Oh bloody hell. Motherfucking hell! I can’t say I always love feeling emotions. In fact, at times I wish I still had none. I remember those years I spent numbing them with drugs, alcohol and food. I very much understand why I chose to do that. I can now realize why it’s good to feel things, but I’m not super excited to be doing it. This is hard and uncomfortable.

I’ve finally decided to leave. It’s been a decision I knew was coming, but I’ve been putting off allowing myself to really recognize its significance. Transitions are hard and I definitely don’t readily make them without a push.

I’m ready to be doing something. Anything. I can’t just sit around here anymore. A job isn’t going to materialize. The life I want, and envisioned, when I came back here isn’t going to magically come knocking down my door. I’m going to miss M and M (not to mention A and the dogs) terribly, but it’s time I move on. I need to strive for the life I want to live and cultivating that life. Clinging to this sinking ship isn’t going to get me there.

I spoke to my mom earlier and felt like this is definitely the right decision. I still feel that way, but the impact of the decision has hit me much harder. I’m going back to MN. I’m leaving here and probably within the next couple of weeks. It’s like I had all the time in the world to spend here, but now I’ve barely got any left. It’s strange, but this is definitely the best decision right now. I’m sad to be leaving, but hopeful to find some lasting purpose and enjoyment. I need to build a financially sustainable life that I enjoy living. It’s going to happen and going back to MN is going to allow me to explore that. I’ve got a lot of passion, motivation and the desire to do something with my life. I’m a seeker and curious at heart. Now if only the planets would align and put me in a new direction.

Gratitude List:

A great OA meeting

Clarity, direction and the motivation to make some difficult changes

A loving heart