I am here. Now. In Minneapolis. I am working. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. Everything is whizzing around me at lightning speed and yet I’m able to remain calm and a little detached, disconnected from it. I still don’t know what the future holds or where I’ll ultimately land. I’ve been so intensely focused on that these last few years and just spinning my wheels. I’m definitely closer and I’ve gained a clarity I didn’t have before. I have built some structure around the writing here which I really wasn’t able to do while gone, but I’m still reluctant to pursue that with all my heart. Although I seem to keep coming back to that desire to express myself, to make my experience here heard by other people, understood. Maybe it’s because I understand it so little and I feel the need to try to put words around it for myself. Whatever the reason, the desire is definitely there.

I’m so baffled, often, by how this world and our society is structured. I can’t even put words around it at this point, but it doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s totally senseless. I think that someday I will be able to put words around it. I sure hope so.

I know I need to write, but I also feel like I must do something with the injustice I have suffered. I have a hard time labeling myself a victim, but in many ways I was. I don’t want to continue being one, but I still don’t seem to be able to stand up for myself or anyone else.

How can sense be made from the senseless? How can meaning and purpose be found in tremendous loss? How can I live in this world and allow the injustice to continue without working to stop it or at least make my voice be heard? Will I ever find my voice? Does my voice have credit, weight? Was the experience I had one in a million, or is it much more common than we suspect? Will the healing I desire and need ever fully materialize? Can I sit with this pain and not be overwhelmed, swallowed up in its swelling tidal wave? Will I ever make it from lost to found? When will I have more than just questions? Will the answers ever arrive?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I’ve been and I know where I don’t want to return, but whether I’ll ever find that fulfillment I need I do not know.

I try to trust, to believe that there was a reason for all of this and that there continues to be a reason for everything ahead. Those reasons my be unclear right now, but someday I might have a better understanding.

I’m tired and need to take a nap. I had to get up really early today to train on a new process. My goal is to make it to Zen tonight and then a yoga class. I’ve been doing lots and lots of yoga classes lately. I like yoga. I think it’s the reason I feel so calm in the midst of this storm.

Gratitude List:

Spiritual practice – yoga, Reiki, meditation, journaling

Getting to leave work early today

Being busy at work for a change