I wish that decisions were easier. I found out the NJ job may be falling into place much sooner than I anticipated. I thought I would have a while to settle into Mpls and my new apartment, but now I’m not so sure. I’m still planning to sign the lease on my apartment tomorrow. If I don’t they’ll just keep my security deposit anyway. I figure I’m better off signing the lease and then only staying a month before finding someone else to take it over since everything is still so tentative. I’m hoping to connect with my potential new boss tomorrow and ask him a few questions about everything.

I do feel like a chump leaving this job I started 4 weeks ago so soon, but this week has been so hard. Yesterday I was basically done and found it really hard to stay positive. My emotions went negative and I lost control of them which wasn’t great fun. I was given another task that is even more boring than the one I was previously given. Ugh. I have realized I can’t do this kind of work long term, but the two days so far this week have made me really question if I can even do it short term. Today was better than yesterday, but still not very good. I’m going to sleep on it and find out more information tomorrow. There is a part of me that’s really excited to be living closer to NYC again. I love that city. Kind of.

I enjoyed my class tonight. It was nice to see Chris and I feel like I learned quite a bit. I do really want to pursue this writing craft. I want to learn more about it and get much better at constructing stories. I think it’s something I could do quite well at with some focus and attention. It’s definitely something I want to take some more classes on, either here or in NJ.

Gratitude List:

Getting to spend a good amount of time meditating today

Clarity, even if it’s truths and realizations I don’t actually want to own up to

Hump day is tomorrow!

I have my last day of work for the week tomorrow. I’m really glad that I have a few days off and I’m so excited to go up north. It’s going to be a great weekend! I love being there and being around my family. It’s been a couple years since I last made it. Yay!

I went to my class tonight and shared what I wrote last night. I think it turned out pretty well. I also got some good feedback – not necessarily feedback on how to make it better, but some good feedback in the sense that people enjoyed listening to my little story. I’m glad that I wrote it and I’m glad that I shared tonight. I am excited to continue writing and write more stories. I’m also excited to revisit this one and see where I can make adjustments to clean it up and make the whole thing tighter than it is right now. I was pretty happy with it last night and liked it before class, but when I reread it afterwards I felt it could be a lot better. I’m always happy to have room for improvement so it’s a good thing.

Yay! Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week and I get to go up north. Woohoo!

Gratitude List:

Sharing something I wrote

A really great writing class

Getting to see Nick afterwards

I’ve had a very nice, relaxing weekend. I saw Jim yesterday. We started talking about dating and why I’m incapable of doing that. He was probing a lot more than usual. It was uncomfortable. We the started talking about the past and my mental illness. I became overcome with emotion and had a really hard time expressing myself. I was just feeling so much at that moment. I did manage to tell him that “there is so much pain. And I can’t even touch it.”

I feel like this is a pretty true statement. I find myself connecting with this very deep sadness pretty often. Like I’ll be sitting at my desk and I’ll start crying. Or I’ll be biking and start crying. Or watching a movie and I’ll start crying. It just seems to be coming up lately. I don’t know if it’s like a ‘deal with me now’ type of thing and that’s why it’s happening. or if there’s a larger reason to it all. I know I have unresolved emotions surrounding my mental illness (and early to mid-twenties in general), but I don’t know how to work through them. I don’t think in the 6 years I’ve been seeing Jim he’s seen me exhibit that much emotion. It’s hard. He seems to think he can help me through it in some way. He put me down for appointments 3 weeks in a row. They don’t start for a few weeks, but I’ll be ok with that. I need to stop running. I can’t escape this pain by running. I can’t escape it through the use of food, drugs or alcohol. I need to own up to it, stare it down and send it on its way. I think it’s time I do that. If Jim can help me through this I’ll be extremely grateful. It’s been there for so long. Sometimes it manifests itself as a slow, low fever, while other times it’s all I can think of. It’s got me going sideways and I don’t want to go sideways anymore. I want to love and be loved. I want to live a full life and I want these things now. Or at least as quickly as they can be obtained. I feel ready for them. I feel like the time has come. I’ve paid my dues and it’s now time to lay all this shit down on the path I’m walking and leave it there, behind me.

I sat down and tried to write something today. I failed. I got a few sentences out, but I don’t know where I’m going with it. I have the beginning, but then I just stop. It ends and I can’t keep going. I want to finish the thought though. I think it’s important. I also need to have something written for class tomorrow. Laura and I are going to meet in the evening to write tomorrow. I’m going to try really hard to be better about actually getting something written. She did a good job of being productive last week. I didn’t. I will tomorrow though. It’ll be good.

I want to be happy. I reread the last post I wrote and it’s nowhere near how I feel right now. I feel like I’m doing pretty well at this point and generally content. I put in an application to move into my old building in Uptown. I’m really excited to be back in Uptown and to be a little more settled than I have been. It’ll be great to have my own place again too. That will definitely be awesome. I biked by the building a couple times yesterday and found myself really excited to be living there again. It’s going to be great!

I had a good weekend. I’m looking forward to a short week and then getting out of town for the weekend. It’ll be wonderful to be back up North again. I haven’t been there for a couple years. Yay!

Gratitude List:

The short week ahead

A really relaxing day today

Getting to watch an enjoyable movie with a super dreamy guy in it

I feel so much discontent right now. It’s nearly overwhelming. I have felt angry since I got home from work. I hate being in this space – feeling so unfulfilled at work, but also like I’m not anywhere close to doing something better. It just feels terrible. It makes me want to say fuck it all and give up. Or run away again. I just can’t imagine living life like this forever. What’s the goddamn point? Will I ever have anything more, or will I be stuck and never find anything meaningful here? What am I doing wrong? Fuck this.

I know this feeling will pass. I have been pushing myself too hard lately – so many changes being back at work and having a full schedule again. I need to relax and have more downtime rather than run from thing to thing. I’m not good at not running from thing to thing though. And it’s all just feeling totally hopeless right now. I’m not sure there is any point to my life or living in general. I mean really, I keep reaching for something more and not finding that. Like I’m putting myself out there, I’m trying to get myself somewhere else. I’m doing my part, but don’t seem to be connecting and make it anywhere. I’m tired of this. I want to give up.

This will pass. It always does. I’ll go to bed now (early!) and get up tomorrow and it will be a new day. A new day that I can do something fun and interesting with, or not. It’s up to me.

I just want something more. I want something meaningful. I want to be living a full life. I want to be loving, yet I have nothing. I have no one and no reasonable expectation things are going to change in the foreseeable future.

Gratitude List:

After tomorrow I’ll be halfway through the week

Getting the writing done during lunch that I wanted to do

Getting to bed much earlier than normal

I met Laura at the coffee shop down the street tonight. We had our first writing meetup. It was fun and I’m really glad that we decided to do that. There was quite of a bit of talking (all my fault) which was to be expected, but we also had a lot of quiet time to just sit and write. I went over the reading assignments for class and then attempted to work on the writing ones. One of the assignments was to put down all the major moments of my life. I got that done, but it was just a list that only had about 10 things on it. The other assignment was to write a scene and the reading homework was all about showing, not telling and how to write scenes. I find this to be really hard because it’s not something I’m used to do doing. Even here every night I’m not writing scenes, I’m simply putting the thoughts that run through my head down onto paper. I know I would benefit greatly from working on writing scenes and it’s something I should give some real effort towards. Tomorrow at some point I’m going to have to write stuff for class. I plan to get something down on paper before I go. I only have to write 400-500 words so she really isn’t asking that much of us. I also know if I don’t complete the first assignment for class it’s not going to bode well for the rest of class. I can get it done during the day sometime and then show up to class with something written. It won’t be that hard and I should be able to find some time tomorrow. I could even work on it over lunch. Hell yes, that would work. Ok, so getting that written tomorrow and I feel better about it now. Wow, I’m really just vomiting onto the page right now. This feels good!

I made it through the day just fine. I didn’t really learn anything more than I’ve already learned, but it was nice to run through it again. I also felt much better today than I did last week. I’m not going to love this job or find it stimulating, but it’s going to be ok for a while. And with any luck it’ll just be a while. I don’t anticipate staying there for more than a year, but we’ll see. I like the guy who’s training me and I like the other woman who sits in his cubicle. In fact everyone seems to be nice. I’m going to stay serious about the job and really give it all I’ve got.

I have to start looking for apartments. I didn’t do anything in that regard all day. Well I guess I did passively look on craigslist for a minute at work, but I didn’t call and I definitely didn’t set up a time to go and view anything. Maybe I’ll make some more progress on that tomorrow. I also would really like to talk to M. I may decide to go back to NJ. I know that will become more clear as the time goes on. I could also wait to rent something until the September stuff becomes available at the beginning of the month. That would give me a little more time to think about it. I imagine the rental company I rented my apartment from will have a lot more stuff become available for September 1st. It would suck to have to find somewhere to stay for those two weeks after moving out of here before I could move into another place, but I should be able to navigate that if I need to. At least I hope I can.

I almost forgot to mention I went to the gym in the building after work. It was pretty good. They only have two elliptical machines I like which I was excited to use again, but when I got there they were both taken. I jumped on one of the rowing machines and did a 5k thinking “well this is nice, I’ll be out of here in twenty minutes versus the hour I would have gone on the elliptical.” I then finished the rowing, stretched and noticed one of the elliptical machines was free and jumped on for an hour. I’m so tired now because of it. I did feel like the energizer bunny while doing it this afternoon. I’m not sure if I’ll go tomorrow or not. I should probably skip it, but maybe I’ll pop in for a row after work. We’ll see.

Gratitude List:

A better day today – my body is adjusting to the new morning time

A nice evening of writing with Laura

Feeling so tired right now I should asleep immediately

I’m glad to be back in Minneapolis. One of my roommates dad and brother are staying here tonight, but I think he said he was leaving tomorrow. Apparently they’ll be back here next week which is fine. It’s just strange to have other people in the apartment. I’m used to having this whole space to myself. I talked to his brother earlier today when I got home and he seems like a nice guy.

I had a really nice weekend. It was great to see Auntie M and get to spend some time with her. I went for a ride in the kayak today and biked around the lake 3 times in a row yesterday. I really enjoyed doing both of those things.

I have to get up tomorrow and go to work. It’s so strange having to do that, but it’ll be ok. I’ve been thinking a lot more about going back to NJ lately. It would be hard to leave Minneapolis, but I might have an opportunity to start a professional job in another field while being able to take college classes. That in itself would be amazing. I’ve got a life here and a lot of friends which really would make it hard to leave, but I’m craving adventure and excitement right now which I’m not sure I’ll find in Minneapolis. I’d also like to be dating and Minneapolis is littered with attractive gays. I don’t have to make any decisions now and I don’t plan to.

I’m off to bed. My goal is to sit and meditate for 20 minutes before I go to sleep. I’ve got to go out into the apartment and turn the light off in the living room which is making it really light in my room because there is a frosted glass door. It’s nice during the day so this windowless room doesn’t feel like a dungeon, but it apparently sucks at night when the light is on in the living room. It’ll be fine though.

It’s storming outside now. It was very hot and humid today – it felt like a steam room. I suppose that’s more the Minnesota summer I’m used to. I hope it’s not raining tomorrow so that I can bike to work. The bus takes forever and I’d much rather ride my bike.

Gratitude List:

A weekend with Auntie M and the family

Getting to see cousin J last night

Being back at my home in Minneapolis

I am so tired. It has been a long week. I’ve struggled to get up in the morning and then I struggle to get to bed at night. I don’t anticipate that being too much of a problem tonight, but it’s past 11 pm and I really should have gotten myself in bed earlier than this.

I think I’ve done a really great job trying to stay positive at this job this week. Today was much better. I haven’t indulged that “I hate this” attitude that often and I’ve somehow managed to mostly avoid falling into the trap of just focusing on how much I don’t like work or being that guy who just hates it. I played that role for a long time at my last job and I don’t want to fall back into it in either my personal or professional life. For sure!

I meditated today, twice! Once this morning at work and then again at the meditation meeting tonight. It’s been really good! I’m off to my parents’ tomorrow which will be enjoyable. I kind of wish I could stick around Minneapolis and lay low, but it’ll be good for me to be surrounded by family again.

I’m grateful for this week. I’m grateful for all the things I’ve had to confront because of the new job. I’m grateful for this experience and what it’s teaching me because holy shit I’m learning a lot right now. And I feel like I’m being galvanized into action. I’m ready to pursue something. I’m ready for more than just lip-service and talking about how I want it. I’m ready for action and I’m finding the courage, motivation and energy needed for that action.

Hopefully there will be some good changes on the horizon. I’ve been having this recurring feeling – insight? that my self as I know it is going to be tremendously different soon. Like I’m in this transition, but that it’s not going to be protracted. In not too long I expect some major changes on an inner life. Who knows, maybe I’m headed to some deeper truth or understanding that’ll set me free. That sure would be nice!

I made it through my first day. There were a whole bunch of new hires that they sat down in a conference room and all day we got to fill out forms and listen about different benefits and learn about security and all sorts of other stuff. It was not fun. It also turned out to be pretty hard work staying awake through it all. I’m not used to getting up that early and didn’t get to bed very early last night so it was rough from that standpoint as well.

It was strange being back downtown. I wandered around the skyway for lunch and saw there are some new places, but for the most part it’s the same old place. I think I’ll like being downtown again. I didn’t get home until 5 pm and felt like I hadn’t gotten to do anything all day and the day was almost over already! It was really sad. My sense of time is going to take a while to readjust to being at work all day and only having a few hours of free time to utilize in the evening.

I really want a job that I’m excited about. Something where I wake up in the morning looking forward to what the day has in store for me. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way towards this line of work. I’ll probably be able to tolerate it for a while, but beyond that it doesn’t hold much appeal. I can’t imagine working a position for too long that’s merely something I can tolerate.

There’s got to be more to life (my life!) than that. I sure hope so anyway. Minneapolis will hopefully prove to be a good place to cultivate that something more. I’m starting a writing class tomorrow with a friend of mine. I hope that I like it and that it gets me to write something, anything. I’m all about taking writing classes, but when it comes to actually writing I tend to stall out. Who knows, maybe it’ll change my life. At least I hope it does. Something’s got to. I feel like I’ve been waiting for my life to change or be changed for ages now… And honestly it has changed. I’ve changed. But I’m still not there yet. I know that I’m holding myself back with all the fear I feel around recklessly pursuing that which I think is interesting. I hope to God to work through that fear and find myself living more courageously soon.

I went to a meeting yesterday I’d never been to before. It was held somewhere that must do an outpatient program of some kind. On the board was some brainstorming where patients must have been listing things they can do instead of drink or use – coping strategies for avoiding it. I couldn’t help but think about the time in my life I was coming up with those kinds of lists. The thing I remember about it is that I could intellectually wrap my head around all of this stuff and come up with things I can do that help to relieve stress or reduce cravings, but at the time it was all bullshit because I hadn’t decided I wanted to be sober and that I was going to be sober. It wasn’t until I decided I wanted to be sober that any of it meant anything. And once I made that decision everything became easier.  While sitting there at that meeting I couldn’t help but draw the connection between that and my higher power. Like I have devoted all of this time to strengthening my relationship with a higher power by meditating, occasionally praying, yoga, etc, but I still haven’t made that decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God (as I understand God). I just went through step 3 with my sponsor and feel like intellectually I understand this and can tell myself I’ve made this commitment, but in my heart it still hasn’t been done. It’s all still lip service. I’m not totally certain what to do about this. I want God in my life. I want to trust in God and believe that he’s got an amazing plan and not have to expend so much energy of my own trying to make things happen. I just don’t know how. I hope I can figure it out. I want that relationship, but I want it on a level I’ve never really had.

I know there’s something more out there for me. I just don’t know how to allow it to enter my life. God does. But how do I let God take control? Not that I believe I have any control, I don’t. I’m not a bus, I’m a tram.

I want to believe in God.

I guess that’s all for tonight. I feel better and like I’m coming to an understanding of sorts. It’s been a long time in the making. That’s for sure.

Gratitude List:

Wanting to turn my will and my life over to the care of God (as I understand him).

Belief that there really is something more out there for me.

Wanting something more rather than just accepting the doldrums of a boring, staid corporate existence.

I start my new job tomorrow. It’s going to be so strange to get up and go to work in the morning. I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting there on time, but it’s definitely going to be an adjustment getting up in the morning every day again. I set an alarm for 6:15, but don’t imagine I’ll get up right away without hitting the snooze button at least once. It’s been so long since I got up that early. I think I’m ready to have a pretty quick morning getting out of here – I’ll write MP, eat some hard boiled eggs I made tonight, take a shower and shave. The coffee pot is also all set up so I should have that going for me right away in the morning. It’s supposed to rain most of the day tomorrow which feels fitting. That also means I’ll need to take the bus to work. Even though I’m not super excited about this, it’s going to be a good thing. And in less than 8 hours I’ll technically be on the clock and making money again.

I don’t anticipate this job being too hard, but I also don’t anticipate liking it that much. It’ll be ok though. I couldn’t help but think after spending some time with my cousins this weekend how they’ve all entered their 30’s much more gracefully than I have. I’ve really dug my heels in and refused to be a part of a lot of things that adults just take for granted – like working jobs they don’t enjoy. I suppose that’s all coming to an end tomorrow. Although really, it probably won’t be that bad. And with any luck I won’t get that bored with this job. Or hopefully it’ll take a while to get to that point.

Gratitude List:

So close to having a job again

A great weekend seeing all my cousins and other relatives

Tired and ready to get some sleep before my first day back at work!

I don’t know how to explain where I am emotionally. I’ve had a strange day. I’ve been feeling quite a bit, crying and hopefully releasing things from the past. It’s been emotional being back in MN especially in regard to how much I’ve been confronted with mental illness since getting here. I can’t help but think I’m not done with it all. Like I’m meant to have some cathartic release in some way. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like what I went through I went through for a reason. And that even though I’m on the other side of it, I’m still not totally done with it. I don’t know if I should study it some how or if I’m merely meant to share my story in some way. Even though I don’t know what the next steps will be, I can tell that things aren’t settled and that my past is going to play a part in my future. I suppose it always does.

My mind has been going more lately on this God thing and trying to deepen my understanding of it. I’m not even sure if I believe in God. I might be coming to the belief that it’s all in our heads and what our mind highlights and makes meaningful, that which is often times attributed to God, is nothing more than our own subconscious playing a role in shaping our present moment and reality. Perhaps it’s just easier for it to exert a force on our conscious mind when we’re praying and meditating. I just can’t escape the belief that it’s all already in there, I’ve just jumped to a slightly different track and the messages are getting through clearer than they were before. I also realize this is probably something I’ll never come to a definitive conclusion on, but rather that my thoughts and feelings will continue to develop as time goes on. At least I hope so. I can think of nothing more boring than figuring it out. What would I have then? Nothing. And all that is nothing is beautiful.

I’m looking forward to the weekend. It’s my last weekend of freedom before starting the new job on Monday. I found myself writing morning pages with a stronger sense of hope this morning. Like maybe this job will be a good thing and I’ll be able to approach it differently and prove my worth and abilities easier without working myself into a corner I can’t get out of. At least I sure hope so. I’m kind of looking forward to starting on Monday, but I certainly can’t admit that to anyone. I tried on some of the clothes that I have in Minneapolis last night and I’m grateful for the excessive amount of biking I’ve been doing around the city. I look pretty good in my work clothes and I love the new pair of shoes I bought a few weeks ago. They’re great!

Everything changes all the time. I like change. I welcome change, but I also hope to cultivate an awareness that doesn’t rely on change for novelty. I’ve begun to realize more that there’s novelty in routine and the everyday. Recognizing that novelty is what keeps it interesting. Big changes are great and can be monumental as far as growth goes, but not having big changes and simply being in tune with the everyday and that which is novel in the everyday is equally important. As I ready myself to be more situated for a while I hope opportunities to recognize that novelty in my everyday life and situations present themselves. If nothing else, I hope to never be bored.

Gratitude List:

A nice meeting with my sponsor today

Getting to try out the new pens for a little while

Taking time to listen to spiritually minded things