I’m so over this place.

I’ve had a very difficult day. I felt off for most of it. I didn’t really do much of anything all day. I drank some chai tea that I think had quite a bit of caffeine in it earlier and that spiked my anxiety which wasn’t a lot of fun. I did manage to find a meeting tonight which wasn’t the greatest. Most of it was in Hindi, but I am really grateful I managed to make it to a meeting. It’s been a while since I was at one.

I tried booking a room in a nice hotel near the airport that I could move to tomorrow. Unfortunately, the website I was trying to use was having problems processing credit cards and I couldn’t get the charge to go through. I tried twice with each card and all 4 times the charge was declined, but now I have all of these pending charges on my card. I think I’ll try one more time in the morning and if that doesn’t work I’ll stay at the other place I’ve been looking at. I might wake up and decide to stay at the other place anyway. I like this big hotel near the airport because it’s got a pool and a gym, a bunch of restaurants and the rooms look really nice. I imagine I could just hang out there and relax for a couple days before leaving. The other place would probably be better, though, because it’s in the city and near some attractions. If I go to the airport hotel I’ll be a long metro ride from anything in the city. I’m going to sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow. I’ll either try booking the airport place again in the morning or I’ll go with the other place that was recommended to me. I hope that I wake up with a clear idea of which one would be better.

I’m glad I get to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a much better day than today was. I can tell already. I’m going to eat delicious food and move into a hotel room that’s more comfortable. Maybe I’ll even get to take a hot shower. I haven’t had one of those in a couple days. Yay!

Gratitude List:
Making it to a meeting
One more day down before my flight back
Finally making a decision about moving hotels

I moved rooms this morning. I wasn’t expecting to, but when I went down to the front desk to ask if I could stay another night they said I could stay but I’d need to move rooms. The whole reason I wanted to stay was so that I wouldn’t need to pack all my shit up and move rooms so when they told me that I decided I’d just leave. I’m really glad I did, too. I’m at another place I looked at when I first got to Delhi. It’s only 200 rupees more a night, but it’s much nicer. I’ve spent a lot of time relaxing in this room today and I feel like I could do that again tomorrow. In fact, I probably will. I’m planning to stay again tomorrow night and might just extend my stay until I leave. I also saw a hotel out near the airport that isn’t too much. I may decide to leave and check in there for my final few days in Delhi.

I walked to CP tonight. I ate dinner at a restaurant and went to a big emporium selling a lot of different handicrafts. I think it’s a bit overpriced. Everything seemed to be of pretty good quality, but a lot of it was really expensive. I was going to buy some incense. When I went to pay for them the guy said I had to go wait in some line first and get a receipt and then come back to him and pay for them or show him the receipt and then go pay someone else. I was really confused and it sounded like such a big hassle for this small thing of incense that I just set it down and left. I’ve gotten quite impatient. If I sit down at a restaurant and don’t get service quite quickly I always have the urge to just leave, even though I know it’ll take way more time to find somewhere else and get served there. It’s the principal of it, though.

I’m still really excited to go back to the States. I only have a few more days and I’ll be gone. Yay!

Gratitude List:
Getting one day closer to going home
Skyping with Laura tonight. It’s been a while since we spoke
A comfortable bed and not having to move hotels tomorrow

I’m really tired right now. It’s nice because I have a feeling I’ll sleep well. I slept for quite a while on the train, but I definitely didn’t sleep well. Like most of the other train rides, I didn’t have a problem falling asleep or sleeping through the nights, but it was a lot of tossing and turning and waking up throughout the night.

The train got in the this morning. I went to the tourist bureau at the station and canceled my tickets to Haridwar. That was definitely a good call. I then rented a room for just one night thinking I’d stay somewhere less expensive while I decide what to do. The room isn’t terrible, but it’s definitely not somewhere I’d want to stay for more than a night or two. There’s no window! It’s a decent size, thought, and even though it’s a little shabby it’ll work for a short period. I have to either leave to go somewhere else tomorrow, or else I’m staying in Delhi. I don’t feel like spending the money on a flight (or the hassle of flying somewhere) and I don’t feel up for spending two of the next four nights on trains. If I went back to Udaipur it would take two twelve hour train rides in the next four days to get there and back. A bus to Shimla would take at least ten hours at night and I’m certain it wouldn’t be much fun. I don’t feel like staying in Delhi, but I don’t have the energy for going somewhere else right now. I think what I’ll do is stay in this place one more night and then treat myself to something a little nicer for the final couple nights. I like that idea.

I met this totally crazy person at the train station today. Well, she wasn’t totally crazy. She’s just living her life in a way that most people would never consider doing. And, she’s doing it without apology or regrets which I really respect. She’s Australian and she sat next to me in the foreign tourist’s office and told me all about her plans to go to Pakistan to meet her potential future husband. It’s apparently some Pakistani guy who followed her around the airport in Malaysia when she was there a while ago. It was a very strange story and one that I didn’t totally follow because of her accent. It was interesting, though. And I wish her the best of luck on the next part of her journey. I hope things between her and the guy work out well for everyone involved.

I got dinner with Ramesh tonight and we saw a movie. It was nice to see him. I’ll maybe go to a movie tomorrow night as well. It takes forever to get there on the train. My feet are also killing me. I have so many blisters that just hurt like hell. I hate my feet right now. I think tomorrow I’m going to throw caution to the wind and wear sandals. Hmm. I have so many cuts and sores on my feet I like to keep them covered up when I go outside, but shoes hurt them a lot so it’s nice to wear sandals every so often. I left the sandals I bought in Krabi somewhere in favor of a pair of crappy leather ones I bought in Udaipur. They aren’t as comfortable as the ones I bought in Krabi, but those ones didn’t have much life in them and I didn’t feel like carrying both around. Wow, what a pointless story. I’ve certainly gotten good at not saying very much. It’s like my new specialty, apparently.

Gratitude List:
A real milkshake and yummy chocolate cake at dinner
Getting to watch a good movie
Checking off the final tourist thing I wanted to see in Delhi from the list

I’m tired from walking around in the hot sun all day. I booked a boat for tomorrow morning for a sunrise river trip. It should be good. It’s one of those things that all the tourists do when they come to Varanasi. I am looking forward to it, but I’m supposed to be at the place by 5:20 am. I figure I’ll get up, go and then come back to my room and sleep some more. Check out of the hotel is at noon which will give me some time to relax and nap. I think my train to Delhi leaves around 7 pm. I hope to get to the station early to try and cancel the tickets to Haridwar I have. I suppose I could still go, but I just don’t have the motivation or interest anymore.

I’m still not sure what I’ll do after getting to Delhi. I’ve been looking at hotels and trying to decide. It really shouldn’t be this hard. The problem is, I don’t really feel like spending a lot on a hotel room for 6 nights in Delhi. I keep looking at more expensive hotels hoping something will pop up or that I’ll find a great deal on something. The one my friend recommended would cost $450 for 6 days. I don’t want to spend that much, even if it’s great. The cheaper options are all located in an area I really don’t want to stay in. It’s filled with backpackers, touts and gross hotel rooms. I’d love to have a room where I can hang out and not have to leave that much. I guess I’ll think about it and hope that something pops up. I could also see if I can get a train to Udaipur and stay there again. I liked it there and the place where I stayed was nice and a great value for the money. I could hang out there for a few days easily. Something will pop up. I’m glad I’m going back to Delhi tomorrow and one step closer to home.

I’m also feeling sick. I have a runny nose and have been sneezing. I had a sore throat earlier, but after taking some pain relievers that’s gone now. I don’t want to be sick. I hope to feel better tomorrow. I suppose this is probably better than food poisoning which I’ve somehow managed to avoid. I’ve eaten some sketchy things here and in Nepal.

Gratitude List:
A much nicer day than I expected to have
What could be my final train ride tomorrow!
Getting back my clean laundry

I’m so done with this place. I don’t want to be in India anymore. I’m exhausted, I don’t feel well and I certainly don’t want to mess with traveling around this country anymore.

I have options. It’s good to remind myself of that. I’ve pretty much decided I’m going to totally scrap the Rishikesh plan. I will stay in Varanasi like planned, but then go to Delhi and not continue on to Rishikesh. I could rent a hotel room in Delhi and hole up in it for a while. Or, I could take the train back and then see if I can get the train to Udaipur and hang out there. I’d really just like to be somewhere that’s relaxed and not a difficult place to travel. I’m also going to see what it would cost to change my flight and fly back early. I don’t think I’ll decide to do that, but it’s an option worth exploring. I don’t want to travel around this country anymore. That much I know for sure.

I’m hoping that tomorrow I wake up with a better view on everything. I can still make the most of my time here. I don’t feel like going out or being in the city at all anymore, but there are some places I should see in Varanasi before leaving. I booked a morning sunrise boat for Friday morning. That should be pretty neat.

Gratitude List:
Having a room with air-conditioning
Getting one step closer to leaving this place
Knowing when it’s time to just throw in the towel

I’m on a train. I just got my bed set up. The train should leave in about 10 minutes. It’s a long train ride, but in the morning we’ll reach Varanasi. I’m excited to see Varanasi. I’m also excited because it’ll be one step closer to home (and out of India).

I had a more relaxed day than I’ve been having in the past week. Khajuraho had many people who immediately accosted me after leaving the hotel, but it wasn’t as bad as Jaipur or Agra. In fact, it almost felt relaxing.

I locked my key in my room today. It was stupid and totally my fault. I grabbed a key on the way out of the room, but it unfortunately was the key for the bike I’d just been given. I let the front desk person know and he said he’d get the master key. The master key turned out to be a big plastic bucket filled with keys of every shape and size. After trying each of the keys he still didn’t have the door open. He then said he’d have to call a locksmith and I would need to pay for it. I asked him how much and he said 300. I told him that seemed like too much, but he stuck to that price. A couple minutes later the locksmith was there. He didn’t do anything to unlock the door, but rather popped off the pain in the window and opened the door that way. I went into the room and grabbed the 300 and went out to give it to the locksmith. The front desk worker told me not to and that I should pay at the front desk. I was under the impression I was paying for the locksmith, not making money for the hotel. I gave the locksmith the money. When they were all leaving I followed them down the stairs at a distance and heard the front desk guy yelling at the locksmith in Hindi. I kept a little distance and watched. I walked outside just as the locksmith was reaching in his pocket and handing the front desk guy 100 rupees. I then started bitching. He handed me the 100 rupees and said he was trying to get some of the money back for me. It was such bullshit. After that I decided not to eat lunch or dinner at the hotel. I’m grateful that was the only time today I had to get really mad at someone. The rest of the day was spent avoiding the people on the streets that tried to get something out of me. I rented a bike and biked around the city and to the other temples. None of it was really that interesting.

Varanasi and then I’m in step closer to home. Yay! I’m so ready to get out of India. I don’t absolutely hate this place, but it’s not really my idea of a fun time traveling. It’s a shame, too. There are so many beautiful things to see in this country.

Gratitude List:
A few new friends
Getting one step closer to home
A nice restaurant to spend some time in

I just sat down to meditate and realized I forgot to post. I only meditated for 20 minutes. My practice has not been great lately, although I’ve kept up with morning pages for over a year and still practice Reiki daily, although my practice isn’t as strong as it once was.

I’m in Khajuraho. The train was late getting in, but I got here around 8 am and was able to get a room right away. I met some nice girls from London and spent some time chatting with them. After, I went to the group of temples that is closest to where I’m staying. They’re very beautiful. I stayed at the temples for quite a while and then came back to my hotel room and took nearly a 4 hour nap. I was surprised I slept that long, but probably needed it. I have been getting up super early lately and although I slept relatively well on the train here, it wasn’t like getting a full, refreshing nights sleep. Tomorrow I plan to rent a bike and see the temples that are further away. I wouldn’t mind have another really relaxing day in preparation for Varanasi which I imagine will be a zoo. I got a hotel booked at a reasonable price that got decent reviews. I’m excited to bike around tomorrow and maybe spend some time reading as well. I signed up for a course on coursera that I can watch some of the videos for. I don’t have a great track record when it comes to completing them, but I watched a couple of the videos earlier and think I’ll really like this course. It’s on writing and science fiction. Ok, I’m off to bed. Tomorrow I will be sleeping in. I set an alarm for 8:30. I can’t imagine not having woken up by then.

Gratitude List:
Finding a little serenity in India
A much more relaxing day
An inexpensive massage

I don’t like the person I was today. I don’t like the way I felt today. I don’t like the way I treated people today. I didn’t like me today.

This has been building. It also seems to have broken. I have a clarity now I didn’t have yesterday or earlier today. For that I’m grateful.

I got to see the Taj Mahal this morning. It’s immensely beautiful in a way that pictures and words can’t describe. I spent quite a while wandering around the grounds and staring at the building. I then sat and stared at the building longer. It’s mesmerizing.

After the Taj Mahal, I tried to do some shopping for little trinket things. I wasn’t planning on it, but as soon as I walked out the gate these people were on me like hawks. I went into a couple stores and they were selling what is basically my kryptonite – little white marble boxes with stones inlaid in them. I bargained and walked away at quite a few shops this morning to find what price I could get them for. There are a lot of stores that are selling nearly the same thing, but it gets confusing because they are all of different quality. I found two that I really liked and walked away. They started at some crazy price – like 3500 rupees each. Of course I wouldn’t pay that. I bargained a little and then walked away. I heard the guy go down as far as 1500 for two of them. I should have just gone back, but I didn’t really want to spend that much on them. I was then grabbed by someone who offered me two for 1000. I bought them, although they weren’t as nice as the two for 1500 I’d been looking at. After, I came back to my hotel so that I could take a nap and shower before checking out for the day.

After checking out I decided to walk around – not a lot of fun considering it’s super hot and dusty here. I went to a restaurant near where I bought my Taj Mahal ticket. I’ve had these resentments growing inside me since I got to Jaipur a few days ago. I hate it when people take advantage of me. I absolutely hate it. As a result, I’ve been trying to be super aggressive when I bargain for things and I walk away a lot. The waiter at lunch overcharged me for the water and I called him out on it. It was only 25 rupees too much and it could have been an honest mistake. I wasn’t mean about it, but I was insistent that he change the bill. After, an autorickshaw driver accosted me and I agreed to have him take me around to some sights. I couldn’t bear the idea of just walking around all day and it was still just the early afternoon at that time. At one of the places he said I had to pay for parking which I’m ok with. He then said it was 50 rupees for parking. I knew this was too much so I told him he had to get a receipt. On the way out, I stopped and asked the person selling tickets who told me parking was only 20 rupees. I then got into an angry argument with the driver and told him I’d only pay 20 for the parking. The thing is, I was mad for most of the day. Mad at India and that everyone tries to rip me off in some way. I don’t like to be mad. I want to enjoy the day and not have to travel like this. I could pretty easily just pay the extra amounts everywhere I go. It’s really not much money at all, but it’s the principle of it.

Now, I feel like a veil has been lifted. I’m embarrassed by the way I acted. I’m also concerned that India is putting me under more stress than I’d like. I feel like it’s possible I’m cracking up. I even thought about trying to change my flight so I can leave earlier or I could also head back to Delhi and just be a bum there for a while. If I just use the subway and don’t engage many people it would probably not be a terrible place. I could go to movies all day until my flight. I could also just find somewhere nice to hang out. I don’t know. I hope that tomorrow is better and I really think that it will be. The town where I’m going is smaller so hopefully there won’t be people absolutely everywhere wanting me to purchase something or use their services. I reached a breaking point today, but tomorrow is a new day and I can try to approach it with a different attitude. Hopefully I can keep my sense of humor about me.

I’m leaving soon for the train station. My train isn’t for another hour and a half. I feel ready to sleep so hopefully I’ll manage to fall asleep easily and quickly once I get on the train. I think it gets in on to Khajuraho around 6:30 am. With any luck the guesthouse will have a room they can give me in the morning when I get there. Otherwise I’ll grab some breakfast and go out sightseeing until my room is available. I also read they offer massage and have yoga classes if you request them. I’m going to check out the prices of both and if they’re reasonable I’ll take advantage. I think a massage would be a great way to de-stress from this situation for a while. I also don’t imagine there will be that much to do in this town so maybe the day after tomorrow can be spent just sitting around, eating and reading books while I wait for my train to Varanasi. I don’t think Varanasi is going to be an easy place to be.

Gratitude List:
Coming to my senses
Trinkets! Trinkets! Trinkets!
The majestic beauty of the Taj Mahal

Less than two weeks left in India. These last couple of days have been difficult. I’ve done a pretty good job staying positive and trying to maintain a sense of humor about it all, but it’s been tough. The place I checked into today is a really crappy and not, in my opinion, worth anything close to what I’m paying for it. But, then tonight I went and ate dinner at the rooftop restaurant next to my hotel and got to stare at the Taj Mahal while the sun was setting. It was beautiful and so unreal to be staring at the Taj Mahal. It made the difficulty and trouble of traveling in India worth it. Tomorrow I’m going to get up super early and visit it. I have to be checked out of here by noon. I hope to leave here by 6:15 am or so. Yay!

God. Not God. I don’t believe in God in the way so many people do. I definitely don’t believe in the God that religion tries to get people to believe in. I’m not sure what I believe, but I’d like to increase my understanding. I feel like my spiritual practice has grown stagnant. It also feels like my spiritual growth has stagnated. I think there’ll be a jump when I’m back in the US. It’s a big change and likely to produce some movement on the spirituality front. It’ll definitely be interesting to see how well I’m able to let God do for me what I cannot do for myself.

Ok, time for bed. I’m exhausted from getting up so early today. I’m also getting up so early tomorrow I really need to go to bed.

Gratitude List:
Laying eyes on one of the most beautiful buildings in the world
Less than 2 weeks left before I fly back to the states
Getting much more aggressive with the pushy touts and guides in India

I’m glad I’m leaving Jaipur tomorrow. There are some beautiful things about it, but overall this place is kind of a shothole. It’s also much more oriented towards tourism. And, by that I mean fucking over foreign tourists at every turn. I feel like I’m managing to keep my wits about me so far, but I don’t anticipate that will last all trip. I imagine by the end I’ll be acting like a total dick to lots of these unscrupulous Indians.

I rented a rickshaw again today to take me around. I thought about just walking and/or not hiring one for the day and just coordinating them as I went, but the guy from yesterday was outside. He of course wanted more money than yesterday making up a lie about how things were further away than last time. I knew they weren’t because I had looked beforehand. I hired him, but then he said his uncle was coming and I’d go with him. I just started to walk away at that point and wish I would have not acquiesced and later gone with his uncle (who I’m sure wasn’t actually his uncle). He said 600 was fine and I thought he’d take me to where I wanted to go. We went to a couple places. One of them I didn’t even want to really go to. It ended up being a little scammy, but only 200 rupees. There were also monkeys that I got to feed so that was cool. Anyway, afterwards I asked him to take me somewhere else and he said no. I told him I thought I’d paid him for the day. Since it was only half past one at that time I told him he could take me back to my hotel and I’d pay him half the day’s rate – 300 rupees. He wasn’t pleased with this idea at all. I finally told him I’d give him 400 instead of 600 and that was it. He brought me back to the hotel. I got change and gave him 400 rupees. He took the money and didn’t say anything else. It wasn’t a terrible experience, but I have a feeling I’m going to be really sick of traveling in India before I leave. It would be nice to have someone else around to help out in situations like that. Another person would create some distance and a buffer from it all.

I bought two blankets or bed covers tonight. I really wish I’d only bought one. I like them, but they take up more space in my backpack than I realized they would. Oh well. I can give them as gifts or just keep them for myself. They don’t seem to be the greatest quality, but I got a decent price on them so I’m happy. I always employ the “I’m just not that interested in these” and walk away without ever naming a price. That way I can watch the price drop as I’m leaving. I like that tactic. These started at 1500 and I ended up paying 1500 for two of them. I’m happy with that. I worry they’ll fall apart basically right away, but whatever. I’ll go look at that shop in Delhi that Ramesh showed me and see what they have. I imagine the stuff they sell in there is decent quality. At least it all looked pretty nice when we were there.

Ok, I have a stupid early train in the morning. I’m going to try to leave here at 6 am which means I should get up by 5:30. It’s a 3 hour train ride to Agra and I’ll most likely sleep on the way there. I’m excited to see the Taj Mahal. I can’t believe that’s actually happening tomorrow. Yay!

Gratitude List:
Delicious butter chicken
Getting ripped off, but standing my ground
Morning pages and my dedication to them