I have gone through a whole range of emotions this evening. 30 minutes ago I was feeling this intense yet dull sadness. If I had to guess I’d say it’s what people describe as a heavy heart. Right now I feel better. I’m evening feeling hopeful.

I finally had a conversation with M and told her I’m leaving. I’ve been thinking about this since last week and coming to terms with it on my own. I’ve talked to many people in MN and told them I’m coming home, but I haven’t had the conversation with my roommates out here yet. She took it well. I’m really sad to be leaving, but in my heart know this is the best decision for me right now. And, if things work out I might even be coming back here in a couple months.

The sense of loss I feel right now stems from several sources. One is knowing that I won’t be seeing my friends out here regularly anymore and that my time bumming around the city is quickly coming to a close. The other is because my leaving represents another loss – the loss of the hopes and dreams I had when I decided to move out here. It didn’t work out. That’s ok, but emotionally it takes a toll on me as yet another place has proven not right.

I’m excited to be in Minneapolis. I’m looking forward to being around my family and friends again. I’m hopeful that I like the class I’ve signed up for and that I can get some writing done. The last few years have been so reactionary. I’ve been running blind without much of a plan. I have a tentative plan for going back to Minneapolis and what I want to accomplish there. I have hopes and dreams and am finally making more strides towards realizing them. Of course I’m a long ways until they work out, but I’m setting a foundation for the rest of my life (or at least the next few years). I’ve been without a foundation these last few years. I’ve learned a hell of lot about myself and have been able to examine my motivations and let go of issues that were driving me sideways in life, but I haven’t been able to work towards something more in my life (per se). Now I’m going to.

I have hopes. I have dreams. I have ambition and motivation and courage to follow them and see where they lead me. It’s an exciting new era. One I’m ecstatic to explore!

Gratitude List:

Changes. Changes and more Changes.

M, M, A the dogs and everything else I love about this place

Glowing. Or at least the desire to do so.