I don’t know what I want. Maybe I want to tear my life to the ground. To burn it all down and to make it hurt.

I’ve been meeting with a new therapist and talking about things that make me sad. I’m not sure this is good for me. We are doing some EMDR stuff, but I’m not sure mucking around in all this is a good idea. I also don’t think not doing it is a good idea. I’ve had a lot coming up since being back in Mpls and I don’t want to continue running.

Does a heart that wants to be healed find healing? Is that something this world provides?

Gratitude List:

Things to think about

A nice bike ride today

Sadness

I need someone to talk to. I’m feeling a lot of different things right now. I don’t know who I would call at this hour so I’ll have this out here, now.

I like Mpls. It’s nice to be here. I enjoy seeing family and friends. I like having an income. Yet, it’s so clear this is not the life I want right now. That’s hard. It’s unclear if I want to leave because running away is what I do (and do well) or if it’s because my heart is simply not in it. I know I can do it for a while, but that’s what this feels like. Doing it for a while.

I know I’m back here for a reason. I also don’t think I’ll be here for an extended period of time. I have a lot of resources here I can use to get myself on the firmest ground going forward. I’ve also developed a lot of connections in the short time I’ve been here – especially in regards to the writing. Our new writer’s group met this afternoon. I really like that group of people and it was fun to be around them outside of class. I also think it’ll be a great tool for keeping me focused and producing actual work on a regular basis. We talked about contests today and everyone is going to try to write something to submit for one that ends in September. I really think this is going to be a very positive group of people for me to be around for a while. That’s a major bright spot.

I struggle so much with having to be in a cubicle and do things throughout the week that I don’t enjoy. And the thing is, I’ve fought and fought hard to get my life back, but for some reason I still have a hard time allowing myself to get past the fear and pursue those things (like writing and art) that I’m most interested in pursuing. I don’t want to be afraid of doing that forever. I’d also really like to find a job I can tolerate more. If I had to guess, I’d say that any type of employment for me is going to be something I merely try to tolerate. What I need to do is start figuring out how to make money and be my own boss doing something that I both enjoy and love.

And then there are the men. I’m trying to meet some on this dating website. I’ve had several dates with one guy in the past week. He’s sweet, kind and I’m very comfortable around him, but it’s simply lacking the chemistry I want in a relationship. I do want a man in my life. Preferably the same one. But then there’s a part of me that just wants to have sex with random guys (like I did earlier tonight). I don’t think that part of me will go away, but it’s hard having these conflicting desires. I also don’t really like hooking up with random guys. A part of me does find it exciting, but another part of me, I like to think a larger part, is simply over it.

I hate how I feel about my body. I’m not comfortable with it and have spent the last week wondering if I’ve gained weight (which I most likely have). I want to feel comfortable in my body and happy with how I look.

I think I’m done. I’m off to bed. What a strange day. I’m glad it’s over, but so sad that tomorrow is Sunday and I have to be back at work on Monday. Ugh.

Gratitude List:

The guy who I met tonight

The writing group!

Wanting to change

I don’t know where my life is going. At times I’m ok with this, but at other times I feel like I should have a concrete plan or path in front of me. Instead, all I seem to have are things that I enjoy doing and wouldn’t mind pursuing. It’s time I look more closely at those things and come up with something tangible. I love art, writing and spirituality. I would love to blend the 3 of those things. Or focus on one for a while and then move on to the next. I have a lot of talent. I don’t always recognize that and I also realize that I would still have to work very, very hard to make a career in art or writing come to fruition. I like to think it wouldn’t feel like work doing something I love, but obviously there would be some major stressers involved in that. Near term goal: come up with a plan. Even if that plan is simply apply to writing schools, psychology programs and art programs. I need options. I won’t get options not doing anything. It’s time to immerse myself in something and go for it. It’s time to quit being so damn afraid of my life and living it. It’s time to soar.

I met a guy and I like him quite a bit. I’m trying not to let myself get carried away with it, but I have a feeling the floodgates are going to open pretty soon. Maybe not. So far it’s felt like we’ve both managed to play it cool and keep things under control. We hung out more or less all weekend last weekend. It was nice. I’m pretty sure I like him and not just the idea of him. We are going to see each other tomorrow and then again this coming weekend. We have also been texting each other a lot throughout the day. I’ve enjoyed it a lot.

I’ve not been getting to the gym or biking around nearly as much as I was. This week I’ve felt like I’ve gotten to be the size of a beluga whale. I don’t dwell on it or anything, but it’s there in the back of my mind. Next week I’m going to make a real effort to get to the gym. I could even use the elliptical machine excessively for a few weeks until I lose the weight I’ve decided I must have gained. It’s really mostly psychological, but the feeling is very real. Like very, very real. And I very much don’t like its realness. Ugh. I don’t know how much the prospect of having sex with a guy I like is playing into this feeling, but one of the things I like about him is that he’s not in perfect shape. He likes working out and is trying to get into better shape, but I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone who has a perfect body. Plus he’s really cute without it. I am nervous about the sex though. Like are we going to do that this weekend? I’m horny like always, but I worry that he’ll judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I have not been sleeping well. I’ve been going to bed early enough to get 7 hours of sleep most nights, but I find myself waking up frequently and tossing and turning. I’d really like to be able to sleep throughout the night. I have an all day training tomorrow that might be pretty hellish. I’m hoping for the best.

Gratitude List:

J

Seeing my mother tonight

Having a shitload of food again

I

I have my last writing class tomorrow night. I’m bummed the class is ending, but I’m also excited to move on from memoir. It’s been taxing trying to figure out how to write about this deeply personal stuff. I think it’s been good and I imagine I’ll be back at it sooner or later, but I’d really like to be able to write some things that aren’t about me and my experience. I still want to take the short story class that is offered this fall. It doesn’t start for a month so I’ll have some time off in between classes which will also be nice.

I applied for the job in NJ. I was led to believe it’s more or less a done deal, but I found out when I talked to DE it’s really not. I’m glad I’m not just going to be handing this job. Partly because it takes the decision about whether I’m going back to NJ out of my hands. I like being in Minneapolis and still love that I have this apartment that’s all mine. I don’t think I will ultimately stay here for the rest of my life, but for now it’s a great place to be.

I met L and C to write tonight. It took us longer than we anticipated to get settled because the first place we went was too full so we moved to a different coffee shop. I really didn’t get much written at all, but we only ended up being there for around an hour. I’m supposed to show up at class tomorrow with something to read. I’m not sure I’ll have anything since I didn’t get to it tonight.  I’ve been staring at my computer trying to write something for the past 30 minutes. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. It’s possible I can get something written tomorrow at work. I do really want to go to bed right now.

I went to the gym quickly after work and did squats. I haven’t done squats in ages. My knees felt fine while I was doing them. Afterwards I biked around the lakes for an hour. There were hot shirtless runners everywhere. I stared. Some of them even stared back. Once I had been home for a little while after the bike ride my right knee started to hurt a lot. I think I twisted it a little after getting home. I biked to the coffee shop very slowly because it hurts when I just bend it. Normally it would only hurt when bent with weight on it. I hope it feels better tomorrow. I still plan to bike to work, but I have no intention of going to the gym afterwards.

I started using an online dating website on Friday. I had opened an account, but didn’t upload pictures until Friday. It’s been interesting. There are lots of guys looking for dates. I have been using the quick match thing and seem to be matching with a lot of guys. It’s a little overwhelming. I can only have so many conversations going on at once before it’s just too much. I’m going to stop using the quick match until I work through some of the conversations I’m currently having. I have a limited amount of time to go on dates and don’t want to be chatting with like 10 different guys. There are some really attractive ones though. And guys who seem pretty nice. I did block a guy already because I messaged him and then saw he had logged in, read the message but not messaged me back. I sent the message on Saturday and then decided I’d give it some time before blocking or hiding him. On Sunday I did it and right afterwards saw he had just visited my profile again. In all likelihood he didn’t have time to message me back on Saturday. I really need to chill out about stuff like that. I then tried to figure out how to unblock him which apparently can’t be done. At least I wasn’t able to figure out how. Since I couldn’t unblock him I decided to hide him too and just be done with it. I’ll be more careful in the future. There will certainly be guys not interested in me, but I also have to keep in mind there are a lot of guys who are. Like a lot of them. It’s tough being somewhat pretty when you think you’re the most repulsive guy at the party. Ugh, it’s time to let that go. Or at least some of it.

Ok, I think that covers just about everything lately. Except that I’ve been thinking so much more about going back to school. I think I should pursue some kind of program that will enable me to work in the mental health field. I have a feeling that’s coming to a resolution. I should maybe become a psychiatrist, but it would be so much schooling and training. It’s been on my mind lately though. We’ll see where I go with that line of thought. I imagine it’ll pass. Or not.

Gratitude List:

Drinking way less coffee today than I did yesterday.

Doing squats at the gym even though my knee hurts a lot now.

Finally making it to the noon yoga class.