I don’t know how to explain where I am emotionally. I’ve had a strange day. I’ve been feeling quite a bit, crying and hopefully releasing things from the past. It’s been emotional being back in MN especially in regard to how much I’ve been confronted with mental illness since getting here. I can’t help but think I’m not done with it all. Like I’m meant to have some cathartic release in some way. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like what I went through I went through for a reason. And that even though I’m on the other side of it, I’m still not totally done with it. I don’t know if I should study it some how or if I’m merely meant to share my story in some way. Even though I don’t know what the next steps will be, I can tell that things aren’t settled and that my past is going to play a part in my future. I suppose it always does.

My mind has been going more lately on this God thing and trying to deepen my understanding of it. I’m not even sure if I believe in God. I might be coming to the belief that it’s all in our heads and what our mind highlights and makes meaningful, that which is often times attributed to God, is nothing more than our own subconscious playing a role in shaping our present moment and reality. Perhaps it’s just easier for it to exert a force on our conscious mind when we’re praying and meditating. I just can’t escape the belief that it’s all already in there, I’ve just jumped to a slightly different track and the messages are getting through clearer than they were before. I also realize this is probably something I’ll never come to a definitive conclusion on, but rather that my thoughts and feelings will continue to develop as time goes on. At least I hope so. I can think of nothing more boring than figuring it out. What would I have then? Nothing. And all that is nothing is beautiful.

I’m looking forward to the weekend. It’s my last weekend of freedom before starting the new job on Monday. I found myself writing morning pages with a stronger sense of hope this morning. Like maybe this job will be a good thing and I’ll be able to approach it differently and prove my worth and abilities easier without working myself into a corner I can’t get out of. At least I sure hope so. I’m kind of looking forward to starting on Monday, but I certainly can’t admit that to anyone. I tried on some of the clothes that I have in Minneapolis last night and I’m grateful for the excessive amount of biking I’ve been doing around the city. I look pretty good in my work clothes and I love the new pair of shoes I bought a few weeks ago. They’re great!

Everything changes all the time. I like change. I welcome change, but I also hope to cultivate an awareness that doesn’t rely on change for novelty. I’ve begun to realize more that there’s novelty in routine and the everyday. Recognizing that novelty is what keeps it interesting. Big changes are great and can be monumental as far as growth goes, but not having big changes and simply being in tune with the everyday and that which is novel in the everyday is equally important. As I ready myself to be more situated for a while I hope opportunities to recognize that novelty in my everyday life and situations present themselves. If nothing else, I hope to never be bored.

Gratitude List:

A nice meeting with my sponsor today

Getting to try out the new pens for a little while

Taking time to listen to spiritually minded things