, but it was a nice reprieve from what I usually feel. I think I should really plan to fit some yoga into my daily life now that I’m back. I’m not totally sure how that’s going to work, but I can make something happen. I should also be meditating, but that’s totally fallen away. I’d like to get back into it though. And I’m pretty sure I will.

I’m debating whether I should take a writing class that starts next week. I’d like to, but at the same time I feel like maybe I’d be better off not packing my schedule super tight so that I can ease back into working full time again. It’s going to be a major adjustment. On the one hand I’m really excited to have an income again. That’s going to be really nice, but it’s going to be so hard to show up to work everyday. I’m sure it won’t take long and I’ll be used to it again, but I also don’t really want to be used to it again. I need to figure out another way of supporting myself and something to occupy my time for the rest of my life. I still love art and thing that writing is something I would enjoy. I hope something along those lines falls into place. I’m willing to work towards them. I’m willing to try.

Gratitude List:

A beautiful morning and afternoon

Getting to see K after so many years

Enjoyable yoga classes

I’m going to meditate before bed. Even if I only sit for a few minutes I’m ok with that. It’s better than nothing.

Tomorrow I’m going to make another attempt to get up in the morning so that I don’t sleep as long. I seem to be oversleeping these days and it annoys me. I’d really like to get to the gym and use the 7 day pass I signed up for and attend a yoga class. With any luck I can make that happen. I drank much less caffeine today than I have been so it’ll be interesting to see if I sleep better. I think part of the reason I haven’t been sleeping well is the amount of caffeine I’ve been drinking during the day.

I’ve had a really busy week. It’s been great, but tiring, too. I’m not used to doing this much running around. It’s summer and it’s beautiful so biking around the city is always enjoyable. I just kind of wish I had more time to relax. I’ve started filling things to the brim with activities so that I won’t have to sit and be with myself, when in reality, I might be better off just sitting and being with myself.

Gratitude List:

Lifting weights with Chris today

My writing class, even though it wasn’t quite what I’d expected

A nice conversation on one of the apps with a super cute guy

Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf in regards to updating this more regularly. I think it would be good for me.

I had a kind of stupid day. I got picked up at 7 am which meant I had to get up really, really early. I couldn’t sleep last night so had gotten very little when I got up in the morning. Once I got here I took a nap, but didn’t really sleep for that long. I then spent hours just killing time, mostly on the apps with stupid guys and other things. I even invited a guy over, but once he got here he didn’t look much like his pictures. I mentioned this to him and he said we didn’t need to go through with anything… And then he scurried off. It was super awkward. I deleted one of the apps tonight which was a great idea. It’s not so much that my behavior is risky and terrible and I’m hooking up all the time when I’m using them, but rather that my mental health and sense of balance seem to steeply decline. I felt nearly crazed at times today while hoping to find someone to fool around with. I’m glad that I snapped out of it this evening for whatever reason. Things have actually been pretty relaxed and ok for the last few hours. Hopefully tomorrow will feel more like a return to something more normal.

I finally put all my pictures up on the wall. And I took out all of my stones and put them back on the desk. I was embarrassed last week when someone was coming over and took them all of the desk and threw them in the dresser. I like them much more on the desk. And the pictures look great on the wall. It’s neat to see them there. It makes this room feel more like my own – if only for a while. Plus I love being able to see the fruits of my creative output and it inspires me to create more soon. I wrote on a note card ‘stART’ on the wall. I hope it inspires me to get moving on creating. I can be drawing or writing. What I don’t want to be doing is wasting away my time in an unproductive manner.

I started reading a book last night that I really like, but somehow didn’t find any time to read it today. Hmm. Maybe I’ll find some time to take a look at it tomorrow. I think it could change my life. At least I’ve heard several really spiritual people mention that it spoke very loudly to them. Not that it means it will to me as well, but from what I read last night when I couldn’t sleep I got the impression I am going to really like it.

Ok, it’s time to go to bed. I’m tired. I’m excited to get a good night’s sleep tonight since last night was so terrible and then today I felt off because of how little I slept. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s going to be a really great one. I can feel it already!

Where hope exists, where there was no hope before, is a miracle.

Gratitude List:

Getting my pretties out again and on my desk!

Putting my pictures up on the wall where I can admire them

Finally deleting that terrible, terrible app. I can’t believe it lasted a week or however long I’ve been using it.