I need someone to talk to. I’m feeling a lot of different things right now. I don’t know who I would call at this hour so I’ll have this out here, now.

I like Mpls. It’s nice to be here. I enjoy seeing family and friends. I like having an income. Yet, it’s so clear this is not the life I want right now. That’s hard. It’s unclear if I want to leave because running away is what I do (and do well) or if it’s because my heart is simply not in it. I know I can do it for a while, but that’s what this feels like. Doing it for a while.

I know I’m back here for a reason. I also don’t think I’ll be here for an extended period of time. I have a lot of resources here I can use to get myself on the firmest ground going forward. I’ve also developed a lot of connections in the short time I’ve been here – especially in regards to the writing. Our new writer’s group met this afternoon. I really like that group of people and it was fun to be around them outside of class. I also think it’ll be a great tool for keeping me focused and producing actual work on a regular basis. We talked about contests today and everyone is going to try to write something to submit for one that ends in September. I really think this is going to be a very positive group of people for me to be around for a while. That’s a major bright spot.

I struggle so much with having to be in a cubicle and do things throughout the week that I don’t enjoy. And the thing is, I’ve fought and fought hard to get my life back, but for some reason I still have a hard time allowing myself to get past the fear and pursue those things (like writing and art) that I’m most interested in pursuing. I don’t want to be afraid of doing that forever. I’d also really like to find a job I can tolerate more. If I had to guess, I’d say that any type of employment for me is going to be something I merely try to tolerate. What I need to do is start figuring out how to make money and be my own boss doing something that I both enjoy and love.

And then there are the men. I’m trying to meet some on this dating website. I’ve had several dates with one guy in the past week. He’s sweet, kind and I’m very comfortable around him, but it’s simply lacking the chemistry I want in a relationship. I do want a man in my life. Preferably the same one. But then there’s a part of me that just wants to have sex with random guys (like I did earlier tonight). I don’t think that part of me will go away, but it’s hard having these conflicting desires. I also don’t really like hooking up with random guys. A part of me does find it exciting, but another part of me, I like to think a larger part, is simply over it.

I hate how I feel about my body. I’m not comfortable with it and have spent the last week wondering if I’ve gained weight (which I most likely have). I want to feel comfortable in my body and happy with how I look.

I think I’m done. I’m off to bed. What a strange day. I’m glad it’s over, but so sad that tomorrow is Sunday and I have to be back at work on Monday. Ugh.

Gratitude List:

The guy who I met tonight

The writing group!

Wanting to change