I want to stay positive and project this calm, confident facade to the world that everything is working out and I’m not particularly worried about the details. Unfortunately that’s not me at all. I don’t know that everything is working out. Nor do I know that everything will work out. It always seems to, in the end, but this ‘working itself out period’ could last for months longer before a resolution appears. I don’t have months more of this. I want to be doing something now.

I don’t seem to be taking much action towards anything which is problem in itself. It’s been days since I looked for jobs or applied for any. I still have a hard time being very productive on that front because in my heart I know another 9 to 5 isn’t a sustainable path for me. I want to be doing something more with my time. I’d like to be working towards a goal – like exploring options for going back to school or taking writing classes, but I get caught up in the not having any money to spend on these things and feeling like my primary concern right now needs to be figuring out a job. I spent a lot of time today reading about people making money blogging and doing those sorts of things.  A few websites (the ones trying to sell me on expensive programs) make it seem so easy and straightforward. I love the idea of making money online and just needing a laptop and having the ability to work from anywhere in the world. I’d love to take advantage of a situation like that and spend a massive amount of time traveling, but I’d also like to be situated somewhere and able to put down more roots and develop close friendships and date.

I just feel so stuck. And like I’m never going to not be stuck. This situation is definitely not working and I think it’s time I go somewhere else. I’m not looking for jobs and it doesn’t appear that one is going to materialize. Leaving at this stage is not a great idea because I have no clear plan of action on how to support myself and I need to at least be working towards something before I take off again. Right now I’m just spinning my wheels which is frustrating beyond all belief.

Does my life have a happy ending?

Gratitude List:

Getting to talk to Aunt M today

Checking in with my mother

Pistachios