I feel so much discontent right now. It’s nearly overwhelming. I have felt angry since I got home from work. I hate being in this space – feeling so unfulfilled at work, but also like I’m not anywhere close to doing something better. It just feels terrible. It makes me want to say fuck it all and give up. Or run away again. I just can’t imagine living life like this forever. What’s the goddamn point? Will I ever have anything more, or will I be stuck and never find anything meaningful here? What am I doing wrong? Fuck this.

I know this feeling will pass. I have been pushing myself too hard lately – so many changes being back at work and having a full schedule again. I need to relax and have more downtime rather than run from thing to thing. I’m not good at not running from thing to thing though. And it’s all just feeling totally hopeless right now. I’m not sure there is any point to my life or living in general. I mean really, I keep reaching for something more and not finding that. Like I’m putting myself out there, I’m trying to get myself somewhere else. I’m doing my part, but don’t seem to be connecting and make it anywhere. I’m tired of this. I want to give up.

This will pass. It always does. I’ll go to bed now (early!) and get up tomorrow and it will be a new day. A new day that I can do something fun and interesting with, or not. It’s up to me.

I just want something more. I want something meaningful. I want to be living a full life. I want to be loving, yet I have nothing. I have no one and no reasonable expectation things are going to change in the foreseeable future.

Gratitude List:

After tomorrow I’ll be halfway through the week

Getting the writing done during lunch that I wanted to do

Getting to bed much earlier than normal