I feel like I have so much clarity in regards to myself and what I need my life to look like going forward. What I don’t have is a plan (or even a clue) as to how to bring those things about in my life. I keep looking at jobs and thinking I’m going to magically find one I don’t hate and fall into a more normalized existence. The problem is, none of the jobs look any good or interesting and things simply don’t seem to be working out. I have a major desire to travel and see the world – there are so, so many places I’ve never been. I still like the idea of living abroad and bouncing around quite a bit, but I’m reluctant to pull the trigger on that because of the financial ramifications that decision would have. I have hope that things will fall into place and that all is working out for the best. I just don’t know if that hope is misguided or naive. Maybe things won’t work out. Maybe I’m not meant to have a meaningful life or live adventurously. There seems to be something clogging up the works and I don’t know what that something is.

I went to CF today and we had to run a mile outside at the beginning of the workout. I think I’m having some kind of not cool allergic reaction to something in the air because I’ve been sneezing and sniffling since the workout. I hope that I feel better tomorrow. I have taken some medicine, but it doesn’t seem to have helped that much.

I really want a fantastic, interesting life. I feel this creative drive inside me – this force that needs to creatively express itself. I know that following that force and its expression through the rest of my life is most likely going to help live a life I’m happy with and proud of. Why am I so afraid to pursue that with reckless abandon? Am I really that scared that I don’t have the talent or that I’ll fall flat on my face? Isn’t it about time I get over myself and my fear of failure. It sucks doing nothing in that regard.

I want to travel, but I also want to date and to love and to create beautiful works of art. I need those things to manifest themselves in my life. I need to find a way to make all of that happen.

Gratitude List:

A changing of the tides. Slow but steady is better than obstinately refusing to change.

Running a mile in less than 7 minutes (although not by much)

A sugar free day!