I have had a busy day. I’ve found I’m back to that old game where I pack my schedule as full as humanly possible with stuff. Today I got up, biked to a yoga class at noon, biked about 20 miles around Minneapolis, came home and got ready to meet a friend, went out for coffee with her and then had a little bit of downtime before getting picked up for another yoga class this evening. I feel like I spent all day running around from one thing to the next. It’s nice because I’d so much rather be busy doing stuff, but there is a part of me that’s excited I’ll be going to my parents’ house for a few days this weekend and will be escaping this busy life I’ve constructed. It’s going to get even busier when I start this job in just a week. Oh God. The job!

I’ve enjoyed going to some yoga classes this past week. I like it. Yesterday I went to one and felt this real sense of calm and serenity when I left. It didn’t last too long, but it was a nice reprieve from what I usually feel. I think I should really plan to fit some yoga into my daily life now that I’m back. I’m not totally sure how that’s going to work, but I can make something happen. I should also be meditating, but that’s totally fallen away. I’d like to get back into it though. And I’m pretty sure I will.

I’m debating whether I should take a writing class that starts next week. I’d like to, but at the same time I feel like maybe I’d be better off not packing my schedule super tight so that I can ease back into working full time again. It’s going to be a major adjustment. On the one hand I’m really excited to have an income again. That’s going to be really nice, but it’s going to be so hard to show up to work everyday. I’m sure it won’t take long and I’ll be used to it again, but I also don’t really want to be used to it again. I need to figure out another way of supporting myself and something to occupy my time for the rest of my life. I still love art and thing that writing is something I would enjoy. I hope something along those lines falls into place. I’m willing to work towards them. I’m willing to try.

Gratitude List:

A beautiful morning and afternoon

Getting to see K after so many years

Enjoyable yoga classes

I’m going to meditate before bed. Even if I only sit for a few minutes I’m ok with that. It’s better than nothing.

Tomorrow I’m going to make another attempt to get up in the morning so that I don’t sleep as long. I seem to be oversleeping these days and it annoys me. I’d really like to get to the gym and use the 7 day pass I signed up for and attend a yoga class. With any luck I can make that happen. I drank much less caffeine today than I have been so it’ll be interesting to see if I sleep better. I think part of the reason I haven’t been sleeping well is the amount of caffeine I’ve been drinking during the day.

I’ve had a really busy week. It’s been great, but tiring, too. I’m not used to doing this much running around. It’s summer and it’s beautiful so biking around the city is always enjoyable. I just kind of wish I had more time to relax. I’ve started filling things to the brim with activities so that I won’t have to sit and be with myself, when in reality, I might be better off just sitting and being with myself.

Gratitude List:

Lifting weights with Chris today

My writing class, even though it wasn’t quite what I’d expected

A nice conversation on one of the apps with a super cute guy

Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf in regards to updating this more regularly. I think it would be good for me.

I had a kind of stupid day. I got picked up at 7 am which meant I had to get up really, really early. I couldn’t sleep last night so had gotten very little when I got up in the morning. Once I got here I took a nap, but didn’t really sleep for that long. I then spent hours just killing time, mostly on the apps with stupid guys and other things. I even invited a guy over, but once he got here he didn’t look much like his pictures. I mentioned this to him and he said we didn’t need to go through with anything… And then he scurried off. It was super awkward. I deleted one of the apps tonight which was a great idea. It’s not so much that my behavior is risky and terrible and I’m hooking up all the time when I’m using them, but rather that my mental health and sense of balance seem to steeply decline. I felt nearly crazed at times today while hoping to find someone to fool around with. I’m glad that I snapped out of it this evening for whatever reason. Things have actually been pretty relaxed and ok for the last few hours. Hopefully tomorrow will feel more like a return to something more normal.

I finally put all my pictures up on the wall. And I took out all of my stones and put them back on the desk. I was embarrassed last week when someone was coming over and took them all of the desk and threw them in the dresser. I like them much more on the desk. And the pictures look great on the wall. It’s neat to see them there. It makes this room feel more like my own – if only for a while. Plus I love being able to see the fruits of my creative output and it inspires me to create more soon. I wrote on a note card ‘stART’ on the wall. I hope it inspires me to get moving on creating. I can be drawing or writing. What I don’t want to be doing is wasting away my time in an unproductive manner.

I started reading a book last night that I really like, but somehow didn’t find any time to read it today. Hmm. Maybe I’ll find some time to take a look at it tomorrow. I think it could change my life. At least I’ve heard several really spiritual people mention that it spoke very loudly to them. Not that it means it will to me as well, but from what I read last night when I couldn’t sleep I got the impression I am going to really like it.

Ok, it’s time to go to bed. I’m tired. I’m excited to get a good night’s sleep tonight since last night was so terrible and then today I felt off because of how little I slept. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s going to be a really great one. I can feel it already!

Where hope exists, where there was no hope before, is a miracle.

Gratitude List:

Getting my pretties out again and on my desk!

Putting my pictures up on the wall where I can admire them

Finally deleting that terrible, terrible app. I can’t believe it lasted a week or however long I’ve been using it.

I’m sitting on my parents’ couch. There are no lights on in the room, but a kitchen light will guide my way out as soon as I finish this. Nelli is snoring on the couch next to me. My dad left for a fishing trip this morning so I didn’t get to see him, but we celebrated Father’s day yesterday.

I got here in the morning and went for a bike ride. After going around the like once in 39 minutes I decided I should try again and see if I could do it faster. The second time around took me 40 minutes. It was fun. The bike my dad bought a few weeks ago really isn’t very fast. I sit too upright on it and my body acts like a parachute slowing me down as I ride. I like timing myself and seeing if my speed is improving, but I’ll need my bike to really find that out.

I’m getting picked up to go back early in the morning. It’ll be strange to get up so early, but I can always go back to bed when I get home. Or I could drink some coffee and head to the coffee shop to work on some writing. I really need to work on some writing. I just read through some emails that I sent to a friend while I was in India. It was really interesting to read through them and they were actually quite well written. I wish I could learn how to do that when I sit down to write something for a class. I just don’t know how to harness that mood and everything. I’ll have to give that some thought.

It’s been really nice being at my parents’ house. I always enjoy coming here. There’s not much to do, but it’s peaceful (for the most part….J) and relaxing. I really enjoy seeing them and am very grateful to have such a good relationship with them. I really do have some great parents.

I biked around the lake twice again today. When I finished the second time around I thought about going again for a 3rd time, but then went and sat down on the deck and never made it up again to ride. My mom and I then went and ate burritos in town. There was a guy sitting at a table not too far away from us that was totally my type: tall and athletic. His arms were pretty muscular, but overall he was not super beefy. I think I like that body type because it’s the one I always wish I had – the one I’ll never be able to obtain without some kind of surgical intervention. Now that I’ve been putting myself out there on apps again and trying to bike a lot and get in better shape my mind has been roaming to the ‘let’s fix myself with some surgery’ mode. I know it’s something I’ll do eventually, but it feels so far off right now because of all the debt I have and the terrible state of my finances. I hope it’s not too long before I can do it. I feel like there’s this club of attractive men that I’ve never been able to be a part of and I’ll never be able to join because my body simply won’t do what I want it to. Somehow this has got to come to a resolution. I hope it’s not too far off. I want to feel good about my body and how I look.

Gratitude List:

Getting to bike around the lake

A nice day spent with my mom

A change in perspective

I’m feeling a lot of different things right now. The major one is this massive desire to experience this world to the grandest degree possible. I have such a desire to live a full, satisfying life. A part of that includes the need to travel and see the world. I’m starting to feel restless. Or maybe just that my wings have come back. I know it’s good for me to be here right now, but I so want to be traveling and exploring again.

I’m feeling a bit overstimulated. Especially when it comes to guys. I hung out with a nice one last night. He stayed over here. It was … good. I don’t necessarily want to see him again, but he was a nice guy and I enjoyed chatting with him for a long time last night. He came over with the intention of messing around, but then when he got here neither of us made a move and we just talked for a couple hours. It wasn’t until I turned off the lights to go to bed that things heated up. I enjoyed myself. Part of it was definitely this narcissistic falling in love with my personality again. I felt so much more like I used to when I lived in Minneapolis. Funny and on top of my game. It was great. I love that part of me and always enjoy it when it’s on full display. I hope it remains that way. I’ve also got this great desire to love. The idea that I want to love has been running through my head since getting back to Minnesota. That I want to love and that it’s time to love. The other idea that’s started to run through my head these last few days is that there’s a pretty big difference between wanting to love and being able to love. I definitely want to love. Whether I’m capable of doing it remains to be seen. I like to think I can, but I haven’t proven proficient in that regard in the past. We’ll see what happens.

There’s a guy that messaged me on one of the apps last night. I’m feeling overstimulated because of the attention I’ve been receiving from guys on the apps (and a little in person). I haven’t been in a situation where I’ve noticed any attention from guys for a while. I’m sure it was there, to some degree, in NYC, but my head wasn’t in a place where I could recognize it. Now that I’m back and feeling better I’m noticing it. This one guy in particular has really gotten under my skin. He’s so cute and ever since he messaged me last night I can feel this primal connection with him even though we’ve just been chatting. He’s sent me some very racy pics which has helped those feelings, but I also feel like it’s deeper than just the desire to have sex with him. I also want to be tender with him and see how that goes. The unfortunate thing is he’s like twenty or twenty-one years old. But there’s just something about him and I feel this unmistakable, palpable connection with him. Who knows, maybe we’ll meet and it’ll all go to shit. But maybe we’ll meet and it won’t. It’s too soon to tell. He’s held off on getting together because he doesn’t want to just hook up. I would have met him tonight, but he said he was too horny for that. It would be nice to meet him for coffee and get to know him and see if there’s a connection in person. I know if we just jump in bed it’ll be on to the next person for both of us. That seems to be the nature of those interactions anyway.

I went to a humorous essay class tonight. It was interesting. I wrote yesterday. I sat at the coffee shop down the street and actual words came out and I was able to put them on the page. At the time I really liked what I was writing and thought it did a great job capturing the essence of my feelings, but when I read it today it seemed to fall flat. I am going to look at it some more tomorrow and hopefully adjust it. Or just scrap it. It wouldn’t need to be totally scrapped because in writing it I learned how to put the jokes down on the page. I know I could do a better job of highlighting them, but if I write it again I’ll get all the jokes down in a different way. I’ve got so much I want to write about and express. It’s difficult, but focusing on doing it is definitely something that would keep me interested for a while. I like a challenge. I also like my writing teacher from tonight. The class is only this week and next. I’d really like to impress her with some writing and if I send her some she’ll give me feedback on it. I’m going to work further on this piece and maybe some others and then send her some writing. I’d love to get her feedback. Especially if I’m able to produce something of decent quality. That part is a little more iffy, but it’ll come. I’ve got a lot to say and with any luck at least a little bit of talent.

My mom and I drove by some condos that are for sale. It would be so convenient for me if they bought one, but I just don’t think I can commit to living in it long term. But, to have a place to come back to in Minneapolis would be beyond amazing. We’ll see. My gut tells me my parents’ are going to buy one within the next few months with or without my commitment to living there. I do love Minneapolis though and could see myself staying here a while. It’ll all work out. It always does.

I biked along the river road today for a long time. It was a beautiful day! And now I’ve got to get to bed. I’m so tired and done vomiting on the page. I think I got everything out that needed to come out. This felt good!

Gratitude List:

Opportunities that are on the horizon – somehow, someway my life is happening

Being in an emotional and physical daze because of an extremely good looking guy

Half full or half empty – shit’s changing and I’m happy about it

I can’t believe I haven’t written an update since I moved into this apartment nearly two weeks ago. Ugh, I’ve got to do a better job of popping in here and banging out a quick update. I went to a coffee shop today with the intention of doing some writing. It’s funny when I come on here I don’t put much thought into any of it. I just quickly get something down and then I’m done. When I was sitting in the coffee shop this afternoon it was like pulling teeth to get anything down on the page. I finally did start trying to write something, but had to leave shortly after that. It was a little disheartening, but I’m not going to give up. I signed up for a two week workshop on humorous essays that I need to get something written for. I don’t understand how it could be so hard – I’m funny and can cull a lot of things from my old twitter and ‘funny’ notes section. I’m going to give it some work tonight before I go to bed. That way if I write some more tomorrow I will hopefully at least have something to bring in to the class on Thursday. It’s so great to be doing things again!

I went to the Zen center tonight. It was great. I met with a teacher this afternoon and then attended the intro thing. I couldn’t get this song out of my head while he was going over stuff. It’s interesting. The song’s lyrics are very poignant for me right now. I’m going to try to get there tomorrow for the actual meditation. I’d really like to start getting there much more frequently. I think it would be a great place for me to learn and get my daily meditation practice back under control. I love meditating.

I’ve been having just the greatest time being back in Minneapolis. Like a really, really great time. I’ve been biking excessively. It’s wonderful! I feel so lucky to be back this summer and to be having this experience. I did recently get 3 flat tires on my bike, but hopefully that has been resolved. The people at the bike store were really nice and only charged me for the first flat and then a couple bucks for something they did today. I appreciate all their help. I seem to bike to uptown all the time. It’s even kind of nice I’m 7 miles away from it so that every time I go there I have 7 miles tacked on to the trip that otherwise wouldn’t have been. I figure I biked around 25 miles today. I’d say most days I hit 20-40 miles. My legs have really been feeling it since I’m not used to biking like that, but they’re getting more used to it. Yay! I’ve also lost some weight because of all the biking and can see that my face is taking on a leaner appearance than it had. These are all good things.

I love being here, but I still miss being abroad. And I miss NYC and my East Coast friends. I know this is the best place for me to be right now as far as exploring a lot of things I want to explore – like writing, meditation, art, and men. I’m grateful for this opportunity right now. I have no idea if my feelings towards being here will remain like this, or if in a few months I’ll be feeling stir crazy and like I want to get gone. I’m ok with that. For now this is wonderful. When I think back over the last couple of years this is definitely the happiest I’ve been. That’s a good realization to come to.

I got tickets for a taping of On Being! I’m so excited! It’s next Wednesday and it’s going to be beyond amazing. At least I hope it is. Woohoo! Seeing a show taped has been on my bucket list. I’ve been listening to KT’s conversations for so long now.

Ok, I need to do some writing now. I’ve just got to get something down on the page. If I just get a very rough draft done tonight I can work on revising it tomorrow and Thursday before class. I’m trying to decide if I’m going home this weekend. I don’t really want to. I mean it would be wonderful to see the family, but spending all weekend at their house just seems like a lot. If I could drive there it would be a different story. I guess we’ll see. It is going to be Father’s Day. I will probably go, but I’m enjoying being back in Minneapolis so much. Hmm.

Gratitude List:

Minneapolis and all the great things this city has to offer

Fanatically biking around the city and all the great trails

Signing up for things and delving back into being busy

I biked today. A lot.

I’m in Mpls! I moved into a room in an apartment in Dinkytown yesterday. It feels strange to be living in a building filled with college kids, but I’m so happy to be back in Mpls. And I’ll only be here until mid-August. I can enjoy this place until then.

I did not look for jobs today, although I should have. Even though I didn’t look for jobs, I still feel that today was well spent. It was my first full day back in Mpls! I biked to the lakes, went around all 3 in Uptown, met with JS and then biked all the way to downtown StP. It was beautiful out! I love biking so much and particularly enjoy doing it in this city.

Tomorrow I hope to apply to a couple jobs. I might see a friend in the afternoon, but otherwise my plan is to just hang out and not do too much. I’ll maybe get up and get myself to a meeting, but that’s undecided at this point. There is one at noon I could go to. I almost went today, but time wise it wouldn’t have been the easiest to make it to.

This bed is really comfortable to sleep on. I was worried it would be too soft, but last night I slept very well. I’m hoping for another night of good sleep. And a productive day tomorrow. It’s time to make something happen.

I had a bit of a “whoa, I’m pretty again” moment today. Like I’m just starting to feel so much better about how I look than I have in the past several months (or longer). I mean not that I looked terrible a year ago, but I’m a little tan and have lost a lot of the weight I gained traveling. It’s a good thing. I’m feeling more and more ready to be dating. I’m excited for it, too. Despite the terribleness of the gay community.

Gratitude List:

An uptick in my confidence level

A wonderful day biking around Mpls

Getting to hang out with an old friend