I’ve had a very nice, relaxing weekend. I saw Jim yesterday. We started talking about dating and why I’m incapable of doing that. He was probing a lot more than usual. It was uncomfortable. We the started talking about the past and my mental illness. I became overcome with emotion and had a really hard time expressing myself. I was just feeling so much at that moment. I did manage to tell him that “there is so much pain. And I can’t even touch it.”

I feel like this is a pretty true statement. I find myself connecting with this very deep sadness pretty often. Like I’ll be sitting at my desk and I’ll start crying. Or I’ll be biking and start crying. Or watching a movie and I’ll start crying. It just seems to be coming up lately. I don’t know if it’s like a ‘deal with me now’ type of thing and that’s why it’s happening. or if there’s a larger reason to it all. I know I have unresolved emotions surrounding my mental illness (and early to mid-twenties in general), but I don’t know how to work through them. I don’t think in the 6 years I’ve been seeing Jim he’s seen me exhibit that much emotion. It’s hard. He seems to think he can help me through it in some way. He put me down for appointments 3 weeks in a row. They don’t start for a few weeks, but I’ll be ok with that. I need to stop running. I can’t escape this pain by running. I can’t escape it through the use of food, drugs or alcohol. I need to own up to it, stare it down and send it on its way. I think it’s time I do that. If Jim can help me through this I’ll be extremely grateful. It’s been there for so long. Sometimes it manifests itself as a slow, low fever, while other times it’s all I can think of. It’s got me going sideways and I don’t want to go sideways anymore. I want to love and be loved. I want to live a full life and I want these things now. Or at least as quickly as they can be obtained. I feel ready for them. I feel like the time has come. I’ve paid my dues and it’s now time to lay all this shit down on the path I’m walking and leave it there, behind me.

I sat down and tried to write something today. I failed. I got a few sentences out, but I don’t know where I’m going with it. I have the beginning, but then I just stop. It ends and I can’t keep going. I want to finish the thought though. I think it’s important. I also need to have something written for class tomorrow. Laura and I are going to meet in the evening to write tomorrow. I’m going to try really hard to be better about actually getting something written. She did a good job of being productive last week. I didn’t. I will tomorrow though. It’ll be good.

I want to be happy. I reread the last post I wrote and it’s nowhere near how I feel right now. I feel like I’m doing pretty well at this point and generally content. I put in an application to move into my old building in Uptown. I’m really excited to be back in Uptown and to be a little more settled than I have been. It’ll be great to have my own place again too. That will definitely be awesome. I biked by the building a couple times yesterday and found myself really excited to be living there again. It’s going to be great!

I had a good weekend. I’m looking forward to a short week and then getting out of town for the weekend. It’ll be wonderful to be back up North again. I haven’t been there for a couple years. Yay!

Gratitude List:

The short week ahead

A really relaxing day today

Getting to watch an enjoyable movie with a super dreamy guy in it