I don’t know where my life is going. At times I’m ok with this, but at other times I feel like I should have a concrete plan or path in front of me. Instead, all I seem to have are things that I enjoy doing and wouldn’t mind pursuing. It’s time I look more closely at those things and come up with something tangible. I love art, writing and spirituality. I would love to blend the 3 of those things. Or focus on one for a while and then move on to the next. I have a lot of talent. I don’t always recognize that and I also realize that I would still have to work very, very hard to make a career in art or writing come to fruition. I like to think it wouldn’t feel like work doing something I love, but obviously there would be some major stressers involved in that. Near term goal: come up with a plan. Even if that plan is simply apply to writing schools, psychology programs and art programs. I need options. I won’t get options not doing anything. It’s time to immerse myself in something and go for it. It’s time to quit being so damn afraid of my life and living it. It’s time to soar.

I met a guy and I like him quite a bit. I’m trying not to let myself get carried away with it, but I have a feeling the floodgates are going to open pretty soon. Maybe not. So far it’s felt like we’ve both managed to play it cool and keep things under control. We hung out more or less all weekend last weekend. It was nice. I’m pretty sure I like him and not just the idea of him. We are going to see each other tomorrow and then again this coming weekend. We have also been texting each other a lot throughout the day. I’ve enjoyed it a lot.

I’ve not been getting to the gym or biking around nearly as much as I was. This week I’ve felt like I’ve gotten to be the size of a beluga whale. I don’t dwell on it or anything, but it’s there in the back of my mind. Next week I’m going to make a real effort to get to the gym. I could even use the elliptical machine excessively for a few weeks until I lose the weight I’ve decided I must have gained. It’s really mostly psychological, but the feeling is very real. Like very, very real. And I very much don’t like its realness. Ugh. I don’t know how much the prospect of having sex with a guy I like is playing into this feeling, but one of the things I like about him is that he’s not in perfect shape. He likes working out and is trying to get into better shape, but I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone who has a perfect body. Plus he’s really cute without it. I am nervous about the sex though. Like are we going to do that this weekend? I’m horny like always, but I worry that he’ll judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I have not been sleeping well. I’ve been going to bed early enough to get 7 hours of sleep most nights, but I find myself waking up frequently and tossing and turning. I’d really like to be able to sleep throughout the night. I have an all day training tomorrow that might be pretty hellish. I’m hoping for the best.

Gratitude List:

J

Seeing my mother tonight

Having a shitload of food again

I