I’m feeling. I’m sitting on a bench on Lake Calhoun. The sky is overcast and gray. I can feel the breeze flow by my ears and see the ripples on the lake in front of me they create. I’m in between appointments to look at rooms and realized I had enough time to walk around the lake. 

It’s so strange being in Minneapolis. I’m excited and not sure I’ll decide to stay, but what a gift these next couple months in my beloved Minneapolis will be. I feel really grateful to have them ahead of me.

I also can feel something growing inside me. A groundswell that’s picking up momentum. A force I cannot, and do not want, to stop. 

I want to love. I want to live a big, grand, fun life. 

I have these very strong, very conflicting desires inside me. One is to be firmly planted in a community, to be around my parents and friends and to have a routine and consistency in my life. The other is to travel, to explore the world and to be as far from routine as possible. I have no idea how I’m going to balance these two desires. It’s possible I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to. I hope to find my freedom, my happiness, my courage, my voice and my love. I want it all.

I can’t help but reflect on the person I am today versus the one I was when I lived here before. I can recognize such a difference inside me. Like I’ve found my core and set firmly planted roots to my soul. A foundation that can’t be broken. It’s such a great understanding I’ve come. And even though I don’t know how it’s going to work out, I know it’s going to work out. Great things are on the horizon!
Gratitude List:

Being back in my beloved Minneapolis

An unstoppable desire to love

Looking forward to what the future holds

I am leaving tomorrow. It’s sad, but I’m also glad that I didn’t decide to stay another week. If I had it would have just prolonged the saying goodbye and the leaving part.

Today M, M, A and I sat around all night and hung out. We ordered pizza and bought a ton of sweets at the grocery store. We played games and talked. It was a great way to spend my last night here. I know it’s possible I’ll be on my way back here soon, but it’s also very possible I’ll decide to stay in Minnesota and not to come back. M, M and A are treasured friends and I’m grateful I got to spend these last few months with them. No matter where I end up, this will remain a good memory for me.

My flight isn’t until the evening tomorrow. It is, of course, late here now. I’ll sleep in and finish packing when I get home. I actually did a lot of it this afternoon which went pretty well. I can fit a lot of stuff in my suitcase and bag, but I know that I’m still going to have to make some choices about what to leave here and what’s not going.

I’m excited to be back in MN. It is sad to leave places and good friends, but I’ve got my family and a whole slew of other friends waiting for me not to mention my beloved Minneapolis. And even though I don’t know how long I’ll stay there – a few months, perhaps years or longer, it will be great to be back for whatever length of time I choose to stay. Summer is always the best time to be in Minneapolis. Yay!

I’ve had these two questions running through my head the past few days:

What is this world, if not for exploring?

What is this life, if not for living?

And with that I’m off to bed.

Gratitude List:

Some big changes tomorrow

Getting to see my family tomorrow evening

A nice night with my NJ family

I have gone through a whole range of emotions this evening. 30 minutes ago I was feeling this intense yet dull sadness. If I had to guess I’d say it’s what people describe as a heavy heart. Right now I feel better. I’m evening feeling hopeful.

I finally had a conversation with M and told her I’m leaving. I’ve been thinking about this since last week and coming to terms with it on my own. I’ve talked to many people in MN and told them I’m coming home, but I haven’t had the conversation with my roommates out here yet. She took it well. I’m really sad to be leaving, but in my heart know this is the best decision for me right now. And, if things work out I might even be coming back here in a couple months.

The sense of loss I feel right now stems from several sources. One is knowing that I won’t be seeing my friends out here regularly anymore and that my time bumming around the city is quickly coming to a close. The other is because my leaving represents another loss – the loss of the hopes and dreams I had when I decided to move out here. It didn’t work out. That’s ok, but emotionally it takes a toll on me as yet another place has proven not right.

I’m excited to be in Minneapolis. I’m looking forward to being around my family and friends again. I’m hopeful that I like the class I’ve signed up for and that I can get some writing done. The last few years have been so reactionary. I’ve been running blind without much of a plan. I have a tentative plan for going back to Minneapolis and what I want to accomplish there. I have hopes and dreams and am finally making more strides towards realizing them. Of course I’m a long ways until they work out, but I’m setting a foundation for the rest of my life (or at least the next few years). I’ve been without a foundation these last few years. I’ve learned a hell of lot about myself and have been able to examine my motivations and let go of issues that were driving me sideways in life, but I haven’t been able to work towards something more in my life (per se). Now I’m going to.

I have hopes. I have dreams. I have ambition and motivation and courage to follow them and see where they lead me. It’s an exciting new era. One I’m ecstatic to explore!

Gratitude List:

Changes. Changes and more Changes.

M, M, A the dogs and everything else I love about this place

Glowing. Or at least the desire to do so.

Oh bloody hell. Motherfucking hell! I can’t say I always love feeling emotions. In fact, at times I wish I still had none. I remember those years I spent numbing them with drugs, alcohol and food. I very much understand why I chose to do that. I can now realize why it’s good to feel things, but I’m not super excited to be doing it. This is hard and uncomfortable.

I’ve finally decided to leave. It’s been a decision I knew was coming, but I’ve been putting off allowing myself to really recognize its significance. Transitions are hard and I definitely don’t readily make them without a push.

I’m ready to be doing something. Anything. I can’t just sit around here anymore. A job isn’t going to materialize. The life I want, and envisioned, when I came back here isn’t going to magically come knocking down my door. I’m going to miss M and M (not to mention A and the dogs) terribly, but it’s time I move on. I need to strive for the life I want to live and cultivating that life. Clinging to this sinking ship isn’t going to get me there.

I spoke to my mom earlier and felt like this is definitely the right decision. I still feel that way, but the impact of the decision has hit me much harder. I’m going back to MN. I’m leaving here and probably within the next couple of weeks. It’s like I had all the time in the world to spend here, but now I’ve barely got any left. It’s strange, but this is definitely the best decision right now. I’m sad to be leaving, but hopeful to find some lasting purpose and enjoyment. I need to build a financially sustainable life that I enjoy living. It’s going to happen and going back to MN is going to allow me to explore that. I’ve got a lot of passion, motivation and the desire to do something with my life. I’m a seeker and curious at heart. Now if only the planets would align and put me in a new direction.

Gratitude List:

A great OA meeting

Clarity, direction and the motivation to make some difficult changes

A loving heart

If I had to choose a mood right now, I’m not sure I could pin down how I feel to accurately pick one. I’m not feeling angry, although I did spend a good portion of the day that way. I’m not feeling sad or depressed, hopeless or forlorn, despite those being moods I have felt today and in the last week. Indifferent? Maybe that’s what I’m feeling. Indifference and a kind of tempered optimism. Like, on the one hand things feel incredibly fucked and that they’re never going to get worked out, but on the other hand I have this strange sensation that they’re going to. And that when they do I’ll be even more grateful that I somehow made it to the other side of all this. It’s also possible I have long period of suffering ahead of me before I feel that way. I hope that’s not the case.

My allergies are killing me right now. I feel like I’ve spent the last several hours rubbing cats against my face even though I haven’t touched one all day. One of the cats, the less despised one to be more specific, found it’s way downstairs earlier and about an hour, hour and a half ago, I started to feel my nose clogging up and my eyes beginning to itch. Now I can’t stop sneezing and my nose is incredibly clogged. I suppose I can say goodbye to the idea of meditating tonight. I did take some allergy medicine when I could tell I was really bothered, but it’s either not kicked in yet or it’s not going to. I hope that it does kick in soon and I can pretend that I live in a world where cats don’t do terrible, terrible things to me.

I finally got confirmation today that I wasn’t hired for the job I was hoping to get. It sucks, but I’m glad to finally know for sure. And even though I didn’t get hired for it, I can still do something neat in the near future. I’ve been thinking more about other things (like going back to China and/or traveling) and plan to really look into those more. I know there’s something out there for me and I can feel myself homing in on it.

When I was in high school I wrote an essay for my college application on wanting to find out who I am. Since I grew up a twin there was always a sameness to my brother and I. Like we were different people, but often times grouped together and viewed the same. Even though we spent a lot of time apart in college doing our own things, I can’t say I left feeling like I had a good grasp on who I was. My college years were also rife with experimentation and struggle which didn’t help. These last couple of years I’ve been able to figure out who I am on a deep level. I understand myself and my motivations so much more than I ever have. And it’s not just that I understand those things about myself, I understand what I need and want and have a clear idea of what I want to pursue going forward in a way two years ago I could only dream of. I still don’t know how it’s all going to work out, but I definitely know what I want to work out and I’m willing to take some risks and pursue things.

Now that this job is definitely not happening I hope I can muster the courage to follow those dreams and passions. The job would have allowed me to explore a lot of different things, but maybe that exploration was on the slow end and I’m meant to catapult myself forward. Maybe the job was just me wanting to lull myself back into a sense of financial security so that I didn’t have to try to take risks and live courageously and put myself out there artistically, but rather me wanting to live a small life again. I don’t know. What I do know is that tomorrow is a new day. It’s a new day that I can choose to use productively – researching things I find interesting, developing and working on a skill like writing or drawing, or exploring options for the future, or it’s a day I can waste not wanting to be engaged in myself and my life. I’ve felt disengaged for the last few days or weeks while I’ve been reexamining and hoping this job works out, but now that it’s officially not going to happen I need to once again work towards making forward momentum on something. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a day I am going to utilize to the best of my ability.

I should also mention I’ve had part of a song running through my head a lot this past week. The lyrics go “someday, we’ll make a dream last.” It’s been going through my head so much lately it’s frustrating. If only I knew how to actually do that. I’d love to make my dreams come true.

Gratitude List:

No longer feeling like I’m in limbo

Some simple truths that were there all along, but not recognized until today

Perseverance and the hope that everything is working out